Your relationship is like paying the bills.

The other day I was paying bills, something we all do at one time or another.  As part of my monthly bill routine I also balanced my checkbook.  Unsurprisingly what my mother always told me was right; balance it monthly it is simple and balances immediately.  She should know; she manages a bank. 

It made me think of relationships.  No, not keeping a debit or "tit for tat" list, but the importance of "balancing" your connection regularly.

With my checkbook I didn't always listen to my mom and paid the price.  There were times I waited months and even as much as a year to balance my checkbook.  It was a nightmare.  Of course there were little mistakes and problems that were compounded over that time, and I had to deal with them.

I see couples fall into this pattern in their relationship. They let little things slide, don't check in with each other regularly, and time passes quickly.  Then one person brings up something that is bothering them and it blows up into a painful disconnect.  Even though the current issue is resolvable, the history of undiscussed topics weighs them both down and makes them defensive.

You can avoid this painful pattern by balancing your relationship regularly.  Talk about how you are feeling in the relationship, the things you really like (the credits) and the things you'd like to change (think of these as debts.)  Make your requests and negotiate what the relationship will look like with your partner.  Agree on what each of you will do or work on; check in each month on how it is working.  You'll develop real intimacy.
 
Like my mom, I suggest balancing at least monthly; however, like in your checkbook, if something unusual comes up, don't wait to address it.  If you stuff until the monthly talk, you are likely to have more problems (read that as fights.)  Remember, the more you communicate the less "talks" you'll have.

Your courageous work is to start with a basic balance discussion with your spouse.  Where are you now and where would you like to be?  What are the credits to your relationship and what are the debits you need to work on?  Get a sense of where you and your spouse are now then agree to have regular check-ins to keep your relationship balanced.   

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Buttons and triggers from your past.

The other day a friend of mine asked, "After all the work I've done on myself, why can my Dad still push my buttons?"

Without missing a beat I said, "Because he installed them!"

There was a heavy pause on the phone and my friend said with a serious sigh, "Thank you, my session is now complete."  We laughed, but both of us acknowledged the core truth of my response; her dad had installed those buttons, and they are deeply wired.

You have family buttons which affect your relationship with your partner, kids, other people, and your family.

That is not to blame family for everything; I mean to recognize how influential they have been in your life.  You have both positive and negative "buttons" given to you by your families.  Sometimes you can rewire them or reroute them, but other times they sneak up on you.  You may have protected some of your triggers from your spouse or friends, but somehow your family can reach right past your shield and zap you.  You may run into your partner's buttons, and you know they weren't installed by you - even though you end up pushing them.  It can be frustrating (like my friend's exclamation.)
  
Don't despair; it took your young life to install those buttons.  It will take time to uninstall them and create good patterns.  However, every healthy bit of work you do now as an adult makes them smaller and smaller.

Remember, your past influences you, but it doesn't have to determine you.

Your courageous work:

• ... begins by recognizing your triggers and buttons.  
• In your current relationship it is important to acknowledge your spouse isn't the parent who placed a button.  
• Identify what situations trigger you and create plans for how you'll handle them.  
• Practice those plans by visualizing them and using the actions in smaller situations. 
• Learn healthy relationship and self skills.

 Ultimately, as you work on relationship skills and individual health you'll find you are reacting less and less.  You'll have healthy reactions even to your family.  Your buttons will be smaller and harder to hit.  You'll be more in control of the switches you have.  Keep up the work; it is worth it.

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How do you eat an Elephant?

Have you ever given a long emotional and deep explanation of what you are upset about to your partner?  And then had them seem to ignore or miss a large chunk of it?

Have you ever felt your ears shut down while listening to an extended "discussion" (translate "monologue") about the problems your partner sees in the relationship?  No matter how hard you are trying to listen?

In either of these circumstances, did you feel like you and your partner truly connected?

I bet not.

That's because one person didn't keep it short and sweet.  Short means to the point in less than five sentences (and not run on sentences!)  Sweet means in a clean non-attacking way that can be digested (not sicky sweet, just respectful.) 

Unfortunately, when couples get disconnected, one partner may think it is helpful to "talk it all out" at once.  Let me tell you, it isn't healthy nor helpful.  No one can process everything in a big gulp like that.

To illustrate I have a simple question for you - how do you eat an elephant?

You can eat an elephant, but how?  The answer is: one bite at a time.  In other words, you don't try to swallow it whole!

That's how you need to approach your discussions with your partner; take one bite and deal with that bite in a short session.  Make sure it is clearly taken care of and understood (swallowed) before going for the next bite.  Stop overwhelming your partner by making them try to swallow the elephant whole.  Keep your speaking short and sweet.

Your simple courageous work: eat that elephant one bite at a time. 

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Horseshoe crabs, starfish, and your relationship. Make a difference.

This morning while I was walking on the beach with Thor we rescued a few wild animals. There were 5-6 horseshoe crabs trying to get back into the surf, a stranded sea horse, and a starfish- all were thrown back into the waves. It reminded me of a story I once heard.

One day a man went down to the beach and was surprised to see starfish washed up everywhere. There were hundreds of the creatures along the tide line, some still moving and wet. As he marveled at them, the man noticed a young boy a little ways down the beach bending over repeatedly and throwing something into the waves. The man approached and realized the boy was picking up starfish and throwing them back into the ocean. 

"What are you doing, young man?" he asked. "Throwing them back," was the direct reply without hesitation in throwing. "But there are hundreds, you can't help them all, it doesn't make a real difference, and you'll just get tired" the man said, believing he was stating an obvious and important truth. The boy stopped for a moment, looked at the starfish in his hand, and then threw it into the waves. He turned to the man and said, "I made a difference for that one."

The boy knew more truth than the man; often it is the one thing we do, the one action we take, the one choice we make that creates a difference.

Have you ever felt there were too many things to do to fix your relationship problems?  Have you felt overwhelmed by the hundreds of starfish washed upon the shore?  Then pick one to work on.  Help one thing get better.  Make one healthy move right now.  Save one starfish- then the next- then the next... and make a difference in each of those things.  That's your courageous work.

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