Don't just do something; stand there! The relationship paradox.

When your spouse or partner is in emotional pain, what do you do?  Do you try to fix it?  Jolly them out of their mood?  Tell them how they should feel differently?  Encourage them to think of other more "positive" things?  Show them the silver lining and the big picture?

Believe it or not, 99% of the time, that is the wrong thing to do.

However, it is a natural response.  None of you likes pain, I'll bet.  None of you really likes seeing someone you care about in pain.  So you do something to fix it, to make it better, to "heal" what is going on.

It's not what they really need.

What they need is for you to be there for them.  To be firm, solid, and safe.  They need you to hear them and not try to change them or how they feel.  They need support and presence.   

Your spouse/partner/person you care for really needs to feel their feeling and come through to the other side.  All good therapists know that pain itself is a healer and to deny pain is to greatly extend the healing process.  I have been taught to breathe into a client's pain, not say anything, and just witness.  The wonders that come of allowing someone their pain are amazing.

This means you also can't fill a painful silence with your words.  If your loved one has just shared something powerful, just say nothing and take a deep breath while remaining focused on them.  They can see and feel your focus, hear your breath.  Let the moment sit for a little time and let your loved one come to the next step.  They'll tell you what they need.


That is the caveat.  If your spouse/partner is asking you for help, for suggestions, for input then you need to give those, not your silence. 


Your courageous work is to pay attention and ascertain what it is your loved one needs.  Are they in pain and need your supporting presence- the wisdom of witnessing?  Or are they asking specifically for help and suggestions?  If it is the first, then don't do something, just stand there (or be there.)

Click the comment button below and tell what you think!

Sign up for my newsletter here

Reconciling after an affair- three mistakes the cheater makes

Affairs are difficult, to say the least.  Like marriage, we have no "manual" that tells you how to handle an affair or what the "right" things are to do.  There are many books out there, but how do you know which is the one?  You don't, but you do your best. 

an affair is fantasy

Here are three mistakes I see cheaters make again and again when couples are trying to reconcile after an affair.

#1.  Keep in touch with their affair partner.  This is the "we're just friends now" excuse or "I still care and want to make sure they are okay."  The cheater is trying to justify to themselves and their spouse that somehow it is okay to keep in touch with the person they cheated with. 

It doesn't work.  You have to make a choice and stick to it.

If you choose to work things out with your spouse, then no personal contact at all with your former lover.  None.  Why?  Because it is too easy to slip back into the unhealthy behaviors.  Even things you may try to explain as "just talking to a friend."  Remember an affair is an affair.  You are still taking something away from your spouse.

This is when I'm asked about work affairs.  Does this mean you have to quit your job?  If feasible, it is probably a good idea one of you leave the job.  However, I know it isn't always practical, so here are a few suggestions:

• Make it clear you are not available at all and that is your choice.  In other words, don't blame the breakup on your spouse, kids, etc.  Take responsibility for your choice to work on your marriage.
• Keep everything strictly work (emails, discussions, etc.) and short, to the point.
• Keep everything at work.  No after hours "work" together, no off hour calls, no connecting outside of work.
• Do not talk about personal information, feelings, memories, regrets to your ex-lover.  Period.
• No lunches, dinners, private discussions with your ex-lover.
• No texting, checking if they are "okay," or encouraging notes.

Easy rule: if your spouse would question it, be hurt by it, or be angered by it, don't do it.

#2. Sometimes the cheater falls into idealizing the affair partner/relationship.  Emotionally an affair feels really good: it has intensity, a hint of "danger" which adds spice, and "everything is perfect."  However, an affair is fantasy.

The unfortunate part of fantasy is no real relationship can live up to that "perfect fantasy" you have created with your lover.  Truthfully, your affair and lover wouldn't stand up to the harsh light of reality either.  You have to realize reality isn't fantasy (but it can be better.)  The more you focus on how "perfect" things were with your lover, the more you put at jeopardy the chance of working things out with your spouse.  You can't see the real love you have (or can create) through the drunken haze of "affair goggles." 

What you have to do is stop comparing and work with your spouse on your very real relationship.  Help heal it, do your own work, and ask for what you would like from them. 

#3 is the mistake I see most often; the cheater tries to move on too quickly.  This often is indicated in a variety of ways: 

• "I've said I'm sorry, how many different ways do you need to hear it?"
• "I said I made a mistake, let's just move on."
• "I just want to leave this behind and take care of my marriage."
• "How long are you going to make me pay?"

 Do you realize the message you are giving when you say things like this to your hurt spouse?  You are telling him or her how they feel is unimportant, your discomfort is more important, and what you did was no big thing.  Not a good starting point if you are trying to heal your marriage.

Here's the tough truth: healing and rebuilding trust will take a looooooong time.  If your spouse needs to talk about it "again" then talk about it.  If they need to hear you say "I'm sorry" again, say it.  If you need to swallow your impatience and show your remorse stronger, do it.  If they need to keep tabs on you, then let them know where you are.  If they want to check your texts, then let them feel more comfortable with you by doing that.  If you are working with a therapist, and they think it has gone on long enough, they'll let you both know. 

Keep in mind anniversaries will be the toughest.  I don't mean your wedding anniversary, I mean anniversaries of thing that happened: when they found out, the first Holidays after they found out, the day you decided to end the affair, the day they confronted you, the day you moved out or back in, etc.  So, this means a year at least of times when your spouse will be triggered and feel unsure.  

Your courageous work if you are trying to recover your marriage after and affair is to keep these three mistakes in mind.  Don't keep in touch with your ex-lover, focus on your healing work.  Don't idealize what was a fantasy; enjoy what you have in reality.  Don't try to hurry your hurt spouse to "get over it" and recognize they will be hurt for a long time.

Click the comment button below and tell what you think 

the main mistakes a cheater makes when reconciling!

Sign up for my newsletter here

Love? What's in a name? Love by any other name.

Today is the traditional day to celebrate love and romance.  But I encourage you to expand today beyond romantic love and celebrate all the types of love you have in your life (or have had.)

• the family members you feel close to
• the family members you may have lost but still love
• the friends who cared about you even when you were being a "jerk"
• the dog you grew up with or who greets you when you come home
• the cat that warmly purrs on your lap
• of course, your partner
• and the many other loves in your lifetime.

Love does not necessarily mean sexual attraction or intimate commitment. Love can be simply seeing someone for who he or she is: friend, coworker, boss, family member, or lover.  To show love, you can keep our actions simple - by making a phone call, writing a letter, or sharing a hug.  Show someone you care.

Take a few moments to remember, enjoy, cherish, and celebrate the greatness that is love in the world.

Happy Valentine's Day!

Fixing your marriage is like losing weight.

This post has got be a winner; it has both relationships and weight loss in the title!  :)

The two have much in common.  Not just because they both can be frustrating, confusing, and sometimes ugly, but in a number of other ways.

First, in both fields there are lots of gurus and information.  Go to your nearest bookstore or check out Amazon and you will see tons and tons of books on weight loss.  From the grapefruit diet to Atkins, you name it, someone made a diet about it.  The same can be said about relationships.

Like losing weight, you have got to pick the healthy ones to follow, not fads.  Diet or relationship advice that has you doing weird unhealthy things should be tossed out the door.  Look for the pattern in the respected experts. In study after study it has been found the reason the fad diets "work" is calories are ultimately less.  (The bottom line is calories in versus calories out.)  The relationship experts often boil down to some simple ideas of healthy self, communication skills, good boundaries, and respect.

Sometimes a person starts a diet and it backfires.  They either go to extremes and restrict uncontrollably, or they feel so starved they begin binging.  The same happens in relationships.  Someone learns about the importance of talking about their feelings, and they overwhelm their partner and anyone who will listen.  On the opposite side is the person who learns the motto "pick your battle" and decides never to talk about things because "they aren't important."  Both extremes are unhealthy in relationships.

If you are using a healthy format for weight loss, chances are the lifestyle change will also include exercise.  I'll share a story: many years ago I bought an elliptical because I loved them at the gym.  I thought, "I'll work out at home daily and take off those excess pounds."  Fast forward a year; I had been working out for 45 minutes 6 times a week and hadn't dropped a single pound!  Why?  I hadn't watched my food intake.  You have to do both.

The same is true in fixing a relationship.  You have to work both yourself individually as well as yourself in the relationship.  Self health and relationship skill; do both.  

Some parts of the work seem easier for one or the other of you.  Anyone who has lost weight with someone else will agree; remember the old commercial where they do the same thing and he loses 5 pounds while she gains 10?  It's because some parts are easier; my husband is just naturally good at numbers and so counting calories is a breeze for him- I hate it.  I love exercise; he could do without.

In the relationship this may seem more subtle but it is very important.  Often women are "better" at the communication of feelings while men are better at thinking things through to a solution immediately.  When you are working on a relationship it is important to acknowledge both strengths and weaknesses of each of you.  It will help you realize the work your spouse is doing even if you think it should be easy.

Weight loss and relationship change- both need to be attended to daily.  Intimacy is a practice that requires regular choices (the way choosing a salad at lunch may help you keep those pounds off.)  They both take a long term commitment or you will  backslide.  However, if you practice them both daily they can become habitual and feel less like "work".

Lastly, healthy eating and healthy relating are often not supported by those around you.  You know what I mean: a culture of fast food and cheating (in both senses of the word.)  You will run into saboteurs who will tempt you will "just one piece of cake" or "how will he know?"  On a more subtle level it will be the normalcy of divorce as a first line choice instead of a last option.  Like you need to surround yourself with people who support you new eating habits, you need to surround yourself with those who support healthy relating (even if you have to educate people on your choices in both venues.)

So what do you think?  Are they similar or am I pushing my metaphors too far?

Click the comment button below and tell what you think!

Sign up for my newsletter here

Be a relationship scientist.

sometimes we assume too much

Recently I posted this relationship hint: "Rather than avoiding, approach your partner & bring up the sore subject in a curious supportive way. Talk it through."   I got an interesting reply on one of the social networks I use: "Tried that once, didn't work, won't do it again." 

Have you ever said that?  Have you ever tried something new and it didn't work that one time so you swore never to do it again? 

If you did you shot yourself in your foot (which isn't very scientific, but it is painful!)

You see, new skills take practice.  They take doing over and over again.  They take refining and burnishing.  It takes time to see if they are practical and workable.  Not one single attempt (or maybe two.)

Why not? 

Well, for the first thing when you do a new thing for the first time, you don't do it totally correctly or smoothly (dare I say perfectly?)  Maybe you tried this "new skill" like approaching with curiosity, but you still were leaking some form of scorn or judgment.  Or your tone wasn't curious but confrontive.  Or tried to do it in the heat of the moment when everyone was already angry and disconnected.

You need practice to make "perfect."  To perfect the skill, to know how it works, to get a feel for it you need to do it over and over.  One time is not practice.

Jack Sprat could eat no fat...

You also need to be a scientist and not judge the new skill on a single try.  When you incorporate a new relationship skill, like listening, you need to do it repeatedly.  Try different styles and formats.  Test your hypothesis that listening will help multiple times in multiple conditions.  Really get into the skill.  No scientist tests one rat one time and writes a research paper (that is accepted by the scientific community!)

But people make this mistake all the time.  They come back into my office after I taught them a new technique and they firmly report, "It doesn't work."  Then I ask them when and how they used it.  The truth comes out - they tried it once, didn't do it correctly, and it fell apart.  Therefore, to them "it doesn't work."  Of course it doesn't on the first try, but you would have never gotten out of school if you only tried to memorize the multiplication table one time.  You have to commit to do the work repeatedly.

Your courageous work is to not dump a new relationship skill after the first usage commit to a scientific exploration of it.  Massage it, try it again, practice it separately from the situation (like writing speaking forms out, or smiling at yourself in the mirror,) and keep doing it before you judge.  Give it a long time frame to make a change: say to yourself, "I'll give this skill daily usage for a month and see how it goes."  Be a scientist- don't just test one rat one time.

Click the comment button below and tell what you think!

Sign up for my newsletter here

Say Something! Don't just stand there.

I had a client sitting quietly in my office right after their spouse said some pretty intense things.  I asked, "Well?" as a prompt for speaking.  The reply?  "There's nothing I can say to that."

My response... "That's a cop out."  (probably said in a less judgmental but still direct way.)

You see, when you say to yourself something like:

• "Well, that's how she feels, I can't say anything about that."
• "It's the truth, I can't add to it."
• "There's nothing I can say to make it better."
• "I don't know what to say to that.

and then you don't say something you are seriously damaging your relationship.

Here are the type of messages you are sending to your spouse with your silence.

• "You are unimportant."
• "I don't even care enough to respond."
• "I'm not agreeing, I'm just shutting down."
• "This relationship isn't even worth me speaking."
• "I'm not really listening."

 In other words you are giving the impression you don't care about them or the relationship enough to converse about it. 

original 3 monkeys

What is the solution?  Open your mouth and say something.  If you don't know what to say, then ask your spouse to say more.  If you can't put words to what you think, let them know that and try your best.  If you are scared, say that.  If you are stuck, ask them a question or just empathize in a non-patronizing way with how they feel.  Use your listening skills and paraphrase what you heard to see if you got it correct.

What I mean is open your mouth to work on connecting.  You do not connect by shutting down and out.

Your courageous work is stand up and speak up.  It may not be perfect or pretty, but keep trying to connect rather than withdrawing.  Remember, "Silence is a text easy to misread." (A. A. Attanasio)  Speaking up is not evil- it is about connection.

Click the comment button below and tell me what you think!

Sign up for my newsletter