In an affair? Don't kid yourself; your spouse knows.

If you are in an affair, I bet you have said "there's no way my partner knows!"  You have convinced yourself  you have been sneaky enough, smart enough, or cool enough to keep your partner in the dark about what you are doing.

Wrong!

Let me tell you a secret about affairs - no matter how well you think you are hiding it, your spouse knows. 

How?  No, not by your texting record, Facebook account, or phone calls (although this may be how you get caught); your partner knows because he/she knows you aren't there.  They feel the weak link - the broken link.

They know you are disconnected. 

Honestly if you are doing things outside of the marriage you have chosen to disconnect from your spouse.  And they know it; they feel it in some way.  Even if they can't put their finger on what is wrong, they know you aren't there (because you aren't.)  They may distract themselves from the knowledge by focusing on the kids, work, other things.  They may explain it away as the way relationships develop, but they know deep down you are gone. 

Remember, the definition of an affair is taking something that belongs in the relationship and pursuing it outside the relationship.  You have taken not just an act or feeling from the relationship, you have taken yourself when you are in an affair.

Is it fair?  You may be staying to not hurt them or the kids- but those are all just excuses.  If you chose to stay in the marriage then you need to be "in" the marriage and work it, not halfway out.  You can't make it a good marriage while you are going outside of it. 

Your courageous work is to stop deluding yourself and telling yourself your affair isn't affecting your marriage.  This is about living integrity rather than dishonor.  It is interesting that one synonym for integrity is "wholeness"; if you are truly about integrity you'll make your decision for wholeness.   

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You and Your Body - how do you relate?

I recently saw a short article in Psychology Today about body image and time spent outside.  Seems women who spend more time in nature have a better body image than those who don't. 

Surprised?  I wasn't.

The author of the study suggested time spent outside experiencing surroundings is time not spent looking at fashion magazines with unreal models, television with ads promising perfection, or hearing about weight loss. 

Although I agree less ads and more sky is better, I'd like to suggest an alternative reason body image improves.  I believe getting outside into nature forces you to appreciate your body.  Most outdoor time involve some sort of activity done with your body.  You are able to use your body and feel good using it rather than tearing it down or comparing. 

It is like the relationship with your partner.  If you spend all the time focusing on what is wrong or bad about him/her/the relationship you'll be unhappy and the relationship will also suffer.  If you spend time appreciating what the relationship means, what you like about it, what it gives you, then you'll be much happier as will the relationship.  Appreciation is better than criticism for any relationship.

That's what happens with your body relationship when in nature.  The outdoors doesn't encourage you to compare and despair; it encourages you to do and enjoy.  The smells tantalize, the sun warms, the bird calls sweeten, the hiking trail beckons, the waves soothe... all wonderful things.

If you can't regularly get out into nature (I bet you can - even to sit on your porch and watch the birds) there are some things you can do to help appreciate it and your body:

• Sit on the porch in the morning or evening and enjoy the bird calls
• Take a 10 minute walk during lunch
• Notice the natural things around you when you commute (hawks, trees, clouds, etc.)
• Learn the names of the trees around your workplace or home
• Spend time gardening (containers work fine - grow herbs for cooking!)
• Go sit along the boardwalk and listen to the waves (not your mp3 player)
• Stop and literally smell the flowers.

The last one is really meaningful to me today.  I was planting a few seeds and summer bulbs and realized something I'd never appreciated before: crocuses actually have a scent.  It is a subtle floral scent, but I never took time to smell them before.  You see, the wonder that is my body didn't let me miss it as I was bending over the crocuses to plant some bulbs.  It made me smile.

Your courageous work is twofold:

1. Make an effort to appreciate your body rather than beat it up - get out into nature and do things; it'll help.
2. Remember to focus on positives in your interpersonal relationships as well.

 Enjoy yourself, your body, your relationships, and nature.  Appreciation for the win!

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You are always ON in your relationship!

The other day I was rather rudely (and dangerously) cut off in traffic by a work truck.  Plastered all over the side, back, and windows of this truck were the name of the remodeling company.  Want to bet who I won't be calling ever?  Want to bet which company will have a bad taste associated with it for a long time if not forever?  Want to bet who I'll steer others away from if they mention the company?  I may not remember this particular incident, but I'll remember I don't like them much.

As a tourist in Japan I represented the US!

Before you argue the driver's ability has nothing to do with their ability in remodeling, keep this in mind - they were "on."  That person was driving a rolling billboard, but forgot.  I mean, they were representing their company in all they do including their driving.  The message it gives me is I can't trust them to be careful with my remodeling work if they are careless with their driving.  I can't think they'll be polite to me in person if they are rude to me on the road.

So, what does this have to do with your relationship?  Simple, you are "on" at all times; you are a walking billboard for who and how you are.

If you are mean and rude to your employees, what type of person is your partner to think you are?  If you nag and are negative to your friends, what impression are you giving your spouse?  If you talk down about others or belittle them, how will your mate feel when talking to you?  Will he or she worry you are talking down about him/her to your friends?  If you talk about how you "screw" your competitors or customers, will your spouse think you are trustworthy? 

This isn't about how you treat your partner "in the moment"; it is about how you treat your life and those around you all the time.  You represent yourself every minute of your life - your partner sees and takes away impressions on every thing you do.

You can say "it's not fair, I'm nice to my spouse," but if you are nasty elsewhere you'll give your spouse something to worry about.  You can say "I'd never do that to them," but your partner now knows you are capable of such things which means you are capable of doing it to them. 

Your courageous work is to consider your life and relationship as interconnected rather than separate.  There are consequences to everything you do (positive or negative.)  Your actions, words, and attitude all cause impressions - think carefully what impression you want to leave and act accordingly.

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Deepen Everyday Conversations and Connections

The feedback format isn't just for breakfast anymore.  You can use parts of it everywhere- and live in the spirit of healthy communication.

One healthy thing to do is ask questions to clarify what was said by someone else.  As a listener you are focusing on understanding the other person, not defend your ideas or intentions.  So, if you are not sure of something that was said, ask a question to clarify the information. 

What makes the questions work is the tone you use while asking them.  It is important you are curious in your questions so they don't come across as judgmental or attacking.  If you remember your role is to understand you'll be less likely to get defensive.
)Interesting side note: studies have shown men are less likely to ask questions for fear of seeming unintelligent.  However, men, by not asking questions you may give your mate the impression you don't care!  Ask away.)


Another healthy skill from the feedback format is to make a request when speaking.  It doesn't have to be a specific action, but give your listener a chance to repair.  If you are sharing so someone understands you, make your goal clear.  Let them know you just want them to understand and not do anything particular.  If you'd like a change, ask for it.  If you want them to do something more often, recognize it, applaud it, and ask for more.

You'll get more of what you want by appreciating than complaining, than by asking instead of pouting.

When communicating in any situation you need to keep in mind you have your truth and the other person has theirs.  This is normal; there is nothing wrong with it.  In speaking you acknowledge verbally it is your truth, and in listening you are trying to understand the other person's truth.  But whether you are the speaker or the listener it is important to keep in mind.  It will keep both of you clear.    

Unfortunately, since I teach the art of speaking-listening in a format, couples think they are only to use the skills when they are using the specific step.  Ideally and even realistically you can help all your relationships by using the skills whenever the opportunity arises.

Your courageous work is to generalize the communication skills to the rest of your interactions.  Whether you are talking to your partner, boss, child, sibling, friend, coach, therapist... you name it, use the skills.  You'll find you have better conversations and better understandings. 

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Commit to your Counseling or Fail. Both of you.

Are you committed to the work?

One major problem I confront as a counselor is a lack of commitment to counseling.  I can't "make" someone be interested or committed, so I let it go.  However, I want to emphasize to you the great importance of being committed once you start counseling.

Why?

Because if you aren't committed you are wasting your money, your counselor's time, and you are bound to fail ultimately.

What do I mean by lack of commitment?  Here are a few signs:

• Not doing your "homework" between sessions
• Only thinking about and processing the issues while you are in session
• Avoiding true participation in session and keeping everything "light"
• Trying to run the therapy yourself by determining what you "can" and "can't" talk about
• Being a sporadic visitor to counseling
• Hiding information from your counselor
• Undermining counseling by picking fights, minimizing what the counselor teaches, and bad behaviors
• Being a "yes man" - saying yes to what your counselor teaches and then not doing it
• Refusing to make behavioral changes
• Being disrespectful of the counseling directly or indirectly when not there
• Blaming (overtly or covertly) your partner for everything
• Not allowing your couples' counselor to speak to your individual therapist
• Dropping out of therapy without processing the end with your counselor

Any of these behaviors undermine your counseling and will lead you to failure.  No matter what you may believe, they have nothing to do with counseling or the counselor and everything to do with you.  They are your choice.

So what do you do as a spouse/partner who has an uncommitted partner in counseling with you?  Stand up and commit yourself.

• Stand up for why you are there.  
• Make it clear what you want out of counseling.  
• Be clear with yourself what your relationship will look like if your partner keeps doing the same old patterns (and they will if they aren't committed to the counseling.)  
• Remember, everyone deserves to be cherished.  If your partner isn't willing to commit to counseling they are saying they are unable to learn how to be truly cherishing of you and the relationship.
• Decide how you are going to set limits on yourself around your partner's lack of commitment.
• You commit to the counseling and make changes.  Do all the things that will help you succeed.
• Do what the healthy changes and your new self help you be strong enough to do.
• If you contract to a certain number of sessions then follow through with them don't drop out when it seems a little better. 

The truth is counseling is difficult and a lot of work.  The other deeper truth is counseling is so worth the work and difficulties.  What you can come out with is beautiful and lifelong - if you stick to your counseling and follow through to the end. 

Your courageous work is to confront any lack of commitment in your personal or couples' counseling.  Confront it in yourself and also in your partner.  You do deserve to be cherished.  Don't waste your time and money; instead make it worth your while.

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Statistics versus Personalization in Your Relationship

I have been reading "Half the Sky"* by Nicholas D. Kristof and Sheryl WuDunn and to say it is intense would be an understatement.  The subtitle is "turning oppression into opportunity for women worldwide," and that is what the book is about.  However, the statistics about oppression are a little overwhelming; what makes it a powerful read are the stories.

Many religions use stories to teach and reach

You see, the authors make a good point that although statistics "are persuasive, they are not galvanizing.  A growing collection of psychological studies show that statistics have a dulling effect, while it is individual stories that move people to act."  They go on to discuss studies which showed people donated more money to individuals than to large groups or causes.  It is theorized our logical systems aren't as closely linked to ethics and consciences as story systems are.


Here is where we come back to what this has to do with your relationship!

When you are talking with your partner about the effects their behavior have on you, you have a better chance at motivation if you keep it story-like rather than statistical.  If you try to be solely logical and "make a point" via "facts" you will dull out your partner.  Besides, "facts" are so arguable in a relationship.  

What do you do, then?  You make it about you.  Make it personal.  Tell your partner the story of what is going on with you when they do a particular behavior.  The story is personal to you and more real than any "stats" you can hold up.  

And since it is your story, it isn't about attacking your partner or bludgeoning them with "facts."  You are sharing your experience to help them understand you and hear your request.

Your courageous work is to tell your story rather than defend yourself and hide behind "facts."  Help your partner stay connected rather then pushing them away with statistical type interactions.  Keep it personal and close.  Logic only goes so far; in your relationship you connect better through your consciences.

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*By the way, the book title is based on a familiar Chinese proverb favored by Mao Zedong: "Women hold up half the sky."  You can easily find the book on Amazon or at your local library.

Is your busy life hurting your relationship? What are you avoiding?

I recently read an older book by Geneen Roth called Appetites.  She is known for her writing on compulsive eating, but this book had a broader scope which got me thinking about relationships.

sometimes our spouse looks like this!

You see, Roth was contending that you get really busy (compulsively eating, trying for perfection, overworking, etc.) as a way to avoid really looking at and feeling the good and bad of life.  She makes the point that life has difficult and disappointing aspects to it which you deflect through busy-ness.  I saw this in the clients struggling with eating disorders whom I worked with- their eating disorder is a way to evade the feelings of not being enough.  (Which we know is poor self esteem)

And it also happens in relationships.

The honest truth is no one relationship can do everything for you.  There will be disappointments, unhappiness, and disconnections.  Where the trouble comes in is when you are avoiding those feelings.  If you don't let yourself feel them, address the issues, and move on, they will appear in some negative way.

Life is not perfect and neither are relationships (or people.)  Elizabeth Moon said, "People are people, messy and mutable, combining differently with one another from day to day - even hour to hour."  The question is what you do about this messiness.  Here are some unhealthy options:

• Become wrapped up in your kids so you don't have to think about the unhappiness with your spouse
• Focus incessantly on your new business and ignore your spouse most of the time
• Get involved in a new hobby and work long hours perfecting it
• Obsess over your body and making it the "perfect" shape/weight/size/tone
• Fall into an addiction or eating disorder
• Spend tons of time with family and friends and little time alone with your spouse

You see how these busy things can keep you from really approaching the issues that are difficult?  You may even believe keeping busy is a good way to cope with things, but it isn't.  Here are some healthy options:

• Talk with your spouse about your disappointments
• Forgive yourself, your spouse, and your relationship for not being "perfect"
• Emphasize the things you do have in your relationship
• Mourn the things you don't have and learn how to let them go
• Spend time with your spouse exploring what is good between you

Your courageous work is to slow down and stop using busy-ness as a way to skirt the real pain that comes from being in a relationship.  It is in those moments of true relational bravery that you may find you have a better relationship than you thought.

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