Holiday Hint: Make a list (and save your relationship!)

It is 5 more weeks until Thanksgiving, 6 weeks until Hannukkah, 9 more weeks until Christmas.  Are you ready?  Are you stressed yet?  Probably not the first and allot of the second.  I want you to be the first and not the second.

In the spirit of the Holidays, I'm going to give you all a gift.  Each week I'll share a hint to help make the Holidays more joyful and less stressful.  My wish for you is these hints will help you de-stress and thereby keep your relationship happier too.

To make it easier to remember, I have made an acronym: REAL JOY.  Each week I'll explain a different letter.

I'm going to go out of order and talk about "L" first.  L is listing priorities.

Look at past holidays and make a list of the things you most enjoyed and remember.  Have all of your family members do the same, even the kids.  Compare and collate your lists.  Listen to everyone's  lists.  You may learn you were doing something "for the kids" that they really weren't interested in.  You are looking for the parts of the Holidays that were most important to you all.   

Center your holiday only on traditions you all find important. Eliminate things you did not enjoy or which were not important.  In other words, simplify!

From this set of important traditions, make an early to do list and set aside time to do things.  You can make all the lists you want, but if you don't set time aside to complete things, you'll still be stressed.

Lastly, prepare to let some things remain undone.  There is a good chance you won't get to everything on the list, and that's okay. 

Paradoxically the best time to make a list is right after the Holidays!  This year, after the Holidays, set aside some time to make notes on what worked, what didn't, what to do differently, and what to eliminate.  Keep your focus on the things you find important, memorable, and enjoyable.  Review your notes next year when you are putting together your to do list.

So, your courageous work is to really focus your Holidays this year by identifying and listing priorities to make the Holidays enjoyable, memorable, and special to you.  And keep your eyes here for more Holiday Hints.

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Resentment Ruins Relationships

The other day I was talking to someone who went through a divorce.  He asked me, "Have you seen people in your practice who just don't have the energy to make the relationship work anymore?"

I replied, "I see couples who have moved past resentment into resignation, and that is sad.  It is a terrible place to be."

When you resent your partner, you push yourself further away from them.  You blame them and their behaviors for what you are feeling and where you are. 

Unfortunately, resentment over time becomes contempt and resignation.  Rather than exploding, the relationship is corroding away until there is no core left to stand on.  That is where that lack of energy comes from- no core to pull from. 

Here's the rub, your resentment is your own fault. 

What do I mean?  Well, the things you resent are things you allowed to go on, things you put up with, things you indirectly let happen.  All those negative behaviors you point to in your spouse are behaviors you needed to stand up to and say, "I'm not taking this." 

Underneath it all you resent yourself too.

So you are responsible for that corrosion you resent your spouse for.  You ultimately let it move to resignation.

Your courageous work?  Stand up and stop resenting.  Instead of being angry and pointing the finger at your spouse, speak up and request something different.  Be hopeful instead of resigned.  Share what it is you want and need.  Educate your spouse and yourself on the healthy ways to treat each other.  Stop rusting away and start shining like new chrome.

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Imagination matches reality in your relationship

In the last post I wrote about how your thinking is important.  I looked at how thinking positively or negatively creates that type of world for yourself.  Today let us take that a step further and discuss your mental images- they are truly powerful.

A few years back there was a simple study performed that illustrates the point of today's post.  It involved basketball and three groups of college students (those poor kids, they are always the guinea pigs!)  The researchers had all the students attempt free throws and recorded how many they made.  Then they assigned them randomly to one of 3 groups:

1. For the next month don't do anything differently.  If you can, forget this study until you come back.
2. For the next month practice throwing free throws for a set amount of time each day.
3. For the next month fully imagine yourself throwing the perfect free throw for the same time daily.

The first group barely improved (I think some practiced on the sly due to embarrassment.)  Unsurprisingly, the second group improved- by 24%.  What is amazing is the third group improved 23%!  Statistically they improved as much as the people who actually picked up balls and took shots.  Just by imagining it.

What the study shows is your mind doesn't know the difference between what you imagine and what you are actually doing.  Imagination is as real as reality.  Isn't that weirdly powerful?

What does this have to do with your life? (other than taking free shots.)  You need to understand the images you fill your mind with are your reality.  Let me give you some examples;

• Worry is just a form of visualizing.  The more you worry about negative things, the more you create them in your life.  For example, if you worry about failing, you are mentally practicing failure rather than success.
• Ruminating on regret is mentally practicing something that went wrong.  Again, you are teaching yourself to live in the negative.
• When you want to speak with your partner about something, you can practice it happening positively through visualization.
• If you want to improve your relationships you can visualize it improved and your what your actions are in that improvement.
• Think of the success you can create in your marital connection by using both visualization and practical skills (like those in this blog.)

How does visualization work?  You imagine yourself (from your point of view, not from outside) doing the thing you are visualizing perfectly.  Use all of your senses- what things sound like, look like, feel like, and what you are feeling in your body while doing it.  Get as specific and detailed as you can and stay positive.  Do visualize it as success, not failure or a negative reaction.  In the study they had the visualizers imagine the ball going through the hoop, not bouncing out.

So your courageous work is to stop visualizing the negative.  Worry and regret, are the two banes of positive visualization, and they ruin relationships.  Begin using this powerful tool of visualization to improve your relationship.  Tie your mind and imagination together with the healthy tools you are using and you can build a truly wonderful relationship.  A slam dunk!

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Your Marriage *IS* as Bad as You Think!

Yep, your marriage is that bad.  However bad you think it is - it is.  That's pretty awful news isn't it?

But wait, your marriage is also as good as you think.  Those wonderful things you imagine and think, they are real.

No, I'm not nuts (or at least not about this.)  You see, what and how you think create your relationship.  Don't believe me?  Let me introduce you to Emile Coue.

Emile was a French psychologist in the early 1900s.  He maintained curing some of our troubles requires a change in our unconscious thought, which can only be achieved by using our imagination.  He had his patients say "Tous les jours à tous points de vue je vais de mieux en mieux" to themselves every day.  (Translation: "Every day, in every way, I'm getting better and better.")  He found his patients would get better quicker than those who didn't use the mantra (even from medical problems.)  Coué thus developed a method which says an idea exclusively occupying the mind turns into reality (although only if the idea is within the realms of possibility - we can't bring someone back from the dead.)

In other words, what you think and say to yourself creates your reality. 

So, if you are thinking:
"My marriage sucks"
"My relationship will never get better"
"I can never love my spouse again" - you are right. 

Conversely, if you think:
"There are good things about my marriage"
"There are things I can do to improve my marriage"
"I can rebuild feelings like love" - that is true.

For the method to work, you must refrain from making a judgment; you must not let your will impose its own views on positive ideas.  Meaning, you can't say a positive and think "That'll never happen."  You undermine the power of your thoughts.

Coue isn't the only one who believed in the power of thought:

• "Everything you can IMAGINE is real."  -Pablo Picasso
• "Man is what he believes." -Anton Chekhov
• "In the province of the mind, what one believes to be true either is true or becomes true." -John Lilly
• "They can conquer who believe they can." -Virgil

Your courageous work is to spend a little time every day thinking positively about your relationship without being negative about it (or the thought.)  I say "John and I love each other deeply" each morning and night while I brush my teeth, and you know what, it's true!

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Be the change- guest post

Corinne Zupko of Inner Balance Life Coaching has been kind enough to let me use a post of hers.  I love this post and it has tons to do with relationships.  Enjoy!
-Kim

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"Be the change you want to see in the world."

- Mahatma Gandhi

This is one of my all time favorites quotations.  It brings us back to the idea that in order to make any change in the world, we have to come back to ourselves, because change starts from within.

• Do you want to see more peace in the world?  
• Do you want more peace in your life?  
• Do you want more peace in your relationships?

If so, then it is imperative that you find willingness to look at what is going on in your heart and mind.  This requires tremendous honesty with oneself.  

Each one of us has the capacity to come from a place of love, or from a place of attack.  The attack can be the slightest passive aggressive insult, or an all out explosive fight.  The difference in form or intensity doesn't matter - the impulse to attack comes from the same place in both situations.

When you feel the impulse arise to attack, whether it is a subtle or a loud attack, see if you can first notice that impulse.  Then ask yourself, "Am I willing to see this situation differently?"  If you are willing, continue to observe this impulse and keep asking for a new way to see the situation.  This can lead to a "miracle" - defined as a shift in perception, according to A Course in Miracles.  The shift might not come immediately, but you've made room for it to occur.


Coaching Questions:

• Where in your life do you want more peace?
• What would it look like if you had more peace? How would it feel?  How might it look on your face?
• How willing are you to experiment with seeing things in a new way?
• When you're in the heat of the moment, how might you remind yourself to tap into the willingness to see it differently?  How might you remind yourself to do this once you're out of a difficult situation? 

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Corinne and I both contributed to the giveaway; you can link to her there. 

Your relationship isn't supposed to be a highlight reel!

If you ask me what my favorite sport to watch on television is I'd say "the highlight reels."  I really don't want to sit through a whole baseball game to see the 4 really great catches and 2 home runs- it leaves me cold.  Same with golf, tennis, football, and most sports except F1, superbike racing and hockey. 

I can do that with sports, but you can't do that with your relationship.  You can't say "I only want to be around in the exciting parts or interesting parts."  You can't say, "I think I'll go make some nachos and wait until I hear the crowd cheer so I can watch the replay." 

Relationships are about being around all the time - even in the boring times, the times where nothing is going on whatsoever, or the times when your team is losing and you feel like crap.  Those are parts of a relationship, too.  There is a reason the traditional wedding vows say "In good times and in bad." 

Believe it or not, the boring, unexciting and difficult times can connect you to your relationship.  Think about how the crowd gets behind a team when it's not doing well, or cheers when they are trying.  You can connect even in the times when you are bored out of your gourd, you just have to get behind your relationship.

Your courageous work is to pay attention to your relationship at all times- not just the exciting ones.  Be mindful and appreciative.  Be involved even in the boring moments and use them to become more connected and relational.

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Learning from Actors and Actresses - how to have a relationship.

Yes, she kissed Monk!

A few weeks ago I heard an interview with the woman who plays mother in "Everybody Loves Raymond", Doris Roberts.  I found it interesting and wanted to share her insights and my ideas about it with you. 

She was talking about doing a stage play with one of her husband's best friends (the guy from Monk).  They were playing a couple who was dating and in the play was a scene where they kissed and made out. They did this night after night, and she said it was not a problem because they both were professional actors.  One night there was this weird chemical pop during the kiss.  They passed each other behind the scenes later and both laughed about how weird it was and did nothing more. 

Ms. Roberts made the point that if you are pretending night after night that you are in love with someone; it is easy to fall into the expectation you are in love.  This is what she believes leads to much of the relationship trouble and divorce in Hollywood. 

I believe it is what leads to many affairs, the fantasy and frequent imagining of the wonders of love with this other person.  If you spend your time thinking about, fantisizing about, and doing romantic things with someone who isn't your spouse, you create those intimate feelings. 

In reverse, the practice of not being loving toward your spouse is what kills marriage.

The second thing Ms. Roberts pointed out is a roadmap on how you can build your relationship.  She said if you emphasize loving feelings and do romantic things regularly in your marriage you can build that chemical spark in your relationship. 

Let me say that again, you can build it, it doesn't have to be totally gone if you don't feel it right now.  Like the bionic man "we can rebuild him, we have the technology" you can rebuild it, you have the choice.

So, your courageous work is to take a lesson from "Marie" and "Monk"; create a spark in your relationship.  Be loving, act lovingly, speak caringly, do romantic things, kiss, hug, snuggle, and be intimate.  Like with the actors it may not happen the first time, it may take some time to build up enough energy, but you can create a spark if you keep at it.

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Why do you stay? Is it really a good reason?

At times I have seen relationships where I wonder why one person stays there.  Abusive, neglectful, or just plain uninteresting, these relationships don't seem to have any redeeming qualities.  It is a puzzle why they stay together.

Then I take another look.  I step back and remind myself that in a relationship both partners are about the same level of health with each other.  In other words, you cannot point at your spouse and say he/she is really sick and abusive, because your staying indicates you are just as unhealthy in some way.

Not to put too fine a point on it, but if you are really healthy you don't put up with unhealthy behaviors for long.  In addition, an unhealthy person isn't comfortable around health because it highlights their issues.  One of you quickly gets out if there is a big discrepancy in your level of health.

So, if you are in an unhealthy relationship, and you want to blame your partner, stop, step back and take an inventory.  Ask yourself why you are staying and putting up with the things you aren't happy with.  What keeps you in a place that is so bad?

Here are half a dozen reasons for staying in a bad relationship I have heard in my office:

1. The kids: I discussed this excuse here, and the short of it is- by staying in an unhealthy or dead relationship you teach your kids how to have an unhealthy or dead relationship.  You aren't doing them any good.
2. He/She falls apart when you try to leave:  Well, that is just emotional blackmail and as ugly are financial blackmail.  Besides, if they are an adult, then they have responsibility for themselves.  By staying and "keeping them happy" you are treating them like a child and not letting them grow up.
3. You feel like you're abandoning him/her: First that's not a feeling, it is a thought you make up.  Second, what is it in your history that makes leaving equal abandonment?  When you take a child to college, are you abandoning or helping them in the next step of their development?  Sometimes leaving is the best thing you can do to help both of you become healthy.  You would be neglectful if you stayed and kept both of you sick.
4. He/she threatens they'll suicide if you leave: Emotional blackmail! (see #2)  If anyone says anything about committing suicide take them to the emergency room immediately for assessment.  Don't fool around with it and don't take responsibility for someone else's life.  
5. You've put so much time into the relationship: In investments, if you lose $50K on an investment, do you throw more money into it?  Just staying because you've been there isn't going to make it better.
6. You are afraid of being alone:  Whether this fear is about survival (having enough money to live) or about not wanting to be alone- it is unfounded.  For the first reason there are many programs out there to help you survive.  If it is truly about being alone, you need to determine what being alone means to you and challenge your thought distortions.  We are all alone at one time or another; it isn't life shattering.  Besides, if you are in a terrible relationship, aren't you already alone?

 I'm not saying leaving is always the answer, but there are times when it is the next step in getting healthier for both of you. 

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Comments appreciated and replied to!

One last note: it is important to leave if you are in an abusive relationship.  If you are abused, threatened, scared. I want you to know you do have options; there is support out there for you. I'm not saying it will be easy; it won't, but it'll be safer for you in the long run. And if children are involved, do you really have a choice? Your first responsibility is to protect them and get them out of danger. If you let children see abuse, then you are letting them be abused.

The National Domestic Violence Hotline can help: online at http://www.ndvh.org/
or call them at 1.800.799.SAFE (7233) 1.800.787.3224 (TTY)

Having Holdover Habits Harries Homestead

thanks for the alliteration @mildlyamused

Warning: I warn you in advance, this is going to sound like I'm blaming your family and parents for all your problems.  I'm not, this post is meant to help you think about what you have brought with you into your relationship.
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There is an old adage in couples' counseling that when two people finally get into bed together there are actually six people in that bed.  The couple and both of their parents.

Ewwww!

Anyway, it is true- when you form a relationship, you do bring your parents into it, no matter if they are dead and gone.  You bring what you learned from them, even the things you don't realize or notice.

Let me tell you a story heard from another therapist:

"One Easter I was preparing the ham for cooking while my daughter watched.  As I cut the ends off the ham prior to putting it into the over-sized pot, she asked, 'Why did you cut those pieces off.'  I stopped, thought for a moment and honestly replied, 'I don't know; it's what my Mom did, but she's here let's go ask.'  My daughter hopped off the stool and we went to find her grandmother.  When the question was posed to her, she replied the same as I had, 'I dont' know; it's what my mother did.'  Great Gran was holding court in the parlor, so the three of us went there to ask her.  'Gran, why do you cut the ends off the ham before cooking.'  She looked up at us and said pragmatically, 'I never had a pot big enough for the whole ham.'  My mother and I laughed; we'd always had big enough pots, but still cut the ends off without thinking of the reason why.  I never cut the ends off the ham after that."

There are times when you hold onto things you have seen while growing up, and you believe those things are "healthy."  Because you have seen them as a child, they are normal to you and you don't see any problem.  You are surprised if anyone even mentions them or even confronts you about those behaviors.

• People who come from loud screaming households wonder why their partner keeps complaining they yell.  (I have a friend whose older parents were mostly deaf, he talks really loud!)
• Someone from a place where physical violence was commonplace may think it is okay to restrain a person or shove them.
• A person who grew up in a critical and demanding household may demand perfection from their spouse and be disappointed when their partner is human.
• People who come from families who curse and put each other down can't understand when their partner tells them it hurts.  They think their partner needs to "get a thicker skin" because "my family did that and I turned out okay."

But you didn't turn out okay.  You have brought with you household habits that are now tearing your adult relationship apart. Even small things can cause problems: word choices, ways you respond to requests, phrases you use, nonverbal expressions, how you solve arguments.

There is hope, though.  I always say your past influences you, but it doesn't have to determine you.  You have a choice in what you continue to do.

Your courageous work is to look at the things you do and take a close look at your family's style.  Choose what you want to take with you into your new relationship.  Listen to your partner's feedback, that will give you a good idea of things you might be automatically assuming are normal.  If you think there are many things you need to address, seek professional help to sort it out.

You decide what type of life and relationship you are going to have now as an adult.  Stop cutting the ends off that ham.

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another awesome alliteration post!

Headaches, Relationships and Misunderstandings

No, this is not a post about how people use headaches as an excuse not to be intimate despite the comical overuse of that plot point.

This is a post about headaches- mine in particular- and what they can teach you about your relationship.

Props to my helmet!

Okay, short history- I never had headaches until about 6 years ago when I was struck off my moving motorcycle by an even bigger Hummer changing lanes into me.  Needless to say I got rattled around quite a bit on a road with a 55 mph speed limit and I ended up with a head injury to my frontal cortex.  Luckily I was wearing a full face helmet or facial reconstruction would have been happening!

Anyhow, what does this have to do with anything?  Well, starting that day I had tremendous headaches - headaches that put me to my knees, headaches that made it almost impossible to concentrate, headaches that caused me to be tired, irritable, and depressed.  Me, the person who never had headaches before now had migraines! 

What I found interesting was the response I got to my headaches.  No one seemed to care.  They usually minimized- "It's post concussion syndrome, it will go away" (my neurologist) or "Everyone gets headaches you'll deal," (most people who got 'average' headaches, not head splitting dragons!) or "No one cares if you have headaches" (my lawyer and the insurance company.)

So today I sit with a headache and wonder what it all means.  Isn't life supposed to happen for a reason?

Here's what I take away from it for relationships:

1. Only you can know what level of pain you are in.  No one can compare or ever fully understand.  Something that is small in one relationship may be huge in another- neither is wrong or right. 
2. You have to deal, but you can learn from others (my neurologist may not have understood, but the PT he finally sent me to helped me learn ways to decrease my pain a little.)  Get help to understand how to heal hurtful things in your relationship and go to multiple sources like books, articles, groups, and professionals.
3. Nothing every happens the way you think it should, and you'll have to deal with that, too.  (Legal action didn't even cover my out of pocket expenses- seemed no one really does care if you are damaged for life, only if it is grotesque- lose and eye or something.)  There is no one right way to deal with your relationship, only healthier ways.  I suggest choosing healthy changes and don't get stuck on there being "the way."

 So, your courageous work is to challenge the assumptions that things should be a certain way (including people understanding you) and deal with the world and your relationship the way it is now.  And do it in a healthy way.

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Are you moving too fast?

A client shared this story via email with me the other day.  I like the metaphor and I'd like to share it with you.

"A young and successful executive was traveling down a neighborhood street, going a bit fast in his new Jaguar. He was watching for kids darting out from between parked cars and slowed down when he thought he saw something.

As his car passed, a brick smashed into the Jag's side door! He slammed on the brakes and spun the car back to the spot from where the brick had been thrown.  He jumped out of the car, grabbed a kid and pushed him up against a parked car shouting, "What was that all about and who do you think you are? Just what the heck are you doing?"

"Please, mister, please. I'm sorry, I didn't know what else to do," pleaded the youngster. "I threw the brick because no one else would stop...." Tears were dripping down the boy's chin as he pointed around the parked car.

"It's my brother," he said. "He rolled off the curb and fell out of his wheelchair and I can't lift him up." Sobbing, the boy asked the man, "Would you please help me get him back into his wheelchair? He's hurt and he's too heavy for me."

Moved beyond words, the driver tried to swallow the rapidly swelling lump in his throat. He lifted the young man back into the wheelchair and took out his handkerchief and wiped the scrapes and cuts, checking to see that everything was going to be okay.

"Thank you and May God bless you," the grateful child said to him. The man then watched the little boy push his brother down the sidewalk toward their home.

It was a long walk back to his Jaguar, a long, slow walk.

He never did repair the side door. He kept the dent to remind him not to go through life so fast that someone has to throw a brick at you to get your attention."

Are you going too fast to see those around you?  Are you caught up on so many things you aren't seeing the things right beside you?  Does someone have to hit you with a brick to get you to pay attention?

That brick can be:

• divorce papers
• a major physical illness coming upon you or someone you love
• separation
• your child stopping speaking to you
• getting fired
• personal injury
• any other life altering or surprising events that catch you up short.

Your courageous work is to slow down and pay attention.  Don't spend your life dodging bricks, enjoy the ride at a leisurely pace so others can join in. 

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