Couples' Counseling Fails

Have you ever noticed the divorce rate isn't falling despite the availability of marriage and couples' counseling?  In fact, many researchers say marriage therapy has the lowest success rate of all types of therapy.

Why?  Here are a few possible reasons:

• Couples wait way too long to seek out professional help.  In a recent study only about a third of couples who were seeking divorce had sought counseling of any type for their relationship.  Less than 20 percent of married couples sought any type of relationship therapy; in fact, those that did suffered through six years of relationship problems to do so.  What would you say the success rate of cancer treatment would be if people waited six years to get a growing tumor looked at?
• One or both of the couple have untreated mental health issues.  Often depression, anxiety, addictions, or other mental health concerns are hidden by the relationship upheaval.  The couple focuses on the relationship problems, hides or minimize mental health symptoms in therapy, and they are not treated leading to eventual failure of the marriage counseling.
• Success is defined too narrowly.  Success in relationship counseling is really about helping people relate in a healthy way.  This may not happen with their spouse, but if they learn it is a success.  Some couples bring an irretrievably broken relationship to the counselor to "fix," and success is really about helping them separate in a healthy way. 
• Both partners are not interested in rescuing the relationship.  Unless both spouses are willing to work, marriage counselors can't force moves forward.  Additionally, if one or both partners uses  sessions to continue unhealthy behaviors like blaming, shaming, or attacking, then no amount of therapy will help.  In that case, they aren't there to rescue, they are there to make a case.
• A couple doesn't stay in therapy long enough or doesn't take the work seriously.  If a couple comes for a few sessions seeking a magic bullet, then they will be disappointed.  Additionally, if they only talk about things in session and don't do the "homework" nothing will stick for any length of time.

These all make sense, and I have another reason to share which I believe trumps all the above: 
 

Couples' counseling fails because it is viewed as "couples' counseling."

What do I mean?  The couple comes in thinking they are there to work on the "relationship" - as if it were a separate entity.  Or even worse, they come in focused on fixing each other in order to fix the relationship.  Both are failing attitudes, but so common.


Successful couples come into my office ready to work on themselves in order to ultimately impact the relationship in a healthy way.  They don't focus on what the other is doing and what the other needs to change or how the relationship needs to change.  The successful partners each take on their own work and relate it to the couple as they do it.  They are aware truly prizewinning relationship work starts with the individual.

Your courageous work is to rethink your relationship problems as your own problem.  What can you do to improve it?  What are you doing that is unhealthy?  What do you need to do to get yourself healthy so you can be good in a relationship?  Work on yourself first.  Tell me in the comments what you think the first thing you need to work on is!

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