Seeing stars in your relationship.

Yesterday evening we lost electricity for a number of hours.  When I say we, I mean a large portion of the county I live in.  I was meeting with my marketing assistant, and we spent the time on my porch in the fading light talking and brainstorming without our computers or the internet.  Later I planned to go to the beach and look at the stars; unlike most electrically lit nights, I could actually see some from my balcony.

Just as I was saying, "I'm going out to see the stars," the lights came on.  I could hear cheering from all around, but I was bummed.  Now the stars would be blanked out by the multitude of lights along the boardwalk and from businesses. 

It made me think of the things in life that distract from or cover up the underlying beauty in relationships.  The lights keep me from really seeing and enjoying the star strewn sky.  What things in your life keep you from seeing and enjoying the beauty in your relationship?

• Do you focus on work, the kids, the house, your friends and forget to focus on your spouse/partner/relationship?
• Is your life so hectic you can't even enjoy the time you have with your spouse/partner?
• Do you get caught up in what isn't "perfect" and negate what is good between you?
• Do you listen to all the gurus, TV shows, internet ads, and magazine articles and neglect listening to the heart of your relationship?
• Do you do all the extraneous things and forget the basics (respect, self esteem, boundaries, and good communication)?
• Are you so caught up in providing for your family that you aren't a part of it?

From National Geographic

What is it in your life that keeps your from acknowledging the wonderful connection and center of your relationship?

Your courageous work is to refocus on your relationship and strip away the extraneous distractions which keep you from connecting.  Discover again what you love about your spouse and how you can really be intimate when all the chaff is blown away.  Make your life and relationship congruent.  Enjoy your relationship.

Click the comment button below and tell us your thoughts!

Don't forget to sign up for my newsletter

Now I need to go find a dark place to look at the stars! 

Distortions don't do diddly; desist!

Just how important are your thoughts?  Let’s look at how influential thoughts, specifically negative thought distortions can be.  I call them “stinkin’ thinkin’” because they muck up your life.

The problem with negative distortions is they are, well, distorted.  They don’t reflect a neutral and more realistic view of things.  They don't do diddly!  Usually they feed off one another and negative thoughts create negative moods and often lead to bad behaviors.  You become disconnected from yourself and others.  This is the effect of the negative stories you tell yourself.

What do you do about it?  You challenge the negative thoughts, but first you have to recognize you have them!

Here are the ten most common thought distortions:

1. All or Nothing:  a.k.a. black and white thinking.  You view yourself, the world, or others in absolute categories, they are either one way or another with no middle ground.  Perfectionism is an all or nothing trap.  This is like a circle split in half one side black, other white instead of the healthy yin/yang symbol which has a dot of black in the white and a dot of white in the black. 
2. Overgeneralizing: You take one event and take it to mean a never-ending pattern of defeat.  If you don’t get a job after an interview then you say, “I’ll never get a job”, or after a fight with your spouse you think your marriage totally stinks.  This is like putting a single drop of ink into a glass of water, and it makes the whole glass grayish- it’s only a single drop (event) but you’ve let it affect the whole thing.   
3. Mental Filter: You only look at the negatives and ignore all the positives.  This is the opposite of “rose colored glasses” where you can’t see anything wrong on someone you love.  In this distortion you only see the bad in yourself, or the world, or others.  Like wearing dark mean sunglasses. 
4. Discounting the Positives:  You insist the positives in your life or your accomplishments really don’t matter.  I call this distortion the “this old thing?” distortion.  It’s when someone gives you a compliment on the shirt you are wearing and you say “This old thing?  It’s been in my closet for years.”  You’ve just discounted a compliment.  If someone gives you a compliment, just say “thank you” and be quiet.
5. Labeling: You use a label for a person (yourself or another) instead of for a behavior.  You say, “I’m a jerk”, “He’s a loser”, “She’s a failure”, rather than talking about the event or behavior.  Like the person is wearing a bar code on their forehead and that is all they are.  Think of it this way- if a child throws a ball through a window, is it healthier to call them “stupid” or to talk to them about throwing the ball through the window?  Most people and child specialists agree to focus on the behavior for a healthy child.  If we can agree to do this with a child, we can do this with ourselves and other adults- focus on behavior, label the behavior if you must. 
6. Jumping to Conclusions: You conclude things are bad without evidence, there are two types.  Mind Reading: You assume people are negative toward you.  Example: you walk into a room of people, the sound level goes down as people turn to look, you assume they were all just talking dirt about you.  The reality is, when someone walks into a room, people just naturally turn to look who came in!  You know the old saying about “ass-u-me.” 
   Fortune Telling: You assume events will turn out badly.  It’s like you think you have a crystal ball, so you tell yourself you won’t enjoy the family get together.  Here’s the ironic part; you are so sure you won’t enjoy it, that when you get there, you stand in the corner with such a puss on your face, and no one wants to talk to you because of it.  You have a terrible time, but you caused it! 
7. Magnification & Minimization: You either blow it out of importance or play down the real importance of something.  Most recognize magnifying- making a mountain out of a molehill.  Minimizing is where you take something important and say it isn’t.  People minimize the importance of their illness or stresses, “It’s only worry, everyone deals with stress”.  They minimize their positives, “anyone could do that.”  Alcoholics and addicts minimize the effects of their use or their use; “it’s only pot” or “I never lost my job”.
8. “Should” statements: You judge yourself and others by using words like “have to”, “must”, “ought to”, “should”, “need to”.  These all or nothing words leave no room for choice and judge the person (or yourself) badly if they don’t follow the rule outlined.  Don’t “should” on yourself or others (hence the picture of a toilet). 
9. Blame: This is the shaking finger.  You either take on all responsibility for something you weren’t entirely responsible for, or you blame others totally and overlook the ways you might have contributed to the problem.  It is important to realize most problems have internal (you) and external (world, event, and others) contributing factors.  
10. Emotional Reasoning: Here you reason from your feelings (which aren’t always reasonable).  Example, “I feel stupid; therefore, I must be stupid.”  It’s like looking into a mirror and seeing what’s in your heart and believing that’s the truth of the world.  Stick to talking about the feeling as an emotion, not the fact of the world

As you can see, distortions are about extremes, and often they blend into each other.  When you are distorted, you don’t recognize a middle ground or that there can even be a middle ground.  Because of this you are unwilling to negotiate in your thinking let alone in action.  You take your idea to an extreme because you are holding so tightly to it.  Let it go and take off your blinders.
   
The first step in challenging these distortions is recognizing they are happening.  So your courageous work and this week's relationship resolution is to identify each time you are slipping into a distorted form of thinking.  Recognize the extreme, and then chose if you want to continue to muck up your life with it.  Try to think in a different more neutral way.   

And enjoy using my silly drawings to help you remember the distortions!

Click the comment button below and tell me what you think!

Sign up for my newslette

by the way, notice this was another awesome alliteration? 

Skydiving, stacking the deck, and your relationship!

As some of you know, I planned to go skydiving last week.  It was my mother's birthday and she wished to skydive to celebrate.  I was all for it; so on Friday we went to the diving school to talk to the owner and instructors.  You see, my mom has a few physical concerns which may have affected her ability to land.

The owner, Tony, and his instructors sat down with and evaluated Mom for a tandem jump.  The general consensus was Mom could make the jump with some added assistance, but we would be smart to wait for the cooler weather in October.  As they explained, cooler air has less bumps and is denser making for a better flight and smoother landing.  Tony said, "I want to optimize everything so with your additional needs there are less chances of you being hurt."  Needless to say, we all agreed.

Tony and his instructors were stacking the deck in Mom's favor.  They were making sure that a smoother landing helped her have a better ride.  They were making sure things were in alignment for success.  They were being smart.

I suggest you be smart and stack the deck in your relationship.  No, not do things that cheat your spouse or partner, but act in such a way as to increase your chance for success in your relationship.

How?  Here are a few suggestions:

• When you have to talk about something important, pick a time where you both can focus. 
• Practice healthy self esteem and boundaries.  
• Really listen to your spouse/partner so you truly get what they are trying to say.
• Eliminate distractions during your talks- no TV, computer, phone, kids, etc.
• Do things you know your spouse likes so they can feel you love them.
• Make sure you say and mean "I love you" regularly (preferably multiple times a day.)
• Use the twelve rules of fair fighting.
• Keep yourself healthy physically, mentally and emotionally.
• Be respectful.

 Your courageous work is to identify how you can increase your chances of success in your relationship.  How can you help yourself and your partner succeed?  What situations (like cooler air) can make your interactions better?  How can you create situations and environments that promote connection?  How can you decrease distractions or things that detract from your relationship?  What skills do you need to practice and remember?  What actions do you need to take?

And keep an eye out, I plan to write about skydiving this coming October!

Click the comment button below and tell us your thoughts!

Don't forget to sign up for my newsletter

Loving memories or living in the past?

Watch out when looking through
your old yearbooks!

The other day I was helping my mother clean out some old boxes.  In one she found a Valentine's card given to me by my high school sweetheart.  And when I say sweetheart, I mean head-over-heels in love with him (even before he really even noticed me.)  It was a very sweet and encompassing first love, and I was devestated when it ended.  The valentine was a poignant reminder of something wonderful. 

However, I'm not going to make the mistake many people make.  I'm not going to go contact that young man to "catch up."  You see, I know that part of my life is passed.  It was fantastic, the relationship was great at the time, but I don't feel any need to recreate it.

Why do I say it would be a mistake to contact him?  Couldn't we just be friends?  Maybe, but very unlikely.

You see, when you are an adolescent, your body is a boiling mass of hormones.  It is part of human development; those hormones are helping you grow (and making you a devil for your parents!)  Because the high hormones are in your system, your feelings are often more intense - making your relationships intense.  All those feelings get stored along with your memories of the time. 

In other words, if and when you dig up those memories by meeting someone you once loved as a teen, you fall into the feeling memories rather than the truth of now.  You may be a different person, but those memory feelings come rushing back and are very confusing.  It is difficult to be "just friends" now because of how you felt then.

This is why you may stumble with social media.  Facebook, Twitter, Myspace and all the ways you can connect or reconnect can become a minefield.  You can find your old friends, but you can also fall into "remembered love" with someone from your past.

Needless to say, this can be a problem for your relationship of the now.  No current relationship can stand up to the rose-coloring you've given those from your past, and the day to day of your current feelings will seem bland compared to your teen angst driven emotions.  You may be even tempted into infidelity. 

That is why I say I'm not going to contact that guy I used to moon over and then date all those years ago.  I know what I have now is good, and I appreciate it.  If it weren't good I'd rather create something real and intimate in the now (by working on what I have) than live in the past. 

So, your courageous work is to stop comparing what you have now with what you used to feel as a teen.  Let yourself feel things now and work on what you have to make it the best it can be. 

I'd love to hear from you; have you ever been bit by the memory of past love? 

Have you, or do you know someone who contacted a past love, and how did it go? 

Click the comment button below and tell us about it!
Don't forget to sign up for my newsletter

Shame versus Remorse - Going to the garden to eat worms!

Many people I work with confuse shame with remorse to their detriment.  I have to show them the difference like I'm going to do for you.

Shame is about feeling overly upset or sad about a behavior or about yourself as a person.  Someone says something to you, or you do something you are unhappy about, and you get down on yourself.  You start thinking poorly of yourself, and you attack your inherent worth.  It feels awful; you want to go into the garden and eat worms.

In the most extreme forms of shame, you ask others to care for you rather than mending things with them even if your behavior was hurtful.  The example I use is: I go home and pick a fight with my husband.  I feel bad about the fight, beat myself up, and return to my husband.  When I see him I say, “Oh my God, John.  I feel so bad I fought with you; hug me and tell me you love me anyway.”

At this point, people always ask me, “Shouldn’t I feel bad about things I do wrong?”  My answer is an emphatic “Yes, but…”  Yes, you should feel appropriately badly about behaviors that hurt yourself or others, but don’t take it too far.

Appropriate level of feeling bad represent remorse rather than shame.  When you feel remorse, you feel bad, reach out to the person you hurt, and you work on repairing things.  In the previous example, remorse would look like:

• I realize picking the fight wasn’t healthy.  
• I feel sad, but I don't beat myself up.  
• I go to my husband and say something like, “John, I feel badly about the fight.  I’m sorry I picked it.  Is there anything I can do to help us be better right now?”  

The words might vary, but the intent is the same; I am working on repairing things between us.  I’m trying to find my way back to connection.

The major difference in shame versus remorse is the direction of focus.  In shame, the focus becomes about you.  Your feelings, negative self image, and behaviors revolve around yourself.  You make yourself feel worthless, less than, and unworthy.  In remorse, the focus is on the behavior and making repair, specifically repair of the person you hurt.  In remorse you are standing on the ground as a healthy person, not wallowing in the garden eating worms. (That's only healthy if you are a robin!)

The second difference is the intensity of feeling bad.  In shame you almost wallow in it, you get stuck in it, it hurts so much you get caught into yourself.  With remorse you feel bad equal to the behavior you did.  A small infraction leads to small discomfort while big damage may lead to heavy levels of sadness.

However, you never take remorse to the point of becoming self-centered.  Remorse is about fixing, healing, repairing and reconnecting.

So your courageous work is to stop shaming yourself and learn what real remorse is.  Don't go to extremes, don't get trapped into yourself, focus on fixing and connecting.

By the way, in case you were wondering "eating worms" came from a rather strange song from my childhood.  Here are a few of the lyrics:

"Nobody likes me, everybody hates me
I'm going to the garden to eat some worms
Big fat juicy ones, little bitty skinny ones..."

Click the comment button below and tell us your thoughts!

Don't forget to sign up for my newsletter

You can drink once a year and still be an alcoholic.

There are a few misconceptions about addictions I'd like to clear up.  

The first mistake is thinking someone who is addicted must be a derelict in some way.  Actually, many people who are addicted to something present a good social, work, and even family face for a long time.  It is actually only in rare cases you see the "bum."

This "image" of the addict or alcoholic is what keeps many people from identifying themselves or their loved ones as addicted.  Because you don't live in a cardboard box, stink, or stagger doesn't mean you aren't addicted.  Don't compare yourself to that image and say, "I'm not that bad; therefore, I'm not addicted." 

It is also believed to be an addict or alcoholic one must "use heavily" and infrequent use is a sign someone isn't addicted.  I'm here to tell you that you can use your addictive behavior once a year and it is still an addiction.  The telling point isn't frequency or type of behavior used.

So, don't fall into the final delusion addiction only happens with "hard" drugs or alcohol.  You can be addicted to any behavior - gambling, shopping, sex, food, online gaming, internet surfing, even television.   

Let me help you understand why these ideas are fallacies. Abuse is indicated by any behavior that causes you negative consequences and you still continue to do them.  Abuse leads to addiction in most cases.  What pushes it over the edge diagnostically to addiction are one or more of the following: 

• You make attempts to stop or cut down, but they don't work.  
• You have to escalate the behavior in order to still get the "high".  
• You feel withdrawal physically or emotionally when you try to stop using. 

A client once shared, "I discovered I was an addict the third time I was in rehab.  You see, I realized if a doctor told me I'd die if I had another drink of apple juice, then I'd stop drinking apple juice.  However, all these people have been telling me I'll die from this, but I still continued to use."  That's a clear picture of abuse, and looking at his multiple rehab admissions he qualifies for addiction.

As for the three indicators that push the behavior over into addiction, they show a slide into lack of control.  They say in Alcoholics Anonymous "my life had become unmanageable." 

• If you have tried to stop the behavior and can't- then you are possibly addicted.  
• If you have created "rules" around it (won't do it on the weekend, won't do it during the day, etc.) and then broken them, you are most likely addicted.  
• If you find yourself looking at more intense ways to do it (spending more money, drinking more) then you are probably addicted.  
• If you can't stand it (irritable, uneasy, restless) when you can't do the behavior then you are suffering withdrawal and that's a sign of an addiction.

Remember my claim once a year drinking can indicate an alcoholic?  Here's a possible scenario: you drink once a year, let's say at a Holiday, and when you do you drink enough that you insult family members or do things you normally wouldn't do (negative consequence.)  You do this a few years in a row (continue despite negative consequences- abuse) and then tell yourself the this year you won't drink.  When you get to the Holiday party this year you drink anyway (attempt to stop failed.)  So you create a rule- "One drink" for next year, and break it. 

Can you see where it's going?  You already have two diagnostic criteria for addiction. 

What does this have to do with relationships?  Remember someone who is addicted cannot be in a relationship; the addiction comes first.  It is important for your relationship to recognize and treat any addictive behaviors. 

Your courageous work is to admit to any addiction and get help.  If you are with someone who is addicted, the best thing you can do is encourage them to get help.  Don't think staying will fix them, and don't put up with any abuse.

Click the comment button below and tell us your thoughts!

Don't forget to sign up for my newsletter

Does fighting mean the end of a relationship?

It depends on the fights you are having.

You see, I don't think disagreeing or even being unhappy at times means a relationship is going to end.  It just means you two are human- you aren't going to agree on everything all the time! 

If you do agree on everything all the time, one of you is a robot.  :)  Well, seriously, if one of you has buried their true thoughts and feelings (or been bullied into burying them) then the relationship is not a real combination of two healthy individuals.  One (or both) of you are automatons.  I have less hope for your marriage than the fighters- I think you have stagnated and died but don't know it.

Let's get back to fighting.  It is not fighting that is the problem; it is the type of fighting you are having which signals bigger issues.  What do I mean?  Let me outline a few different unfortunately realistic possibilities:

1. When you don't agree with your partner, you stuff your feelings (for a variety of reasons.)  You do this regularly until you explode and throw everything (metaphorically) at your partner.  In a tirade you list all your partner's problems and issues.  You vent it all out, probably with your partner screaming back at you or standing there stunned.  At the end you both collapse emotionally and physically.  Little is accomplished, but you convince yourself "things that needed to get said were" and go back to stuffing (maybe because you are afraid of the blowup you had.)
2. Every time some little thing bothers you, you blow up.  You nitpick and give "constructive criticism" to your partner all the time about everything.  You "just want him/her to be their best" and it often is misinterpreted as nasty.  You try to make everything okay by making it your way.  You find yourself in fights about the littlest things that later you can't even remember why they were important.
3. You don't like conflict at all; in fact, you will go out of your way and not even speak your thoughts in order to "keep the peace."  Even when your partner gets hot under the collar, you "keep your cool" and don't let anything get to you.  You wonder why your partner keeps getting so upset.

 Any individual or combination of these things sound familiar?  If so your fighting style isn't unusual, just unhealthy.

Great tiger image from fPat's photostream on Flickr

I previously wrote the rules of fair fighting, so I'm not going to review them here.  However, if you look at the three examples above, they don't follow the "rules" and show a lack of respect- self respect and respect for your partner.  That lack of respect is what makes fighting detrimental to a relationship.

You can disagree, and even get heated but still remain respectful.  That is the type of relational argument that doesn't hurt the relationship and may help it grow. 

Now, I also want to make a statement about those who struggle with the idea that fighting in a relationship is okay.  Look at it this way, if you both didn't share your thoughts and ideas then you would be hiding your true selves from each other.  Instead of getting upset and worried that a disagreement means the end of your togetherness, spend some time trying to understand what the disagreement was about and what each of you needs right now.

So, your courageous work and this week's relationship resolution is to turn your thinking around about "fighting" in a relationship.  Start to realize it doesn't have to be disrespectful.  Follow the rules to help the argument come to a solution, and don't overreact to a disagreement.  Realize disagreement has its place in relating. 

Quarrels don't mean the relationship is over.

Click the comment button below and tell us about disagreement in your relationship!

Don't forget to sign up for my newsletter

Study "Breaking Up is Hard to Do, Unless Everyone Else is Doing it Too"

I just read an interesting study about the influence of your social network on divorce.  Let me share a few of their conclusions:

1. You will be highly influenced toward divorce if those you name as friends are divorced or divorcing.  In fact, if your friend is divorced you are 75% more likely to be divorced.
2. Divorce tends to occur in clusters.  This means a divorce not only influences direct friends but friends of friends.  This is not mitigated by physical distance so your friend in CA who gets divorced may influence your circle of friends in NJ.  If a friend's friend is divorced you are 33% more likely to get divorced.  This doesn't extend to 3rd degree friends.
3. Popular people are less likely to get divorced.  The argument is a stronger friendship circle is indicative of stronger relationship skills, and strong friendships may help you weather marital stresses. 
4. Sharing friends with your spouse does not decrease the likelihood of divorce.
5. Men and women are equally likely to divorce if their friends do so.

What does this mean for your relationship?

Well, the type of social network you have strongly influences how you deal with the stresses in your life- in this case marital stress.  If your friends see divorce as an option, they are more likely to suggest that to you.  If they see counseling or working on the marriage until it is healthy as the only option, they are likely to suggest that to you. 

I'd guess you could expand this study to many issues.  The truth is, what your friends see as okay is what they will suggest you do.  

Again, what does this mean?  It means you have courageous work to do....

• Take with a grain of salt the suggestions your friends are giving to you.  Look at where the ideas are coming from.  If your friend recently divorced and is encouraging you to "leave the bum" instead of trying to work on things, I wouldn't be surprised.  You have to ask yourself, "Are my friends friendly toward my relationship?"  If you want to work on your relationship and your divorced friend is encouraging you not to, set limits with him/her.  Let them know what you are doing and that you ask for their encouragement. 
• The study results point to another side of the issue - creating a social system that is supportive of marriage can buffer your relationship.  In other words, spend time with people who have been married and weathered difficult times.  They'll give you suggestions, support you when you are stressed, and encourage you to do the work that is needed for a healthy relationship.  
•  One thing I speculate about - divorce is acceptable because people talk about it.  They share the steps, what they went through, and they show it is possible.  I'd like to see the same happen for those who seek professional assistance.  If you go to couples' counseling, talk about the effects and what you learn from it.  Build a system that supports the work you are doing.  
• Lastly, be aware of social influences.  Ask yourself if you are considering divorce where the idea came from - is it what you really want to do, or does it seem like "the thing to do?"  Does it seem alright because you know someone who went through it?  If you didn't know someone what would you be choosing to do?

Social supports are important, and you have to be aware they do influence your choices.  If you are aware, then you can make your choices be your own.

Click the comment button below and tell us about the study!

Don't forget to sign up for my newsletter