Believe it or not, 99% of the time, that is the wrong thing to do.
However, it is a natural response. None of you likes pain, I'll bet. None of you really likes seeing someone you care about in pain. So you do something to fix it, to make it better, to "heal" what is going on.
It's not what they really need.
What they need is for you to be there for them. To be firm, solid, and safe. They need you to hear them and not try to change them or how they feel. They need support and presence.
Your spouse/partner/person you care for really needs to feel their feeling and come through to the other side. All good therapists know that pain itself is a healer and to deny pain is to greatly extend the healing process. I have been taught to breathe into a client's pain, not say anything, and just witness. The wonders that come of allowing someone their pain are amazing.
This means you also can't fill a painful silence with your words. If your loved one has just shared something powerful, just say nothing and take a deep breath while remaining focused on them. They can see and feel your focus, hear your breath. Let the moment sit for a little time and let your loved one come to the next step. They'll tell you what they need.
That is the caveat. If your spouse/partner is asking you for help, for suggestions, for input then you need to give those, not your silence.
Your courageous work is to pay attention and ascertain what it is your loved one needs. Are they in pain and need your supporting presence- the wisdom of witnessing? Or are they asking specifically for help and suggestions? If it is the first, then don't do something, just stand there (or be there.)
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Great advice. Something I never do. I will try that next time a loved one is hurting.
ReplyDeleteRoberta,
ReplyDeleteSometimes we speak up and try to fix because we are uncomfortable. We forget the moment is about our partner's discomfort.
Thank you for the comment!