Resentment Ruins Relationships

The other day I was talking to someone who went through a divorce.  He asked me, "Have you seen people in your practice who just don't have the energy to make the relationship work anymore?"

I replied, "I see couples who have moved past resentment into resignation, and that is sad.  It is a terrible place to be."

When you resent your partner, you push yourself further away from them.  You blame them and their behaviors for what you are feeling and where you are. 

Unfortunately, resentment over time becomes contempt and resignation.  Rather than exploding, the relationship is corroding away until there is no core left to stand on.  That is where that lack of energy comes from- no core to pull from. 

Here's the rub, your resentment is your own fault. 

What do I mean?  Well, the things you resent are things you allowed to go on, things you put up with, things you indirectly let happen.  All those negative behaviors you point to in your spouse are behaviors you needed to stand up to and say, "I'm not taking this." 

Underneath it all you resent yourself too.

So you are responsible for that corrosion you resent your spouse for.  You ultimately let it move to resignation.

Your courageous work?  Stand up and stop resenting.  Instead of being angry and pointing the finger at your spouse, speak up and request something different.  Be hopeful instead of resigned.  Share what it is you want and need.  Educate your spouse and yourself on the healthy ways to treat each other.  Stop rusting away and start shining like new chrome.

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