What to do when your spouse doesn't want to change

Often people ask me what I do about couples where one person does the work and the other doesn't.  Or one person is willing to change and the other isn't.

I say, "Isn't it great that at least one of them wants to learn how to have better relationships?" 

Two hearts

People don't understand what my job really is.  I don't consider myself responsible for saving a marriage; I am there to teach people how to be in better relationships.  Or more concisely, how to be better in relationships.  If that means the marriage works and that's the relationships they have, great.  If it means they learn how to be healthy in relationships, but it isn't the marriage they choose to be healthy in, still good.  

I'm here to reach you and others in ways that help you be healthy in relationship.

So what do you do when the other person chooses not to move into real relational behaviors?  If you are getting better, you then have a choice: what will you do now that you know what healthy is?  You deserve to be cherished; is your spouse willing and able to do that?

I think that's one big thing that scares people about starting couples' counseling; it means they may have to make a decision instead of living the way they are.  Some people chose to stay in stable misery because the idea of change is too frightening.  Some people can't imagine what "better" really would be.  Sometimes a person thinks they "deserve" what they are going through.

Let me be clear, everyone deserves to be cherished.  Period.

That's the reason to come to couples' counseling- to learn how to be cherished and cherish in return.  Your courageous work is to decide if your relationship could use buffing up and get thee to a counselor.  Or to decide if you need to learn how to be better in relationships.  Then take action.

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