Being supportive in your marriage - bridging the gap.

How do you show support to your spouse or partner in the things they do?  What sort of things do you do?  Are you active in it or a kind of "be there" person?  What is your style?  Do they feel the support?  What things do you support for them?

bridges fall without support as do marriages

Are you supportive of your spouse in the things they do?

A client of mine had a complaint the other day which got me thinking about this.  He said, "She's never read my blog," and it bothered him.  She, on the other hand, couldn't see what the big deal was because his blog topic didn't interest her.

She was missing the point.  Reading his blog and telling him what she thought would have shown him she supported what he was doing.  It would have displayed an interest in what he spends time on and is proud of.  She didn't have to read it every time he posted, just once in awhile and say something to him about it.

You see, this type of support helps your partner see you are interested in them and what interests them.  Sometimes I think it is more important than more pragmatic support like problem solving or financial support.

You wouldn't want your spouse/partner to say to you, "Complete strangers are more supportive of the things I do and enjoy than you are."  That's how that man felt about his blog.  People he met in the digital world gave him more positive feedback about his work than his real life spouse did.

Your courageous work is to identify what things your are not supporting your partner in then support them in some way.  What interests, hobbies, projects (even work), goals, ideas, or inspirations are in your spouse's life?  Which of those can you show a little interest in- even enough to say "I'm aware this means something to you, tell me about it."  Show them you are aware enough to cherish them.

Dale Carnegie said 

"You can make more friends in two months 
by becoming interested in other people 

than you can in two years by trying to get other people interested in you."  

How much more powerful this interest will be with your spouse!

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Are your ears broke or is my mouth not working?

My sister has the unenviable position of having said the above statement to her daughter in front of my brother and I (and a video camera) a few years back.  If you are a parent or have any experience with kids you know the tone of exasperation the statement was laced with.  You may even be smiling.

What strikes me, though is the truth of the statement.  Communication is about both a mouth and a set of ears. 

It takes a speaker and a listener for good communication.  It takes transmission and reception.  It means both ears and mouth must be working correctly.

For problem communication the speaker may be off, the listener may be off, or both may be off.  For health both must be on.

What does this mean for you?

What it means is you must be responsible for your role (and your role only) during communication.  If you are speaking, and it is obvious the listener isn't getting you even while trying, then you need to work harder to be understood.  If you are listening, and you aren't getting your spouse, then you need to clarify with curiosity or ask them to say it differently so you may get it.

When I need to remember this I watch the video of us feeding seagulls and hear my sister's frustrated "Are your ears broke or is my mouth not working?"  I remind myself I need to fix one or the other when I'm disconnected in communication.  What I fix depends on what my role is at the time.

You are in charge of your role and not your spouse's.  You can't blame the other for miscommunication, just take responsibility for what you need to be doing and work on doing it better.

Your courageous work is just that: work at being the best listener you can be when you are in that role or the healthiest speaker when you are trying to be understood.  If you don't know what makes a healthy listener or speaker, read the posts in this blog about them.

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What to do when your spouse doesn't want to change

Often people ask me what I do about couples where one person does the work and the other doesn't.  Or one person is willing to change and the other isn't.

I say, "Isn't it great that at least one of them wants to learn how to have better relationships?" 

Two hearts

People don't understand what my job really is.  I don't consider myself responsible for saving a marriage; I am there to teach people how to be in better relationships.  Or more concisely, how to be better in relationships.  If that means the marriage works and that's the relationships they have, great.  If it means they learn how to be healthy in relationships, but it isn't the marriage they choose to be healthy in, still good.  

I'm here to reach you and others in ways that help you be healthy in relationship.

So what do you do when the other person chooses not to move into real relational behaviors?  If you are getting better, you then have a choice: what will you do now that you know what healthy is?  You deserve to be cherished; is your spouse willing and able to do that?

I think that's one big thing that scares people about starting couples' counseling; it means they may have to make a decision instead of living the way they are.  Some people chose to stay in stable misery because the idea of change is too frightening.  Some people can't imagine what "better" really would be.  Sometimes a person thinks they "deserve" what they are going through.

Let me be clear, everyone deserves to be cherished.  Period.

That's the reason to come to couples' counseling- to learn how to be cherished and cherish in return.  Your courageous work is to decide if your relationship could use buffing up and get thee to a counselor.  Or to decide if you need to learn how to be better in relationships.  Then take action.

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One up is just as bad as One down- healthy self esteem and relationships

Master of Ceremonies in "Marriage in Cana" 

Let us look at the social messages we get about emotional and relational health.  Be independent, not feeling anything unless you choose it, being able to do everything for yourself, not asking for help, feeling better than others - society views that as health, as the ideal.  It means being in charge of everything, on top of the world.

Do you disagree?

There is a message this type of "strength" is to be reached for.  In other words, society views being one up as healthy. 

Unfortunately, in relationships being better than others is just as unhealthy as being needy, helpless, dependent, and feeling less than or one-down.

The middle ground is the healthy spot.

Lamentably we get the wrong message from the world.  Competition and admiring your skills is healthy, but only if viewed correctly.

Let me share an example.  I had a client who was of genius level intelligence.  He was smart, very physically able, and personable.  When we started discussing self esteem, he said "I have good self esteem; I know I'm better than almost everyone at everything."  While this statement may have been true, he still had unhealthy self esteem.  He wasn't a better person, he was just better at doing most things than others. 

What does this have to do with relationships?

You see, by acting better than you lose touch with how your actions are affecting others around you, and you begin to have problems.  Because you feel better than you act as if only you matter; not relational at all.  Being one up feels good, so you don't have pain to encourage you to change (as happens in one down positions.)  Only the problems in your relationships.  It is much like being under the influence- you are judgment impaired.

My mother used to tell me "Kim, there will always be someone smarter and someone less intelligent than you, or someone prettier or less attractive.  You be your best without worrying about how you compare to others." We do have talents/skills/abilities, but they don't make us better or worse than others.

That is the healthy message- we all have the same worth. 

Your courageous work is to confront any one up behaviors or thinking that you have.  Keep yourself humble by realizing you could make the same mistake or look just as "stupid" at another time (and probably have.)  The mantra is "But for the grace of God, there go I."

P.S. Being self righteous is a form of one up.  Stop it.

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Ten Ways to Get the Most Out of Couples' Therapy

Too often couples come into my office looking for a magic wand.  They expect me to somehow "fix" what has been going on in their relationship.  They want me to give them that ultimate insight or one thing they need to do so they are "better."  Unfortunately, it doesn't work that way; therapy is not a panacea.

Therapy only works if you do.

Keeping that in mind I have created a list of things you can do to make your couples counseling successful.  In no particular order, they are:

1. Pay attention in your session and think about it later.  If you limit the time you devote to improving your relationship to only the hours you spend with your therapist nothing will get better.  You have to put mental, emotional and physical energy into making things work between sessions.  This leads to number 2.
2. Be a scientist and open to ideas.  What I mean is try things out, test out the things you are learning and see what happens.  Try them multiple times (no scientist only tests one rat once.)  Even if you think it won't work, try it.  Don't negate or minimize new ideas; you never know where they'll take you in your relationship.
3. Make a regular commitment to yourself and your therapy. Don’t be an infrequent flyer.  You can't do therapy a couple of times over a 6 month period and think you really spent any time on it.  Couples' counseling should feel a bit intense and difficult.  It is work and it needs to be done regularly for it to make a difference both in session and between them.
4. Be honest (with yourself, your partner and your therapist.)  Your counselor can't help you if you are lying to him/her and lying includes withholding information.  Honesty extends to your behaviors, too; if you say you’ll do something, do it.  If you don't think you will, say so.
5. Walk the walk, and don’t just talk the talk.  As I said in #4, do what you say you'll do.  Don't talk all relational in session and then go home and stop following through.  You must live what you are learning in order to improve your relationships.
6. Think win-win.  Real couples counseling is about two people who want to connect again.  If you are in it to "win" or prove the other person "wrong" then you are not truly in couples' counseling.  A healthy relationship realizes both parties can "win" and both can be "right" without either losing respect. 
7. Participate, talk, think, ask questions, be there.  You need to be involved in your sessions in order to get the most out of them.  Ask questions and share thoughts (write them down between sessions.) Turn off your cell phones.  I have lost count of the number of times I have had people think texting or accepting calls in a session is okay.  It is not only rude to me, but rude to your partner.  I am always interested in what this indicates about the relationship.
8. Allow yourself and your partner to make reasonable mistakes while remaining positive and realistic.  Each person is learning new behaviors, skills, and ways of thinking; you are bound to make mistakes or fall back into old patterns.  This doesn't mean you haven't made progress, just that you have to get back on track.  Now, if the same mistake keeps happening, make sure you bring it up to your counselor for help.
9. Make changes in your behaviors.  Notice I said your behavior?  Marriage therapy isn't about changing your spouse.  The work to be done will be on yourself; your partner will have their work, but you aren't responsible for theirs.  Additionally, you have to change your behaviors.  Insight is great, but it is behavioral change that improves your life and relationship.  A therapist can talk to you until they are blue in the face giving you information and insight, but it isn't until you apply the information and make change that your relationship will get better.
10. Find a therapist you can work with, but don’t leave just because a therapist says something you don’t like. And don’t keep threatening to leave.  Counseling is a personal thing and as such you both need to feel reasonably comfortable with the therapist you work with.  However, it is important you choose someone and work long enough with them.  Additionally, I have seen one or both people in a couple make threats or moves to leave when they are in the midst of hard work because it is hard.  Stick it out and do the work; you'll be happy you did.

What these boil down to is be a partner in your therapy. You have the power to make it work, no one else - not even your therapist no matter how good he or she is.  I will say it again, therapy only works if you do.

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Liar, Liar, Pants on Fire - little or big lies in your relationship

I hear someone in my office say, "It was just a little lie; why is he/she so upset?" and on the face of it that statement makes sense.

Then I look at the history.  Seems the person is misleading about little things regularly in an ongoing way.  A few days ago it was about hiding a small purchase.  Last week it was about who was at the get together when asked.  A couple of weeks ago it was about what they did after work before coming home.  And it continues, but none of them are "major" lies.

But they are still a problem.  The lies are causing a disconnect in their relationship if their spouse/partner is upset.

Think about it this way (you know I love metaphors.)  Trust is like a jar which once it is filled breaks.  Take big stones and put them in the jar and it quickly fills.  Small pebbles take longer to fill the jar, but if they keep coming, they will fill the jar and break it.  Big lies bring you to crisis quicker, and little lies will build up to a problem, too.

What does this mean?  Simply, stop telling untruths.  Don't forget lies come in many shapes and sizes:

• Direct untruth
• Misleading information
• Avoiding answering or telling
• "Forgetting" to share something
• Changing the topic to keep from being questioned

What do you need to tell?  Anything that has to do with your partner or affects your relationship.  You need to be upfront about what you are doing and thinking.  This means sharing about what you are doing even in your "free" time.  Don't fool yourself that what you do when you aren't with your partner has nothing to do with your partner.  Lastly, don't avoid things you think will upset your partner because your partner will be more upset when they learn about it. 

A caveat- sharing always needs to be done with healthy boundaries and diplomacy.  I'm not advocating sharing everything you think or feel.  You don't have to be a  verbal fire hydrant.  Share with moderation- not everything that is in your head needs to come out your mouth. 

If it is so unhealthy for relationships why do people lie?  All people lie (kids included) for the same reason - to protect themselves.  People lie because they fear consequences of speaking. 

Here are some things to think about when you are thinking of lying:

1. Ask yourself what the consequences will be when the lie is learned about?  
2. How has lying in this way been received in the past?
3. Is this one of a host of pebbles you've been throwing in your spouse's trust jar? 
4. Has your partner complained about your untruths before?

Your courageous work is to own up and speak up your truth.  Stop minimizing any untruths and recognize they are just as unhealthy as a "big lie".  Empty the trust jar of all the little and big things that are threatening to break it and leave room for the truth.

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How you begin makes sharing happen...

How you start determines how you end in any endeavor.  That's even more true when you are speaking with your spouse/partner.

How you start sets the stage.  ----> And you start before you open you mouth.

It is all about the attitude you go into sharing with.  If you are out to judge, forget it- you'll just be judged.  If you are out to talk about what the other person is doing wrong and "set them straight" you'll end up more crooked than before.  If it is about being right and controlling your partner you'll find you are wrong and out of control.

Real sharing is about telling your truth with skill, moderation, and most importantly love.

Yes, love.  Even if you are mad.  Even if you are feeling very unloved.  Even if you are ready to scream.

I like old cards!

Before you speak, remember you are speaking to the person you love.  Stop, take a breath and think about something that has been good.  Think about why you decided to be with this person.  Think about their happy and intimate smile.  Somehow remind yourself that you love this person or have at one time and want to again.

If you can't do that (I hope you can) then at least remember this is someone you are living with or plan to see again and be respectful.  

Work hard on remembering love, though.

If you think this will be difficult for you in the moment, then here's what you do.  When you are feeling at least neutral or good about your relationship write down a few things you love about your partner/spouse on a 3x5 card.  Put that where you can get it easily (wallet, purse, on a notepad in your phone.)  When you want to talk, take it out and review it in order to remember love.

This is important!

What you say when you have forgotten love is destructive.  It disconnects.  It is often not what you mean.  When you remember love it comes out much differently.  It is about repair, and it is heard much better.  Isn't that what you want, to be heard? 

Your courageous work is to remember love even in the face of disconnect.  Take that breath and focus for a moment on love before you share about your hurt.

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Giving what you can - an important part of communicating.

I have written many times about the responsibilities of listening.  I have encouraged you, as a listener, to be at the service of the speaker.  I've told you to quiet the chatterbox in your head.  I've clarified your job is to understand the speaker, not agree, believe the same, or come over to their side.  Then I encouraged you to show the speaker that you have heard by paraphrasing.  I've even shared with you the biggest mistake most listeners make.

Now I want you, the listener, to give what you can.

From the Capital Building Rotunda

What do I mean?

When you are listening, do all the things I outlined above first.  Then you give back to the speaker what you can.  This means owning up to what you can cop to from what they said and then agreeing to whatever part(s) of their request you can give.

Pay attention- there are two things there:

1. Copping to what you can admit to
2. Agreeing to do what you can

You see, just like the big mistake of jumping to request (#2)- if you don't own up to your part in the whole thing, then you leave your partner feeling unheard.

I saw this play out in my office recently.  She mentioned he had done something multiple times in the past, so she was expecting him to do it again.  His reply "Well, I wasn't going to do that, so you were wrong."

*gong show gong*!!  (Boy, I need to buy one of those for my office!)

Do you think his wife felt heard?  No.  Do you think it matters that he was or wasn't going to do it again?  No.

He missed both the responsibility to understand her and the chance to cop to his part in it.  A better reply would have been: "You know, I have done that in the past; I can see where you would think I was going to do it again."  He isn't saying "Yes, I was going to do it" so he isn't lying; he's admitting he had done something in the past (which he had.)

The focus is on her being heard, not him defending himself, because he's admitting to his part in it.

Your courageous work is to expand your listening skills to owning up to the part you played in what happened.  Only agree to what you find true for you, but cop to them.  You'll be surprised at how it helps your partner feel heard!

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Don't listen to the gurus!

It is a new year, congratulations and happy New Year to you all!

 

Many people use today as a time to reflect, realize, and reinvent themselves.  It is a tipping point in personal, relationship, and career growth for many people.  Good for you if you are using today to do these things.

I have only one suggestion - be careful of the gurus.

What do I mean?  Well, here's a quote by Andre Gide which captures what I mean:  

 

"Believe those who are seeking the truth. Doubt those who find it."

 

 In other words, if anyone tells you they have "The Way" to anything, run away from them.  They may have "their" way or "a" way to reach a particular goal, but they do not have a monopoly on getting there.  If they say they know "The Truth", they are lying.

 

Many faces of Da Vinci

You have to cut them a little slack- many marketing books encourage us to speak as if we were the only ones with the goods.  However, that all-or-nothing wordage sets my teeth on edge.  

 

And if someone believes the hype about themselves or their product/process, then they won't be able to edit or flex their style to fit your personal needs.  You'll be trying to fit yourself into a cookie-cutter style which may not be yours.  Run away.

Da Vinci from all accounts was pretty grandiose about himself.  However, he was constantly learning, constantly changing his style, constantly trying new things.  He's the type of mentor I would want.

So, your courageous work is to look for the real mentors and supports that will help you reach your goals this year.  Do a little research and don't jump at the first shiny thing - make sure it fits and isn't all hype.  Watch out for "the Truth" and look for "a way" (preferably a good way.)  Remember, if it looks too good to be true, it probably is.

P.S. I may title myself and "Xprt" on Twitter, but I realize there are multiple ways to peel the relationship orange; the things I teach just happen to be the ways which I really believe in!  And I'm constantly learning about new ideas.  I hope my blog and practice helps you reach your goals this year.

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