Starting a flame in your relationship by being a team.

I've been recently involved in a group project.  It was neat to be invited to join, and I was flattered; however, it was really important I keep up my end of the bargain.

You see a group of professionals had decided to do a group give-away of great information to our followers.  I had to create something to donate to the cause, determine how to make an auto-responder, set up the technology behind it, and deliver all this by the launch date.  I did, everyone else did, and we came up with a wonderful give-away.

But the flame would never have flourished if we all hadn't have done our work. 

The same is true in relationships; you have to hold up your end of the bargain, and you have to do your own work (not your partner's) to make a rewarding relationship.

What do I mean?

First you have to do what you promised to do- that's holding up your end.  You have to stand by your word and not break it.  If you say you'll do something, do it.  If you give a timeframe, do it in that timeframe.  If there is a "rule" to your relationship that you have agreed to, then don't break it.  I promised quality work by a certain time, and I delivered even though I had to stay up late a few nights.  I kept my word, my promise.  You need to do the same in your relationship.

Second, you can only do your own work.  When I was writing for the give-away I wasn't able to do Elaine's piece, only my own.  It wasn't my responsibility, so I had to trust she'd come through (and she did with grace.)  The same is true for you - do your own work and let your spouse/partner do theirs.  If they ask for help, that is the time to pitch in.  If you get caught up in another person's work, you won't get yours done like you need to.  So, stop focusing on your spouse/partner and focus on what you need to do to create that rewarding relationship (like our give-away.)

Your courageous work is to do your work - both keeping commitments and working on yourself.  That's what being a team is about - keeping your commitments and doing your work so others can trust you.  It is about being reliable and responsible (neither of which are dirty words!)  It is about building a fire that starts with a little flame that you hold.

And check out the give-away to get whatever.  The topic is "Making Life Easier" (heck, can't we all use a little of that?)  Edit: the give-away has ended.  Thanks to all who participated!

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My computer borked, now what!

YES! I'm back!

Alright, I'm sorry I haven't posted for three weeks, loyal readers.  My computer died exactly three weeks ago today.  For a week I attempted resuscitation, but it was truly dead. :(  Then the next week I spent time trying to decide what I was going to do to replace it.  This last week has been spent getting the new computer back up to speed (downloading, installing, etc.) and catching myself up.

Blogging and a few other things I used to do regularly fell by the wayside, unfortunately.

You see, I had a habit, a pattern, a way of working which allowed me to get my posts done regularly, but with no computer that was all messed up - it was very borked.  I was using my husband's computer for the bare minimum things.  Blogging wasn't considered a minimum.

Now I have to get back on track with it.

The same happens in your relationship - something happens, you need to change your patterns for awhile, and then you never go back to the healthy things you once did to keep your relationship vital.  Those fun, intimate, connecting things fall away and vanish.

Why would this happen?  Here are some examples:

• You have a kid or children.  You and your spouse focus on their care (which is consuming when they are very young) and do the bare minimum for your relationship.  Even when the kids are grown, you forget how to go back to being a couple.
• One of you starts a business.  Like kids this can be all consuming and the couple-ship falters. 
• A family member (or one of you) becomes sick and requires a large amount of care.  The focus is on this care.
• Any number of things can trip you up and make you lose sight of the things that made the relationship great.  

Now, I'm not saying there won't be times you need to get to the bare bones of life for a time.  That is normal.  However, the change should happen only for a time and you need to remember to cultivate your relationship.  Go back to the things that made your hearts sing, your souls feel warm, and your lives seem to be intertwined.

Your courageous work (and a relationship resolution) is to look at the things you stopped doing some time ago which were loving.  What things connected you two?  What made the relationship great?  Then start doing those things again.  Make time and make it a priority.  Cherish each other.

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Real Religion and Relationships aren't Retaliatory

original image here

There is a lot of chatter about the pastor who wants to burn the Koran.  I don't want to give the man one more iota of press time, but it lead me to a thought on religion and relationships.

Awhile back I wrote a post about the Golden Rule.  I wonder if that minister ever read the Islamic version:

"Not one of you truly believes

until you wish for others what you wish for yourself."

-The Prophet Muhammad 

I could list dozens of religions that insist on the Golden Rule, even that FL pastor's religion does.  Obviously he's not following it unless he wants the Bible to be burned. 

However, what it made me think of in relationships was the harm retaliation causes.  It is clear (since the burning is to happen on 9/11) burning the Islamic holy book is retaliation.  As the American commander in Afganistan pointed out, this type of behavior allows extremists to drum up support and act out more.

The same happens in relationships.  When you act in retaliation, you set the ground rules for how your relationship will go.  Each of you can feel justified in tit-for-tat behaviors that only escalate and tear you apart.  Nastiness and sarcasm, silent treatments and acting out- all are symptoms of retaliation.

Your courageous work is to stop retaliating and relate.  Stop feeling self-justified in your retaliatory behaviors.  Chose to fix the problem or confront the issue rather than figuratively stick a knife in your partner.  Do with them what you would like them to do with you- connect.  You will reap what you sow.

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If you notice, another awesome alliteration!
P.S. Read a good article on the Quran here.

Resolving Conflict - lessons from a shipwreck

My husband once shared a metaphorical story from a management training class.

"You are shipwrecked on a deserted island.  In your broken boat you find a single tool, a hammer.  So, for the next few weeks you use that hammer for everything- chopping down trees, prying open coconuts, and even hammering a few nails.  Then one day you bump an unknown compartment in that little boat of yours and out falls a tool kit with screw drivers, pliers, utility knives - a full assortment of tools.  Would you continue to use the hammer for everything?  Would you use the pliers to pound those nails?"

Many people only know of one way to deal with conflict, but there are many ways and no one technique is right in every situation.

Here are a few examples of conflict styles, when they are good, and when you would be hammering nails with that screwdriver.

Thanks to @SmilinDani on Twitter for the topic!

1. Forcing- one person has the final say and all the control.  This is appropriate only if everyone has freely agreed to it or there is an authority figure whose position necessitates it (a boss.)  Appropriate if there is limited time ("Look, a fire, everyone out!")  Not good if there is a constant win-lose or people feel like their needs are always ignored.
2. Withdrawal- You avoid conflict at all costs and regularly give in while focusing on another's needs.  This works when the topic really isn't important to you (like ordering dinner.)  It is inappropriate when it leads to resentment or poor self esteem.
3. Peacemaker- You remain neutral at all costs.  Same positives and negatives as Withdrawal.  Not appropriate if you give up your control all the time. 
4. Assertive- You are responsible only for your own behaviors and don't assume others will agree.  You work toward a win-win without forcing.  There are two main forms of assertive response to conflict.  You may compromise- everyone gives something up to come to an agreement.  This is inappropriate if the final solution is watered down and doesn't really address the original issue.  You may also collaborate- everyone agrees who does what.  Collaboration takes allot of time and is inappropriate if you need a quick answer.

 As you can see, each of the conflict styles has a place in your life.  You can't sit down and compromise in a burning building but while making long range plans you may.  You agree to a level of forcing when you have a boss- remember Truman's famous desk quote, "The buck stops here"- the decision ends at the big wigs.  It is okay to withdraw if you really don't care about a decision or outcome (as long as you don't give your partner the impression you don't care about them!)  You can be a peacemaker as long as you still remain yourself.

Your courageous work is to decide which of these conflict strategies you are deficient in.  Determine which strategy is best in the situation you are in, and use it.  Are you using your hammer when you could put a screwdriver to better use?  Put that stratagem aside and chose the correct one.  It is a choice.

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Are you in stable misery? Which stabilizers are you guilty of?

flying buttresses keep Notre Dame stable

Sometimes I see couples who just don't seem willing to change.  Although they are in my office and they "say" they want to do something to feel better, they make no changes.

It's not me, so I look at what they are doing.  I know something is keeping them stable in the misery they are expressing to me, and let me tell you, what they express is quite miserable.

What do I mean by keeping them stable?  Well, one or both of them are doing something that allows them to put up with the discomfort of where they are now.  They may be telling me they can't stand each other, they scream all the time or shut down, they haven't had sex in years, or they don't know each other at all, but when I dig I see the thing(s) that permit them to tolerate the pain- those things are misery stabilizers.

What sort of things are misery stabilizers?  Here are a few examples:

• An addiction- when you are numbing yourself with an addictive behavior or chemical, you don't feel the pain of your unhappy relationship.  Besides, the addiction always comes first.
• Affairs- if you are getting your needs met outside the relationship, then you don't feel the emptiness inside the relationship.  You can put up with it because you have someone else on the side.  Keep this in mind if you are the "other person," you are helping your lover stay in a relationship they aren't happy with.  There are no excuses for infidelity.
• Work- by staying at and focusing incessantly on your work, you can distract yourself from how unhappy you are at home.  If you run yourself into the ground physically, mentally, and emotionally by pouring everything into work, then you don't have to spend any of that energy on your unhappy relationship.
• Food- any eating disorder creates numbness which allows you not to feel your misery.  Whether it is binging, purging, restricting, eating to fill emotional needs- all of these are misery stabilizers.
• Your family- often one member of the stable-miserable couple is focused exclusively on the kids.  You spend all your time, effort, emotions and concentration on the kids, their schedule and their needs.  That way you can ignore your relationship.  To a degree you are treating your kids like an affair.
• Anything that allows you to ignore, put up with, or suffer through a relationship anyone would describe as miserable.

 What do you do?

Stop the stabilizers and let yourself feel and respond.  However, respond in a healthy way.  I'm not saying just because your relationship is miserable that you must leave it.  I am saying that you can do some work on yourself and the connection to make it better. 

No one deserves to live in misery.

Your courageous work is to identify any misery stabilizers you have in your life and stop them.  Get help if you need assistance through the transition and onto healthy relating.  Make it a point to relate, connect, repair, and communicate. 

Don't avoid, ignore, or endure- make a change.

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Suggesting sex is no substitute for saying sorry.

A wonderful reader, Bethany, suggested this title for an awesome alliteration post, and I want to take up the challenge today.

"La Belle Sans Merce" or "Beautiful Lady without Mercy." 

She never knew intimacy because she never said "I'm sorry."

This is not a random topic; it actually came up in a session yesterday with a client.  We were discussing how one partner uses sex to make up while the other needs to make up before having sex.  Studies confirmed there is a gender bias in this, but I'll let you decide which one may be which.

What I want to talk about is the importance of being connected before being sexually intimate.  True intimacy is about celebrating connection not a way to create connection.  Many people make the mistake of thinking having sex means they are being intimate.

Have you ever been confused by sex because you think it means things are "alright?"  You are feeling great because you and your partner are now "okay" and then your partner tells you things aren't?

Pretty disappointing and perplexing, right?

It is because you were using sex to make up while your partner still wants to really make up.  And making up involves talking.  (I know talking can be scary, but it is very helpful.)  It also involves saying "I'm sorry."

You can say many things while doing the horizontal mambo, but few of those things are about how you'll fix what went wrong in the first place.  None of the words you utter, whisper or even shout are about what was hurtful and came between the two of you.  Nothing you say is about what one or both of you need in the future to be bonded.

Healing hurt, fixing actions, and making commitments are what remorse and making up are about, and all of them help create true intimacy.

So, your courageous work is to stop suggesting sex as a substitute for saying sorry.  Do the work of making up with words and actions, and you'll find your undercover work is much more satisfying.  Really!

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