My husband rocks!

Yes, you read it right; he rocks and I want everyone to know.

You see, the reason I've not been on to blog is my computer was infected with a virus just before we left for vacation.  I am basically technologically inept, so I didn't know what to do and feared I'd have to reinstall Windows and everything else; pain in the behind.  My husband donated time, energy, and a few swear words to digging out and eradicating the virus.  Now I have my laptop back and I want to make sure I say, "My husband rocks!"

Why is this important?  Well, it is a relationship lesson: make sure you recognize the good things your partner does.

Recognize it clearly, honestly, and preferably more than once.  I told my husband repeatedly and with feeling how happy I was he had fixed my laptop because I was (and still am.)  I made it a bit silly a few times so he could smile, and I made sure he heard it and took it in.  I helped him understand I was grateful for his time, effort and even the swear words.  I wanted him to understand how important it was to me and how I appreciated it.

Additionally, I'm telling you (as I told his parents when we visited yesterday and my Mom when I called her.)  It is important to talk positively about your partner to others, especially where your partner can hear it.  Why?  Then they know you truly do recognize the good things they do and are.

Both giving the compliments to your partner and showing how you appreciate them to others creates a positive current in your relationship.  It's much better than complaining inside and outside the relationship about the relationship.  Who feels intimate with someone who complains about them?

Besides, actions that are recognized and remarked upon are more likely to happen again.  Would you rather be complaining and have the things you don't like repeated or complimenting and have the things you do like repeated?

Your courageous work is to recognize and acknowledge your partner's good actions and interactions.  Loudly and proudly.  It's important for true intimacy, hope and healing.

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P.S. I think there is a special place in Hades for people who create computer viruses.  Right next to those who push over gravestones and contribute to terrorist activities.

End of the world?

One of my favorite quotes is by Richard Bach; it's good to remember.

"What a caterpillar calls the end of the world, the master calls a butterfly."

It's all how you look at things.

Sometimes you struggle with the things going on in your relationship and feel like everything is coming to an end.  You are afraid what the end will be and panic.  You fight and fight against what "may" be coming.

What can you do?

Breathe and accept what is.  

Live the best you can and you may find the end you fear is really a beginning.

What could the end be?  Stopping fighting.  Discontinuing nagging.  Ceasing trying to change your partner.  Terminating tit for tat expectations.  Halting harping.  Ending your shut downs.

When you stop these things, even if they are familiar, you will find your life and relationship truly flowers.

Who knows, you may find yourself flying.  

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Halt your feelings before you react.

Couples often fail to recognize an important fact; how you feel affects your reactions.

If you are feeling tired, irritated, hurt, or depressed, your reactions are unlikely to be positive.  You come home exhausted from work, and your spouse asks a tough emotional question- you snap, get grumpy, and start a fight.  Or you shut down, shut them out, and "run away."  Either response isn't helpful or likely to connect with your spouse.  Halt yourself.

Both responses could be due to the way you were feeling when you walked into the house- not the actual question your spouse asked.

For example, I used to teach clients in my addictions groups to be aware of HALT.  The letters stand for Hungry, Angry, Lonely, Tired.  Those emotions are triggers for relapse.  They are triggers for poor relationship responses, too.

So here is your courageous work- be aware of your feelings before you react.  Whether are are feeling totally disconnected in your relationship or you are just out of balance from something else, take a moment to register where you are at before you respond to your partner.  If your current mood precludes healthy reactions, then let your partner know that and take a step back.  Ask to talk when you are feeling less of the HALT.

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