Are You an Offensive Victim?

Yes, you read that correctly, an offensive victim.

What do I mean?  What am I really asking you?  Do you say to yourself things like:

• "Because she yelled at me I can yell back."
• "Because he didn't give me what I wanted I can do what I want even if it hurts the relationship."
• "They deserve this because of what they did to me." 
• "Because my spouse didn't love me like I wanted I can seek love elsewhere."
• "He/she did it first!"
• "Because my partner hurt me I can hurt my partner back."
• "Because that person insulted me I can insult them in return."
• "I'll show them."
• "Because someone did ________ to me I have the right to _____________."

In other words, you make up you are somehow victimized and because of that you imagine it is okay to act in an offensive manner.  Are you offending from a victim position? 

Didn't someone ever tell you two wrongs don't make a right?

Acting offensively is never relational, even if you imagine you've been a victim.  Acting disrespectfully is never right.  Being self justified by saying "they did it first," or "they deserve it because of what they did" is wrong and won't heal any relationship.  In fact, it only hurts you. 

Retaliation is not relationship; it is a twisted attempt at communication.  It says, "I'm hurt and so I'm going to hurt you so you know what it feels like."  Needless to say the other person never hears your hurt, only their own.

I have seen this written large and small in my office.  The biggest form often sounds like this: "My spouse didn't do what I wanted or didn't give me what I thought I needed so I found it elsewhere."  Read that to mean an affair.  Yes, having an affair is acting out.  Yes, it is often offending from the position of victim. 

Smaller forms of being offensive in this way include insults, paybacks in little ways like bleaching his favorite shirt, passive aggressive "oops", spending too much money, staying long hours at work, and fights. 

What do you need to do about it? 

First, stop acting as a victim.  You always have a choice, a victim has no choice.  A victim is someone who is controlled by forces beyond their command.  Unless you are in a natural disaster, you aren't a victim.  Even your past and biology doesn't control you.  So stand up and make a choice rather than lash out from the place of victimhood.

Secondly, once you are no longer a victim take responsibility to act in a relational manner.  If you want something ask for it in a way you can be heard, repeatedly if need be.  If you aren't getting it, try a different way of asking and trying to get it from your spouse/partner.  Use healthy skills like those in this blog.  Don't go elsewhere, don't act out, don't retreat back into the victim.  Be responsible.

Your courageous work is to stop being an offensive victim.  Stop putting yourself in a victim role.  Stop acting out.  Start being responsible.  Do the right and healthy things instead of trying to make two wrongs equal a right.

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Bare feet and Protecting your relationship

As a safety conscious motorcyclist I cringe when I see people riding in less than safe clothing.  During the summer it is not unusual to see people on motorcycles in shorts, bikini tops, tank tops, and flip flops.  The other day I even saw a girl up on the back seat of a sport bike in bare feet.  Yes, I understand leathers are not physically cool and you can't get a tan through them, but skin grafts aren't cool, and it is my understanding scars don't tan well.

There is an old adage about motorcycle riders: there are two kinds, those who have been in an accident, and those who haven't been in one, yet.  I belong to the former and I thank my helmet and leathers whenever I think about it.

What does this have to do with relationships?  Well, I think there are two types of relationships: those who have been tempted to cheat and those who have yet to be tested.

As I have written before, every person in a relationship has the chance for infidelity.  There are temptations everywhere- work, friends, parties, even family.  Sometimes it is your own behavior that opens the door, sometimes it is another person's.  What matters is the precautions you have taken (or not) to safeguard your relationship.

Like wearing a good helmet, jacket, and pants on a motorcycle, the things you do to keep your relationship safe matter most when they are tested.  You want to bet when I hit the pavement at over 55 miles per hour my clothing was tested.  To see the helmet, check this post. 

You are protecting your relationship when you...

• are realistic about your relationship (good and the bad)
• talk to your spouse about your feelings - all of them
• make goals and plan together with your partner
• share your thoughts on multiple subjects
• use healthy relationship skills
• act lovingly toward your spouse
• keep things that belong in the marriage in the marriage
• stop negating and start appreciating
• want what you have 
• think about your relationship

 By doing these things you create a relationship that will stand up much better to the temptations of the world.

Mind you, the shorts and bare feet may feel more comfortable; in other words, not doing these things for your relationship may seem easier.  However, you will show the marks (or your relationship will) when you dump into temptation.  That is why you prepare and protect.  That is why I don't have skin graft sites all over my body, and the guy in the picture above is going to be hurting much less than he could be.

Your courageous work is to build the type of relationship that will stand against temptation.  A relationship that you enjoy and guard.  A relationship that will bring you happiness in a way that makes you keep coming back.  You see, I still love to ride (and still can ride) because I didn't go through unneeded pain.

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