One up is just as bad as One down- healthy self esteem and relationships

Master of Ceremonies in "Marriage in Cana" 

Let us look at the social messages we get about emotional and relational health.  Be independent, not feeling anything unless you choose it, being able to do everything for yourself, not asking for help, feeling better than others - society views that as health, as the ideal.  It means being in charge of everything, on top of the world.

Do you disagree?

There is a message this type of "strength" is to be reached for.  In other words, society views being one up as healthy. 

Unfortunately, in relationships being better than others is just as unhealthy as being needy, helpless, dependent, and feeling less than or one-down.

The middle ground is the healthy spot.

Lamentably we get the wrong message from the world.  Competition and admiring your skills is healthy, but only if viewed correctly.

Let me share an example.  I had a client who was of genius level intelligence.  He was smart, very physically able, and personable.  When we started discussing self esteem, he said "I have good self esteem; I know I'm better than almost everyone at everything."  While this statement may have been true, he still had unhealthy self esteem.  He wasn't a better person, he was just better at doing most things than others. 

What does this have to do with relationships?

You see, by acting better than you lose touch with how your actions are affecting others around you, and you begin to have problems.  Because you feel better than you act as if only you matter; not relational at all.  Being one up feels good, so you don't have pain to encourage you to change (as happens in one down positions.)  Only the problems in your relationships.  It is much like being under the influence- you are judgment impaired.

My mother used to tell me "Kim, there will always be someone smarter and someone less intelligent than you, or someone prettier or less attractive.  You be your best without worrying about how you compare to others." We do have talents/skills/abilities, but they don't make us better or worse than others.

That is the healthy message- we all have the same worth. 

Your courageous work is to confront any one up behaviors or thinking that you have.  Keep yourself humble by realizing you could make the same mistake or look just as "stupid" at another time (and probably have.)  The mantra is "But for the grace of God, there go I."

P.S. Being self righteous is a form of one up.  Stop it.

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