Promise keeping and taking action

It is getting close to New Years, when everyone make promises to themselves for the next year.  These are called resolutions and can be healthy or not.  Maybe I'll write about that in a later post. 

Today I want to make a comment on promises of action taken given to others.  If someone asks if you did something, and you didn't- don't say you did- even if you are intending to do it.

Why?  Too often it doesn't get done and things go pear-shaped.

This is like the little kid who, when asked by a parent "Did you clean your room," says "Yes" and intends to go immediately to the room and clean it. However, the dog wants to play, or the TV is on, or dinner smells good, and the kid gets caught out. Repercussions happen and the child is yelled at, grounded, loses allowance, or something.  Stuck looking out the window at the world but not able to play.  All because s/he didn't own up to the truth- the room wasn't clean when s/he said it was.

If you didn't do what is being asked about, say "No, I didn't" and let the person know when you are going to do it (and then do it.)

I suggest you say when you will complete it so there is no miscommunication.  The person asking may mean "now" and you mean "by the end of the day."  This leads to tension and problems.

What it all boils down to is being honest and up front.  If you haven't done it, say so.  Don't hide.  If you plan on doing it, say so.  Then do it.  That's your courageous work.

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Perfectionism is the relationship killer... and a Holiday killer too.

 I've posted a few times about how trying to have the perfect Holiday is counterproductive.  There is no such thing except in the movies.  When you try to create a "perfect" Holiday and attempt to force others to be "perfect" you make everyone miserable. 

The same happens in your relationship.  Really.  Consider this quote by Dr. David M. Burns:

"Remember that fear always lurks behind perfectionism."

What is it you fear in the Holidays that you are pushing to have a "perfect" one?  How about in your relationship?  Here are some fears people have about both...

• You fear someone/your partner will not have a good time.  Face it, if someone wants to have a bad time, there is nothing you can do to change that.  If you do a good job as a host/ess then it is the other person's fault if they don't have a good time.  Remember, there are some people who never a pleased.  This is boundary work- the same type of work you do in your relationship.
• You fear someone/your partner will judge you negatively.  Yes, that's possible, but see the above comment.  There are people who are always judgmental, there is nothing you can do about that.  You keep your self esteem no matter how another person feels in the moment, including your spouse.
• You worry someone/your spouse will be mad at you.  Let me ask you why you are responsible for everyone else's feelings?  Who made you that important?  By trying to edit other's emotions you are being controlling.  They need to be allowed to have them, even anger.  You'll survive- their anger is about them, and maybe they need to feel it right now for some reason.
• You are afraid of negative feelings.  This is very common; many people fear negative emotions.  You have to ask yourself why that is.  "Negative" emotions like anger, sadness, jealousy, greed, etc. all have their place.  Each emotion tells you something about yourself or the other person.  Even over the Holidays these emotions come up - especially grief and loneliness.  Let yourself and others feel those emotions, cope with them (which is the big learning part), and then move on.  If you force yourself, your spouse, or others to stuff feelings because you are emphasizing perfection, be sure that emotion will come out in some nasty way.

Dr. Burns writes about what he terms the "healthy pursuit of excellence" as an alternative to perfectionism.  It is about doing your best without trying to control and determine all outcomes.  It is about having good boundaries (because you are only controlling yourself), good self esteem (because you are enough and matter no matter what others do) and being realistic (there really is no such thing as perfect!)

Your courageous work is to realistically pursue excellence this Holiday season and in your relationship.  Stop trying to make everything perfect and find the time to enjoy both.

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Do you think you need someone to have an abundant life?

Stop reading this blog for a moment and take a mental snapshot of yourself and your surroundings.  Look at that snapshot and identify all the good things that you have and that are going on right now.  I'll do the same.

(pause)

Here's a small portion of my list:

• I have a purring cat on my lap.
• I am writing in my blog which I love to do.
• I made homemade bread and it smells wonderful.
• The sun is glinting beautifully on the water, and I'm inside while it's cold out there.
• There is a movie waiting for me to watch later.

I could go on, but the point is I have just identified a multitude of reasons to acknowledge my life is abundant.  If you did the exercise you also have a small list of the abundance in your life just in this moment.

Why is this important?

Well, in my experience people are deficient in realizing their abundance.  They function from a mental attitude of scarcity and lack.  This causes big relationship problems.

How?

When you are functioning from sparsity, then you become needy.  It makes you over-react when you feel disconnected from your partner (because you fear even more loss.)  Imagining you have an insufficient life makes you grasp to try to hold what little you think you have and you experience unhealthy self esteem and poor boundaries. 

Let me give you two possible outcomes when you are in the mindset of scarcity rather than abundance.  You and your partner have a disagreement which is a little angry.  You go one of two ways:

1. One-up which leads you to say something like, "Well screw them, I don't need them- they are just ____."  You fill in the nasty word here.  Because you feel a lack, you feel like the other person is depriving you of something and is therefore reprehensible and you react poorly toward them.
2. One-down where you begin to beat yourself up for not being good enough.  "I'll never keep a partner, I'm not good enough; no one will want me."  Your actions are pitiable and may even move your partner further away just like reaction 1 did.

There is a third option- the healthy one.  Because you have reminded yourself regularly your life is abundant, you are not thrown for a loop when you get into a disagreement.  You remind yourself, "My life is okay and abundant even if she/he is mad at me right now."  This keeps your feet under you and you respond in a more giving way with healthy self-esteem and boundaries.  

Your courageous work is to practice acknowledging your abundance daily.  Then when you start to feel disconnected you can remind yourself you will survive and even be okay, but in this moment you can now respond in a healthy manner.

P.S. If you struggle with thinking of abundance listen to Louis Armstong's song "What a WonderfulWorld" or "Sittin in the Sun."

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Anger and patience: escape a hundred days of sorrow.

A friend of mine, Jim (@jimsutton5 on Twitter), sent me a quote and suggested it would make a great post.  I thought he was right, so here it is!

If you are patient in one moment of anger, you will escape a hundred days of sorrow. 

- Chinese Epigram

Anger is such an interesting emotion because of the way it is misunderstood and expressed.  Let's look at the myths about anger.

1. Anger is bad.  Nope, anger is just an emotion.  All emotions have a reason and tell us something about ourselves.  Anger is just a response to a threat - in other words it is telling you that you are feeling threatened in some way.  Recognizing threat is a survival trait; those who didn't aren't around anymore.  So, when you are angry the question you should be asking is, "What is happening that I feel threatened?"  That question will allow you to deal with the issue.  Besides, anger also energizes you for action.
2. Anger is always hurtful to others.  Really, it isn't the anger that hurts; it is what you do with your anger.  I know that sounds cliche, but it is true.  You can express you anger without getting nasty, mean, or even hurtful.  Speak from your experience in a respectful and non-judgemental way, and you'll express your anger in a better way.  Hopefully you'll avoid that sorrow. 
3. Anger is good to feel.  Here is the rub, anger is the tell-tale of a problem, but you'll have a bigger problem if you hold your anger and nurse it.  That leads to ulcers, violence, relationship disconnects, and depression.  Stop it.  Feel your anger, deal with it, and move on.
4. Only certain types of people have problems with anger.  I've heard this myth applied to men, women, the elderly, the young, police, criminals,... you name it.  No one group has the monopoly on difficulties with anger.  Anger is a universal emotion and if you aren't taught how to deal with it you have problems.
5. Anger is all in the mind.  All emotions have physiological components - this means physical things can trigger anger.  Research has shown odors, temperature, and pain all can induce anger despite the person's frame of mind.  You need to recognize your triggers (tiredness, stress, the weather, etc.) and take them into account.

What does patience have to do with anger, then?

If you allow yourself a moment of patience when you feel anger you will not react with a knee-jerk response to it.  You take a breath or two, ask yourself about why you are feeling threatened, and you make a choice in how you respond.   Funny thing about choices - you make them all the time.  So, if you choose not to take that breath and use patience, you are choosing to misuse your anger.  Anger never controls you, you let it control you, your choice.


And you are choosing sorrow, ultimately.

Your courageous work is to treat anger as what it is - a signal something needs to be worked on, and then choose to work on it in a constructive way.

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Holiday Hint: Just enough and only just enough.

This is the last of the Holiday hints indicated in the anagram REAL JOY.  Hopefully you have been using "real joy" to create real joy in your Holidays.

J is for “Just enough.”

Do “just enough” to make the Holidays what you want them to be - meaningful and enjoyable for you and your family.

Keep from making the Holidays complicated.  Learn to say “No” gently but firmly if you are asked to add things.  Don't add anything that isn't meaningful or enjoyable to you and yours.  Learn to say “Help” just as firmly but gently.  Remember enlisting help is an important skill.

Simplify your gift giving.  It is really true one meaningful gift can say more than three expensive thoughtless ones.  My family does Secret Santa so we each only buy for one person and we can focus on that person.

Have just enough decorations.  Don't go nuts on decorating - make things meaningful and beautiful to you.  As a child I loved the light-up soldier that went in the yard.  I didn't need the whole house outlined in lights; I just wanted the soldier guarding our driveway. 

Simplify your food.  Have fewer tastier dishes (just enough) at your dinner rather than a massive feast with tons of leftovers.  If someone wants you to add dishes, suggest they bring those things on the day of celebration.  Give them the gift of the recipe and encourage them to learn how to make it.  Remind them they can then have the dish anytime of the year.

Participate in just enough events.  Don't do things you don't enjoy - parties, visiting, events.  Be truly involved in the things you do because you'll have energy for them. 

Make your Holidays be about just enough so you can feel the true joy of the season.  If you are doing just enough all the positives of the season have just enough space to join you.  Make that space in your life.

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Your Personal Empowerment is Killing Your Relationships

Ever say "I'm not taking it anymore!" and had everyone stand up and cheer?

Ever mutter "No one is telling me what to do, especially my spouse" and have others say "right on!"?

Ever follow through with those statements by distancing yourself and "taking care of myself"?  Ever feel good and justified with that action?  Good for you...

... but absolutely terrible for your relationships. 

Unfortunately personal empowerment has grown without consideration of how to empower people within relationships.  Most personal empowerment is just that, personal.  It is all "I" with no "us," and it is killing your relationships.

I regularly see women who have left their marriages to "find my voice" or "set my limits."  In guys they leave usually because "I'm not going to be controlled" or "I have to live my own life."  All these goals are commendable and they are possible within the relationship.

Who says you have to leave in order to find your voice?  How about speaking up within the relationship?  Who says the only limit you can set is leaving?  How about talking about your unhappiness and wants?  What keeps you from learning how to negotiate what is needed within the relationship?  You aren't controlled if you learn why and agree to something.  Why can't you learn to have your own life and a relationship together?  That's actually healthy!

It is a fallacy to think you can only have personal empowerment outside of a relationship, but that's what many of the messages of personal empowerment seem to say.  I've even written about the importance of self care, but I never said you need to get rid of everyone else in order to do it.  However, did you take it to the all or nothing of "I have to take care of myself and ignore others"?

You see, personal empowerment has been taken to the step best summed up in the statement:: "I'm no longer weak, I'm strong, so go stuff yourself!"  Not very relational, is it?

What I want you to think to yourself (and act with) is the statement: "I am now strong enough to stand up with you and negotiate what it is I need and want in this relationship."

Personal empowerment should flow into and strengthen your relationships not tear them apart.  That's your courageous work.

Have you wrestled with personal empowerment in your relationship?

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Holiday Hint: Yourself, yes, you!

For the past five weeks, you have read about multiple hints from the anagram REAL JOY.  R = realism, E = enlist aide, A = acknowledge all emotions, L = List priorities, and O = Optimistic outlook.  

Y is for “You” (meaning you and your family.)  I'm talking about care of "you."  Along with realism self care holds you together.   If you aren't taking care of your body, you'll be stressed out, and you'll get nothing done.  Additionally you'll not enjoy any of the Holidays and/or fall apart.

Make sure you all:

1. Get enough sleep - Good sleep needs to be consecutive hours, not random naps.  Get at least five hours in a row if not more each night.  It is important.  Something to keep in mind, lack of sleep can cause psychosis.  Additionally, lack of sleep will kill a body sooner than lack of food.
2. Eat nutritiously- Nutrition is hard to watch over the Holidays.  Allow yourself to detour during celebrations, but only with moderation.  On other days make sure you are getting a variety of nutritious foods including your fruits and vegetables daily.
3. Hydrate - lack of liquids cause headaches, irritability, and signals often confused with hunger.  Don't include caffeinated or alcoholic liquids in your count, they dehydrate.  Strive for at least 64 ounces a day.
4. Take time to exercise to keep energy up - Yes, exercise actually increases your energy.  It releases the feel good chemicals your body and mind enjoy.  Additionally, for your kids (and yourself) exercise helps decrease nervous energy and the feeling of being cooped up with the short days and dark evenings.
5. Refrain from overindulging in food and drink - When you overeat or have copious alcoholic drinks, you cause discomfort in you body, decrease your energy, and unbalance your emotions.  Additionally, it makes your sleep poor and dehydrates you.  Be moderate and you'll enjoy the Holidays much more. 

Your courageous work is to keep the machines that are your bodies up and running strong. 

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