One healthy thing to do is ask questions to clarify what was said by someone else. As a listener you are focusing on understanding the other person, not defend your ideas or intentions. So, if you are not sure of something that was said, ask a question to clarify the information.
What makes the questions work is the tone you use while asking them. It is important you are curious in your questions so they don't come across as judgmental or attacking. If you remember your role is to understand you'll be less likely to get defensive.
)Interesting side note: studies have shown men are less likely to ask questions for fear of seeming unintelligent. However, men, by not asking questions you may give your mate the impression you don't care! Ask away.)
Another healthy skill from the feedback format is to make a request when speaking. It doesn't have to be a specific action, but give your listener a chance to repair. If you are sharing so someone understands you, make your goal clear. Let them know you just want them to understand and not do anything particular. If you'd like a change, ask for it. If you want them to do something more often, recognize it, applaud it, and ask for more.
You'll get more of what you want by appreciating than complaining, than by asking instead of pouting.
When communicating in any situation you need to keep in mind you have your truth and the other person has theirs. This is normal; there is nothing wrong with it. In speaking you acknowledge verbally it is your truth, and in listening you are trying to understand the other person's truth. But whether you are the speaker or the listener it is important to keep in mind. It will keep both of you clear.
Unfortunately, since I teach the art of speaking-listening in a format, couples think they are only to use the skills when they are using the specific step. Ideally and even realistically you can help all your relationships by using the skills whenever the opportunity arises.
Your courageous work is to generalize the communication skills to the rest of your interactions. Whether you are talking to your partner, boss, child, sibling, friend, coach, therapist... you name it, use the skills. You'll find you have better conversations and better understandings.
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