Everyone is searching for the right person...

... how about being the right person?

Instead of focusing on someone else, how they are (or aren't), what they do (or don't), what they say (or withhold,) take a long look at yourself.  If you don't, then you can't be in a healthy relationship.

Let me define what makes a healthy relationship.

• A healthy relationship is made up of two free standing individuals who chose to be together and share. 

I want to highlight the very first thing that is needed - free standing individuals.  That means you need to be able to stand in a healthy way on your own.  You have to take the steps to be a healthy individual before you can be part of a relationship.

What are the initial steps to help you be healthy?

1. Take care of your physical and mental health.  Physical health should be a no-brainer, but it rarely is; see your doctor and do what he/she says.  In regards to mental health, if you have been diagnosed or have "issues", "hangups", mood swings, addictions, personality issues, past trauma, family problems or anything which strongly influences you - see a therapist and possibly a psychiatrist.  It's good for you, and great for your relationship.
2. Practice healthy self-esteem.  Self worth is one of the first things I often teach to people because they don't get it (never learned it.)  You can't have healthy relationship esteem, nor esteem your partner if you don't understand and live healthy self esteem
3. Develop healthy boundaries.  If you can't define who you are separate from others, then you aren't a freestanding individual.  This means your sharing and protective boundaries.
4. Get and use good communication skills.  This means learn how to be a good listener as well as a good speaker.  Don't forget communication is two way, always.

 So, your courageous work and this week's relationship resolution is be the right person - be a freestanding individual who is good for and in your relationship.

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There is no excuse for infidelity.

As a couples' counselor I've heard a litany of excuses why someone thinks it is allowable to have an affair.  They often say things like, "I know it isn't right, but..."

1. "...we have to stay together for the children."  This one really confuses me.  So, you stay in a marriage you are so unhappy in that you are cheating... what do you think this teaches your kids about relationships?  They learn marriage is a dead thing that only barely lives for them (not for the couple.)  They build a skewed view of intimate relationships watching the stilted interaction between you and your spouse.  If they learn about your affair, then they may decide to someday follow in your foot-steps when they aren't happy in their marriage.  That's the way their parent did it, right?
2. "... we can't afford a divorce."  I have a friend who is filing for divorce at the hefty cost of... wait for it... $300.  Yes, that's right, you don't have to spend a fortune to get divorced.  The money is just an excuse.  (If you want to know what she's doing, drop me an email.)
3. "... I couldn't tell my spouse, it would kill him/her."  Ummm, don't you think your spouse knows you aren't "there" for them any more?  Even if they don't really "know" what is going on, they feel it.  You can't be connected to your spouse and be having an affair.  Actually, you aren't truly connected to either person, but you don't know it.  So, you stay in your marriage slowly killing and regularly hurting your spouse rather than standing up and telling the truth?
4. "... no one knows and no one will find out."  That's just lying to yourself to make you feel better.  People know.  They suspect.  They feel it.  Your children know you aren't really there for your partner, (if they don't, you've already taught them how to have an unhealthy intimate relationship.)  Your spouse knows on an intimate level.  Even your family and friends suspect.  And, believe me, it gets out ultimately.
5. "... I couldn't help myself, we just fell in love."  Take it from a couples' counselor, real love takes time to develop.  That being said, you may have fell in "lust" to start with or in "interest."  Maybe you had let your marriage get to a point where any "interest" felt like something great.  Folks, love doesn't just happen, you have to let it happen.  We all have opportunities and "interests" where we could take the cheater's path, but not all of us nurture those feelings.  Yes, you could help yourself.
6. "... if I get divorced my spouse will take everything I have."  Honestly, that's just selfishness on your part.  Everyone wants to have the cake and eat it too.  You want to have all your money, your "on the surface happy" home, the image of family with spouse and maybe kids, and you want the hot lover on the side.  That is natural; we want all we can get.  However, when your spouse finds out and divorces you anyway, they'll still take everything.

So, what is a person who is considering infidelity (or already cheating) to do?

Be honest!  With yourself, with you spouse, with all involved.  Don't try to take the "middle road" it's not the honest or healthy path (for any of you.) 

• If you are going to stay in the marriage, then stay in the marriage and make it the best marriage it can be.  Work to heal the things which lead you to wander, and work hardest on yourself.  This means letting go of your affair and not seeing or contacting your lover again.
• If you don't want to do this, and if your choice is to move on, then move on.  Don't drag your spouse, your kids, you family, your friends, yourself and your lover through infidelity.   

Stop hiding behind the excuses and take the honest path.  

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Do you misuse honesty? Tact takes troubles out of Talks!

Do you you say the things you think/feel/believe in a very direct and blunt way?  Regularly?

Then you make a common mistake about honesty.  

I'll bet I confused you with that comment!  You see, you have probably learned somewhere that it is "best" to "be honest" and "direct" with those you care about.  And you took that to mean you need to tell them everything in the most forthright way you can.  You think you are doing them a favor.  You think it's great to say something in a brusque no-nonsense way.  You are proud of yourself.

Your partner feels like you are beating them with a 2x4.

You see, the mistake you are making is not using tact along with your honest.  Most people think tact is the opposite of honesty, but I'm here to tell you frank honesty is just brutality if you don't use tact.

I have to blame therapists and self-help books for much of this.  They are always touting (even I do it) the efficacy of communication.  Speaking up for yourself and getting yourself heard.  The only problem is many readers don't get the whole idea. 

If you want to be heard you have to speak up in a way that will get you heard.  This means using tact. 

Let me clarify; tact isn't sugar coating something or editing it until it has no meaning.  Tact comes from the Latin word meaning "to touch."  What it allows you to do is truly touch the other person with your meaning.  Synonyms are discretion, judgment, skill, perception, discernment.  In other words, you use your skills, judgment, and perceptions to say things in such a way your partner can hear and understand you.

Sometimes this means being really straightforward and blunt; however, not all the time.   If you use this one way to speak your truth all the time, you won't be heard all the time.

Your courageous work is to reconcile tact with truthfulness.  Think of being honest and being tactful as going hand in hand.  Be open in a skillful way so your honesty can be heard and your talks will have less troubles.

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Skeletal cyclops miniature painted by me- you don't want your honesty to be like being beaten over the head with a rock!

By the way, another awesome alliteration!

Losing it and getting it back- learning your boundaries.

With all the driving I did over July 4th weekend, I had many great lessons in the importance of boundaries.  As you may remember from this post, I sometimes get frustrated by fellow drivers.

Frustration is an indication I've lost my boundaries.  If I get mad and drive angrily then I've really lost them!  I am in an unhealthy state, and in the case of driving, probably unsafe too.

What do I mean by losing boundaries?

Remember a boundary defines you from other.  When something outside of you happens (a person cuts you off, your boss is screaming, your partner is upset) your boundaries should be naturally up and filtering things.  Remember the bouncy teflon shield?  That is your boundary and it always exists, but you need to chose to use it.

When you don't use your boundaries, you have lost them.

So when the person cuts me off in traffic I have a choice- do I let it affect me or not.  I ask the two questions, and they are both "No".  If I am being healthy I then don't let the other person's action or attitude in, I don't get upset, and I drive along safely.  In one of my unhealthy moments I forget, let it in, probably get mad, and I could act stupidly.

What does this have to do with your relationship?

When your partner is sharing with you or when they are upset your boundary needs to be functioning.  You have to chose to use it.  You filter and then have feelings about and respond to only the things you let in.  The rest belongs outside and is most likely about your partner. 

This doesn't mean you say to your partner, "That's all your stuff, I don't care about it" because you are really saying "I don't care about you."  Even if it is about your partner and not true for you don't ignore it.  Help your partner come up with a request that will heal the hurt and reconnect you two.

Your courageous work and this week's relationship resolution is to practice your boundaries.  Review the post on the question of boundaries.  Spend time visualizing and thinking about the concept so it becomes habit.  Healthy boundaries create healthy relationships.

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An Affair is an Affair is an Affair.

Too often I see couples in my office who don't realize (or won't admit to themselves) an affair is happening.  Sometimes one is aware, but the other is denying it because his/her definition of an affair is rigid and stereotypical.

I am here to clarify - it doesn't become an affair only when you have sexual contact.  Affairs aren't about intercourse or intimate touching - that's only one type of affair.

How do you know if it is an affair?

First let me define 'affair.'  An affair is any interaction that takes away from your marriage (or partnership) something that belongs in that marriage/partnership.  Things that can be taken away include but aren't limited to energy, attention, sharing, connection, action, consideration, intimacy, etc.  In other words - if what you are doing outside is something that belongs inside the long-term relationship, it is an affair.

This is especially poignant when that "something" is also not happening in the relationship.

Let's see what sort of nonsexual "things" can constitute an affair:

1. intimate phone conversations, emails, video conferences
2. sexting or sexual emails
3. long lunches with great emotional connection (including reminiscing or venting)
4. sexual innuendos and compliments 
5. any interaction which you know or suspect your partner would be uncomfortable with.

That's another way to know if you are having an affair - if you suspect your partner would be unhappy if they were to see, hear, or know of the things you are doing or saying - then it's probably an affair.

And please don't try to fool yourself by saying, "We are just friends."  First, if you were just friends, then your spouse/partner would be welcome and invited to be involved in your interactions.  Secondly, you know if you are substituting your "friend" for something you should be getting in your intimate relationship.  Lastly, as my husband once said to a professional friend of ours, "If you can imagine saying and doing the things you are involved in, in the middle of your office in front of customers and peers without discomfort, then it is 'just friends'."  He's a pretty smart guy.

Your courageous work is to be honest about your interactions outside of your intimate relationship. 

• Do you take things "out" that would be better done "in" the relationship?  
• Do you substitute for your spouse/partner through someone else?  
• Are you connected more to someone else than your spouse?  

If the answer to any of these is "yes" then you have a decision - do you want to be married/committed?  If so, then you need to cut off the outside relationship and focus on healing your marriage/commitment.  If not, then you need to be honest with your spouse/partner and move on.

And I don't hold to the excuses I hear about affairs - I'll touch on those next week.

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P.S. The painting is a depiction of when Vulcan learns his wife, Venus, is cheating on him with Mars.  

If you look closely, you'll see Mars' head sticking out from under the table to the right.

Two important questions. Understanding your shield and how to use it.

You carry with you at all times a shield.  No, not one like the huge one in the drawing of Shaka, king of the Zulu.  Your shield is invisible, but even more protective.

This shield is your personal boundary.  It protects you and you chose what to let in and what to keep out.  I imagine it as a teflon shield I hold- things go "Splat!" against it and fall to the ground without sticking.  Even better is if you can imagine your shield having a little trampoline fiber in it that allows things to bounce back away from you. 

I know it is childish, but all I can think of is the rhyme "I'm rubber and you are glue.  What you say bounces off me and sticks to you." :)   There is a grain of truth in this ditty, though.  If something isn't yours then you should return it (emotionally and cognitively) to the person who owns it. 

What things do you chose to keep or bounce?  Here's a short list: emotions, thoughts, beliefs, interpretations, labels, ideas, goals, intensity, words, etc.  Anything about what you think, believe, feel and have as your being.

So, back to the shield.  You can open it and let things in or keep it closed and let things bounce off.  Again, this is your choice. 

How do you chose what to take in and what to bounce?

You ask yourself two questions:

1. Is it about me?
2. Is it true for me?

If either answer is "No" you bounce back off your teflon shield.  If the answer to both is "Yes" then you let it in and respond to it. 

Note the second question asks if it is true for you, not the other person.  That is the real question.

So, your courageous work is to ask yourself the two questions and make a choice.  As you build healthy boundaries, you will form healthier relationships and have a better life overall.

Do you have problems or struggle with you boundaries?  Are you really good with your boundaries?  DO you see others have trouble with them?  Talk about it in the comments.

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What are healthy boundaries when it comes to cell phones?

I truly want to know your opinions on this folks.  What do you think are the "rules" to cell phones and their boundaries?   I don't mean when and where you talk on one (which could be a whole other post) but in the phone as an item belonging to someone else.

Here are the questions (the assumption is the other person hasn't asked you to do these things):

1. Should you answer someone else's cell phone?  When is is okay and when is it not? (if ever.)
2. Should you look at another person's cell phone to see who is calling?   
3. Should you look at someone's texts?
4. Should you look at another person's call history?
5. Should you look to see who they have in their contacts folder?

I'd be really interested to hear your opinions and reasons.  Please comment below.  I'm going to share my thoughts and I'd love to read a give and take of ideas.

You see, as a therapist I'm constantly teaching people about boundaries.  I'm forever talking about what is appropriate and inappropriate boundaries.  I work on helping couples see when either is stepping out-of-bounds and how to stay in-bounds.

Breach of privacy is a boundary violation.  Period.  If you invade someone's privacy without invitation, you are acting in an un-relational and unhealthy manner.  Examples are going through someone's personal papers, reading their diary, reading their email, looking at financial papers, etc.- all without invitation.

So, in this definition, doing any of the things I asked about above are boundary violations.  They cross a line into someone else's personal "space".  In short, doing any of those things means you are being nosy, invasive and acting untrustworthy.  None of these things is good for a relationship.

I won't look at my husband's phone when it is ringing to see who it is.  If he is out of the room I just inform him the phone is ringing (or rang if he is out) and leave it at that.  It is not my business to know who was calling.  He respects my phone in the same manner.

When someone asks you to do these things, it isn't a violation.  Sometimes (like when he is driving) my husband will ask me to see who is calling.  He may even ask me to answer the call.  That is okay because he has given me permission to be in his personal space.
 
There are also times when there is an agreement that doing one or more of these things is okay.  For example, some couples who have suffered through an affair will have an agreement the phone is available at any time for review, but that is part of the healing process.

Another time it may be appropriate is if you share a cell phone.  Obviously, like a home land-line, the phone is then communal property.  If you pay for someone else's phone (your child, your partner, etc.) then you need to clarify the rules around privacy.  If you intend to look at the phone and feel it is your right as the "owner" then the other person needs to know this.

I regularly run into individuals who think it is okay to look at, answer, or read through another person's phone- especially if they are dating or married.  Because the cell phone is ubiquitous, they forget it is another person's private property.  In addition, they have the opinion "if he/she isn't doing anything wrong they have nothing to worry about."  It is still an invasion.  Imagine someone reading your most private journal or diary, even if there is nothing "wrong" in it.  It is hurtful and harmful and it is not good boundaries. 

If you want to look at someone's phone, you need to ask permission.  In addition, you need to respect their right to say "No" to your request.  They have a right to their boundaries.

This may seem trivial, but I believe the way you handle the little things (like the phone) represents how you handle the bigger things (like personal boundaries.)  If you disrespect your partner's phone privacy, you are more likely to have poor boundaries elsewhere.  You are more likely to be un-relational in other ways.

Well, you have now heard my thoughts on this matter, what do you think?  What are the "rules" to cell phones and their boundaries?

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Top Ten Reasons to Talk with a Therapist

Often I have people ask me why someone would come see a therapist.  I'm always a little surprised because I know how helpful counseling can be.  However, I created this little list to help people understand why they may chose to call someone like me.

Note: this is not a funny top ten, but a serious one.

Why would you go to a therapist?

1.  You have a concern, question, or problem that you want to talk to someone about.  The act of talking is healing, and talking to a professional is often very helpful.  In addition, you may find the feeling of accountability is motivating.

2.  Your family or friends have encouraged you to find someone to talk to (other than them.)  Sometimes your support system isn't trained or prepared for what you are struggling with.  If they are suggesting you see someone, it is important you listen.

3.  You feel you aren’t functioning at the level you would like to be at in some part of your life (or a large part of your life.)  You know yourself, and you know when you are "off."  Pay attention to that feeling and get yourself back "on."

4.  A medical professional has suggested or given you medication for anxiety, depressed mood, or some other concern affected by emotions and thoughts.  Studies have shown again and again that medication works best when paired with counseling.

5.  You want to learn more about yourself, your life, your relationships, or anything!  Counseling is a great way to learn things you can't learn in a regular classroom.  It also gives you direction in your searches.

6.  You feel you’ve lost sight of your vision or self and need to redevelop your roadmap.  Sometimes you get lost on your trip of life.  It is tough being directionless, and a good counselor can help put you back on your path.

7.  You are in some sort of crisis, pain or conflict.  Enough said.

8.  You are ready to explore a deeper connection to yourself and others.  Often you have not learned the skills you can use to go deeper in a healthy way.  That is not a disrespect of you, just a recognition that none of us can know everything.

9.  You want to promote in yourself and others feelings of confidence, competence, achievement, mastery, independence, and freedom.  Counseling is supportive and empowering.  It can help overcome feelings of low self esteem, indecision, inability, and fear.

10. You wish to reflect on your life experiences and continue to find growth and purpose in your life.  Sometimes it is very helpful to talk to a professional about where you life has taken you before today so you can learn how you'll react tomorrow.  The counselor can also help you overcome unhealthy habits and beliefs.

I say repeatedly on my website counseling isn't about being broken, wrong, sick or bad in some way.  Therapy is about courage, growth, and learning.  It is about seeing that you can be different or better in some way- preferably in a way that makes you more you and more relational.

So, your courageous work is to be honest with yourself and decide if you can benefit from some good counseling.  Then go get it.  In addition, use my list as a way to open discussions with someone who you think could benefit from talking to a counselor.  It's not as scary when you have some ideas to work with.

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By the way, I chose to use my rapid painting of a unicorn 

because they were once associated with healing and removal of poison, 

much like counselors.

There's something about being sick....

Having spent the last few days sick in bed, I had lots of time to think (when I wasn't sleeping or groaning!)

The number one thought I had was I shouldn't eat lots of foods I'm not familiar with in a very short period of time.  My body was making me pay!

But that's like making changes in your relationship.  Do change thoughtfully and learn the skills fully like learning to like new foods.  However, if it is imperative to do something new, do it now.  I can eat a lot of unknown foods if my life depended on it.  You can make multiple big changes if your relationship depended on it, and it might.

The second thought I had was I need to not run myself into the ground.  I had driven from NJ to Upstate NY, then back; to two different picnics in Connecticut, then back; sold a couch, bought new furniture and rearranged my whole condo - all in four days.  No wonder my body decided it was time to stop!

You can do the same in your relationship.  Watch that you don't run yourself, your partner or the relationship ragged.  Doing too much, getting to busy can cause relationship problems.  Driving your partner too hard, too fast, with too much demand can push them away.  Like my body, the relationship shuts down to protect itself, and that's not comfortable. 

So, your courageous work is to slow down and live thoughtfully.  Don't overindulge in or become addicted to making change just for change sake.  Slow down and live thoughtfully.  Don't run yourself, your partner, or your relationship into the ground.   Take things slow and deliberate (unless your relationship depends upon some rapid work - then I suggest a counselor.)

Now, I have a date with my bed and a good book.

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Stop diagnosing and start relating!

Often clients come into my office and say things like:

• "My husband is a narcissist, that's why he can't relate to me."
• "I'm codependant, that's why I have bad relationships."
• "My child is turning into a borderline, that's why I have so much trouble with her."
• "My wife is depressed, that's why she doesn't like sex."

Or even better when one person in a couple points to the other and says to me, "See how _______ they are acting!" (Put whatever diagnosis you want in the blank.)

The first thing I ask the client is when they received their MD.  (If they are a doctor, I ask them when they finished their psychiatric residency, and if they are psychiatrist I remind them it is unethical to treat family members.)  You see, diagnoses can only be conferred by a doctor.

But what I really am trying to help people understand is diagnosing themselves or others is just another form of labeling, and labeling is a thought distortion.

What do I mean?

When you label someone (or yourself) most often you treat that label as the be-all-end-all of things.  You view that person as "only" that label.  It is a form of all or nothing thinking, and it hurts how you relate (to yourself or others.)

Not to mention it is rude.

In addition, look at the statements above.  Do you see a pattern?

The diagnosis is blamed for problems.

Diagnoses are meant to be used for professionals to communicate about a cluster of symptoms.  It allows me to quickly express to a psychiatrist what behaviors and signs I see.  The diagnosis is not an explanation of everything, nor is it an excuse for the things the person is (or isn't) doing.

That's the other pitfall to diagnosing yourself or others.  You begin to use that label as a way to explain away things, to not expect more, to stop working.  Instead of addressing and changing behaviors and ways of being, you stop trying.

Your courageous work is to stop diagnosing (yourself, your partner, your kids, your family, your friends, your coworkers, and the world!)  Look at the things you can change, improve, or stop and do so.  If you do have a diagnosis, use it only to understand your symptoms, but move beyond it.  You (and others) are more than just a label.

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