Occupy your Relationship: avoid the mistakes of OWS

News outlets and social media have been abuzz with the "occupy" movements around the country.  I'd like to start a new and meaningful one OYR- Occupy Your Relationship.

Looking at the "other" movements there is one big thing you can take away to improve your relationship, and a few things you want to avoid.

The monumental power of any protest is to be there, and my movement is no different.  OYR is about showing up and being there, consistently.  It isn't about complaining to your friends, family, the guy on the bus; it is about getting close and having your message heard. 

Unlike the other occupy demonstrators, though, OYRers need to have their message clear and clean.  I want the OYR to show up at their own homes with what they need and what they are willing to do to help those things happen.  Avoid pointing fingers and take responsibility for your relationship.  Avoid vague uncertain messages of "I don't like it as it is now" and make requests you are willing to help with.

However, you can't express your clear requests unless you are there.  You can't talk about what you and your spouse are going to do unless you show up.

So, your courageous work is to start by showing up, then speaking up and then owning up to what you'll do.  Take back your relationship by Occupying it and living in it!

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The importance of girls.

Take a few moments to watch the above video.  It is a message of hope, a sign of strength and the heart of courage.  Many of us can't imagine what it must have taken to stand up to her family and culture the way this girl did.

It is amazing, but even more it is important.

Most of you probably don't realize that cultures with less women than men are more likely to be violent and go to war.  You probably know on an intellectual level that women and girls are marginalized in many (too many) places around the world.  What you don't understand are the real stories behind that pat word "marginalized."  They are:

• The 14 year old girl who has a very simple complication in childbirth (one that American doctors fix as as a matter of course) and she dies trying to walk to a clinic days away from her village.
• The girl who watches her brother go to school and earn a good living while she is all but sold to a husband at 13 or 14 years old.
• The young woman who isn't allowed to own property or handle money who watches her husband gamble and drink away the money to feed their children. She must choose which child to feed with what little she has.

There are good stories, too.

• The girl who is allowed to finish school and is able to support her family with an income.
• The young woman who is given a micro-loan, starts a business, and invests most of her profits into the business and her family.
• The young woman with a small job reinvesting in her children's future by sending all of them to school, boys and girls.

How do you turn the bad into the good?  Show up.  Spend a little time to discover what is working and send some donations.  I'll bet you spend more time planning your vacation than you think about where you are donating money (and it doesn't take much money; very little, in fact.)  Go to girleffect.com and read the media kit to get some links to organizations that are really helping.  Read Half the Sky: turning oppression into opportunity to get other ideas.

Don't turn away- do something.  Talk about it.  Think about it.  Get involved.  I did; I blogged today.  If you have a blog, post about it this week and get the word out.  Change the world, or at least change it for one girl at a time.

In an affair? Can't blame your spouse!

It is an occupational hazard of my job that I come into contact with unhealthy marriages daily.  One big issue that keeps coming to my professional door is affairs.  Either individuals/couples who are struggling after the big reveal, or individuals/couples who are struggling because it hasn't been revealed.

A common theme that crops up is "responsibility" for the affair.  I have had people blame themselves for their partner straying and I have had cheaters blame their unhappy marriage or spouse for the affair.

Let me be clear, no spouse is to blame for the other person cheating.

I'll say it again, your spouse did not force you to go out and find a lover; you made that choice on your own.  No matter how bad your marriage was, or how unloving your spouse was, you took the actions of being inappropriate and having an affair.

That may be hard to hear, but it is true.

I'll give you an example.  When I worked in an addictions program clients would sometimes say, "I drink because of my wife."  I'd look them straight in the eye and respond, "Oh, she sits on your chest and forces the alcohol right down your throat, does she?"  You see, they were choosing to drink or drug because of what was going on at home or work or with the kids or with the spouse- the same way a cheater acts out.

No marriage is perfect, and some are downright ugly, but that doesn't give the okay for cheating.  What it does give is the choice to do something healthy yourself or do something unhealthy.  Your spouse isn't forcing you to do anything, you always have a choice.

As the hurt partner it is important for you to realize that your spouse made a choice.  You are not responsible for how they reacted to what is going on.  They could have made a very different choice.

Keep in mind there are many people who are unhappy in their marriages or lives, but they do something different.  Some choose unhealthy outlets like raging, cheating, drinking, shutting down, gambling, shopping, over-working, etc.  Other choose to be healthy and talk about things, find ways to work on it, ask for what they want and need, see a counselor, etc.

Your courageous work if you are the hurt partner is to realize that although things may not have been great in the marriage, your partner's unhealthy way of responding is not your responsibility.  Don't take on ugliness and unhappiness that isn't yours.  If you are the one who is or has cheated, it is time to stop justifying it by pointing anywhere other than at yourself.  Realize and accept responsibility for your choices.

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