If you answered "Yes," or "most of the time" you are off track.
At this point people argue with me and say "Well there is a universally accepted and polite way!" My reply? "No, there is the way you believe is the accepted and polite."
Do you understand the difference? When you say there is a "way" to be you are expressing your accepted way. Your way comes from your experiences, what you were taught, and what you have decided. Others may not believe the same thing ... and they aren't wrong.
Why is this important? Because when you approach an issue with an attitude of "I know the right way this should be" you communicate in an unhealthy way. Even if you use "I" while talking, you'll still come across as judgmental. Examples:
- "I think fathers should act ______ way."
- "I know a spouse who is connected would _____."
- "The right way to talk to me is __________."
- "I see you as a horrible ________ (parent, spouse, person, etc.)"
By insisting you are right and there is a "right way" you disrespect your partner's experiences, training, and decisions. You don't give them the chance to open up about how they see it or learn in a healthy way about your views. You shut them down, and a shut down spouse is not a happy spouse.
So your courageous work is to get off the Ms. Manners bandwagon. Stop trying to force your spouse to be the way you want them to be and start talking about what you like and why (not how they "should" be.) Open up and understand your spouse has a different view from different experiences and that is okay. Accept that fact. If you want something, talk about how important it is to you (not to society!) Stay away from being a snob.
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