Halt your feelings before you react.

Couples often fail to recognize an important fact; how you feel affects your reactions.

If you are feeling tired, irritated, hurt, or depressed, your reactions are unlikely to be positive.  You come home exhausted from work, and your spouse asks a tough emotional question- you snap, get grumpy, and start a fight.  Or you shut down, shut them out, and "run away."  Either response isn't helpful or likely to connect with your spouse.  Halt yourself.

Both responses could be due to the way you were feeling when you walked into the house- not the actual question your spouse asked.

For example, I used to teach clients in my addictions groups to be aware of HALT.  The letters stand for Hungry, Angry, Lonely, Tired.  Those emotions are triggers for relapse.  They are triggers for poor relationship responses, too.

So here is your courageous work- be aware of your feelings before you react.  Whether are are feeling totally disconnected in your relationship or you are just out of balance from something else, take a moment to register where you are at before you respond to your partner.  If your current mood precludes healthy reactions, then let your partner know that and take a step back.  Ask to talk when you are feeling less of the HALT.

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