The beauty of the Earth and of your relationship

This morning I completed a five and a half mile forested hike as part of my training to hike the Grand Canyon later this year.  As I hiked with my dog Thor a relationship lesson came to me.

The hike was great, the weather warming, the sun bright, and the woods starting to come awake from the long winter.  Buds were opening on branch tips and the skunk cabbage was greening up the wetlands.  But what were most obvious were the sounds!  The birds definitely know it is Spring.  Here's a sample of what I heard:

• Chickadees "deeing" at each other
• Squirrels scolding me from the tree limbs
• Robins kicking aside leaves to find worms
• A chipmunk's descending chirps and squeaks
• The thrum of a woodpecker drumming a tree
• The wind in the feathers of a hawk as it flew close overhead
• A male cardinal exclaiming in song to all who will listen

I was enthralled and happy to hear all the noise and wildness.  A woman came jogging along the path toward me.  She smiled at us as she went by, and I noticed the ear-bud headphones she was wearing.  I hiked a few steps listening to the singing red bird above, and I felt sorry for that woman.  She was missing out on so much.

My question to you is - do you do the same thing in your relationship?

NASA- moon set over Earth

What do I mean?

• Do you let distractions keep you from realizing the full potential of your relationship?  
• Do you let work, the grand kids, friends, family, a hobby, the Internet, or any other thing distract you from really paying attention to your partner?  
• Are you disconnecting by connecting?  
• Do the things you do keep you from noticing things that might be important or just plain fun?  
• Are you using any misery stabilizers to distract from your relationship?  
• Are you truly mindful of yourself, your partner, and your relationship?  
• What are you avoiding?

Distractions keep you from truly participating in your relationship.  They keep you from appreciating what is good and wonderful in your connection to your partner.  What may start as a diversion may lead to a disconnect.  You miss out, so refocus and pay attention again. 

You see, if I had been listening to music I would never have known to look up and see a beautiful red cardinal singing his heart out for a mate.  I would never have known to look to the side of the path to see the chipmunk scurrying away on a log.  I would have missed the red-tailed hawk as it skimmed overhead.  I may have gotten my exercise, but I would not have really lived my hike.

On Earth Day, your courageous work is to pay attention to your relationship and stop letting yourself be distracted.  Spend energy and time on your relationship; truly live in your relationship.  You'll find you enjoy it more as you see the great things about this loving connection.

Lastly, pull out those ear-buds and relate a little to the wonder of the Earth, too.

Click the comment button below and tell us what you think!

(No links in comments, please- they will be deleted.)

Sign up for my exclusive newsletter here

Ms. Manners Murders Marriages

Let me ask you a question: Is there a right way to do each thing?  Or said another way, is there a right way of being in every situation?

If you answered "Yes," or "most of the time" you are off track.

At this point people argue with me and say "Well there is a universally accepted and polite way!"  My reply?  "No, there is the way you believe is the accepted and polite."

Do you understand the difference?  When you say there is a "way" to be you are expressing your accepted way.  Your way comes from your experiences, what you were taught, and what you have decided.  Others may not believe the same thing ... and they aren't wrong.

Why is this important?  Because when you approach an  issue with an attitude of "I know the right way this should be" you communicate in an unhealthy way.  Even if you use "I" while talking, you'll still come across as judgmental.  Examples:

• "I think fathers should act ______ way."  
• "I know a spouse who is connected would _____."
• "The right way to talk to me is __________."
• "I see you as a horrible ________ (parent, spouse, person, etc.)"

You get the picture.  These sorts of statements make you a Barry.  Even worse you come across as a snob; one up!  When you preach "manners" you mangle your relationship.  You cause fights.  You disrespect your partner, too.

By insisting you are right and there is a "right way" you disrespect your partner's experiences, training, and decisions.  You don't give them the chance to open up about how they see it or learn in a healthy way about your views.  You shut them down, and a shut down spouse is not a happy spouse.

So your courageous work is to get off the Ms. Manners bandwagon.  Stop trying to force your spouse to be the way you want them to be and start talking about what you like and why (not how they "should" be.)  Open up and understand your spouse has a different view from different experiences and that is okay.  Accept that fact.  If you want something, talk about how important it is to you (not to society!)  Stay away from being a snob.

Click the comment button below and tell us what you think!

(No links in comments, please- they will be deleted.)

Sign up for my exclusive newsletter here

Liking what you are doing

Today as I was scanning my Twitter feed I noticed Loren (@WarmPiano) had the following two tweets:

• "Lots on my to-do lust today."
• then
• "OMG to-do LIST."

I laughed aloud.   (I even sent him a "LOL".)

However, it got me thinking.  Wouldn't it be nice if we were passionate about our relationship to-do lists? 

He was certainly passionate about painting.

Are you passionate about the things you do for and in your relationship?  Are you excited about spending time with your partner and on your relationship?  Do you truly enjoy doing the things that strengthen your relationship?  Do you look forward to doing the things your partner loves in you?

I think couples often lose sight of the passion and excitement of their relationship because they get caught in the thought that it is "work" and of course "work" isn't fun, right?  Wrong!  I love my work, I'm good at it, and I look forward to it.  The same is true of my relationship because I have tapped into my passion and excitement of being in that relationship!

One of my favorite painters, Bob Ross once said, "You do your best work if you do a job that makes you happy."  (Probably right after he painted a "happy little tree.")  I will link that quote to one by Confucius, "Do what you love to do and you will never work a day in your life."

What I'm getting at is this: if you focus on what you love about your relationship, the reason you are in it, the drive and passion you have for it, then you will find that your relationship to-do list is not longer such a chore.  In fact, you will do the work well and excitedly.

Here are a few ways to get back that feeling of passion about your relationship:

• Make a list of what excites you about your relationship (or what used to.)
• Think about all the things you enjoy or have enjoyed doing with your partner
• Identify (and express to your partner) the things you love about them
• Recognize the ways you contribute to the positive energy in the relationship- how do you feel best?
• Create a different list - a "to-do lust" - of things you crave doing for and in your relationship
• Look at the things that drain your passion for the relationship and determine if you can view them differently or eliminate them completely

Your courageous work is to change your to-do list to a to-do lust; focus on the things that motivate you and keep you passionate about your partner and the relationship.  Use that positive energy to help you do well the work involved in keeping your relationship rewarding. 

Click the comment button below and tell us what you think!

(No links in comments, please- they will be deleted.)

Sign up for my exclusive newsletter here

Checklist for a Healthy Relationship

Today, rather than my thoughts and teachings, you are getting an important checklist of things that must exist to have a healthy relationship.  See how your relationship stacks up.

• open and spontaneous communication (speaking and listening)
• clear explicit boundaries and expectations are expressed with allowance for reasonable flexibility
• trust of each other
• a feeling of security and self-confidence exists for both
• personal identity, freedom and individual sense of self is encouraged
• negotiations are fair without power plays, whining, or threats
• both enjoy doing things for self and each other
• having fun together is common - healthy humor and play included
• neither tries to "fix", change, or control the other
• feelings and needs are expressed assertively and cleanly
• each is accepted for their real self
• both have humility and can let go of "being right"
• respect for each other and the relationship
• conflict is dealt with openly, resolution or management is reached
• both are open to feedback
• a balance of giving and receiving happens
• there is an ability to forgive self and other
• mistakes are accepted as part of being human and they are learned from
• both are willing to take risks and be vulnerable with each other
• other meaningful relationships and interests exist without taking away from the couple
• each can enjoy time alone
• privacy is respected
• change, personal growth, and exploration are all encouraged
• commitment is continuous and consistant
• there is a balance of together and separation 
• each takes responsibility for their own behaviors (no blame or shame)
• you have time to be together as a couple (not just parents, providers, etc.)
• a sense of working together as partners exists
• tenderness and physical affection connect you
• each of you is realistic about what to expect from the other and the relationship

Your courageous work is to ask yourself the following questions: How many do you bring and your partner bring to the table?  What is missing or impaired?  What are you doing well and can celebrate?  Which ones must you work on?  How can you improve your relationship in each area listed?  What is the first one you are going to tackle?

Click the comment button below and tell us how you did!

(No links in comments, please- they will be deleted.)

Sign up for my exclusive newsletter here

Getting Married? Top 10 things you need to discuss!

Many of the questions below came from couples in my office - they say things like "I wish I'd known..." or "If I'd only asked..." or "He/She never told me...."  And those are the reasons they are now talking to me, a counselor, about their relationship.  I'm sure you don't want to see me (as nice and good as I am!) so here are ten things a couple should discuss before they tie the knot. 

1. Money:  How will we handle money?  Who will pay bills, make the budget, save, plan for spending and allocate fun money? How much should be saved? If one of us makes more does that mean he/she gets to control more of the money?  Will we have a common "pot" or divided accounts? What is a necessity and what is a luxury (going out to eat, seeing a movie, cable, vacations, Starbucks, etc.)  Do either of us bring debt or assets into the marriage and how will that be viewed?  Money is a big topic couples gloss over and then regret!

   2. Kids: Do we want kids at some point?  Do we both agree on when, how many, and how we'll take care of them? What will be our parenting style?  Are we able to work as a team and agree to present a united front?  What should we do if that isn't happening?  How will children be disciplined?  Kids are a blessing and a stress inducer for relationships - plan accordingly

   3.  Work/Employment:  How will work be negotiated?  Will both of us work?  How many hours a week? Will it be okay for one of us not to work? Under what circumstances? If one of us were to be offered a career opportunity in a location far from the other’s family, are we prepared to move?  How do our levels of ambition match or differ?  Are we okay with them being different?  If they match, does it cause competition and how do we handle that in the long term?

   4.  In-Laws: Are there any major family of origin issues?  How good is your potential spouse at setting limits with family and/or are you bothered by this issue?  What place does family of origin play in your life as a couple?  How about when you have kids?  How often do we visit or socialize together? If we have out-of-town relatives, will we ask them to visit us for extended periods? How often? How much involvement do or will family members or parents have in decision making?  Will you function as a couple first, or part of a larger family who has great influence?  Remember, the family comes along when you get married!

   5. Free time: What do we enjoy doing together?  Are these things that will last for the long term or are they short term interests? How have we developed "play" and free time together?  Does it bode well for future ability to negotiate free time?  What are the expectations about how we'll spend our free time once married?  How much time will we have alone or with our own friends?  Do we like and respect each other’s friends?  Can we spend time with each other's friends?

   6. Chores: How will we divide chores?  What does each of us dread or like to do as chores? What chores are important to each of us?  Remember, 50/50 isn't always the answer.

   7. Sex: Are our sexual needs compatible?  Do either of us need more, less or different things?  Can we talk about it clearly so we can negotiate any future change?  Is my partner affectionate to the degree that I expect?

   8. Spirituality: What are our religious/spiritual needs? What do each of us need to feel spiritually fulfilled? What holidays will we celebrate? How will we celebrate? How will we balance them with our families? Will we will have problems with any family members during the holidays?

   9. Health: Is each of us happy with the other's approach to health? Does one have habits or tendencies that concern the other (e.g., smoking, excessive dieting, poor diet)?  Are each of us willing to be in charge of our own health so it doesn't impact the other negatively?  Are each of us willing to support the other in health or do we sabotage each other?  This includes mental health as well as physical.

  10. Problems:  Do we have problems in our relationship that we need to deal with before our wedding?  Is there violence, drugs/alcohol, mental health illness, personal issues, or past things that might affect the relationship? (including past marriages, kids, alimony.)  Are there issues from dating that could affect the marriage? (trust, unfaithfulness, difficulties handling conflict well)  Is it is important to be faithful to one another?  Do we have trust issues around faithfulness?

Some of these are things you can and should be figuring out as you are dating.  I don't necessarily suggest you sit down with you potential mate and run through all these questions in a sitting.  That could be torturous to both of you.  Look at the questions and see which you know and which you can discover.  

However, if you are considering getting married and you don't know the answers to a number of these questions, you have some discussing to do before you cut the cake! 

Your courageous work is to find the answers to the above questions before you marry.  If you are already married, you might want to talk about some of these things even now.  Your relationship is only enhanced by sharing honestly.  Hopefully, if you have a good grasp on the answers and are open with each other about ideas you'll have a better marriage.   

Click the comment button below and tell us what you think!

(No links in comments, please- they will be deleted.)

Sign up for my exclusive newsletter here

In an affair? Does your lover really love you?

Wedding Lily

Does your lover really love you?

• Not is your lover sexually attracted to you... 
• Not is your lover interested in you...
• Not is your lover "in love" with you...

But - does your lover truly, really, LOVE you?

If you answer "yes", and you are in an affair with that person, you are wrong.

You see, the basis of all true, real and healthy love is respect.  No one who expects you to be involved in an affair respects you.  No one who lets you or asks you to be in an affair respects you.  This is true whether you are the one who is married or if your lover is.  Being in an affair is the antithesis of respect and integrity. 

Why can't they respect you?  Because respect acknowledges all aspects of a person and their life.  It recognizes the situations you might be in (like marriage) and appreciates what they mean.  Respect doesn't lead you to do things you will feel badly about in the long term for short term benefits. 

By participating in an affair with you, your lover is disrespecting you. (and you are disrespecting them and yourself if you are in an affair.)  An affair isn't based in love... it is based on disrespect.

That may sound harsh, but consider this - if you felt good about what you were doing would you be hiding it?  If you felt it was respectful would you feel so bad about it when you are with your spouse?  If you felt things would be okay if your spouse knew why do you need to get angry about your marriage?  You hide because you don't feel worthy of respect - you know you have acted disrespectfully of yourself, your marriage, your spouse, and your lover.

What do you do, then?  Grab a hold of your integrity and be honest with your partner.  Tell him/her you are unhappy, come together to heal the situation, or decide together if things aren't going to work out.  Really do the work and earn your way in or out of the relationship before you make any moves toward another one.  Be worthy of yourself and a healthy relationship.  If you feel you can't work on the relationship, then have the respect to leave it before starting another one.

Your courageous work is to confront the truth of what an affair really is (hiding, disrespectful, selfish, etc.) and make moves to either end your marriage or the affair.  You really can't have both (and your spouse knows!)  Don't live in stable misery; do something about it and respect everyone involved!  That's real love. 

Click the comment button below speak up!

Sign up for my exclusive relationship newsletter

Don't forget you can hire me to coach you through difficult relationship concerns 

as well as to teach you techniques for a healthy and rewarding relationship.   

Contact me here.

Thinking of Tying the Knot? Top 5 things you need to ask yourself!

The traditional marriage season is soon approaching, and in honor of that I thought I'd make a list of five things you need to ask yourself before considering marriage:

    1. Communication:  Am I comfortable talking about almost all topics with my partner - including disagreements? Do we handle conflict well?  Does each of us face or avoid conflict?  How have we made decisions together?  Do our conflict and decision making styles match or clash? Do we both truly listen to each other and consider one another’s ideas and complaints?  Good communication will take a relationship a long way while unhealthy communication will ultimately blow it up.

   2. Reasons: Am I getting married for love and trust or for the wrong reasons?  How about my partner?  Pregnancy, finances, sex, loneliness, to escape, dependency - all are bad reasons to marry and will lead to problems later.

   3. The Nots: What are the "non-negotiable deal breakers" for you?  Your partner?  What are the things that you will not accept or tolerate in your marriage relationship?  Have you expressed these clearly to your partner?  Are there some things that you or your partner are not prepared to give up to be married?  Do they fit in a married state?  Is you each aware of these and okay with each not giving them up?

   4. Love: Am I in love with the whole person that is my partner?  Accepting both good and bad, knowing the possible difficulties, not trying to change the other?  Is it love or lust?  Do I trust that I am committed and my partner is committed to making the marriage work?  Real love takes work, knowing each other, letting go, and acceptance.

   5. Expectations: What are my expectations, hopes and fears about being married?  Do I expect everything to remain the same for years? (change is inevitable!)  Do I want to change my partner? (never works.)  Do I expect the fairy tale?  Have I expressed these expectations clearly to my spouse-to-be?  Do I feel safe talking about those things?

It is important to take a relationship temperature with yourself as you are thinking of marriage - all the way up to the "I do."  Often people get caught up in the hype of the moment, the planning, and the expectations and forget to check in with themselves.  I have heard too many times "I couldn't call it off, it had gone too far," or "I didn't want to disappoint everyone else," or "We'd spent too much money to back out."  Unfortunately, therapy and divorce cost a lot of money on top of what was spent on the wedding. 

Your courageous work is to take a step back and tune in with yourself about your marriage plans.  Ask yourself the above questions and be honest in your answers.  You'll be happy you addressed these things before you tied the knot.

Keep your eyes open!  Next Friday I'll list the top 10 things you need to ask your spouse-to-be.  Tune in.

Click the comment button below and tell us what you think!

Sign up for my exclusive newsletter here