Really? Do you really think it's okay?

The other day I received a call from a former client.  The couple had come to be after infidelity and did a ton of work to heal the pain and rift.  Now I get a call from the hurt partner saying the cheater was in contact with the lover again via email.

Unfortunately I wasn't surprised; I see it all too often.

As I wrote in this post, in order to heal your relationship after infidelity you have to cut all ties to your lover.  You have to stay away and have no contact, ever.  You can't do the following with your ex-lover:

• text
• email
• call
• talk in person
• send a letter
• friend on Facebook (or friend their family and friends)
• link to them on LinkedIn
• LBJF- or "lets just be friends"
• help him/her move, paint their house, shop for furniture
• talk to them about their new relationship, work, family, or kids
• offer to pick up their mother at the airport
• pick them up and take them home after they have been drinking
• have any contact at all.

You may laugh at the examples above, but they are just a few reported in my office!  Somehow, because the interactions are somehow "less personal" than the affair had been, the cheater justifies them.  Because it wasn't sexual, in the cheater's mind it is okay.  I hear, "I was only talking to her", "It was just a few emails," "But I liked his sister and wanted to keep in touch."

No, no, no.  There is no "only" or "just"; your actions are hurtful to your partner and your relationship.  The bottom line is no contact, at all, period.  And "impersonal" email/text isn't (listen to an interview I did on this topic.)

Remember, if your partner would be unhappy to hear about it or see it, then you shouldn't be doing it.  If you feel the need to hide your actions, you should be seeing a red flag.  You are choosing to hurt your relationship- no ifs, ands or buts.  Reconciling with your partner means letting go of and moving away from your lover.

And if your ex-lover contacts you, tell your partner immediately, and firmly let your ex-lover know you don't want contact.  Why?  Because if your partner finds out on their own that you had contact, it will cause more and bigger problems around trust and connection.

Your courageous work is to not minimize or compartmentalize your actions.  Stay away from your ex-lover if your intent is to reconcile with your partner.  Focus all your connection toward your partner and be honest with them.  Only then can you and your relationship be healed.

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What is the real meaning of responsibility?

I recently read The Healing Code by Alexander Loyd, PhD, and in order to get a part of the information promised by the book I had to register on the website.  I found it a little irritating to have to register to get information that was supposed to be part of the book, but that's not what this post is about.

Image from Larry Hehn

What I did get with my registration is the first newsletter written for people who are reading the book.  In the newsletter Dr. Loyd discusses the word "responsibility."  He says people misunderstand what is involved in responsibility.

Curiosity piqued, I went to dictionary.com to test his argument.  The first definition of "responsibility" is "the state or fact of being responsible."  Well, my teachers never accepted a definition that had the word in it, so I dug further by looking up "responsible."  It is defined as "answerable or accountable, as for something within one's power, control, or management."  Now we are getting somewhere! 

I agree with Dr. Loyd; people do misunderstand the definition of responsibility - especially in their relationships.  

• Do you take responsibility to mean being accountable for things that happen, even things that are out of your control?  
• Do you make yourself responsible for others?  For your partner?  Even though they are not "within one's power, control, or management"?

The Latin root of  responsibility is "response" or "to answer or reply, as in words or some action."  When you take "responsibility" you only are accountable for your reaction to things, not for the things that are happening.  Responsibility is about your response - your words and your actions, not your partner's.

You may get tripped up because you think how your partner acts or speaks is your responsibility.  You get embarrassed and mad because you are taking on this accountability that isn't yours.  You then react poorly due to these feelings, screaming, acting controlling, or shutting down.  You are actually only responsible for your poor reactions, nothing else.

What helps you only take responsibility where it is warranted?  Proper boundaries, good self esteem, and healthy communication skills. 

Your courageous work is to take on responsibility only for things (including people) that are yours.  Be responsible only for your actions and words.  Respond in a healthy manner, don't control.

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