Creating Rewarding Relationships

The First Step in Acceptance

2012-01-19T08:42:00.007-05:00

One major hurdle people often struggle with in couples' counseling is accepting the other person as they are. A wife wants her husband to be more communicative, a husband wants his wife to be less of a nag. Both sides usually have demonstrable complaints, and neither even consider acceptance.

Why accept your spouse?

When you are able to step back and truly accept your partner- the good and the bad- then you can start to let go of the unimportant and ask clearly for the things you want. By accepting you no longer demand change for change sake, you make requests based on you- your need, comfort, wants, wishes, hopes. You no longer control, you let go and let live.

What is the first step in acceptance of your partner?

It may sound cliche, but accepting others starts by accepting yourself through healthy self esteem. Healthy self esteem recognizes we all have successes and failings. In addition everyone has intrinsic worth which is not increased nor decreased by actions, words, or thoughts- it just exists. The founding fathers were right, all men (humans) are created equal.

When you wrap your head around intrinsic worth of self and realize everyone has it, then acceptance becomes easier. No one is better or less than another. You can be upset or pleased by your partner's behavior, but it doesn't change the fact that they are a human being with worth.

As a couples' counselor, I can attest to the importance of acceptance in relationships. No one person will ever give you all that you want in a relationship. Every person has successes and failures. If you can't accept that truth in yourself and your partner, you'll never be able to have an authentic relationship.

Your courageous work is to practice healthy self esteem so you can accept your partner as a true equal. Like a smiling child, you can accept yourself and others just as they are.

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Life is filled with AFGOs

2012-01-12T09:56:00.000-05:00

Years ago a client shared with me he was experiencing an "afgo". Of course I bit and asked what an afgo was. He grinned "another f***ing growth experience!" was his reply.

Swearing aside (you can use the word "frustrating" if you'd rather,) it's a great concept because we all have AFGOs in our lives. In fact, life and relationships are filled with them and it is helpful to remind ourselves they are a time to grow.

Why? Because if you view it as a chance to grow and learn, you'll approach the experience in a much better frame of mind than if you view it as a catastrophe or unbearable imposition. You can gain from the AFGO rather than lose through it.

For example, if you have a friend who has broken your trust you can write them off and never talk to them again. You can claim that is your "right" and you can't trust them anymore. However, if you view it as a chance to improve and grow your relationship, you'll approach your friend and try to heal the breach. You work at understanding what went on and how to talk to someone about trust. You may still end up not being friends anymore, but you will have learned how you can cope with similar events in the future. On a more hopeful note, you may be able to remain friends with a deeper understanding of each other because you gave that person a chance to grow with you. That's the power of AFGO.

Your courageous work is to begin to view upsets and disconnects from your partner as AFGOs. Understand they are a challenge to understand, dig down, and communicate. Like raindrops grow flowers, AFGOs are gifts which grow you closer.

Click the comment button below and tell us about your AFGOs!

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Accused of Cheating and You're Not?

2012-01-06T12:02:00.000-05:00

There are at least 4 causes for accusations of faithlessness when it is blatantly obvious cheating isn't happen.

Sometimes a spouse or partner accuses because they are cheating themselves. By accusing you they blind you to the truth of their behaviors. Or they may be considering cheating, so they are trying to convince themselves that it is okay because you are doing it.
There may be a history which creates the fear of cheating. Either you or your partner have cheated before on each other or past partners, or your partner has been cheated on.
They are too controlling and possessive. Because no one can control everything in another person's life or own another, possessive people often accuse their partner of infidelity.
They are hypersensitive (sometimes because of reason number 2.) They may jump to the wrong conclusions about things like a project keeping you late at work or you being distracted by issues in your family. They feel your disconnection, and assume it is cheating.
They are looking for a reason to leave or disconnect themselves. Sometimes a person doesn't want to be the one to say "it's over" and so they come up with a reason to leave.

So, to the point, what can you do if you didn't cheat, but they keep insisting you were unfaithful?

Take a close look at your relationship. Is your partner controlling and possessive? That isn't a healthy relationship. Is it possible he/she is cheating? Is it possible they are really unhappy and don't know any other way to say it? Could you two be distanced by something that your partner is interpreting as unfaithfulness? Address these issues.
Look at your own behaviors. Are you distancing or emotionally unavailable? Do you communicate what is going on for you so your partner is aware? Are you a flirt? Do you give reason for your partner to be afraid? Do you do things that enable your partner to think you could be cheating? Talk with your partner about what things he/she is seeing which bother them and admit if you are doing them.
Understand there is nothing you can do to change your partner's mind if they don't want it to change. If they can't believe you when it is clear you aren't cheating, this is a huge red flag! The relationship needs major work, or you need to get out.
Lastly, avoid the "f***-its". This is the thought "Well, I keep being accused of it, so f*** it I'm going to cheat." Don't act out in frustration. If you feel this way, then it is time to leave or get your partner into real relationship work with you.

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Family Feuds and the Holidays

2011-11-17T11:47:00.000-05:00

As the host of a Holiday gathering, few things are as difficult as family conflict. Forget scheduling, cooking, cleaning, or buying gifts, family feuds are the toughest things to deal with. How can you manage them without the Holidays becoming a war?

You manage expectations.

Let's look at the following senario to see how managed expectations help things run smoothly. Our hosts are Margaret and Phil who are having a Holiday gathering of their three children, their spouses and the seven grandchildren. The monkey wrench? Two of their adult children, Petra and Jules, haven't been talking to each other for more than a year.

What do Margaret and Phil do?

First they manage their own expectations. Phil reminds his wife that Holidays won't be perfect because humans are imperfect. They both agree the day will be the best it can and they will do the best they can. Margaret sighs but remembers that even though it is a Holiday the rift between her children won't be miraculously healed. She says to Phil, "That only happens in movies." All they want from their kids is tolerance not transformation that day.

Phil and Margaret also discuss the possibility their children may not be able to get together civilly. They realize they can ask but not demand. Additionally they talk about what is important to them and agree to negotiate for those things. They really want to see all the children and grandchildren, so they decide ahead of time they may be willing to split the day so Petra and Jules come at different times.

Next Margaret and Phil need to manage their children's expectations. They speak individually with Jules and Petra about the type of behavior they would like at the gathering. In the past arguments, silent treatments, or scenes were the norm, but Phil and Margaret make it clear they are not acceptable this time. They outline the idea of tolerance for the day and express they aren't asking for transformation. They remind their adult children this is a single day and Phil says "You call can do something you struggle with for a few hours." They ask their children if they can be respectful responsible adults for this one gathering.

It is alright if Jules or Petra honestly say they aren't sure they can keep respectful and polite. Now is not the time for Phil or Margaret to take sides. It is better to know ahead of time and make alternate plans than ruin the day for everyone. If both adult children agree to come and be pleasantly polite, it is something to be appreciated.

Lastly, Margaret and Phil can do a few more things to help the day go well.

They keep the gathering short so as not to over-stress Jules and Petra. By making the day a short success, it is more likely to happen again.
They give Petra and Jules ways to get away from each other during the celebration- have Jules help with the dishes, let Petra take a walk with her husband, or other such things. This also decreases the tension on them.
Phil and Margaret don't take sides, no matter how they feel. This is between Jules and Petra.
They talk about how family ties are always there through thick and thin, but they aren't always easy.
They focus on the grandkids getting to see each other and the meaning of the Holiday.

Your courageous work is to learn from Margaret and Phil and manage expectations. Family isn't always easy, but hopefully by managing expectations you will have a wonderful Holiday season where family feuds happen another day.

Want more things you can do to improve the Holidays?

Send me an email (or use the form on the scheduling page here) to be invited

to a teleseminar, tomorrow November 18th, from noon to 1.

It's my gift to you, and it's called

"Survive the Holiday with Real Joy: seven super tips."

You can call in or be on your computer listening and participating in a chat.

Hope to hear from you!

Your Relationship is Like Your Drive to Work

2011-11-10T15:56:00.000-05:00

I play a game when I drive to the office; I seek out something new, pretty, or cool to appreciate. Today it was a flash on the silver side of a fish as it jumped, and it was the way the sun shown through a tree filled with orange and red leaves.

Why do I play this game? Because I'm priming myself to be in a positive mood. By looking for and acknowledging the "pretties" I make my drive pleasant and improve my mood. This is not to say I'm oblivious and hit every pothole in the road or ignore other drivers. I see things that are mundane or not-so-good; I just choose to not dwell on them. I focus on the beauty and have a really nice drive.

You can do the same in your relationship- play the positive game. Focus on what's nice, what is going well, and what is beautiful in your relationship. Be amazed and happy with those things, but be aware of and address what may not be working (just as I drive around the potholes.)

How does this help your relationship? Well, if I were to focus on all the "bad" things on my drive- the red lights I get, the potholes, the unskilled drivers... etc.- I would have a terrible drive. The same happens in your relationship; if you spend all of your time looking at what isn't going well or what hurts or what you don't want, you will dislike your relationship. Spend more time acknowledging the good and then working on the things you want to improve. You'll get to your work with more energy and gumption.

Additionally, what you prime yourself for is what you see. As I decide to do my "game" on my drive I am priming myself to find things to enjoy on the road. When you encourage yourself to notice positives you will be more able to see them. In other words, if you focus on the negative, that is all you will see. If you focus on the positive, happier you will be.

Your courageous work is to play the positive game in your relationship. Look for the good so you can have energy to deal with the changes you want to make (which I am explaining in my newsletter this week.) And enjoy the fun of noticing the nice things around you.

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What you can learn from the saints- it's all good.

2011-11-01T06:02:00.010-04:00

No, this is not a religious post, specifically. No, I'm not going to tell you to be saintly. However, when I was looking at the history and meaning of today, All Saints Day, I got to thinking about relationships.

The phrase that jumped out at me was "remembrance of all saints, known and unknown." This day is meant to celebrate every saint even if we don't know they existed- even if they were never canonized by the Church.

You don't have to understand what that means to learn something from it. The take away is you can celebrate even things you don't know about. In your relationship it means celebrating the good you do for each other even when the other doesn't know or recognize it.

I've lost track of the number of times one spouse shares something in my office and the other says, "I never realized you were doing that." Often it is a poignant moment because the giver has been trying to make things better in a way their spouse didn't see.

Too often you get caught up in the things that need to be "fixed" or "different"; how about recognizing what is going well every moment of the day. How can you change to be more positive?

How about talking to each other about the things you feel you are doing for the relationship and each other? That's a great way to make the unknown obvious. Don't be shy or critical, just share how you are working on the relationship. Talk about what you've been doing and listen to what your partner shares in return. Celebrate the known and unknown work that has been happening.

Like All Saints Day, have an All Good Work Day for your relationship- that's your courageous work.

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Occupy your Relationship: avoid the mistakes of OWS

2011-10-20T12:44:00.000-04:00

News outlets and social media have been abuzz with the "occupy" movements around the country. I'd like to start a new and meaningful one OYR- Occupy Your Relationship.

Looking at the "other" movements there is one big thing you can take away to improve your relationship, and a few things you want to avoid.

The monumental power of any protest is to be there, and my movement is no different. OYR is about showing up and being there, consistently. It isn't about complaining to your friends, family, the guy on the bus; it is about getting close and having your message heard.

Unlike the other occupy demonstrators, though, OYRers need to have their message clear and clean. I want the OYR to show up at their own homes with what they need and what they are willing to do to help those things happen. Avoid pointing fingers and take responsibility for your relationship. Avoid vague uncertain messages of "I don't like it as it is now" and make requests you are willing to help with.

However, you can't express your clear requests unless you are there. You can't talk about what you and your spouse are going to do unless you show up.

So, your courageous work is to start by showing up, then speaking up and then owning up to what you'll do. Take back your relationship by Occupying it and living in it!

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The importance of girls.

2011-10-04T10:23:00.003-04:00

Take a few moments to watch the above video. It is a message of hope, a sign of strength and the heart of courage. Many of us can't imagine what it must have taken to stand up to her family and culture the way this girl did.

It is amazing, but even more it is important.

Most of you probably don't realize that cultures with less women than men are more likely to be violent and go to war. You probably know on an intellectual level that women and girls are marginalized in many (too many) places around the world. What you don't understand are the real stories behind that pat word "marginalized." They are:

The 14 year old girl who has a very simple complication in childbirth (one that American doctors fix as as a matter of course) and she dies trying to walk to a clinic days away from her village.
The girl who watches her brother go to school and earn a good living while she is all but sold to a husband at 13 or 14 years old.
The young woman who isn't allowed to own property or handle money who watches her husband gamble and drink away the money to feed their children. She must choose which child to feed with what little she has.

There are good stories, too.

The girl who is allowed to finish school and is able to support her family with an income.
The young woman who is given a micro-loan, starts a business, and invests most of her profits into the business and her family.
The young woman with a small job reinvesting in her children's future by sending all of them to school, boys and girls.

How do you turn the bad into the good? Show up. Spend a little time to discover what is working and send some donations. I'll bet you spend more time planning your vacation than you think about where you are donating money (and it doesn't take much money; very little, in fact.) Go to girleffect.com and read the media kit to get some links to organizations that are really helping. Read Half the Sky: turning oppression into opportunity to get other ideas.

Don't turn away- do something. Talk about it. Think about it. Get involved. I did; I blogged today. If you have a blog, post about it this week and get the word out. Change the world, or at least change it for one girl at a time.

In an affair? Can't blame your spouse!

2011-10-03T09:47:00.001-04:00

It is an occupational hazard of my job that I come into contact with unhealthy marriages daily. One big issue that keeps coming to my professional door is affairs. Either individuals/couples who are struggling after the big reveal, or individuals/couples who are struggling because it hasn't been revealed.

A common theme that crops up is "responsibility" for the affair. I have had people blame themselves for their partner straying and I have had cheaters blame their unhappy marriage or spouse for the affair.

Let me be clear, no spouse is to blame for the other person cheating.

I'll say it again, your spouse did not force you to go out and find a lover; you made that choice on your own. No matter how bad your marriage was, or how unloving your spouse was, you took the actions of being inappropriate and having an affair.

That may be hard to hear, but it is true.

I'll give you an example. When I worked in an addictions program clients would sometimes say, "I drink because of my wife." I'd look them straight in the eye and respond, "Oh, she sits on your chest and forces the alcohol right down your throat, does she?" You see, they were choosing to drink or drug because of what was going on at home or work or with the kids or with the spouse- the same way a cheater acts out.

No marriage is perfect, and some are downright ugly, but that doesn't give the okay for cheating. What it does give is the choice to do something healthy yourself or do something unhealthy. Your spouse isn't forcing you to do anything, you always have a choice.

As the hurt partner it is important for you to realize that your spouse made a choice. You are not responsible for how they reacted to what is going on. They could have made a very different choice.

Keep in mind there are many people who are unhappy in their marriages or lives, but they do something different. Some choose unhealthy outlets like raging, cheating, drinking, shutting down, gambling, shopping, over-working, etc. Other choose to be healthy and talk about things, find ways to work on it, ask for what they want and need, see a counselor, etc.

Your courageous work if you are the hurt partner is to realize that although things may not have been great in the marriage, your partner's unhealthy way of responding is not your responsibility. Don't take on ugliness and unhappiness that isn't yours. If you are the one who is or has cheated, it is time to stop justifying it by pointing anywhere other than at yourself. Realize and accept responsibility for your choices.

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Really? Do you really think it's okay?

2011-09-10T16:26:00.026-04:00

The other day I received a call from a former client. The couple had come to be after infidelity and did a ton of work to heal the pain and rift. Now I get a call from the hurt partner saying the cheater was in contact with the lover again via email.

Unfortunately I wasn't surprised; I see it all too often.

As I wrote in this post, in order to heal your relationship after infidelity you have to cut all ties to your lover. You have to stay away and have no contact, ever. You can't do the following with your ex-lover:

text
email
call
talk in person
send a letter
friend on Facebook (or friend their family and friends)
link to them on LinkedIn
LBJF- or "lets just be friends"
help him/her move, paint their house, shop for furniture
talk to them about their new relationship, work, family, or kids
offer to pick up their mother at the airport
pick them up and take them home after they have been drinking
have any contact at all.

You may laugh at the examples above, but they are just a few reported in my office! Somehow, because the interactions are somehow "less personal" than the affair had been, the cheater justifies them. Because it wasn't sexual, in the cheater's mind it is okay. I hear, "I was only talking to her", "It was just a few emails," "But I liked his sister and wanted to keep in touch."

No, no, no. There is no "only" or "just"; your actions are hurtful to your partner and your relationship. The bottom line is no contact, at all, period. And "impersonal" email/text isn't (listen to an interview I did on this topic.)

Remember, if your partner would be unhappy to hear about it or see it, then you shouldn't be doing it. If you feel the need to hide your actions, you should be seeing a red flag. You are choosing to hurt your relationship- no ifs, ands or buts. Reconciling with your partner means letting go of and moving away from your lover.

And if your ex-lover contacts you, tell your partner immediately, and firmly let your ex-lover know you don't want contact. Why? Because if your partner finds out on their own that you had contact, it will cause more and bigger problems around trust and connection.

Your courageous work is to not minimize or compartmentalize your actions. Stay away from your ex-lover if your intent is to reconcile with your partner. Focus all your connection toward your partner and be honest with them. Only then can you and your relationship be healed.

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What is the real meaning of responsibility?

2011-09-07T08:41:00.000-04:00

I recently read The Healing Code by Alexander Loyd, PhD, and in order to get a part of the information promised by the book I had to register on the website. I found it a little irritating to have to register to get information that was supposed to be part of the book, but that's not what this post is about.

Image from Larry Hehn

What I did get with my registration is the first newsletter written for people who are reading the book. In the newsletter Dr. Loyd discusses the word "responsibility." He says people misunderstand what is involved in responsibility.

Curiosity piqued, I went to dictionary.com to test his argument. The first definition of "responsibility" is "the state or fact of being responsible." Well, my teachers never accepted a definition that had the word in it, so I dug further by looking up "responsible." It is defined as "answerable or accountable, as for something within one's power, control, or management." Now we are getting somewhere!

I agree with Dr. Loyd; people do misunderstand the definition of responsibility - especially in their relationships.

Do you take responsibility to mean being accountable for things that happen, even things that are out of your control?
Do you make yourself responsible for others? For your partner? Even though they are not "within one's power, control, or management"?

The Latin root of responsibility is "response" or "to answer or reply, as in words or some action." When you take "responsibility" you only are accountable for your reaction to things, not for the things that are happening. Responsibility is about your response - your words and your actions, not your partner's.

You may get tripped up because you think how your partner acts or speaks is your responsibility. You get embarrassed and mad because you are taking on this accountability that isn't yours. You then react poorly due to these feelings, screaming, acting controlling, or shutting down. You are actually only responsible for your poor reactions, nothing else.

What helps you only take responsibility where it is warranted? Proper boundaries, good self esteem, and healthy communication skills.

Your courageous work is to take on responsibility only for things (including people) that are yours. Be responsible only for your actions and words. Respond in a healthy manner, don't control.

Click the comment button below and tell us what you think!

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The Model for Healthy Parenting

2011-08-16T11:29:00.000-04:00

Face it parenting is an extremely stressful task – mentally, physically and emotionally.

Those who take care of children are generally on 24/7, sometimes with little help. Parenting, as many find out, is a physically and emotionally draining task that takes a major toll. That toll is personal and it affects your relationship.

Parents go through periods of stress and anxiety, no matter the age or the needs of the children. If you are a parent, honestly answer the following questions to determine if you might be under some level of stress.

Do you feel you don't have any time left over for yourself?
Do you regularly wish you could leave the care of your kids to someone else?
Do you think your relationship has been negatively affected because of parenting?
Do you feel your health has been compromised because of parenting?

Stress like that endured by parents can lead to many problems such as:

Depression and Anxiety
Relationship difficulties
Physical injury
Increased risk of drug or alcohol abuse
Decreased immune system functions leading to illnesses

The stress of parenting takes a toll on body, mind and spirit. In order to be good caretakers and partners, it is vital parents not neglect their own physical, mental or emotional health.

You can take charge of your own health every day by using a few strategies for relief. The good news is you model great self care to your kids, and you'll have a healthier relationship with your spouse. Here is a model to nurture your own body, spirit and soul (they spell “THE MODEL”):

Time for you: Find time for yourself daily even if only 5 minutes stretches. Go outside. Pray. Meditate. Watch T.V. Read. Take 5-minutes for yourself as often as possible throughout the day. Ask your partner to watch and keep the kids while you take time for yourself.
Help is required: Don't be afraid to ask for help. Most people are more than willing to help, but are afraid to imply you can't do it yourself. Find and utilize a good babysitter often. You can't and shouldn't do it all on your own - not and do it well.
Enjoy something daily: Read, write, pray, paint, draw, make Zentangles – do something that brings you joy and relief – and do it every day without fail.
Move daily: Do at least 15 minutes of walking, yoga, dancing, stretching… anything that helps your body, mind, and spirit decompress.
Outside is calling: Every day go outdoors, even for a few minutes – open windows, sit on your porch, walk in the yard, check the gardens, smell the flowers – fresh air can be invigorating!
Don’t forget yourself: Take care of yourself, your body, and health. Eat well-balanced and nutritious meals, take your vitamins, and drink lots of water every day. Get at least 5-8 hours of sleep every night. Schedule naps when your child naps.
Elevate your mood: Find something to smile or laugh about every day. Humor and smiling are healing.
Listen to your self: Don't ignore that aching back or a growing depression. Don't push your body to the limit. If something is wrong, get it taken care of before it becomes something worse.

Remember, raising children offers a sense of accomplishment and pride, but it also takes its toll in many ways. As the parent, when you practice stress relief measures and try to stay as active as possible you'll feel better about yourself, you children, your spouse, and your life. Your whole family deserves that good feeling.

Your courageous work is to use "the model" to gather energy and inspiration. Choose this model to be healthy and show your children what healthy looks like. Use this model so you can be a better parent and spouse.

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Are You an Offensive Victim?

2011-07-25T16:58:00.000-04:00

Yes, you read that correctly, an offensive victim.

What do I mean? What am I really asking you? Do you say to yourself things like:

"Because she yelled at me I can yell back."
"Because he didn't give me what I wanted I can do what I want even if it hurts the relationship."
"They deserve this because of what they did to me."
"Because my spouse didn't love me like I wanted I can seek love elsewhere."
"He/she did it first!"
"Because my partner hurt me I can hurt my partner back."
"Because that person insulted me I can insult them in return."
"I'll show them."
"Because someone did ________ to me I have the right to _____________."

In other words, you make up you are somehow victimized and because of that you imagine it is okay to act in an offensive manner. Are you offending from a victim position?

Didn't someone ever tell you two wrongs don't make a right?

Acting offensively is never relational, even if you imagine you've been a victim. Acting disrespectfully is never right. Being self justified by saying "they did it first," or "they deserve it because of what they did" is wrong and won't heal any relationship. In fact, it only hurts you.

Retaliation is not relationship; it is a twisted attempt at communication. It says, "I'm hurt and so I'm going to hurt you so you know what it feels like." Needless to say the other person never hears your hurt, only their own.

I have seen this written large and small in my office. The biggest form often sounds like this: "My spouse didn't do what I wanted or didn't give me what I thought I needed so I found it elsewhere." Read that to mean an affair. Yes, having an affair is acting out. Yes, it is often offending from the position of victim.

Smaller forms of being offensive in this way include insults, paybacks in little ways like bleaching his favorite shirt, passive aggressive "oops", spending too much money, staying long hours at work, and fights.

What do you need to do about it?

First, stop acting as a victim. You always have a choice, a victim has no choice. A victim is someone who is controlled by forces beyond their command. Unless you are in a natural disaster, you aren't a victim. Even your past and biology doesn't control you. So stand up and make a choice rather than lash out from the place of victimhood.

Secondly, once you are no longer a victim take responsibility to act in a relational manner. If you want something ask for it in a way you can be heard, repeatedly if need be. If you aren't getting it, try a different way of asking and trying to get it from your spouse/partner. Use healthy skills like those in this blog. Don't go elsewhere, don't act out, don't retreat back into the victim. Be responsible.

Your courageous work is to stop being an offensive victim. Stop putting yourself in a victim role. Stop acting out. Start being responsible. Do the right and healthy things instead of trying to make two wrongs equal a right.

Click the comment button below and tell us what you think!

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Bare feet and Protecting your relationship

2011-07-12T17:22:00.000-04:00

As a safety conscious motorcyclist I cringe when I see people riding in less than safe clothing. During the summer it is not unusual to see people on motorcycles in shorts, bikini tops, tank tops, and flip flops. The other day I even saw a girl up on the back seat of a sport bike in bare feet. Yes, I understand leathers are not physically cool and you can't get a tan through them, but skin grafts aren't cool, and it is my understanding scars don't tan well.

There is an old adage about motorcycle riders: there are two kinds, those who have been in an accident, and those who haven't been in one, yet. I belong to the former and I thank my helmet and leathers whenever I think about it.

What does this have to do with relationships? Well, I think there are two types of relationships: those who have been tempted to cheat and those who have yet to be tested.

As I have written before, every person in a relationship has the chance for infidelity. There are temptations everywhere- work, friends, parties, even family. Sometimes it is your own behavior that opens the door, sometimes it is another person's. What matters is the precautions you have taken (or not) to safeguard your relationship.

Like wearing a good helmet, jacket, and pants on a motorcycle, the things you do to keep your relationship safe matter most when they are tested. You want to bet when I hit the pavement at over 55 miles per hour my clothing was tested. To see the helmet, check this post.

You are protecting your relationship when you...

are realistic about your relationship (good and the bad)
talk to your spouse about your feelings - all of them
make goals and plan together with your partner
share your thoughts on multiple subjects
use healthy relationship skills
act lovingly toward your spouse
keep things that belong in the marriage in the marriage
stop negating and start appreciating
want what you have
think about your relationship

By doing these things you create a relationship that will stand up much better to the temptations of the world.

Mind you, the shorts and bare feet may feel more comfortable; in other words, not doing these things for your relationship may seem easier. However, you will show the marks (or your relationship will) when you dump into temptation. That is why you prepare and protect. That is why I don't have skin graft sites all over my body, and the guy in the picture above is going to be hurting much less than he could be.

Your courageous work is to build the type of relationship that will stand against temptation. A relationship that you enjoy and guard. A relationship that will bring you happiness in a way that makes you keep coming back. You see, I still love to ride (and still can ride) because I didn't go through unneeded pain.

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My husband rocks!

2011-06-27T14:39:00.001-04:00

Yes, you read it right; he rocks and I want everyone to know.

You see, the reason I've not been on to blog is my computer was infected with a virus just before we left for vacation. I am basically technologically inept, so I didn't know what to do and feared I'd have to reinstall Windows and everything else; pain in the behind. My husband donated time, energy, and a few swear words to digging out and eradicating the virus. Now I have my laptop back and I want to make sure I say, "My husband rocks!"

Why is this important? Well, it is a relationship lesson: make sure you recognize the good things your partner does.

Recognize it clearly, honestly, and preferably more than once. I told my husband repeatedly and with feeling how happy I was he had fixed my laptop because I was (and still am.) I made it a bit silly a few times so he could smile, and I made sure he heard it and took it in. I helped him understand I was grateful for his time, effort and even the swear words. I wanted him to understand how important it was to me and how I appreciated it.

Additionally, I'm telling you (as I told his parents when we visited yesterday and my Mom when I called her.) It is important to talk positively about your partner to others, especially where your partner can hear it. Why? Then they know you truly do recognize the good things they do and are.

Both giving the compliments to your partner and showing how you appreciate them to others creates a positive current in your relationship. It's much better than complaining inside and outside the relationship about the relationship. Who feels intimate with someone who complains about them?

Besides, actions that are recognized and remarked upon are more likely to happen again. Would you rather be complaining and have the things you don't like repeated or complimenting and have the things you do like repeated?

Your courageous work is to recognize and acknowledge your partner's good actions and interactions. Loudly and proudly. It's important for true intimacy, hope and healing.

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P.S. I think there is a special place in Hades for people who create computer viruses. Right next to those who push over gravestones and contribute to terrorist activities.

End of the world?

2011-06-13T15:26:00.001-04:00

One of my favorite quotes is by Richard Bach; it's good to remember.

"What a caterpillar calls the end of the world, the master calls a butterfly."

It's all how you look at things.

Sometimes you struggle with the things going on in your relationship and feel like everything is coming to an end. You are afraid what the end will be and panic. You fight and fight against what "may" be coming.

What can you do?

Breathe and accept what is.

Live the best you can and you may find the end you fear is really a beginning.

What could the end be? Stopping fighting. Discontinuing nagging. Ceasing trying to change your partner. Terminating tit for tat expectations. Halting harping. Ending your shut downs.

When you stop these things, even if they are familiar, you will find your life and relationship truly flowers.

Who knows, you may find yourself flying.

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Halt your feelings before you react.

2011-06-04T10:15:00.002-04:00

Couples often fail to recognize an important fact; how you feel affects your reactions.

If you are feeling tired, irritated, hurt, or depressed, your reactions are unlikely to be positive. You come home exhausted from work, and your spouse asks a tough emotional question- you snap, get grumpy, and start a fight. Or you shut down, shut them out, and "run away." Either response isn't helpful or likely to connect with your spouse. Halt yourself.

Both responses could be due to the way you were feeling when you walked into the house- not the actual question your spouse asked.

For example, I used to teach clients in my addictions groups to be aware of HALT. The letters stand for Hungry, Angry, Lonely, Tired. Those emotions are triggers for relapse. They are triggers for poor relationship responses, too.

So here is your courageous work- be aware of your feelings before you react. Whether are are feeling totally disconnected in your relationship or you are just out of balance from something else, take a moment to register where you are at before you respond to your partner. If your current mood precludes healthy reactions, then let your partner know that and take a step back. Ask to talk when you are feeling less of the HALT.

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Your relationship is like paying the bills.

2011-05-31T09:49:00.000-04:00

The other day I was paying bills, something we all do at one time or another. As part of my monthly bill routine I also balanced my checkbook. Unsurprisingly what my mother always told me was right; balance it monthly it is simple and balances immediately. She should know; she manages a bank.

It made me think of relationships. No, not keeping a debit or "tit for tat" list, but the importance of "balancing" your connection regularly.

With my checkbook I didn't always listen to my mom and paid the price. There were times I waited months and even as much as a year to balance my checkbook. It was a nightmare. Of course there were little mistakes and problems that were compounded over that time, and I had to deal with them.

I see couples fall into this pattern in their relationship. They let little things slide, don't check in with each other regularly, and time passes quickly. Then one person brings up something that is bothering them and it blows up into a painful disconnect. Even though the current issue is resolvable, the history of undiscussed topics weighs them both down and makes them defensive.

You can avoid this painful pattern by balancing your relationship regularly. Talk about how you are feeling in the relationship, the things you really like (the credits) and the things you'd like to change (think of these as debts.) Make your requests and negotiate what the relationship will look like with your partner. Agree on what each of you will do or work on; check in each month on how it is working. You'll develop real intimacy.

Like my mom, I suggest balancing at least monthly; however, like in your checkbook, if something unusual comes up, don't wait to address it. If you stuff until the monthly talk, you are likely to have more problems (read that as fights.) Remember, the more you communicate the less "talks" you'll have.

Your courageous work is to start with a basic balance discussion with your spouse. Where are you now and where would you like to be? What are the credits to your relationship and what are the debits you need to work on? Get a sense of where you and your spouse are now then agree to have regular check-ins to keep your relationship balanced.

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Buttons and triggers from your past.

2011-05-26T09:09:00.010-04:00

The other day a friend of mine asked, "After all the work I've done on myself, why can my Dad still push my buttons?"

Without missing a beat I said, "Because he installed them!"

There was a heavy pause on the phone and my friend said with a serious sigh, "Thank you, my session is now complete." We laughed, but both of us acknowledged the core truth of my response; her dad had installed those buttons, and they are deeply wired.

You have family buttons which affect your relationship with your partner, kids, other people, and your family.

That is not to blame family for everything; I mean to recognize how influential they have been in your life. You have both positive and negative "buttons" given to you by your families. Sometimes you can rewire them or reroute them, but other times they sneak up on you. You may have protected some of your triggers from your spouse or friends, but somehow your family can reach right past your shield and zap you. You may run into your partner's buttons, and you know they weren't installed by you - even though you end up pushing them. It can be frustrating (like my friend's exclamation.)

Don't despair; it took your young life to install those buttons. It will take time to uninstall them and create good patterns. However, every healthy bit of work you do now as an adult makes them smaller and smaller.

Remember, your past influences you, but it doesn't have to determine you.

Your courageous work:

... begins by recognizing your triggers and buttons.
In your current relationship it is important to acknowledge your spouse isn't the parent who placed a button.
Identify what situations trigger you and create plans for how you'll handle them.
Practice those plans by visualizing them and using the actions in smaller situations.
Learn healthy relationship and self skills.

Ultimately, as you work on relationship skills and individual health you'll find you are reacting less and less. You'll have healthy reactions even to your family. Your buttons will be smaller and harder to hit. You'll be more in control of the switches you have. Keep up the work; it is worth it.

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How do you eat an Elephant?

2011-05-09T10:37:00.001-04:00

Have you ever given a long emotional and deep explanation of what you are upset about to your partner? And then had them seem to ignore or miss a large chunk of it?

Have you ever felt your ears shut down while listening to an extended "discussion" (translate "monologue") about the problems your partner sees in the relationship? No matter how hard you are trying to listen?

In either of these circumstances, did you feel like you and your partner truly connected?

I bet not.

That's because one person didn't keep it short and sweet. Short means to the point in less than five sentences (and not run on sentences!) Sweet means in a clean non-attacking way that can be digested (not sicky sweet, just respectful.)

Unfortunately, when couples get disconnected, one partner may think it is helpful to "talk it all out" at once. Let me tell you, it isn't healthy nor helpful. No one can process everything in a big gulp like that.

To illustrate I have a simple question for you - how do you eat an elephant?

You can eat an elephant, but how? The answer is: one bite at a time. In other words, you don't try to swallow it whole!

That's how you need to approach your discussions with your partner; take one bite and deal with that bite in a short session. Make sure it is clearly taken care of and understood (swallowed) before going for the next bite. Stop overwhelming your partner by making them try to swallow the elephant whole. Keep your speaking short and sweet.

Your simple courageous work: eat that elephant one bite at a time.

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Horseshoe crabs, starfish, and your relationship. Make a difference.

2011-05-05T10:25:00.001-04:00

This morning while I was walking on the beach with Thor we rescued a few wild animals. There were 5-6 horseshoe crabs trying to get back into the surf, a stranded sea horse, and a starfish- all were thrown back into the waves. It reminded me of a story I once heard.

One day a man went down to the beach and was surprised to see starfish washed up everywhere. There were hundreds of the creatures along the tide line, some still moving and wet. As he marveled at them, the man noticed a young boy a little ways down the beach bending over repeatedly and throwing something into the waves. The man approached and realized the boy was picking up starfish and throwing them back into the ocean.

"What are you doing, young man?" he asked. "Throwing them back," was the direct reply without hesitation in throwing. "But there are hundreds, you can't help them all, it doesn't make a real difference, and you'll just get tired" the man said, believing he was stating an obvious and important truth. The boy stopped for a moment, looked at the starfish in his hand, and then threw it into the waves. He turned to the man and said, "I made a difference for that one."

The boy knew more truth than the man; often it is the one thing we do, the one action we take, the one choice we make that creates a difference.

Have you ever felt there were too many things to do to fix your relationship problems? Have you felt overwhelmed by the hundreds of starfish washed upon the shore? Then pick one to work on. Help one thing get better. Make one healthy move right now. Save one starfish- then the next- then the next... and make a difference in each of those things. That's your courageous work.

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The beauty of the Earth and of your relationship

2011-04-22T11:17:00.014-04:00

This morning I completed a five and a half mile forested hike as part of my training to hike the Grand Canyon later this year. As I hiked with my dog Thor a relationship lesson came to me.

The hike was great, the weather warming, the sun bright, and the woods starting to come awake from the long winter. Buds were opening on branch tips and the skunk cabbage was greening up the wetlands. But what were most obvious were the sounds! The birds definitely know it is Spring. Here's a sample of what I heard:

Chickadees "deeing" at each other
Squirrels scolding me from the tree limbs
Robins kicking aside leaves to find worms
A chipmunk's descending chirps and squeaks
The thrum of a woodpecker drumming a tree
The wind in the feathers of a hawk as it flew close overhead
A male cardinal exclaiming in song to all who will listen

I was enthralled and happy to hear all the noise and wildness. A woman came jogging along the path toward me. She smiled at us as she went by, and I noticed the ear-bud headphones she was wearing. I hiked a few steps listening to the singing red bird above, and I felt sorry for that woman. She was missing out on so much.

My question to you is - do you do the same thing in your relationship?

NASA- moon set over Earth

What do I mean?

Do you let distractions keep you from realizing the full potential of your relationship?
Do you let work, the grand kids, friends, family, a hobby, the Internet, or any other thing distract you from really paying attention to your partner?
Are you disconnecting by connecting?
Do the things you do keep you from noticing things that might be important or just plain fun?
Are you using any misery stabilizers to distract from your relationship?
Are you truly mindful of yourself, your partner, and your relationship?
What are you avoiding?

Distractions keep you from truly participating in your relationship. They keep you from appreciating what is good and wonderful in your connection to your partner. What may start as a diversion may lead to a disconnect. You miss out, so refocus and pay attention again.

You see, if I had been listening to music I would never have known to look up and see a beautiful red cardinal singing his heart out for a mate. I would never have known to look to the side of the path to see the chipmunk scurrying away on a log. I would have missed the red-tailed hawk as it skimmed overhead. I may have gotten my exercise, but I would not have really lived my hike.

On Earth Day, your courageous work is to pay attention to your relationship and stop letting yourself be distracted. Spend energy and time on your relationship; truly live in your relationship. You'll find you enjoy it more as you see the great things about this loving connection.

Lastly, pull out those ear-buds and relate a little to the wonder of the Earth, too.

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Ms. Manners Murders Marriages

2011-04-18T08:46:00.004-04:00

Let me ask you a question: Is there a right way to do each thing? Or said another way, is there a right way of being in every situation?

If you answered "Yes," or "most of the time" you are off track.

At this point people argue with me and say "Well there is a universally accepted and polite way!" My reply? "No, there is the way you believe is the accepted and polite."

Do you understand the difference? When you say there is a "way" to be you are expressing your accepted way. Your way comes from your experiences, what you were taught, and what you have decided. Others may not believe the same thing ... and they aren't wrong.

Why is this important? Because when you approach an issue with an attitude of "I know the right way this should be" you communicate in an unhealthy way. Even if you use "I" while talking, you'll still come across as judgmental. Examples:

"I think fathers should act ______ way."
"I know a spouse who is connected would _____."
"The right way to talk to me is __________."
"I see you as a horrible ________ (parent, spouse, person, etc.)"

You get the picture. These sorts of statements make you a Barry. Even worse you come across as a snob; one up! When you preach "manners" you mangle your relationship. You cause fights. You disrespect your partner, too.

By insisting you are right and there is a "right way" you disrespect your partner's experiences, training, and decisions. You don't give them the chance to open up about how they see it or learn in a healthy way about your views. You shut them down, and a shut down spouse is not a happy spouse.

So your courageous work is to get off the Ms. Manners bandwagon. Stop trying to force your spouse to be the way you want them to be and start talking about what you like and why (not how they "should" be.) Open up and understand your spouse has a different view from different experiences and that is okay. Accept that fact. If you want something, talk about how important it is to you (not to society!) Stay away from being a snob.

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Liking what you are doing

2011-04-15T11:31:00.000-04:00

Today as I was scanning my Twitter feed I noticed Loren (@WarmPiano) had the following two tweets:

"Lots on my to-do lust today."
then
"OMG to-do LIST."

I laughed aloud. (I even sent him a "LOL".)

However, it got me thinking. Wouldn't it be nice if we were passionate about our relationship to-do lists?

He was certainly passionate about painting.

Are you passionate about the things you do for and in your relationship? Are you excited about spending time with your partner and on your relationship? Do you truly enjoy doing the things that strengthen your relationship? Do you look forward to doing the things your partner loves in you?

I think couples often lose sight of the passion and excitement of their relationship because they get caught in the thought that it is "work" and of course "work" isn't fun, right? Wrong! I love my work, I'm good at it, and I look forward to it. The same is true of my relationship because I have tapped into my passion and excitement of being in that relationship!

One of my favorite painters, Bob Ross once said, "You do your best work if you do a job that makes you happy." (Probably right after he painted a "happy little tree.") I will link that quote to one by Confucius, "Do what you love to do and you will never work a day in your life."

What I'm getting at is this: if you focus on what you love about your relationship, the reason you are in it, the drive and passion you have for it, then you will find that your relationship to-do list is not longer such a chore. In fact, you will do the work well and excitedly.

Here are a few ways to get back that feeling of passion about your relationship:

Make a list of what excites you about your relationship (or what used to.)
Think about all the things you enjoy or have enjoyed doing with your partner
Identify (and express to your partner) the things you love about them
Recognize the ways you contribute to the positive energy in the relationship- how do you feel best?
Create a different list - a "to-do lust" - of things you crave doing for and in your relationship
Look at the things that drain your passion for the relationship and determine if you can view them differently or eliminate them completely

Your courageous work is to change your to-do list to a to-do lust; focus on the things that motivate you and keep you passionate about your partner and the relationship. Use that positive energy to help you do well the work involved in keeping your relationship rewarding.

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Checklist for a Healthy Relationship

2011-04-13T12:27:00.000-04:00

Today, rather than my thoughts and teachings, you are getting an important checklist of things that must exist to have a healthy relationship. See how your relationship stacks up.

open and spontaneous communication (speaking and listening)
clear explicit boundaries and expectations are expressed with allowance for reasonable flexibility
trust of each other
a feeling of security and self-confidence exists for both
personal identity, freedom and individual sense of self is encouraged
negotiations are fair without power plays, whining, or threats
both enjoy doing things for self and each other
having fun together is common - healthy humor and play included
neither tries to "fix", change, or control the other
feelings and needs are expressed assertively and cleanly
each is accepted for their real self
both have humility and can let go of "being right"
respect for each other and the relationship
conflict is dealt with openly, resolution or management is reached
both are open to feedback
a balance of giving and receiving happens
there is an ability to forgive self and other
mistakes are accepted as part of being human and they are learned from
both are willing to take risks and be vulnerable with each other
other meaningful relationships and interests exist without taking away from the couple
each can enjoy time alone
privacy is respected
change, personal growth, and exploration are all encouraged
commitment is continuous and consistant
there is a balance of together and separation
each takes responsibility for their own behaviors (no blame or shame)
you have time to be together as a couple (not just parents, providers, etc.)
a sense of working together as partners exists
tenderness and physical affection connect you
each of you is realistic about what to expect from the other and the relationship

Your courageous work is to ask yourself the following questions: How many do you bring and your partner bring to the table? What is missing or impaired? What are you doing well and can celebrate? Which ones must you work on? How can you improve your relationship in each area listed? What is the first one you are going to tackle?

Click the comment button below and tell us how you did!

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Getting Married? Top 10 things you need to discuss!

2011-04-08T10:37:00.001-04:00

Many of the questions below came from couples in my office - they say things like "I wish I'd known..." or "If I'd only asked..." or "He/She never told me...." And those are the reasons they are now talking to me, a counselor, about their relationship. I'm sure you don't want to see me (as nice and good as I am!) so here are ten things a couple should discuss before they tie the knot.

1. Money: How will we handle money? Who will pay bills, make the budget, save, plan for spending and allocate fun money? How much should be saved? If one of us makes more does that mean he/she gets to control more of the money? Will we have a common "pot" or divided accounts? What is a necessity and what is a luxury (going out to eat, seeing a movie, cable, vacations, Starbucks, etc.) Do either of us bring debt or assets into the marriage and how will that be viewed? Money is a big topic couples gloss over and then regret!

2. Kids: Do we want kids at some point? Do we both agree on when, how many, and how we'll take care of them? What will be our parenting style? Are we able to work as a team and agree to present a united front? What should we do if that isn't happening? How will children be disciplined? Kids are a blessing and a stress inducer for relationships - plan accordingly

3. Work/Employment: How will work be negotiated? Will both of us work? How many hours a week? Will it be okay for one of us not to work? Under what circumstances? If one of us were to be offered a career opportunity in a location far from the other’s family, are we prepared to move? How do our levels of ambition match or differ? Are we okay with them being different? If they match, does it cause competition and how do we handle that in the long term?

4. In-Laws: Are there any major family of origin issues? How good is your potential spouse at setting limits with family and/or are you bothered by this issue? What place does family of origin play in your life as a couple? How about when you have kids? How often do we visit or socialize together? If we have out-of-town relatives, will we ask them to visit us for extended periods? How often? How much involvement do or will family members or parents have in decision making? Will you function as a couple first, or part of a larger family who has great influence? Remember, the family comes along when you get married!

5. Free time: What do we enjoy doing together? Are these things that will last for the long term or are they short term interests? How have we developed "play" and free time together? Does it bode well for future ability to negotiate free time? What are the expectations about how we'll spend our free time once married? How much time will we have alone or with our own friends? Do we like and respect each other’s friends? Can we spend time with each other's friends?

6. Chores: How will we divide chores? What does each of us dread or like to do as chores? What chores are important to each of us? Remember, 50/50 isn't always the answer.

7. Sex: Are our sexual needs compatible? Do either of us need more, less or different things? Can we talk about it clearly so we can negotiate any future change? Is my partner affectionate to the degree that I expect?

8. Spirituality: What are our religious/spiritual needs? What do each of us need to feel spiritually fulfilled? What holidays will we celebrate? How will we celebrate? How will we balance them with our families? Will we will have problems with any family members during the holidays?

9. Health: Is each of us happy with the other's approach to health? Does one have habits or tendencies that concern the other (e.g., smoking, excessive dieting, poor diet)? Are each of us willing to be in charge of our own health so it doesn't impact the other negatively? Are each of us willing to support the other in health or do we sabotage each other? This includes mental health as well as physical.

10. Problems: Do we have problems in our relationship that we need to deal with before our wedding? Is there violence, drugs/alcohol, mental health illness, personal issues, or past things that might affect the relationship? (including past marriages, kids, alimony.) Are there issues from dating that could affect the marriage? (trust, unfaithfulness, difficulties handling conflict well) Is it is important to be faithful to one another? Do we have trust issues around faithfulness?

Some of these are things you can and should be figuring out as you are dating. I don't necessarily suggest you sit down with you potential mate and run through all these questions in a sitting. That could be torturous to both of you. Look at the questions and see which you know and which you can discover.

However, if you are considering getting married and you don't know the answers to a number of these questions, you have some discussing to do before you cut the cake!

Your courageous work is to find the answers to the above questions before you marry. If you are already married, you might want to talk about some of these things even now. Your relationship is only enhanced by sharing honestly. Hopefully, if you have a good grasp on the answers and are open with each other about ideas you'll have a better marriage.

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In an affair? Does your lover really love you?

2011-04-05T15:37:00.000-04:00

Wedding Lily

Does your lover really love you?

Not is your lover sexually attracted to you...
Not is your lover interested in you...
Not is your lover "in love" with you...

But - does your lover truly, really, LOVE you?

If you answer "yes", and you are in an affair with that person, you are wrong.

You see, the basis of all true, real and healthy love is respect. No one who expects you to be involved in an affair respects you. No one who lets you or asks you to be in an affair respects you. This is true whether you are the one who is married or if your lover is. Being in an affair is the antithesis of respect and integrity.

Why can't they respect you? Because respect acknowledges all aspects of a person and their life. It recognizes the situations you might be in (like marriage) and appreciates what they mean. Respect doesn't lead you to do things you will feel badly about in the long term for short term benefits.

By participating in an affair with you, your lover is disrespecting you. (and you are disrespecting them and yourself if you are in an affair.) An affair isn't based in love... it is based on disrespect.

That may sound harsh, but consider this - if you felt good about what you were doing would you be hiding it? If you felt it was respectful would you feel so bad about it when you are with your spouse? If you felt things would be okay if your spouse knew why do you need to get angry about your marriage? You hide because you don't feel worthy of respect - you know you have acted disrespectfully of yourself, your marriage, your spouse, and your lover.

What do you do, then? Grab a hold of your integrity and be honest with your partner. Tell him/her you are unhappy, come together to heal the situation, or decide together if things aren't going to work out. Really do the work and earn your way in or out of the relationship before you make any moves toward another one. Be worthy of yourself and a healthy relationship. If you feel you can't work on the relationship, then have the respect to leave it before starting another one.

Your courageous work is to confront the truth of what an affair really is (hiding, disrespectful, selfish, etc.) and make moves to either end your marriage or the affair. You really can't have both (and your spouse knows!) Don't live in stable misery; do something about it and respect everyone involved! That's real love.

Click the comment button below speak up!

Don't forget you can hire me to coach you through difficult relationship concerns

as well as to teach you techniques for a healthy and rewarding relationship.

Contact me here.

Thinking of Tying the Knot? Top 5 things you need to ask yourself!

2011-04-01T06:50:00.001-04:00

The traditional marriage season is soon approaching, and in honor of that I thought I'd make a list of five things you need to ask yourself before considering marriage:

    1. Communication: Am I comfortable talking about almost all topics with my partner - including disagreements? Do we handle conflict well? Does each of us face or avoid conflict? How have we made decisions together? Do our conflict and decision making styles match or clash? Do we both truly listen to each other and consider one another’s ideas and complaints? Good communication will take a relationship a long way while unhealthy communication will ultimately blow it up.

   2. Reasons: Am I getting married for love and trust or for the wrong reasons? How about my partner? Pregnancy, finances, sex, loneliness, to escape, dependency - all are bad reasons to marry and will lead to problems later.

   3. The Nots: What are the "non-negotiable deal breakers" for you? Your partner? What are the things that you will not accept or tolerate in your marriage relationship? Have you expressed these clearly to your partner? Are there some things that you or your partner are not prepared to give up to be married? Do they fit in a married state? Is you each aware of these and okay with each not giving them up?

   4. Love: Am I in love with the whole person that is my partner? Accepting both good and bad, knowing the possible difficulties, not trying to change the other? Is it love or lust? Do I trust that I am committed and my partner is committed to making the marriage work? Real love takes work, knowing each other, letting go, and acceptance.

   5. Expectations: What are my expectations, hopes and fears about being married? Do I expect everything to remain the same for years? (change is inevitable!) Do I want to change my partner? (never works.) Do I expect the fairy tale? Have I expressed these expectations clearly to my spouse-to-be? Do I feel safe talking about those things?

It is important to take a relationship temperature with yourself as you are thinking of marriage - all the way up to the "I do." Often people get caught up in the hype of the moment, the planning, and the expectations and forget to check in with themselves. I have heard too many times "I couldn't call it off, it had gone too far," or "I didn't want to disappoint everyone else," or "We'd spent too much money to back out." Unfortunately, therapy and divorce cost a lot of money on top of what was spent on the wedding.

Your courageous work is to take a step back and tune in with yourself about your marriage plans. Ask yourself the above questions and be honest in your answers. You'll be happy you addressed these things before you tied the knot.

Keep your eyes open! Next Friday I'll list the top 10 things you need to ask your spouse-to-be. Tune in.

Click the comment button below and tell us what you think!

In an affair? Don't kid yourself; your spouse knows.

2011-03-28T19:33:00.000-04:00

If you are in an affair, I bet you have said "there's no way my partner knows!" You have convinced yourself you have been sneaky enough, smart enough, or cool enough to keep your partner in the dark about what you are doing.

Wrong!

Let me tell you a secret about affairs - no matter how well you think you are hiding it, your spouse knows.

How? No, not by your texting record, Facebook account, or phone calls (although this may be how you get caught); your partner knows because he/she knows you aren't there. They feel the weak link - the broken link.

They know you are disconnected.

Honestly if you are doing things outside of the marriage you have chosen to disconnect from your spouse. And they know it; they feel it in some way. Even if they can't put their finger on what is wrong, they know you aren't there (because you aren't.) They may distract themselves from the knowledge by focusing on the kids, work, other things. They may explain it away as the way relationships develop, but they know deep down you are gone.

Remember, the definition of an affair is taking something that belongs in the relationship and pursuing it outside the relationship. You have taken not just an act or feeling from the relationship, you have taken yourself when you are in an affair.

Is it fair? You may be staying to not hurt them or the kids- but those are all just excuses. If you chose to stay in the marriage then you need to be "in" the marriage and work it, not halfway out. You can't make it a good marriage while you are going outside of it.

Your courageous work is to stop deluding yourself and telling yourself your affair isn't affecting your marriage. This is about living integrity rather than dishonor. It is interesting that one synonym for integrity is "wholeness"; if you are truly about integrity you'll make your decision for wholeness.

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You and Your Body - how do you relate?

2011-03-21T08:31:00.001-04:00

I recently saw a short article in Psychology Today about body image and time spent outside. Seems women who spend more time in nature have a better body image than those who don't.

Surprised? I wasn't.

The author of the study suggested time spent outside experiencing surroundings is time not spent looking at fashion magazines with unreal models, television with ads promising perfection, or hearing about weight loss.

Although I agree less ads and more sky is better, I'd like to suggest an alternative reason body image improves. I believe getting outside into nature forces you to appreciate your body. Most outdoor time involve some sort of activity done with your body. You are able to use your body and feel good using it rather than tearing it down or comparing.

It is like the relationship with your partner. If you spend all the time focusing on what is wrong or bad about him/her/the relationship you'll be unhappy and the relationship will also suffer. If you spend time appreciating what the relationship means, what you like about it, what it gives you, then you'll be much happier as will the relationship. Appreciation is better than criticism for any relationship.

That's what happens with your body relationship when in nature. The outdoors doesn't encourage you to compare and despair; it encourages you to do and enjoy. The smells tantalize, the sun warms, the bird calls sweeten, the hiking trail beckons, the waves soothe... all wonderful things.

If you can't regularly get out into nature (I bet you can - even to sit on your porch and watch the birds) there are some things you can do to help appreciate it and your body:

Sit on the porch in the morning or evening and enjoy the bird calls
Take a 10 minute walk during lunch
Notice the natural things around you when you commute (hawks, trees, clouds, etc.)
Learn the names of the trees around your workplace or home
Spend time gardening (containers work fine - grow herbs for cooking!)
Go sit along the boardwalk and listen to the waves (not your mp3 player)
Stop and literally smell the flowers.

The last one is really meaningful to me today. I was planting a few seeds and summer bulbs and realized something I'd never appreciated before: crocuses actually have a scent. It is a subtle floral scent, but I never took time to smell them before. You see, the wonder that is my body didn't let me miss it as I was bending over the crocuses to plant some bulbs. It made me smile.

Your courageous work is twofold:

Make an effort to appreciate your body rather than beat it up - get out into nature and do things; it'll help.
Remember to focus on positives in your interpersonal relationships as well.

Enjoy yourself, your body, your relationships, and nature. Appreciation for the win!

Click the comment button below and tell us what you think!

You are always ON in your relationship!

2011-03-18T11:22:00.001-04:00

The other day I was rather rudely (and dangerously) cut off in traffic by a work truck. Plastered all over the side, back, and windows of this truck were the name of the remodeling company. Want to bet who I won't be calling ever? Want to bet which company will have a bad taste associated with it for a long time if not forever? Want to bet who I'll steer others away from if they mention the company? I may not remember this particular incident, but I'll remember I don't like them much.

As a tourist in Japan I represented the US!

Before you argue the driver's ability has nothing to do with their ability in remodeling, keep this in mind - they were "on." That person was driving a rolling billboard, but forgot. I mean, they were representing their company in all they do including their driving. The message it gives me is I can't trust them to be careful with my remodeling work if they are careless with their driving. I can't think they'll be polite to me in person if they are rude to me on the road.

So, what does this have to do with your relationship? Simple, you are "on" at all times; you are a walking billboard for who and how you are.

If you are mean and rude to your employees, what type of person is your partner to think you are? If you nag and are negative to your friends, what impression are you giving your spouse? If you talk down about others or belittle them, how will your mate feel when talking to you? Will he or she worry you are talking down about him/her to your friends? If you talk about how you "screw" your competitors or customers, will your spouse think you are trustworthy?

This isn't about how you treat your partner "in the moment"; it is about how you treat your life and those around you all the time. You represent yourself every minute of your life - your partner sees and takes away impressions on every thing you do.

You can say "it's not fair, I'm nice to my spouse," but if you are nasty elsewhere you'll give your spouse something to worry about. You can say "I'd never do that to them," but your partner now knows you are capable of such things which means you are capable of doing it to them.

Your courageous work is to consider your life and relationship as interconnected rather than separate. There are consequences to everything you do (positive or negative.) Your actions, words, and attitude all cause impressions - think carefully what impression you want to leave and act accordingly.

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Deepen Everyday Conversations and Connections

2011-03-16T16:20:00.000-04:00

The feedback format isn't just for breakfast anymore. You can use parts of it everywhere- and live in the spirit of healthy communication.

One healthy thing to do is ask questions to clarify what was said by someone else. As a listener you are focusing on understanding the other person, not defend your ideas or intentions. So, if you are not sure of something that was said, ask a question to clarify the information.

What makes the questions work is the tone you use while asking them. It is important you are curious in your questions so they don't come across as judgmental or attacking. If you remember your role is to understand you'll be less likely to get defensive.
)Interesting side note: studies have shown men are less likely to ask questions for fear of seeming unintelligent. However, men, by not asking questions you may give your mate the impression you don't care! Ask away.)

Another healthy skill from the feedback format is to make a request when speaking. It doesn't have to be a specific action, but give your listener a chance to repair. If you are sharing so someone understands you, make your goal clear. Let them know you just want them to understand and not do anything particular. If you'd like a change, ask for it. If you want them to do something more often, recognize it, applaud it, and ask for more.

You'll get more of what you want by appreciating than complaining, than by asking instead of pouting.

When communicating in any situation you need to keep in mind you have your truth and the other person has theirs. This is normal; there is nothing wrong with it. In speaking you acknowledge verbally it is your truth, and in listening you are trying to understand the other person's truth. But whether you are the speaker or the listener it is important to keep in mind. It will keep both of you clear.

Unfortunately, since I teach the art of speaking-listening in a format, couples think they are only to use the skills when they are using the specific step. Ideally and even realistically you can help all your relationships by using the skills whenever the opportunity arises.

Your courageous work is to generalize the communication skills to the rest of your interactions. Whether you are talking to your partner, boss, child, sibling, friend, coach, therapist... you name it, use the skills. You'll find you have better conversations and better understandings.

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Commit to your Counseling or Fail. Both of you.

2011-03-10T09:29:00.000-05:00

Are you committed to the work?

One major problem I confront as a counselor is a lack of commitment to counseling. I can't "make" someone be interested or committed, so I let it go. However, I want to emphasize to you the great importance of being committed once you start counseling.

Why?

Because if you aren't committed you are wasting your money, your counselor's time, and you are bound to fail ultimately.

What do I mean by lack of commitment? Here are a few signs:

Not doing your "homework" between sessions
Only thinking about and processing the issues while you are in session
Avoiding true participation in session and keeping everything "light"
Trying to run the therapy yourself by determining what you "can" and "can't" talk about
Being a sporadic visitor to counseling
Hiding information from your counselor
Undermining counseling by picking fights, minimizing what the counselor teaches, and bad behaviors
Being a "yes man" - saying yes to what your counselor teaches and then not doing it
Refusing to make behavioral changes
Being disrespectful of the counseling directly or indirectly when not there
Blaming (overtly or covertly) your partner for everything
Not allowing your couples' counselor to speak to your individual therapist
Dropping out of therapy without processing the end with your counselor

Any of these behaviors undermine your counseling and will lead you to failure. No matter what you may believe, they have nothing to do with counseling or the counselor and everything to do with you. They are your choice.

So what do you do as a spouse/partner who has an uncommitted partner in counseling with you? Stand up and commit yourself.

Stand up for why you are there.
Make it clear what you want out of counseling.
Be clear with yourself what your relationship will look like if your partner keeps doing the same old patterns (and they will if they aren't committed to the counseling.)
Remember, everyone deserves to be cherished. If your partner isn't willing to commit to counseling they are saying they are unable to learn how to be truly cherishing of you and the relationship.
Decide how you are going to set limits on yourself around your partner's lack of commitment.
You commit to the counseling and make changes. Do all the things that will help you succeed.
Do what the healthy changes and your new self help you be strong enough to do.
If you contract to a certain number of sessions then follow through with them don't drop out when it seems a little better.

The truth is counseling is difficult and a lot of work. The other deeper truth is counseling is so worth the work and difficulties. What you can come out with is beautiful and lifelong - if you stick to your counseling and follow through to the end.

Your courageous work is to confront any lack of commitment in your personal or couples' counseling. Confront it in yourself and also in your partner. You do deserve to be cherished. Don't waste your time and money; instead make it worth your while.

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Statistics versus Personalization in Your Relationship

2011-03-07T11:43:00.001-05:00

I have been reading "Half the Sky"* by Nicholas D. Kristof and Sheryl WuDunn and to say it is intense would be an understatement. The subtitle is "turning oppression into opportunity for women worldwide," and that is what the book is about. However, the statistics about oppression are a little overwhelming; what makes it a powerful read are the stories.

Many religions use stories to teach and reach

You see, the authors make a good point that although statistics "are persuasive, they are not galvanizing. A growing collection of psychological studies show that statistics have a dulling effect, while it is individual stories that move people to act." They go on to discuss studies which showed people donated more money to individuals than to large groups or causes. It is theorized our logical systems aren't as closely linked to ethics and consciences as story systems are.

Here is where we come back to what this has to do with your relationship!

When you are talking with your partner about the effects their behavior have on you, you have a better chance at motivation if you keep it story-like rather than statistical. If you try to be solely logical and "make a point" via "facts" you will dull out your partner. Besides, "facts" are so arguable in a relationship.

What do you do, then? You make it about you. Make it personal. Tell your partner the story of what is going on with you when they do a particular behavior. The story is personal to you and more real than any "stats" you can hold up.

And since it is your story, it isn't about attacking your partner or bludgeoning them with "facts." You are sharing your experience to help them understand you and hear your request.

Your courageous work is to tell your story rather than defend yourself and hide behind "facts." Help your partner stay connected rather then pushing them away with statistical type interactions. Keep it personal and close. Logic only goes so far; in your relationship you connect better through your consciences.

Click the comment button below and tell us what you think!

*By the way, the book title is based on a familiar Chinese proverb favored by Mao Zedong: "Women hold up half the sky." You can easily find the book on Amazon or at your local library.

Is your busy life hurting your relationship? What are you avoiding?

2011-03-01T19:31:00.000-05:00

I recently read an older book by Geneen Roth called Appetites. She is known for her writing on compulsive eating, but this book had a broader scope which got me thinking about relationships.

sometimes our spouse looks like this!

You see, Roth was contending that you get really busy (compulsively eating, trying for perfection, overworking, etc.) as a way to avoid really looking at and feeling the good and bad of life. She makes the point that life has difficult and disappointing aspects to it which you deflect through busy-ness. I saw this in the clients struggling with eating disorders whom I worked with- their eating disorder is a way to evade the feelings of not being enough. (Which we know is poor self esteem)

And it also happens in relationships.

The honest truth is no one relationship can do everything for you. There will be disappointments, unhappiness, and disconnections. Where the trouble comes in is when you are avoiding those feelings. If you don't let yourself feel them, address the issues, and move on, they will appear in some negative way.

Life is not perfect and neither are relationships (or people.) Elizabeth Moon said, "People are people, messy and mutable, combining differently with one another from day to day - even hour to hour." The question is what you do about this messiness. Here are some unhealthy options:

Become wrapped up in your kids so you don't have to think about the unhappiness with your spouse
Focus incessantly on your new business and ignore your spouse most of the time
Get involved in a new hobby and work long hours perfecting it
Obsess over your body and making it the "perfect" shape/weight/size/tone
Fall into an addiction or eating disorder
Spend tons of time with family and friends and little time alone with your spouse

You see how these busy things can keep you from really approaching the issues that are difficult? You may even believe keeping busy is a good way to cope with things, but it isn't. Here are some healthy options:

Talk with your spouse about your disappointments
Forgive yourself, your spouse, and your relationship for not being "perfect"
Emphasize the things you do have in your relationship
Mourn the things you don't have and learn how to let them go
Spend time with your spouse exploring what is good between you

Your courageous work is to slow down and stop using busy-ness as a way to skirt the real pain that comes from being in a relationship. It is in those moments of true relational bravery that you may find you have a better relationship than you thought.

Click the comment button below and tell what you think!

Don't just do something; stand there! The relationship paradox.

2011-02-23T18:02:00.000-05:00

When your spouse or partner is in emotional pain, what do you do? Do you try to fix it? Jolly them out of their mood? Tell them how they should feel differently? Encourage them to think of other more "positive" things? Show them the silver lining and the big picture?

Believe it or not, 99% of the time, that is the wrong thing to do.

However, it is a natural response. None of you likes pain, I'll bet. None of you really likes seeing someone you care about in pain. So you do something to fix it, to make it better, to "heal" what is going on.

It's not what they really need.

What they need is for you to be there for them. To be firm, solid, and safe. They need you to hear them and not try to change them or how they feel. They need support and presence.

Your spouse/partner/person you care for really needs to feel their feeling and come through to the other side. All good therapists know that pain itself is a healer and to deny pain is to greatly extend the healing process. I have been taught to breathe into a client's pain, not say anything, and just witness. The wonders that come of allowing someone their pain are amazing.

This means you also can't fill a painful silence with your words. If your loved one has just shared something powerful, just say nothing and take a deep breath while remaining focused on them. They can see and feel your focus, hear your breath. Let the moment sit for a little time and let your loved one come to the next step. They'll tell you what they need.

That is the caveat. If your spouse/partner is asking you for help, for suggestions, for input then you need to give those, not your silence.

Your courageous work is to pay attention and ascertain what it is your loved one needs. Are they in pain and need your supporting presence- the wisdom of witnessing? Or are they asking specifically for help and suggestions? If it is the first, then don't do something, just stand there (or be there.)

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Reconciling after an affair- three mistakes the cheater makes

2011-02-18T12:28:00.021-05:00

Affairs are difficult, to say the least. Like marriage, we have no "manual" that tells you how to handle an affair or what the "right" things are to do. There are many books out there, but how do you know which is the one? You don't, but you do your best.

an affair is fantasy

Here are three mistakes I see cheaters make again and again when couples are trying to reconcile after an affair.

#1. Keep in touch with their affair partner. This is the "we're just friends now" excuse or "I still care and want to make sure they are okay." The cheater is trying to justify to themselves and their spouse that somehow it is okay to keep in touch with the person they cheated with.

It doesn't work. You have to make a choice and stick to it.

If you choose to work things out with your spouse, then no personal contact at all with your former lover. None. Why? Because it is too easy to slip back into the unhealthy behaviors. Even things you may try to explain as "just talking to a friend." Remember an affair is an affair. You are still taking something away from your spouse.

This is when I'm asked about work affairs. Does this mean you have to quit your job? If feasible, it is probably a good idea one of you leave the job. However, I know it isn't always practical, so here are a few suggestions:

Make it clear you are not available at all and that is your choice. In other words, don't blame the breakup on your spouse, kids, etc. Take responsibility for your choice to work on your marriage.
Keep everything strictly work (emails, discussions, etc.) and short, to the point.
Keep everything at work. No after hours "work" together, no off hour calls, no connecting outside of work.
Do not talk about personal information, feelings, memories, regrets to your ex-lover. Period.
No lunches, dinners, private discussions with your ex-lover.
No texting, checking if they are "okay," or encouraging notes.

Easy rule: if your spouse would question it, be hurt by it, or be angered by it, don't do it.

#2. Sometimes the cheater falls into idealizing the affair partner/relationship. Emotionally an affair feels really good: it has intensity, a hint of "danger" which adds spice, and "everything is perfect." However, an affair is fantasy.

The unfortunate part of fantasy is no real relationship can live up to that "perfect fantasy" you have created with your lover. Truthfully, your affair and lover wouldn't stand up to the harsh light of reality either. You have to realize reality isn't fantasy (but it can be better.) The more you focus on how "perfect" things were with your lover, the more you put at jeopardy the chance of working things out with your spouse. You can't see the real love you have (or can create) through the drunken haze of "affair goggles."

What you have to do is stop comparing and work with your spouse on your very real relationship. Help heal it, do your own work, and ask for what you would like from them.

#3 is the mistake I see most often; the cheater tries to move on too quickly. This often is indicated in a variety of ways:

"I've said I'm sorry, how many different ways do you need to hear it?"
"I said I made a mistake, let's just move on."
"I just want to leave this behind and take care of my marriage."
"How long are you going to make me pay?"

Do you realize the message you are giving when you say things like this to your hurt spouse? You are telling him or her how they feel is unimportant, your discomfort is more important, and what you did was no big thing. Not a good starting point if you are trying to heal your marriage.

Here's the tough truth: healing and rebuilding trust will take a looooooong time. If your spouse needs to talk about it "again" then talk about it. If they need to hear you say "I'm sorry" again, say it. If you need to swallow your impatience and show your remorse stronger, do it. If they need to keep tabs on you, then let them know where you are. If they want to check your texts, then let them feel more comfortable with you by doing that. If you are working with a therapist, and they think it has gone on long enough, they'll let you both know.

Keep in mind anniversaries will be the toughest. I don't mean your wedding anniversary, I mean anniversaries of thing that happened: when they found out, the first Holidays after they found out, the day you decided to end the affair, the day they confronted you, the day you moved out or back in, etc. So, this means a year at least of times when your spouse will be triggered and feel unsure.

Your courageous work if you are trying to recover your marriage after and affair is to keep these three mistakes in mind. Don't keep in touch with your ex-lover, focus on your healing work. Don't idealize what was a fantasy; enjoy what you have in reality. Don't try to hurry your hurt spouse to "get over it" and recognize they will be hurt for a long time.

Click the comment button below and tell what you think

the main mistakes a cheater makes when reconciling!

Love? What's in a name? Love by any other name.

2011-02-14T13:03:00.000-05:00

Today is the traditional day to celebrate love and romance. But I encourage you to expand today beyond romantic love and celebrate all the types of love you have in your life (or have had.)

the family members you feel close to
the family members you may have lost but still love
the friends who cared about you even when you were being a "jerk"
the dog you grew up with or who greets you when you come home
the cat that warmly purrs on your lap
of course, your partner
and the many other loves in your lifetime.

Love does not necessarily mean sexual attraction or intimate commitment. Love can be simply seeing someone for who he or she is: friend, coworker, boss, family member, or lover. To show love, you can keep our actions simple - by making a phone call, writing a letter, or sharing a hug. Show someone you care.

Take a few moments to remember, enjoy, cherish, and celebrate the greatness that is love in the world.

Happy Valentine's Day!

Fixing your marriage is like losing weight.

2011-02-08T19:14:00.000-05:00

This post has got be a winner; it has both relationships and weight loss in the title! :)

The two have much in common. Not just because they both can be frustrating, confusing, and sometimes ugly, but in a number of other ways.

First, in both fields there are lots of gurus and information. Go to your nearest bookstore or check out Amazon and you will see tons and tons of books on weight loss. From the grapefruit diet to Atkins, you name it, someone made a diet about it. The same can be said about relationships.

Like losing weight, you have got to pick the healthy ones to follow, not fads. Diet or relationship advice that has you doing weird unhealthy things should be tossed out the door. Look for the pattern in the respected experts. In study after study it has been found the reason the fad diets "work" is calories are ultimately less. (The bottom line is calories in versus calories out.) The relationship experts often boil down to some simple ideas of healthy self, communication skills, good boundaries, and respect.

Sometimes a person starts a diet and it backfires. They either go to extremes and restrict uncontrollably, or they feel so starved they begin binging. The same happens in relationships. Someone learns about the importance of talking about their feelings, and they overwhelm their partner and anyone who will listen. On the opposite side is the person who learns the motto "pick your battle" and decides never to talk about things because "they aren't important." Both extremes are unhealthy in relationships.

If you are using a healthy format for weight loss, chances are the lifestyle change will also include exercise. I'll share a story: many years ago I bought an elliptical because I loved them at the gym. I thought, "I'll work out at home daily and take off those excess pounds." Fast forward a year; I had been working out for 45 minutes 6 times a week and hadn't dropped a single pound! Why? I hadn't watched my food intake. You have to do both.

The same is true in fixing a relationship. You have to work both yourself individually as well as yourself in the relationship. Self health and relationship skill; do both.

Some parts of the work seem easier for one or the other of you. Anyone who has lost weight with someone else will agree; remember the old commercial where they do the same thing and he loses 5 pounds while she gains 10? It's because some parts are easier; my husband is just naturally good at numbers and so counting calories is a breeze for him- I hate it. I love exercise; he could do without.

In the relationship this may seem more subtle but it is very important. Often women are "better" at the communication of feelings while men are better at thinking things through to a solution immediately. When you are working on a relationship it is important to acknowledge both strengths and weaknesses of each of you. It will help you realize the work your spouse is doing even if you think it should be easy.

Weight loss and relationship change- both need to be attended to daily. Intimacy is a practice that requires regular choices (the way choosing a salad at lunch may help you keep those pounds off.) They both take a long term commitment or you will backslide. However, if you practice them both daily they can become habitual and feel less like "work".

Lastly, healthy eating and healthy relating are often not supported by those around you. You know what I mean: a culture of fast food and cheating (in both senses of the word.) You will run into saboteurs who will tempt you will "just one piece of cake" or "how will he know?" On a more subtle level it will be the normalcy of divorce as a first line choice instead of a last option. Like you need to surround yourself with people who support you new eating habits, you need to surround yourself with those who support healthy relating (even if you have to educate people on your choices in both venues.)

So what do you think? Are they similar or am I pushing my metaphors too far?

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Be a relationship scientist.

2011-02-04T14:45:00.000-05:00

sometimes we assume too much

Recently I posted this relationship hint: "Rather than avoiding, approach your partner & bring up the sore subject in a curious supportive way. Talk it through." I got an interesting reply on one of the social networks I use: "Tried that once, didn't work, won't do it again."

Have you ever said that? Have you ever tried something new and it didn't work that one time so you swore never to do it again?

If you did you shot yourself in your foot (which isn't very scientific, but it is painful!)

You see, new skills take practice. They take doing over and over again. They take refining and burnishing. It takes time to see if they are practical and workable. Not one single attempt (or maybe two.)

Why not?

Well, for the first thing when you do a new thing for the first time, you don't do it totally correctly or smoothly (dare I say perfectly?) Maybe you tried this "new skill" like approaching with curiosity, but you still were leaking some form of scorn or judgment. Or your tone wasn't curious but confrontive. Or tried to do it in the heat of the moment when everyone was already angry and disconnected.

You need practice to make "perfect." To perfect the skill, to know how it works, to get a feel for it you need to do it over and over. One time is not practice.

Jack Sprat could eat no fat...

You also need to be a scientist and not judge the new skill on a single try. When you incorporate a new relationship skill, like listening, you need to do it repeatedly. Try different styles and formats. Test your hypothesis that listening will help multiple times in multiple conditions. Really get into the skill. No scientist tests one rat one time and writes a research paper (that is accepted by the scientific community!)

But people make this mistake all the time. They come back into my office after I taught them a new technique and they firmly report, "It doesn't work." Then I ask them when and how they used it. The truth comes out - they tried it once, didn't do it correctly, and it fell apart. Therefore, to them "it doesn't work." Of course it doesn't on the first try, but you would have never gotten out of school if you only tried to memorize the multiplication table one time. You have to commit to do the work repeatedly.

Your courageous work is to not dump a new relationship skill after the first usage commit to a scientific exploration of it. Massage it, try it again, practice it separately from the situation (like writing speaking forms out, or smiling at yourself in the mirror,) and keep doing it before you judge. Give it a long time frame to make a change: say to yourself, "I'll give this skill daily usage for a month and see how it goes." Be a scientist- don't just test one rat one time.

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Say Something! Don't just stand there.

2011-02-01T09:07:00.005-05:00

I had a client sitting quietly in my office right after their spouse said some pretty intense things. I asked, "Well?" as a prompt for speaking. The reply? "There's nothing I can say to that."

My response... "That's a cop out." (probably said in a less judgmental but still direct way.)

You see, when you say to yourself something like:

"Well, that's how she feels, I can't say anything about that."
"It's the truth, I can't add to it."
"There's nothing I can say to make it better."
"I don't know what to say to that.

and then you don't say something you are seriously damaging your relationship.

Here are the type of messages you are sending to your spouse with your silence.

"You are unimportant."
"I don't even care enough to respond."
"I'm not agreeing, I'm just shutting down."
"This relationship isn't even worth me speaking."
"I'm not really listening."

In other words you are giving the impression you don't care about them or the relationship enough to converse about it.

original 3 monkeys

What is the solution? Open your mouth and say something. If you don't know what to say, then ask your spouse to say more. If you can't put words to what you think, let them know that and try your best. If you are scared, say that. If you are stuck, ask them a question or just empathize in a non-patronizing way with how they feel. Use your listening skills and paraphrase what you heard to see if you got it correct.

What I mean is open your mouth to work on connecting. You do not connect by shutting down and out.

Your courageous work is stand up and speak up. It may not be perfect or pretty, but keep trying to connect rather than withdrawing. Remember, "Silence is a text easy to misread." (A. A. Attanasio) Speaking up is not evil- it is about connection.

Click the comment button below and tell me what you think!

Being supportive in your marriage - bridging the gap.

2011-01-28T09:38:00.014-05:00

How do you show support to your spouse or partner in the things they do? What sort of things do you do? Are you active in it or a kind of "be there" person? What is your style? Do they feel the support? What things do you support for them?

bridges fall without support as do marriages

Are you supportive of your spouse in the things they do?

A client of mine had a complaint the other day which got me thinking about this. He said, "She's never read my blog," and it bothered him. She, on the other hand, couldn't see what the big deal was because his blog topic didn't interest her.

She was missing the point. Reading his blog and telling him what she thought would have shown him she supported what he was doing. It would have displayed an interest in what he spends time on and is proud of. She didn't have to read it every time he posted, just once in awhile and say something to him about it.

You see, this type of support helps your partner see you are interested in them and what interests them. Sometimes I think it is more important than more pragmatic support like problem solving or financial support.

You wouldn't want your spouse/partner to say to you, "Complete strangers are more supportive of the things I do and enjoy than you are." That's how that man felt about his blog. People he met in the digital world gave him more positive feedback about his work than his real life spouse did.

Your courageous work is to identify what things your are not supporting your partner in then support them in some way. What interests, hobbies, projects (even work), goals, ideas, or inspirations are in your spouse's life? Which of those can you show a little interest in- even enough to say "I'm aware this means something to you, tell me about it." Show them you are aware enough to cherish them.

Dale Carnegie said

"You can make more friends in two months
by becoming interested in other people

than you can in two years by trying to get other people interested in you."

How much more powerful this interest will be with your spouse!

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Are your ears broke or is my mouth not working?

2011-01-25T16:20:00.000-05:00

My sister has the unenviable position of having said the above statement to her daughter in front of my brother and I (and a video camera) a few years back. If you are a parent or have any experience with kids you know the tone of exasperation the statement was laced with. You may even be smiling.

What strikes me, though is the truth of the statement. Communication is about both a mouth and a set of ears.

It takes a speaker and a listener for good communication. It takes transmission and reception. It means both ears and mouth must be working correctly.

For problem communication the speaker may be off, the listener may be off, or both may be off. For health both must be on.

What does this mean for you?

What it means is you must be responsible for your role (and your role only) during communication. If you are speaking, and it is obvious the listener isn't getting you even while trying, then you need to work harder to be understood. If you are listening, and you aren't getting your spouse, then you need to clarify with curiosity or ask them to say it differently so you may get it.

When I need to remember this I watch the video of us feeding seagulls and hear my sister's frustrated "Are your ears broke or is my mouth not working?" I remind myself I need to fix one or the other when I'm disconnected in communication. What I fix depends on what my role is at the time.

You are in charge of your role and not your spouse's. You can't blame the other for miscommunication, just take responsibility for what you need to be doing and work on doing it better.

Your courageous work is just that: work at being the best listener you can be when you are in that role or the healthiest speaker when you are trying to be understood. If you don't know what makes a healthy listener or speaker, read the posts in this blog about them.

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What to do when your spouse doesn't want to change

2011-01-21T08:22:00.001-05:00

Often people ask me what I do about couples where one person does the work and the other doesn't. Or one person is willing to change and the other isn't.

I say, "Isn't it great that at least one of them wants to learn how to have better relationships?"

Two hearts

People don't understand what my job really is. I don't consider myself responsible for saving a marriage; I am there to teach people how to be in better relationships. Or more concisely, how to be better in relationships. If that means the marriage works and that's the relationships they have, great. If it means they learn how to be healthy in relationships, but it isn't the marriage they choose to be healthy in, still good.

I'm here to reach you and others in ways that help you be healthy in relationship.

So what do you do when the other person chooses not to move into real relational behaviors? If you are getting better, you then have a choice: what will you do now that you know what healthy is? You deserve to be cherished; is your spouse willing and able to do that?

I think that's one big thing that scares people about starting couples' counseling; it means they may have to make a decision instead of living the way they are. Some people chose to stay in stable misery because the idea of change is too frightening. Some people can't imagine what "better" really would be. Sometimes a person thinks they "deserve" what they are going through.

Let me be clear, everyone deserves to be cherished. Period.

That's the reason to come to couples' counseling- to learn how to be cherished and cherish in return. Your courageous work is to decide if your relationship could use buffing up and get thee to a counselor. Or to decide if you need to learn how to be better in relationships. Then take action.

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One up is just as bad as One down- healthy self esteem and relationships

2011-01-18T12:27:00.001-05:00


Master of Ceremonies in "Marriage in Cana"

Let us look at the social messages we get about emotional and relational health. Be independent, not feeling anything unless you choose it, being able to do everything for yourself, not asking for help, feeling better than others - society views that as health, as the ideal. It means being in charge of everything, on top of the world.

Do you disagree?

There is a message this type of "strength" is to be reached for. In other words, society views being one up as healthy.

Unfortunately, in relationships being better than others is just as unhealthy as being needy, helpless, dependent, and feeling less than or one-down.

The middle ground is the healthy spot.

Lamentably we get the wrong message from the world. Competition and admiring your skills is healthy, but only if viewed correctly.

Let me share an example. I had a client who was of genius level intelligence. He was smart, very physically able, and personable. When we started discussing self esteem, he said "I have good self esteem; I know I'm better than almost everyone at everything." While this statement may have been true, he still had unhealthy self esteem. He wasn't a better person, he was just better at doing most things than others.

What does this have to do with relationships?

You see, by acting better than you lose touch with how your actions are affecting others around you, and you begin to have problems. Because you feel better than you act as if only you matter; not relational at all. Being one up feels good, so you don't have pain to encourage you to change (as happens in one down positions.) Only the problems in your relationships. It is much like being under the influence- you are judgment impaired.

My mother used to tell me "Kim, there will always be someone smarter and someone less intelligent than you, or someone prettier or less attractive. You be your best without worrying about how you compare to others." We do have talents/skills/abilities, but they don't make us better or worse than others.

That is the healthy message- we all have the same worth.

Your courageous work is to confront any one up behaviors or thinking that you have. Keep yourself humble by realizing you could make the same mistake or look just as "stupid" at another time (and probably have.) The mantra is "But for the grace of God, there go I."

P.S. Being self righteous is a form of one up. Stop it.

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Ten Ways to Get the Most Out of Couples' Therapy

2011-01-14T09:37:00.021-05:00

Too often couples come into my office looking for a magic wand. They expect me to somehow "fix" what has been going on in their relationship. They want me to give them that ultimate insight or one thing they need to do so they are "better." Unfortunately, it doesn't work that way; therapy is not a panacea.

Therapy only works if you do.

Keeping that in mind I have created a list of things you can do to make your couples counseling successful. In no particular order, they are:

Pay attention in your session and think about it later. If you limit the time you devote to improving your relationship to only the hours you spend with your therapist nothing will get better. You have to put mental, emotional and physical energy into making things work between sessions. This leads to number 2.
Be a scientist and open to ideas. What I mean is try things out, test out the things you are learning and see what happens. Try them multiple times (no scientist only tests one rat once.) Even if you think it won't work, try it. Don't negate or minimize new ideas; you never know where they'll take you in your relationship.
Make a regular commitment to yourself and your therapy. Don’t be an infrequent flyer. You can't do therapy a couple of times over a 6 month period and think you really spent any time on it. Couples' counseling should feel a bit intense and difficult. It is work and it needs to be done regularly for it to make a difference both in session and between them.
Be honest (with yourself, your partner and your therapist.) Your counselor can't help you if you are lying to him/her and lying includes withholding information. Honesty extends to your behaviors, too; if you say you’ll do something, do it. If you don't think you will, say so.
Walk the walk, and don’t just talk the talk. As I said in #4, do what you say you'll do. Don't talk all relational in session and then go home and stop following through. You must live what you are learning in order to improve your relationships.
Think win-win. Real couples counseling is about two people who want to connect again. If you are in it to "win" or prove the other person "wrong" then you are not truly in couples' counseling. A healthy relationship realizes both parties can "win" and both can be "right" without either losing respect.
Participate, talk, think, ask questions, be there. You need to be involved in your sessions in order to get the most out of them. Ask questions and share thoughts (write them down between sessions.) Turn off your cell phones. I have lost count of the number of times I have had people think texting or accepting calls in a session is okay. It is not only rude to me, but rude to your partner. I am always interested in what this indicates about the relationship.
Allow yourself and your partner to make reasonable mistakes while remaining positive and realistic. Each person is learning new behaviors, skills, and ways of thinking; you are bound to make mistakes or fall back into old patterns. This doesn't mean you haven't made progress, just that you have to get back on track. Now, if the same mistake keeps happening, make sure you bring it up to your counselor for help.
Make changes in your behaviors. Notice I said your behavior? Marriage therapy isn't about changing your spouse. The work to be done will be on yourself; your partner will have their work, but you aren't responsible for theirs. Additionally, you have to change your behaviors. Insight is great, but it is behavioral change that improves your life and relationship. A therapist can talk to you until they are blue in the face giving you information and insight, but it isn't until you apply the information and make change that your relationship will get better.
Find a therapist you can work with, but don’t leave just because a therapist says something you don’t like. And don’t keep threatening to leave. Counseling is a personal thing and as such you both need to feel reasonably comfortable with the therapist you work with. However, it is important you choose someone and work long enough with them. Additionally, I have seen one or both people in a couple make threats or moves to leave when they are in the midst of hard work because it is hard. Stick it out and do the work; you'll be happy you did.

What these boil down to is be a partner in your therapy. You have the power to make it work, no one else - not even your therapist no matter how good he or she is. I will say it again, therapy only works if you do.

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Liar, Liar, Pants on Fire - little or big lies in your relationship

2011-01-11T13:37:00.010-05:00

I hear someone in my office say, "It was just a little lie; why is he/she so upset?" and on the face of it that statement makes sense.

Then I look at the history. Seems the person is misleading about little things regularly in an ongoing way. A few days ago it was about hiding a small purchase. Last week it was about who was at the get together when asked. A couple of weeks ago it was about what they did after work before coming home. And it continues, but none of them are "major" lies.

But they are still a problem. The lies are causing a disconnect in their relationship if their spouse/partner is upset.

Think about it this way (you know I love metaphors.) Trust is like a jar which once it is filled breaks. Take big stones and put them in the jar and it quickly fills. Small pebbles take longer to fill the jar, but if they keep coming, they will fill the jar and break it. Big lies bring you to crisis quicker, and little lies will build up to a problem, too.

What does this mean? Simply, stop telling untruths. Don't forget lies come in many shapes and sizes:

Direct untruth
Misleading information
Avoiding answering or telling
"Forgetting" to share something
Changing the topic to keep from being questioned

What do you need to tell? Anything that has to do with your partner or affects your relationship. You need to be upfront about what you are doing and thinking. This means sharing about what you are doing even in your "free" time. Don't fool yourself that what you do when you aren't with your partner has nothing to do with your partner. Lastly, don't avoid things you think will upset your partner because your partner will be more upset when they learn about it.

A caveat- sharing always needs to be done with healthy boundaries and diplomacy. I'm not advocating sharing everything you think or feel. You don't have to be a verbal fire hydrant. Share with moderation- not everything that is in your head needs to come out your mouth.

If it is so unhealthy for relationships why do people lie? All people lie (kids included) for the same reason - to protect themselves. People lie because they fear consequences of speaking.

Here are some things to think about when you are thinking of lying:

Ask yourself what the consequences will be when the lie is learned about?
How has lying in this way been received in the past?
Is this one of a host of pebbles you've been throwing in your spouse's trust jar?
Has your partner complained about your untruths before?

Your courageous work is to own up and speak up your truth. Stop minimizing any untruths and recognize they are just as unhealthy as a "big lie". Empty the trust jar of all the little and big things that are threatening to break it and leave room for the truth.

Click the comment button below and tell me what you think!

How you begin makes sharing happen...

2011-01-07T09:31:00.047-05:00

How you start determines how you end in any endeavor. That's even more true when you are speaking with your spouse/partner.

How you start sets the stage. ----> And you start before you open you mouth.

It is all about the attitude you go into sharing with. If you are out to judge, forget it- you'll just be judged. If you are out to talk about what the other person is doing wrong and "set them straight" you'll end up more crooked than before. If it is about being right and controlling your partner you'll find you are wrong and out of control.

Real sharing is about telling your truth with skill, moderation, and most importantly love.

Yes, love. Even if you are mad. Even if you are feeling very unloved. Even if you are ready to scream.

I like old cards!

Before you speak, remember you are speaking to the person you love. Stop, take a breath and think about something that has been good. Think about why you decided to be with this person. Think about their happy and intimate smile. Somehow remind yourself that you love this person or have at one time and want to again.

If you can't do that (I hope you can) then at least remember this is someone you are living with or plan to see again and be respectful.

Work hard on remembering love, though.

If you think this will be difficult for you in the moment, then here's what you do. When you are feeling at least neutral or good about your relationship write down a few things you love about your partner/spouse on a 3x5 card. Put that where you can get it easily (wallet, purse, on a notepad in your phone.) When you want to talk, take it out and review it in order to remember love.

This is important!

What you say when you have forgotten love is destructive. It disconnects. It is often not what you mean. When you remember love it comes out much differently. It is about repair, and it is heard much better. Isn't that what you want, to be heard?

Your courageous work is to remember love even in the face of disconnect. Take that breath and focus for a moment on love before you share about your hurt.

Click the comment button below and tell me what you think!

Giving what you can - an important part of communicating.

2011-01-04T08:59:00.034-05:00

I have written many times about the responsibilities of listening. I have encouraged you, as a listener, to be at the service of the speaker. I've told you to quiet the chatterbox in your head. I've clarified your job is to understand the speaker, not agree, believe the same, or come over to their side. Then I encouraged you to show the speaker that you have heard by paraphrasing. I've even shared with you the biggest mistake most listeners make.

Now I want you, the listener, to give what you can.

From the Capital Building Rotunda

What do I mean?

When you are listening, do all the things I outlined above first. Then you give back to the speaker what you can. This means owning up to what you can cop to from what they said and then agreeing to whatever part(s) of their request you can give.

Pay attention- there are two things there:

Copping to what you can admit to
Agreeing to do what you can

You see, just like the big mistake of jumping to request (#2)- if you don't own up to your part in the whole thing, then you leave your partner feeling unheard.

I saw this play out in my office recently. She mentioned he had done something multiple times in the past, so she was expecting him to do it again. His reply "Well, I wasn't going to do that, so you were wrong."

*gong show gong*!! (Boy, I need to buy one of those for my office!)

Do you think his wife felt heard? No. Do you think it matters that he was or wasn't going to do it again? No.

He missed both the responsibility to understand her and the chance to cop to his part in it. A better reply would have been: "You know, I have done that in the past; I can see where you would think I was going to do it again." He isn't saying "Yes, I was going to do it" so he isn't lying; he's admitting he had done something in the past (which he had.)

The focus is on her being heard, not him defending himself, because he's admitting to his part in it.

Your courageous work is to expand your listening skills to owning up to the part you played in what happened. Only agree to what you find true for you, but cop to them. You'll be surprised at how it helps your partner feel heard!

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Don't listen to the gurus!

2011-01-01T07:54:00.066-05:00

It is a new year, congratulations and happy New Year to you all!

Many people use today as a time to reflect, realize, and reinvent themselves. It is a tipping point in personal, relationship, and career growth for many people. Good for you if you are using today to do these things.

I have only one suggestion - be careful of the gurus.

What do I mean? Well, here's a quote by Andre Gide which captures what I mean:

"Believe those who are seeking the truth. Doubt those who find it."

In other words, if anyone tells you they have "The Way" to anything, run away from them. They may have "their" way or "a" way to reach a particular goal, but they do not have a monopoly on getting there. If they say they know "The Truth", they are lying.

You have to cut them a little slack- many marketing books encourage us to speak as if we were the only ones with the goods. However, that all-or-nothing wordage sets my teeth on edge.

And if someone believes the hype about themselves or their product/process, then they won't be able to edit or flex their style to fit your personal needs. You'll be trying to fit yourself into a cookie-cutter style which may not be yours. Run away.

Da Vinci from all accounts was pretty grandiose about himself. However, he was constantly learning, constantly changing his style, constantly trying new things. He's the type of mentor I would want.

So, your courageous work is to look for the real mentors and supports that will help you reach your goals this year. Do a little research and don't jump at the first shiny thing - make sure it fits and isn't all hype. Watch out for "the Truth" and look for "a way" (preferably a good way.) Remember, if it looks too good to be true, it probably is.

P.S. I may title myself and "Xprt" on Twitter, but I realize there are multiple ways to peel the relationship orange; the things I teach just happen to be the ways which I really believe in! And I'm constantly learning about new ideas. I hope my blog and practice helps you reach your goals this year.

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Promise keeping and taking action

2010-12-28T07:21:00.000-05:00

It is getting close to New Years, when everyone make promises to themselves for the next year. These are called resolutions and can be healthy or not. Maybe I'll write about that in a later post.

Today I want to make a comment on promises of action taken given to others. If someone asks if you did something, and you didn't- don't say you did- even if you are intending to do it.

Why? Too often it doesn't get done and things go pear-shaped.

This is like the little kid who, when asked by a parent "Did you clean your room," says "Yes" and intends to go immediately to the room and clean it. However, the dog wants to play, or the TV is on, or dinner smells good, and the kid gets caught out. Repercussions happen and the child is yelled at, grounded, loses allowance, or something. Stuck looking out the window at the world but not able to play. All because s/he didn't own up to the truth- the room wasn't clean when s/he said it was.

If you didn't do what is being asked about, say "No, I didn't" and let the person know when you are going to do it (and then do it.)

I suggest you say when you will complete it so there is no miscommunication. The person asking may mean "now" and you mean "by the end of the day." This leads to tension and problems.

What it all boils down to is being honest and up front. If you haven't done it, say so. Don't hide. If you plan on doing it, say so. Then do it. That's your courageous work.

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Perfectionism is the relationship killer... and a Holiday killer too.

2010-12-24T09:39:00.061-05:00

I've posted a few times about how trying to have the perfect Holiday is counterproductive. There is no such thing except in the movies. When you try to create a "perfect" Holiday and attempt to force others to be "perfect" you make everyone miserable.

The same happens in your relationship. Really. Consider this quote by Dr. David M. Burns:

"Remember that fear always lurks behind perfectionism."

What is it you fear in the Holidays that you are pushing to have a "perfect" one? How about in your relationship? Here are some fears people have about both...

You fear someone/your partner will not have a good time. Face it, if someone wants to have a bad time, there is nothing you can do to change that. If you do a good job as a host/ess then it is the other person's fault if they don't have a good time. Remember, there are some people who never a pleased. This is boundary work- the same type of work you do in your relationship.
You fear someone/your partner will judge you negatively. Yes, that's possible, but see the above comment. There are people who are always judgmental, there is nothing you can do about that. You keep your self esteem no matter how another person feels in the moment, including your spouse.
You worry someone/your spouse will be mad at you. Let me ask you why you are responsible for everyone else's feelings? Who made you that important? By trying to edit other's emotions you are being controlling. They need to be allowed to have them, even anger. You'll survive- their anger is about them, and maybe they need to feel it right now for some reason.
You are afraid of negative feelings. This is very common; many people fear negative emotions. You have to ask yourself why that is. "Negative" emotions like anger, sadness, jealousy, greed, etc. all have their place. Each emotion tells you something about yourself or the other person. Even over the Holidays these emotions come up - especially grief and loneliness. Let yourself and others feel those emotions, cope with them (which is the big learning part), and then move on. If you force yourself, your spouse, or others to stuff feelings because you are emphasizing perfection, be sure that emotion will come out in some nasty way.

Dr. Burns writes about what he terms the "healthy pursuit of excellence" as an alternative to perfectionism. It is about doing your best without trying to control and determine all outcomes. It is about having good boundaries (because you are only controlling yourself), good self esteem (because you are enough and matter no matter what others do) and being realistic (there really is no such thing as perfect!)

Your courageous work is to realistically pursue excellence this Holiday season and in your relationship. Stop trying to make everything perfect and find the time to enjoy both.

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Do you think you need someone to have an abundant life?

2010-12-20T07:16:00.013-05:00

Stop reading this blog for a moment and take a mental snapshot of yourself and your surroundings. Look at that snapshot and identify all the good things that you have and that are going on right now. I'll do the same.

(pause)

Here's a small portion of my list:

I have a purring cat on my lap.
I am writing in my blog which I love to do.
I made homemade bread and it smells wonderful.
The sun is glinting beautifully on the water, and I'm inside while it's cold out there.
There is a movie waiting for me to watch later.

I could go on, but the point is I have just identified a multitude of reasons to acknowledge my life is abundant. If you did the exercise you also have a small list of the abundance in your life just in this moment.

Why is this important?

Well, in my experience people are deficient in realizing their abundance. They function from a mental attitude of scarcity and lack. This causes big relationship problems.

How?

When you are functioning from sparsity, then you become needy. It makes you over-react when you feel disconnected from your partner (because you fear even more loss.) Imagining you have an insufficient life makes you grasp to try to hold what little you think you have and you experience unhealthy self esteem and poor boundaries.

Let me give you two possible outcomes when you are in the mindset of scarcity rather than abundance. You and your partner have a disagreement which is a little angry. You go one of two ways:

One-up which leads you to say something like, "Well screw them, I don't need them- they are just ____." You fill in the nasty word here. Because you feel a lack, you feel like the other person is depriving you of something and is therefore reprehensible and you react poorly toward them.
One-down where you begin to beat yourself up for not being good enough. "I'll never keep a partner, I'm not good enough; no one will want me." Your actions are pitiable and may even move your partner further away just like reaction 1 did.

There is a third option- the healthy one. Because you have reminded yourself regularly your life is abundant, you are not thrown for a loop when you get into a disagreement. You remind yourself, "My life is okay and abundant even if she/he is mad at me right now." This keeps your feet under you and you respond in a more giving way with healthy self-esteem and boundaries.

Your courageous work is to practice acknowledging your abundance daily. Then when you start to feel disconnected you can remind yourself you will survive and even be okay, but in this moment you can now respond in a healthy manner.

P.S. If you struggle with thinking of abundance listen to Louis Armstong's song "What a WonderfulWorld" or "Sittin in the Sun."

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and tell us about your abundance list!

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Anger and patience: escape a hundred days of sorrow.

2010-12-16T19:16:00.000-05:00

A friend of mine, Jim (@jimsutton5 on Twitter), sent me a quote and suggested it would make a great post. I thought he was right, so here it is!

If you are patient in one moment of anger, you will escape a hundred days of sorrow.

- Chinese Epigram

Anger is such an interesting emotion because of the way it is misunderstood and expressed. Let's look at the myths about anger.

Anger is bad. Nope, anger is just an emotion. All emotions have a reason and tell us something about ourselves. Anger is just a response to a threat - in other words it is telling you that you are feeling threatened in some way. Recognizing threat is a survival trait; those who didn't aren't around anymore. So, when you are angry the question you should be asking is, "What is happening that I feel threatened?" That question will allow you to deal with the issue. Besides, anger also energizes you for action.
Anger is always hurtful to others. Really, it isn't the anger that hurts; it is what you do with your anger. I know that sounds cliche, but it is true. You can express you anger without getting nasty, mean, or even hurtful. Speak from your experience in a respectful and non-judgemental way, and you'll express your anger in a better way. Hopefully you'll avoid that sorrow.
Anger is good to feel. Here is the rub, anger is the tell-tale of a problem, but you'll have a bigger problem if you hold your anger and nurse it. That leads to ulcers, violence, relationship disconnects, and depression. Stop it. Feel your anger, deal with it, and move on.
Only certain types of people have problems with anger. I've heard this myth applied to men, women, the elderly, the young, police, criminals,... you name it. No one group has the monopoly on difficulties with anger. Anger is a universal emotion and if you aren't taught how to deal with it you have problems.
Anger is all in the mind. All emotions have physiological components - this means physical things can trigger anger. Research has shown odors, temperature, and pain all can induce anger despite the person's frame of mind. You need to recognize your triggers (tiredness, stress, the weather, etc.) and take them into account.

What does patience have to do with anger, then?

If you allow yourself a moment of patience when you feel anger you will not react with a knee-jerk response to it. You take a breath or two, ask yourself about why you are feeling threatened, and you make a choice in how you respond. Funny thing about choices - you make them all the time. So, if you choose not to take that breath and use patience, you are choosing to misuse your anger. Anger never controls you, you let it control you, your choice.

And you are choosing sorrow, ultimately.

Your courageous work is to treat anger as what it is - a signal something needs to be worked on, and then choose to work on it in a constructive way.

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Holiday Hint: Just enough and only just enough.

2010-12-10T08:59:00.054-05:00

This is the last of the Holiday hints indicated in the anagram REAL JOY. Hopefully you have been using "real joy" to create real joy in your Holidays.

J is for “Just enough.”

Do “just enough” to make the Holidays what you want them to be - meaningful and enjoyable for you and your family.

Keep from making the Holidays complicated. Learn to say “No” gently but firmly if you are asked to add things. Don't add anything that isn't meaningful or enjoyable to you and yours. Learn to say “Help” just as firmly but gently. Remember enlisting help is an important skill.

Simplify your gift giving. It is really true one meaningful gift can say more than three expensive thoughtless ones. My family does Secret Santa so we each only buy for one person and we can focus on that person.

Have just enough decorations. Don't go nuts on decorating - make things meaningful and beautiful to you. As a child I loved the light-up soldier that went in the yard. I didn't need the whole house outlined in lights; I just wanted the soldier guarding our driveway.

Simplify your food. Have fewer tastier dishes (just enough) at your dinner rather than a massive feast with tons of leftovers. If someone wants you to add dishes, suggest they bring those things on the day of celebration. Give them the gift of the recipe and encourage them to learn how to make it. Remind them they can then have the dish anytime of the year.

Participate in just enough events. Don't do things you don't enjoy - parties, visiting, events. Be truly involved in the things you do because you'll have energy for them.

Make your Holidays be about just enough so you can feel the true joy of the season. If you are doing just enough all the positives of the season have just enough space to join you. Make that space in your life.

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and tell us how you have just enough!

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Your Personal Empowerment is Killing Your Relationships

2010-12-06T07:12:00.002-05:00

Ever say "I'm not taking it anymore!" and had everyone stand up and cheer?

Ever mutter "No one is telling me what to do, especially my spouse" and have others say "right on!"?

Ever follow through with those statements by distancing yourself and "taking care of myself"? Ever feel good and justified with that action? Good for you...

... but absolutely terrible for your relationships.

Unfortunately personal empowerment has grown without consideration of how to empower people within relationships. Most personal empowerment is just that, personal. It is all "I" with no "us," and it is killing your relationships.

I regularly see women who have left their marriages to "find my voice" or "set my limits." In guys they leave usually because "I'm not going to be controlled" or "I have to live my own life." All these goals are commendable and they are possible within the relationship.

Who says you have to leave in order to find your voice? How about speaking up within the relationship? Who says the only limit you can set is leaving? How about talking about your unhappiness and wants? What keeps you from learning how to negotiate what is needed within the relationship? You aren't controlled if you learn why and agree to something. Why can't you learn to have your own life and a relationship together? That's actually healthy!

It is a fallacy to think you can only have personal empowerment outside of a relationship, but that's what many of the messages of personal empowerment seem to say. I've even written about the importance of self care, but I never said you need to get rid of everyone else in order to do it. However, did you take it to the all or nothing of "I have to take care of myself and ignore others"?

You see, personal empowerment has been taken to the step best summed up in the statement:: "I'm no longer weak, I'm strong, so go stuff yourself!" Not very relational, is it?

What I want you to think to yourself (and act with) is the statement: "I am now strong enough to stand up with you and negotiate what it is I need and want in this relationship."

Personal empowerment should flow into and strengthen your relationships not tear them apart. That's your courageous work.

Have you wrestled with personal empowerment in your relationship?

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Holiday Hint: Yourself, yes, you!

2010-12-03T08:21:00.078-05:00

For the past five weeks, you have read about multiple hints from the anagram REAL JOY. R = realism, E = enlist aide, A = acknowledge all emotions, L = List priorities, and O = Optimistic outlook.

Y is for “You” (meaning you and your family.) I'm talking about care of "you." Along with realism self care holds you together. If you aren't taking care of your body, you'll be stressed out, and you'll get nothing done. Additionally you'll not enjoy any of the Holidays and/or fall apart.

Make sure you all:

Get enough sleep - Good sleep needs to be consecutive hours, not random naps. Get at least five hours in a row if not more each night. It is important. Something to keep in mind, lack of sleep can cause psychosis. Additionally, lack of sleep will kill a body sooner than lack of food.
Eat nutritiously- Nutrition is hard to watch over the Holidays. Allow yourself to detour during celebrations, but only with moderation. On other days make sure you are getting a variety of nutritious foods including your fruits and vegetables daily.
Hydrate - lack of liquids cause headaches, irritability, and signals often confused with hunger. Don't include caffeinated or alcoholic liquids in your count, they dehydrate. Strive for at least 64 ounces a day.
Take time to exercise to keep energy up - Yes, exercise actually increases your energy. It releases the feel good chemicals your body and mind enjoy. Additionally, for your kids (and yourself) exercise helps decrease nervous energy and the feeling of being cooped up with the short days and dark evenings.
Refrain from overindulging in food and drink - When you overeat or have copious alcoholic drinks, you cause discomfort in you body, decrease your energy, and unbalance your emotions. Additionally, it makes your sleep poor and dehydrates you. Be moderate and you'll enjoy the Holidays much more.

Your courageous work is to keep the machines that are your bodies up and running strong.

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Animal treatment- how do we stack up? Pretty poorly, actually.

2010-11-29T07:36:00.008-05:00

Ghandi once said the true measure of a society is how they treat their animals. ("The greatness of a nation and its moral progress can be judged by the way its animals are treated.")

America spends hundreds of thousands of dollars a year pampering their pets. From dog toupees and nail polish to medical care, we love our pets and that's good. But what about other animals?

Let me share a memory with you. I was driving in NC near my parents' place and ended up behind a chicken truck. For those of you who never have seen one, here's what I saw. Piled ten high and dozens deep were open wire cages with chickens in them, and I don't mean one per cage, I mean shoved in like sardines. The cages were too short for them to stand, and they were so cramped they didn't look like they were sitting or laying down well either. The ones on top were lucky because no one was pooping on them, but were they? They got to ride in the direct wind from the rapidly moving truck. And did I mention it was pouring? They were all huddled, barely able to stand, in the cold wind soaking wet.

I ask you, if we transported prisoners that way wouldn't some human rights groups be up in arms screaming to high heaven? Maybe we could transport kids to school that way? How about using that for your daily commute? For that chicken farm, and thousands like it, wet, sick, unhappy and frightened chickens are business as usual.

Ghandi wasn't just talking about pets.

Look, I'm not screaming for you to become vegan or blow up chicken farms. What I am asking is you be aware of what is going on and how you contribute to it. There are things you can do. Make a choice and be responsible- be mindful.

When I saw that truck (which is from a major chicken producer, but I won't name names) all I could think is, "Every time I have chicken I encourage that sort of treatment. It was very sobering.

Before you argue they are just chickens, spend some time watching them interact. They love (watch a hen with her brood), defend their loved ones, have petty squabbles and even big fights. They "chat" with one another and even snuggle. No, they aren't "perfect" or "beautiful" all the time, but neither are humans.

Think on this: "The question is not, 'Can they reason?' nor, 'Can they talk?' but rather, 'Can they suffer?' " ~Jeremy Bentham

Just because you are good toward your pets doesn't mean you can forget about the other animals in the world. Ghandi was right; how you treat animals is a reflection of how progressed you are including how you are in all your relationships.

"The worst sin towards our fellow creatures is not to hate them, but to be indifferent to them, that's the essence of inhumanity." ~ George Bernard Shaw

If you are indifferent to suffering outside your home, you are capable of the same indifference inside your home.

Your courageous work is to take some time to learn things you can do to help (they aren't hard) and do them. Then you can look your spouse and your pet in the eye and say "I am truly learning how to care."

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ENDING TOMORROW!

Holiday Hint: Open to Optimistic Opportunities

2010-11-26T10:02:00.046-05:00

Yesterday you probably celebrated the first major Holiday of the season (unless you count Halloween.) I hope the real joy suggestions I have shared over the past four weeks helped you cope and enjoy the Holiday.

Today I continue my gifts of ways to put "real joy" back into the Holidays. So far we have completed "real" in the anagram REAL JOY. In a continuation of my out-of-orderness, I'm going to talk about O.

O is for “Optimistic Outlook.” Create and surround yourself with feelings of optimism and positives. Spend time with positive people, the people who energize you, and limit the time you spend with those who you find draining. After yesterday you probably have a better idea who the drainers are.

Here's the test, if you walk away from a discussion feeling better and positive, the person is an energizer. If you walk away feeling sucked dry or depressed, they are a drainer. You can feel tired after spending time with the energizer, but it is a "good" tired rather than a "blah" one.

This may mean limiting time with certain family members, and that's okay, even healthy.

As you spend time with the optimistic and energizing people you have more energy to do things and enjoy your time. You also learn new ways to be positive and energized.

Additionally, remember to enjoy optimistically. On regular days we forget to enjoy the moment; we do more so in the hectic pace of the Holidays. Take a break and do fun, playful things. Kick in the leaves, set up trains, watch geese fly, make snowflakes, create a skit with your kids, use your imagination.

Remember, the ability to play is a sign of mental wellness.

So your courageous work is to surround and fill yourself with optimism and positive vibes. It is your choice, you know.

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tell us about the drainers and energizers in your life!

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Holiday Hint: Enjoy Every Emotion

2010-11-19T05:19:00.077-05:00

So far in Holiday Hints I have encouraged you to make a family list of the important traditions which becomes your to do list (L). Then you enlist the aid of your family and others to complete that list (E). Last week you checked to make sure you are being realistic (R). Now let us look at the emotions of the holiday and complete the word "real" in our anagram REAL JOY.

A is acknowledge all emotions. Even though it is a time of sacredness and joy, the holidays often bring up grief. It is perfectly natural to feel sadness even years after a death. The Holidays are a time of memories, so sadness can come up, and it is okay.

Take time to mourn through a meaningful ritual such as a trip to a grave site, looking at old pictures, or telling stories of a loved one. You can then return to the Holiday celebrations with good memories.

If someone you know is feeling grief, allow them to do so. Be careful how you react and don't judge. It may be years later after the loss; that is alright. Support them, encourage them to feel the emotion and help them mourn.

You do yourself and your dead loved one a disservice if you deny your real emotions. Let yourself or others feel them, go through them, and come out the other side.

Also include humor in your Holidays- it may be a sacred time, but it also is a fun time. Find joy in the season and share it with all you meet. It's too easy to be grumpy when stressed, so find the candid camera moment and laugh about it. I have a great story about a live Christmas tree, a fake tree stand, a sawed off coffee can, six bungee cords, and ten landscaping bricks. It still makes me laugh; there could have been a hidden camera and I wouldn't have been surprised.

All emotions are possible during the Holiday season; don't stuff or ignore any of them. Anger is a signal something is uncomfortable or threatening to you. Happiness, contentment and joy are all indicators of things you want to repeat next year. Sadness and grief show what you have lost and need to mourn. All these things fit in the Holidays.

Your courageous work is to recognize, respect, and feel all your emotions this Holiday season.

Click the comment button below and tell us about your Holiday emotions!

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Holiday Hint: Really? Be Real!

2010-11-12T09:56:00.027-05:00

This week's Holiday hint follows making a list and asking for help. These weekly posts are my gift to you to help put "real joy" back into your Holidays using the anagram REAL JOY.

The R represents the core concept, “Realism”. I want you to stop your Holiday planning and ask yourself how realistic you are being. There are three areas you need to check:

Time
Money
Expectations

Time: the actual time for the holiday is a day or a week, be realistic about what can happen in that time. Look at the number of parties you are planning to host or attend and ask yourself how realistic you are being. This includes the parties your children are going to (because you are responsible to get them there and back unless you ask for help!) Also look at how many places you can be in a single day. Even if that day is "the Holiday" you may not be able to visit everyone, so make appropriate plans.

Money: it is so easy to over-spend during the Holidays. It isn't only gifts that we spend on; look at food, outfits, decorations, cards, stamps, events as well as gifts. Truly, a single meaningful gift is better than an unwanted expensive one. Wear the same dress to multiple events. And if you are asking others to bring food, then you'll save there. Ask yourself how sensible you are being as you spend. It may help to keep a list of expenses this Holiday season- before you get the credit card bill!

Expectations: Reality Check! There is no such thing as a “perfect” holiday; they only happen in the movies or on "Leave it to Beaver." Don’t expect to have a “perfect” holiday; strive for a good one. Additionally, don’t attempt to resolve long-standing family issues, that's for another time. Chances are, if you can’t stand a person the other 364 days of the year, you won’t be best buddies on a Holiday. Reach for civility- work on the issues another time if you chose to. Don't expect to make everything better on that one day; you'll make yourself, the other person, and those around you miserable. It's a little like a mermaid trying on shoes. Lastly, choose to be kind to yourself and those around you- the Holidays are stressful even if they are positive.

What you are trying to do for the Holidays is keep the traditions and memories that are important to you and your family. When you are unrealistic in your time, money or expectations you move away from those things that are important. Your courageous work is to be mindful and refocus you and your family on the important parts of the joy of the season.

Click the comment button below and tell us how you stay realistic over the Holidays!

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Should beauty and weight matter?

2010-11-10T11:03:00.000-05:00

Ivory Portrait

It seems to be in vogue now to write about beauty as a requirement for survival. Magazines as disparate as "Psychology Today" and "Harper's Bazaar" have been making what they say are "controversial" or "surprising" statements about beauty and weight.

What are they saying? Well, they say it matters, and it matters a lot.

Gasp! Aren't we taught it is what is inside that matters most? How can this betrayal happen?

If you look at this new "controversial" movement about women and beauty (and most of them write primarily about women- as if looks didn't mean anything for men) what much of it boils down to is species survival. Like any pundit trying to make a point, they are taking the "we are hard-wired to look to beauty" to an extreme. The claim is beauty and healthy weight indicate a healthy individual with good genes. Therefore, that person is more desirable as a mate (to have kids with.) The healthier the parents the healthier the kids and the better the survival rate. They claim we are hard-wired for beauty.

I agree, with a "but" thrown in.

Yes, good genes, good nutrition, and good health care support better looks and a healthier individual. Yes, I see where the eye and brain are initially drawn toward what is seen as useful for species survival.

Grand Odalisque

BUT, you are more than your hard-wiring. I think because you are human you don't just act on instinct. You can chose if you let this programming rule you. In other words, you can appreciate beauty and know it can mean healthy (but not in passing-out runway models) and you can look for and appreciate more about the person beyond merely their looks. To me this is true "holistic" or "whole-person" response.

The issue reminds me of the old nature versus nurture debate. One side claimed we are only influenced by our genes and the other side said it all boils down to our environment and how we are raised/trained. Turns out both matter and neither has a monopoly. In today's debate over beauty one side says beauty is the driving hard-wired factor in everything while the other insists you can be uglier than Quasimodo and that's okay.

I say both matter.

What does this mean for your relationship?

Love and Beauty

It means it is important to take care of yourself and your looks because your spouse will unconsciously appreciate it due to hard-wiring.
It also means on those days when you or your spouse aren't presenting the best, you both can look beyond to see the lovable insides.
It means good hygiene and self care mean more chance of a little hanky-panky, but you have to include care of the relationship.
It means how you act and treat your partner are just as important as how you look.
It means you are a whole person in a relationship so address the whole package (body, mind, feelings, spirit, and socializing) to have the best relationship.

And don't fall into the all-or-nothing camps arguing about beauty and size. Therein lies madness (or disordered eating, exercise addictions, shopping issues, poor self esteem, and a whole host of other issues.)

What do you think about beauty?

Leave a comment using the comment button below.

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Holiday Hint: Holler "Help!"

2010-11-05T08:55:00.071-04:00

Today's post is gift number two for developing the "real joy" of the Holidays. Don't forget the anagram REAL JOY is what we are using to understand the skills. Last week you made a "List" of the important events and traditions. This week we are looking at "E"- the next step.

E is enlist the aide of others. Rather than doing everything yourself, make preparations a group goal. When you created your list last week you had the whole family involved. This week it is time for each person to take on assignments.

This may be very hard for you if you are used to taking on all the responsibilities. It requires you ask for help and expect others to do part of the work.

You also have to let go of being controlling. When the job belongs to someone else, you can't tell them how to do it. It means you have to treat them as capable to complete the job they take on.

Making the list with your whole family gives you a leg up on splitting responsibilities. As you discussed what is important to each family member, you learned who is invested in certain traditions. They can be in charge of those things.

If the kids love the pretty table settings, then they can set the table.
If your spouse likes the decorated mantle, then they can decorate the mantle.
If you love getting and sending Holiday cards, then you can do that.
Whatever part of the feast someone likes and requests, they can be in charge of that food. If Aunt Irma really loves the cranberry dressing, give her the recipe and ask her to bring it.
Actually, have everyone bring a dish for dinner if you are hosting. Provide the main dishes and the rest are brought by others.
Ask family members to address envelopes, shop for groceries, or decorate the house.
If you are having a huge party you might hire help. Bring in cleaners or caterers for larger events.

You may also find when you made your important traditions lists that doing some things together is a priority. Decorating the tree together was always special in my family. We still do it every year, and no one is left doing it all alone. Some of your traditions may be a group task building togetherness.

Your courageous work this week is to ask for help with the list you made. Holler for help if you need to. Don't take it all on yourself and let others be involved so they can share in the success of it all getting done. Success helps with real joy as does doing things together.

Click the comment button below and tell us your experiences

with asking for help at the Holidays!

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Novel writing, headaches, and perseverance.

2010-11-01T19:37:00.000-04:00

Yep, I did it again; I signed up for National Novel Writing Month. For those who are unfamiliar with the insanity known as Nanowrimo, in the month of November you challenge yourself to write 50,000 words of a novel.

It's not about completeness- few novels are that short. It's not about perfection- if you stop to edit everything you'll never get to 50,000 words. It's not about pretty - there will be lots of crying, denying, and lying during this whole month.

It is about writing 50,000 new words (novel words.) It is about setting your mind on a goal and pushing yourself toward it come Hades or the flood. It is about perseverance that will hopefully rub off and keep your rolling through the next months of completing the project and then the long days of editing.

What does it have to do with relationships? Well, I could be blunt and share when I'm pushing to write that much I'm not very relational. :) Or that people who haven't showered for days due to frenzied writing are not going to have their relationships very long. Or that when you write a novel about your friends and don't change the names to protect the innocent it isn't very relational.

Really, it is about the perseverance. Relationships take perseverance. They aren't about completeness because they are always changing (you are always changing!) They aren't about perfection - there is no such thing, especially in a relationship. And they aren't always pretty - there is crying, denying, and lying galore.

However, if you persevere, if you do the skills even when they seem like they aren't working, if you keep yourself on the healthy side of the line - you can come out with something really beautiful. Even if it is a work in progress.

Your courageous work is to persevere. Keep using the skills, keep being/acting/thinking healthy even if you aren't doing it perfectly. Challenge yourself to do something differently and better. Push yourself to achieve and realize you'll always be editing. That's okay.

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Holiday Hint: Make a list (and save your relationship!)

2010-10-29T04:14:00.010-04:00

It is 5 more weeks until Thanksgiving, 6 weeks until Hannukkah, 9 more weeks until Christmas. Are you ready? Are you stressed yet? Probably not the first and allot of the second. I want you to be the first and not the second.

In the spirit of the Holidays, I'm going to give you all a gift. Each week I'll share a hint to help make the Holidays more joyful and less stressful. My wish for you is these hints will help you de-stress and thereby keep your relationship happier too.

To make it easier to remember, I have made an acronym: REAL JOY. Each week I'll explain a different letter.

I'm going to go out of order and talk about "L" first. L is listing priorities.

Look at past holidays and make a list of the things you most enjoyed and remember. Have all of your family members do the same, even the kids. Compare and collate your lists. Listen to everyone's lists. You may learn you were doing something "for the kids" that they really weren't interested in. You are looking for the parts of the Holidays that were most important to you all.

Center your holiday only on traditions you all find important. Eliminate things you did not enjoy or which were not important. In other words, simplify!

From this set of important traditions, make an early to do list and set aside time to do things. You can make all the lists you want, but if you don't set time aside to complete things, you'll still be stressed.

Lastly, prepare to let some things remain undone. There is a good chance you won't get to everything on the list, and that's okay.

Paradoxically the best time to make a list is right after the Holidays! This year, after the Holidays, set aside some time to make notes on what worked, what didn't, what to do differently, and what to eliminate. Keep your focus on the things you find important, memorable, and enjoyable. Review your notes next year when you are putting together your to do list.

So, your courageous work is to really focus your Holidays this year by identifying and listing priorities to make the Holidays enjoyable, memorable, and special to you. And keep your eyes here for more Holiday Hints.

Click the comment button below and tell your thoughts!

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Resentment Ruins Relationships

2010-10-26T16:33:00.010-04:00

The other day I was talking to someone who went through a divorce. He asked me, "Have you seen people in your practice who just don't have the energy to make the relationship work anymore?"

I replied, "I see couples who have moved past resentment into resignation, and that is sad. It is a terrible place to be."

When you resent your partner, you push yourself further away from them. You blame them and their behaviors for what you are feeling and where you are.

Unfortunately, resentment over time becomes contempt and resignation. Rather than exploding, the relationship is corroding away until there is no core left to stand on. That is where that lack of energy comes from- no core to pull from.

Here's the rub, your resentment is your own fault.

What do I mean? Well, the things you resent are things you allowed to go on, things you put up with, things you indirectly let happen. All those negative behaviors you point to in your spouse are behaviors you needed to stand up to and say, "I'm not taking this."

Underneath it all you resent yourself too.

So you are responsible for that corrosion you resent your spouse for. You ultimately let it move to resignation.

Your courageous work? Stand up and stop resenting. Instead of being angry and pointing the finger at your spouse, speak up and request something different. Be hopeful instead of resigned. Share what it is you want and need. Educate your spouse and yourself on the healthy ways to treat each other. Stop rusting away and start shining like new chrome.

Click the comment button below and tell your thoughts!

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Imagination matches reality in your relationship

2010-10-23T11:55:00.001-04:00

In the last post I wrote about how your thinking is important. I looked at how thinking positively or negatively creates that type of world for yourself. Today let us take that a step further and discuss your mental images- they are truly powerful.

A few years back there was a simple study performed that illustrates the point of today's post. It involved basketball and three groups of college students (those poor kids, they are always the guinea pigs!) The researchers had all the students attempt free throws and recorded how many they made. Then they assigned them randomly to one of 3 groups:

For the next month don't do anything differently. If you can, forget this study until you come back.
For the next month practice throwing free throws for a set amount of time each day.
For the next month fully imagine yourself throwing the perfect free throw for the same time daily.

The first group barely improved (I think some practiced on the sly due to embarrassment.) Unsurprisingly, the second group improved- by 24%. What is amazing is the third group improved 23%! Statistically they improved as much as the people who actually picked up balls and took shots. Just by imagining it.

What the study shows is your mind doesn't know the difference between what you imagine and what you are actually doing. Imagination is as real as reality. Isn't that weirdly powerful?

What does this have to do with your life? (other than taking free shots.) You need to understand the images you fill your mind with are your reality. Let me give you some examples;

Worry is just a form of visualizing. The more you worry about negative things, the more you create them in your life. For example, if you worry about failing, you are mentally practicing failure rather than success.
Ruminating on regret is mentally practicing something that went wrong. Again, you are teaching yourself to live in the negative.
When you want to speak with your partner about something, you can practice it happening positively through visualization.
If you want to improve your relationships you can visualize it improved and your what your actions are in that improvement.
Think of the success you can create in your marital connection by using both visualization and practical skills (like those in this blog.)

How does visualization work? You imagine yourself (from your point of view, not from outside) doing the thing you are visualizing perfectly. Use all of your senses- what things sound like, look like, feel like, and what you are feeling in your body while doing it. Get as specific and detailed as you can and stay positive. Do visualize it as success, not failure or a negative reaction. In the study they had the visualizers imagine the ball going through the hoop, not bouncing out.

So your courageous work is to stop visualizing the negative. Worry and regret, are the two banes of positive visualization, and they ruin relationships. Begin using this powerful tool of visualization to improve your relationship. Tie your mind and imagination together with the healthy tools you are using and you can build a truly wonderful relationship. A slam dunk!

Click the comment button below and tell your thoughts!

Don't forget to check out ways to make life easier here.

Your Marriage IS as Bad as You Think!

2010-10-20T21:06:00.000-04:00

Yep, your marriage is that bad. However bad you think it is - it is. That's pretty awful news isn't it?

But wait, your marriage is also as good as you think. Those wonderful things you imagine and think, they are real.

No, I'm not nuts (or at least not about this.) You see, what and how you think create your relationship. Don't believe me? Let me introduce you to Emile Coue.

Emile was a French psychologist in the early 1900s. He maintained curing some of our troubles requires a change in our unconscious thought, which can only be achieved by using our imagination. He had his patients say "Tous les jours à tous points de vue je vais de mieux en mieux" to themselves every day. (Translation: "Every day, in every way, I'm getting better and better.") He found his patients would get better quicker than those who didn't use the mantra (even from medical problems.) Coué thus developed a method which says an idea exclusively occupying the mind turns into reality (although only if the idea is within the realms of possibility - we can't bring someone back from the dead.)

In other words, what you think and say to yourself creates your reality.

So, if you are thinking:
"My marriage sucks"
"My relationship will never get better"
"I can never love my spouse again" - you are right.

Conversely, if you think:
"There are good things about my marriage"
"There are things I can do to improve my marriage"
"I can rebuild feelings like love" - that is true.

For the method to work, you must refrain from making a judgment; you must not let your will impose its own views on positive ideas. Meaning, you can't say a positive and think "That'll never happen." You undermine the power of your thoughts.

Coue isn't the only one who believed in the power of thought:

"Everything you can IMAGINE is real." -Pablo Picasso
"Man is what he believes." -Anton Chekhov
"In the province of the mind, what one believes to be true either is true or becomes true." -John Lilly
"They can conquer who believe they can." -Virgil

Your courageous work is to spend a little time every day thinking positively about your relationship without being negative about it (or the thought.) I say "John and I love each other deeply" each morning and night while I brush my teeth, and you know what, it's true!

Click the comment button below and tell your thoughts!

Don't forget to check out ways to make life easier here.

Be the change- guest post

2010-10-18T10:51:00.000-04:00

Corinne Zupko of Inner Balance Life Coaching has been kind enough to let me use a post of hers. I love this post and it has tons to do with relationships. Enjoy!
-Kim

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"Be the change you want to see in the world."

- Mahatma Gandhi

This is one of my all time favorites quotations. It brings us back to the idea that in order to make any change in the world, we have to come back to ourselves, because change starts from within.

Do you want to see more peace in the world?
Do you want more peace in your life?
Do you want more peace in your relationships?

If so, then it is imperative that you find willingness to look at what is going on in your heart and mind. This requires tremendous honesty with oneself.

Each one of us has the capacity to come from a place of love, or from a place of attack. The attack can be the slightest passive aggressive insult, or an all out explosive fight. The difference in form or intensity doesn't matter - the impulse to attack comes from the same place in both situations.

When you feel the impulse arise to attack, whether it is a subtle or a loud attack, see if you can first notice that impulse. Then ask yourself, "Am I willing to see this situation differently?" If you are willing, continue to observe this impulse and keep asking for a new way to see the situation. This can lead to a "miracle" - defined as a shift in perception, according to A Course in Miracles. The shift might not come immediately, but you've made room for it to occur.

Coaching Questions:

Where in your life do you want more peace?
What would it look like if you had more peace? How would it feel? How might it look on your face?
How willing are you to experiment with seeing things in a new way?
When you're in the heat of the moment, how might you remind yourself to tap into the willingness to see it differently? How might you remind yourself to do this once you're out of a difficult situation?

Click the comment button below and tell your thoughts!

Don't forget to check out ways to make life easier here.

Corinne and I both contributed to the giveaway; you can link to her there.

Your relationship isn't supposed to be a highlight reel!

2010-10-13T10:05:00.001-04:00

If you ask me what my favorite sport to watch on television is I'd say "the highlight reels." I really don't want to sit through a whole baseball game to see the 4 really great catches and 2 home runs- it leaves me cold. Same with golf, tennis, football, and most sports except F1, superbike racing and hockey.

I can do that with sports, but you can't do that with your relationship. You can't say "I only want to be around in the exciting parts or interesting parts." You can't say, "I think I'll go make some nachos and wait until I hear the crowd cheer so I can watch the replay."

Relationships are about being around all the time - even in the boring times, the times where nothing is going on whatsoever, or the times when your team is losing and you feel like crap. Those are parts of a relationship, too. There is a reason the traditional wedding vows say "In good times and in bad."

Believe it or not, the boring, unexciting and difficult times can connect you to your relationship. Think about how the crowd gets behind a team when it's not doing well, or cheers when they are trying. You can connect even in the times when you are bored out of your gourd, you just have to get behind your relationship.

Your courageous work is to pay attention to your relationship at all times- not just the exciting ones. Be mindful and appreciative. Be involved even in the boring moments and use them to become more connected and relational.

Click the comment button below and tell your thoughts!

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Learning from Actors and Actresses - how to have a relationship.

2010-10-11T08:37:00.007-04:00

Yes, she kissed Monk!

A few weeks ago I heard an interview with the woman who plays mother in "Everybody Loves Raymond", Doris Roberts. I found it interesting and wanted to share her insights and my ideas about it with you.

She was talking about doing a stage play with one of her husband's best friends (the guy from Monk). They were playing a couple who was dating and in the play was a scene where they kissed and made out. They did this night after night, and she said it was not a problem because they both were professional actors. One night there was this weird chemical pop during the kiss. They passed each other behind the scenes later and both laughed about how weird it was and did nothing more.

Ms. Roberts made the point that if you are pretending night after night that you are in love with someone; it is easy to fall into the expectation you are in love. This is what she believes leads to much of the relationship trouble and divorce in Hollywood.

I believe it is what leads to many affairs, the fantasy and frequent imagining of the wonders of love with this other person. If you spend your time thinking about, fantisizing about, and doing romantic things with someone who isn't your spouse, you create those intimate feelings.

In reverse, the practice of not being loving toward your spouse is what kills marriage.

The second thing Ms. Roberts pointed out is a roadmap on how you can build your relationship. She said if you emphasize loving feelings and do romantic things regularly in your marriage you can build that chemical spark in your relationship.

Let me say that again, you can build it, it doesn't have to be totally gone if you don't feel it right now. Like the bionic man "we can rebuild him, we have the technology" you can rebuild it, you have the choice.

So, your courageous work is to take a lesson from "Marie" and "Monk"; create a spark in your relationship. Be loving, act lovingly, speak caringly, do romantic things, kiss, hug, snuggle, and be intimate. Like with the actors it may not happen the first time, it may take some time to build up enough energy, but you can create a spark if you keep at it.

Click the comment button below and tell your thoughts!

Don't forget to check out ways to make life easier here.

Why do you stay? Is it really a good reason?

2010-10-08T09:08:00.038-04:00

At times I have seen relationships where I wonder why one person stays there. Abusive, neglectful, or just plain uninteresting, these relationships don't seem to have any redeeming qualities. It is a puzzle why they stay together.

Then I take another look. I step back and remind myself that in a relationship both partners are about the same level of health with each other. In other words, you cannot point at your spouse and say he/she is really sick and abusive, because your staying indicates you are just as unhealthy in some way.

Not to put too fine a point on it, but if you are really healthy you don't put up with unhealthy behaviors for long. In addition, an unhealthy person isn't comfortable around health because it highlights their issues. One of you quickly gets out if there is a big discrepancy in your level of health.

So, if you are in an unhealthy relationship, and you want to blame your partner, stop, step back and take an inventory. Ask yourself why you are staying and putting up with the things you aren't happy with. What keeps you in a place that is so bad?

Here are half a dozen reasons for staying in a bad relationship I have heard in my office:

The kids: I discussed this excuse here, and the short of it is- by staying in an unhealthy or dead relationship you teach your kids how to have an unhealthy or dead relationship. You aren't doing them any good.
He/She falls apart when you try to leave: Well, that is just emotional blackmail and as ugly are financial blackmail. Besides, if they are an adult, then they have responsibility for themselves. By staying and "keeping them happy" you are treating them like a child and not letting them grow up.
You feel like you're abandoning him/her: First that's not a feeling, it is a thought you make up. Second, what is it in your history that makes leaving equal abandonment? When you take a child to college, are you abandoning or helping them in the next step of their development? Sometimes leaving is the best thing you can do to help both of you become healthy. You would be neglectful if you stayed and kept both of you sick.
He/she threatens they'll suicide if you leave: Emotional blackmail! (see #2) If anyone says anything about committing suicide take them to the emergency room immediately for assessment. Don't fool around with it and don't take responsibility for someone else's life.
You've put so much time into the relationship: In investments, if you lose $50K on an investment, do you throw more money into it? Just staying because you've been there isn't going to make it better.
You are afraid of being alone: Whether this fear is about survival (having enough money to live) or about not wanting to be alone- it is unfounded. For the first reason there are many programs out there to help you survive. If it is truly about being alone, you need to determine what being alone means to you and challenge your thought distortions. We are all alone at one time or another; it isn't life shattering. Besides, if you are in a terrible relationship, aren't you already alone?

I'm not saying leaving is always the answer, but there are times when it is the next step in getting healthier for both of you.

Comments appreciated and replied to!

One last note: it is important to leave if you are in an abusive relationship. If you are abused, threatened, scared. I want you to know you do have options; there is support out there for you. I'm not saying it will be easy; it won't, but it'll be safer for you in the long run. And if children are involved, do you really have a choice? Your first responsibility is to protect them and get them out of danger. If you let children see abuse, then you are letting them be abused.

The National Domestic Violence Hotline can help: online at http://www.ndvh.org/
or call them at 1.800.799.SAFE (7233) 1.800.787.3224 (TTY)

Having Holdover Habits Harries Homestead

2010-10-06T14:09:00.001-04:00

thanks for the alliteration @mildlyamused

Warning: I warn you in advance, this is going to sound like I'm blaming your family and parents for all your problems. I'm not, this post is meant to help you think about what you have brought with you into your relationship.
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There is an old adage in couples' counseling that when two people finally get into bed together there are actually six people in that bed. The couple and both of their parents.

Ewwww!

Anyway, it is true- when you form a relationship, you do bring your parents into it, no matter if they are dead and gone. You bring what you learned from them, even the things you don't realize or notice.

Let me tell you a story heard from another therapist:

"One Easter I was preparing the ham for cooking while my daughter watched. As I cut the ends off the ham prior to putting it into the over-sized pot, she asked, 'Why did you cut those pieces off.' I stopped, thought for a moment and honestly replied, 'I don't know; it's what my Mom did, but she's here let's go ask.' My daughter hopped off the stool and we went to find her grandmother. When the question was posed to her, she replied the same as I had, 'I dont' know; it's what my mother did.' Great Gran was holding court in the parlor, so the three of us went there to ask her. 'Gran, why do you cut the ends off the ham before cooking.' She looked up at us and said pragmatically, 'I never had a pot big enough for the whole ham.' My mother and I laughed; we'd always had big enough pots, but still cut the ends off without thinking of the reason why. I never cut the ends off the ham after that."

There are times when you hold onto things you have seen while growing up, and you believe those things are "healthy." Because you have seen them as a child, they are normal to you and you don't see any problem. You are surprised if anyone even mentions them or even confronts you about those behaviors.

People who come from loud screaming households wonder why their partner keeps complaining they yell. (I have a friend whose older parents were mostly deaf, he talks really loud!)
Someone from a place where physical violence was commonplace may think it is okay to restrain a person or shove them.
A person who grew up in a critical and demanding household may demand perfection from their spouse and be disappointed when their partner is human.
People who come from families who curse and put each other down can't understand when their partner tells them it hurts. They think their partner needs to "get a thicker skin" because "my family did that and I turned out okay."

But you didn't turn out okay. You have brought with you household habits that are now tearing your adult relationship apart. Even small things can cause problems: word choices, ways you respond to requests, phrases you use, nonverbal expressions, how you solve arguments.

There is hope, though. I always say your past influences you, but it doesn't have to determine you. You have a choice in what you continue to do.

Your courageous work is to look at the things you do and take a close look at your family's style. Choose what you want to take with you into your new relationship. Listen to your partner's feedback, that will give you a good idea of things you might be automatically assuming are normal. If you think there are many things you need to address, seek professional help to sort it out.

You decide what type of life and relationship you are going to have now as an adult. Stop cutting the ends off that ham.

Click the comment button below and tell your thoughts!

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another awesome alliteration post!

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The First Step in Acceptance

Life is filled with AFGOs

Accused of Cheating and You're Not?

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Occupy your Relationship: avoid the mistakes of OWS

The importance of girls.

In an affair? Can't blame your spouse!

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The Model for Healthy Parenting

Are You an Offensive Victim?

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My husband rocks!

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Buttons and triggers from your past.

How do you eat an Elephant?

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Checklist for a Healthy Relationship

Getting Married? Top 10 things you need to discuss!

In an affair? Does your lover really love you?

Thinking of Tying the Knot? Top 5 things you need to ask yourself!

In an affair? Don't kid yourself; your spouse knows.

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Commit to your Counseling or Fail. Both of you.

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Don't just do something; stand there! The relationship paradox.

Reconciling after an affair- three mistakes the cheater makes

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Fixing your marriage is like losing weight.

Be a relationship scientist.

Say Something! Don't just stand there.

Being supportive in your marriage - bridging the gap.

Are your ears broke or is my mouth not working?

What to do when your spouse doesn't want to change

One up is just as bad as One down- healthy self esteem and relationships

Ten Ways to Get the Most Out of Couples' Therapy

Liar, Liar, Pants on Fire - little or big lies in your relationship

How you begin makes sharing happen...

Giving what you can - an important part of communicating.

Don't listen to the gurus!

Promise keeping and taking action

Perfectionism is the relationship killer... and a Holiday killer too.

Do you think you need someone to have an abundant life?

Anger and patience: escape a hundred days of sorrow.

Holiday Hint: Just enough and only just enough.

Your Personal Empowerment is Killing Your Relationships

Holiday Hint: Yourself, yes, you!

Animal treatment- how do we stack up? Pretty poorly, actually.

Holiday Hint: Open to Optimistic Opportunities

Holiday Hint: Enjoy Every Emotion

Holiday Hint: Really? Be Real!

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Holiday Hint: Holler "Help!"

Novel writing, headaches, and perseverance.

Holiday Hint: Make a list (and save your relationship!)

Resentment Ruins Relationships

Imagination matches reality in your relationship

Your Marriage *IS* as Bad as You Think!

Be the change- guest post

Your relationship isn't supposed to be a highlight reel!

Learning from Actors and Actresses - how to have a relationship.

Why do you stay? Is it really a good reason?

Having Holdover Habits Harries Homestead

Your Marriage IS as Bad as You Think!