Are your ears broke or is my mouth not working?

My sister has the unenviable position of having said the above statement to her daughter in front of my brother and I (and a video camera) a few years back.  If you are a parent or have any experience with kids you know the tone of exasperation the statement was laced with.  You may even be smiling.

What strikes me, though is the truth of the statement.  Communication is about both a mouth and a set of ears. 

It takes a speaker and a listener for good communication.  It takes transmission and reception.  It means both ears and mouth must be working correctly.

For problem communication the speaker may be off, the listener may be off, or both may be off.  For health both must be on.

What does this mean for you?

What it means is you must be responsible for your role (and your role only) during communication.  If you are speaking, and it is obvious the listener isn't getting you even while trying, then you need to work harder to be understood.  If you are listening, and you aren't getting your spouse, then you need to clarify with curiosity or ask them to say it differently so you may get it.

When I need to remember this I watch the video of us feeding seagulls and hear my sister's frustrated "Are your ears broke or is my mouth not working?"  I remind myself I need to fix one or the other when I'm disconnected in communication.  What I fix depends on what my role is at the time.

You are in charge of your role and not your spouse's.  You can't blame the other for miscommunication, just take responsibility for what you need to be doing and work on doing it better.

Your courageous work is just that: work at being the best listener you can be when you are in that role or the healthiest speaker when you are trying to be understood.  If you don't know what makes a healthy listener or speaker, read the posts in this blog about them.

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