Buttons and triggers from your past.

The other day a friend of mine asked, "After all the work I've done on myself, why can my Dad still push my buttons?"

Without missing a beat I said, "Because he installed them!"

There was a heavy pause on the phone and my friend said with a serious sigh, "Thank you, my session is now complete."  We laughed, but both of us acknowledged the core truth of my response; her dad had installed those buttons, and they are deeply wired.

You have family buttons which affect your relationship with your partner, kids, other people, and your family.

That is not to blame family for everything; I mean to recognize how influential they have been in your life.  You have both positive and negative "buttons" given to you by your families.  Sometimes you can rewire them or reroute them, but other times they sneak up on you.  You may have protected some of your triggers from your spouse or friends, but somehow your family can reach right past your shield and zap you.  You may run into your partner's buttons, and you know they weren't installed by you - even though you end up pushing them.  It can be frustrating (like my friend's exclamation.)
  
Don't despair; it took your young life to install those buttons.  It will take time to uninstall them and create good patterns.  However, every healthy bit of work you do now as an adult makes them smaller and smaller.

Remember, your past influences you, but it doesn't have to determine you.

Your courageous work:

• ... begins by recognizing your triggers and buttons.  
• In your current relationship it is important to acknowledge your spouse isn't the parent who placed a button.  
• Identify what situations trigger you and create plans for how you'll handle them.  
• Practice those plans by visualizing them and using the actions in smaller situations. 
• Learn healthy relationship and self skills.

 Ultimately, as you work on relationship skills and individual health you'll find you are reacting less and less.  You'll have healthy reactions even to your family.  Your buttons will be smaller and harder to hit.  You'll be more in control of the switches you have.  Keep up the work; it is worth it.

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