Everyone functions with filters

You see what you pay attention to or think is important, and you ignore or forget the other things.  You are constantly filtering the input of the world.

This is actually a survival function.  If you didn't filter, you'd be overwhelmed and catatonic.  Some theorists suggest this is part of what happens in severe forms of autism.

What do these filters have to do with relationships?  It means you and your spouse have your own ways of seeing and understanding things because of your filters.

Example - when people learn I’m a therapist they think I’m going to analyze them.  It doesn’t happen all the time, but there is some truth to their idea.  You see, I am a therapist because of who I am; I’m not who I am because I am a therapist.  That means I have a certain way of looking at things which includes trying to figure it out.  That’s part of who I am. 

So, when I’m talking to someone, my husband for example, I have to keep in mind that I function with those therapy style filters and be aware of them.  I have to make sure I’m communicating out through my filters in such a way the information can get in through his filters (which are very different than mine, by the way.)

This means you may have to say things in multiple different ways in order to be understood.  Trust me, your partner is probably not trying to be difficult, they just are listening through their filters.  It is normal, and you have to find the way to get your ideas in past that gauntlet.

Your courageous work is to be aware of your own filters as much as possible.  How do they affect what you hear or understand?  Recognize and respect your partner's filters, and find ways to get through them.

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Give a little get a little! Bicycling madness.

It's getting to be that season.  Not Summer -- the season of bicycling madness.  I don't know about the rest of the country, but as the weather warms here the roads fill with cyclists who have no idea about the rules of the road.  Yet, they insist they have the right to be on the road like cars.

I don't have a problem with them riding, I take issue with their lack of manners.  They clump in huge masses on back roads, pedal through red lights, and ignore stop signs.  On small twisty country roads this is not only rude, but dangerous.  I have lost all respect for cyclists (especially ones in tight racing outfits.)

This brings me to my relationship point: you can't expect someone else to do something if you aren't willing to do it yourself.  For example the bikers want to be given the right  of the road, but they aren't willing to stop at signs/lights or ride in single file.  "We are traffic too," they cry.  They want the rights without the responsibilities.  They want to be respected without giving respect.

It's true in your relationship.  If you want your partner or spouse to be respectful, but you aren't willing to be respectful yourself, how can you really ask for it? 

We used to have a joke about respect when I was younger.  Someone would say, "I don't get any respect," and the response would be "Give a little, get a little."  Said jokingly, but it is oh so right.

It's true not just with respect, but any other thing you want from your spouse.  If you want your spouse to share with you, but you withdraw and don't share yourself; how can you expect them to talk?  If you want your partner to be responsible, but you are an irresponsible nag; do you think they'll step up? 

Your courageous work and this week's relationship resolution is to give a little to get a little.  If you want some action or attitude from your partner, make sure you are giving that same thing to them.  And don't forget to ask as well.

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All or nothing - living in the extremes (or not really living!)

I have the distinct pleasure of facilitating an eating disorders support group.  It is filled with a fantastic group of people who are strong, caring, and intelligent (but they often don't realize that about themselves.)

This past weekend, the topic of all or nothing thinking came up.  People with eating disorders often fall into these extremes of thinking, but they aren't the only ones who struggle with this sort of distorted thinking.

What do I mean by all or nothing thinking?

It is also known as black and white thinking.  Here you view yourself, the world, or others in absolute categories, either one way or another with no middle ground.  All or nothing thinking is like a circle split in half, one side black, other white - like those black and white cookies.  The opposite is the healthy yin/yang symbol which has a dot of black in the white and a dot of white in the black.

Here are some ways you can know you are in black and white:

1. You catch yourself saying "always" or "never"  
2. You try to make yourself or something perfect  
3. You use words like "bad" or "good" to refer to yourself, another or a situation
4. You refuse to see or admit there is a middle ground in an argument
5. You cannot recognize subtle feelings and search for intense versions of them

When you distort your thoughts it has a negative effect on your life.  The problem with this pattern of negative distortion is it is, well... distorted!  All or nothing thinking doesn’t reflect a neutral and more realistic view of things.  The thoughts feed off one another.  Negative thoughts create negative moods and often bad behaviors.  You disconnect from yourself and others.

Disconnection is the effect of the negative stories you tell yourself.

Let me return to the group I ran.  When they aren't "perfect" at something, they put themselves down.  They feel increasingly badly about themselves because of all the mean things they say internally.  They "should" all over themselves with ways they "should" be.  This leads to high levels of discomfort, sadness, and often anger.  Those feelings get intense, and the person does something to relieve them - usually something unhealthy.

Unfortunately, the unhealthy behaviors start the cycle over as they beat themselves up about "messing up."

The same happens in your relationship.  If your relationship isn't "the way it should be" or "perfect" you begin to think negatively about it.  These thoughts lead you to have unhappy feelings about your relationship.  These feelings of sadness, discomfort, or anger are followed by actions which hurt the connection to your partner.  You withdraw or lash out trying to relieve how badly you feel.

It doesn't help and often makes things worse.

So what do you do about all or nothing thinking? 

The first step in challenging distortions is recognizing they are happening.  As you begin to recognize black and white thinking is happening, you can choose if you want to continue to think that way.

Your courageous work is to recognize and then challenge your extremes in thinking, specifically all or nothing thoughts.  Make it a choice rather than unconscious.  If you choose to break your cycle, you can use the following tactics to help:

• Ask yourself what the result will be if you continue to view things that way.  Walk it through to the end: how you'll feel, how you may act, what the consequences will be.
• Look at the thought- question whether it is in your best interest and does it get you what you want ultimately?  Then decide what thoughts and actions will take you in your preferred directions.
• Talk to yourself the same way you would a best friend.  You wouldn't say those extreme things to your friend!

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The BIGGEST Mistake You Make when Listening to Your Partner

Listening is a skill.  Unfortunately, it is a skill few have.

Even those who have the knack of listening often make a big mistake... they don't understand correctly.  I usually see men making this mistake, but women aren't exempt.

What do I mean they don't understand?

Well, when you listen you often focus on the bottom line -  what it is you need to do.  You jump immediately to the request the speaker makes (if the speaker is communicating correctly.)  You even agree to the request and offer to do more.  Aren't you  confused and upset when your spouse still isn't happy?

And they shouldn't be happy because they are truly unheard.

Why?  Because you didn't express your understanding of the speaker.  You grasped the request, but you did not get where the speaker is at.  You left out the step of paraphrasing to express understanding.

Believe me, showing you comprehend the speaker is more important than agreeing to the request.

For those who are focused on solution - the first step in any answer is to understand the person talking to you.  We say this about customers; learn what they are feeling and you can offer them what they want or need.  The same holds true with your spouse or partner.  You need to value where they are coming from before you try to fix anything.

Your courageous work is to listen to understand the speaker, not just the bottom line.  Make sure you express to your partner or spouse that you heard them and how you understood them.  Don't jump immediately to solution; focus on their feelings and interpretations first.

You'll be a much better listener, and your partner will truly feel heard.

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New Look! And something funny to share.

I've edited the look of the blog for easier reading.  I hope you like it.  Soon I'll be announcing the launch of my new and improved website which will become the home of this blog, too.

Keep your eyes peeled, and thanks for reading, folks!

Quick hint: Find something funny or cute to share with your partner each day. It will bring you closer and lighten you both up.


If you can't think of something here's a joke to make you smile:

• A mild-mannered man was tired of being bossed around by his wife so he went to a psychiatrist. 
  
   The doctor said he needed to build his self-esteem, and so gave him a book on assertiveness, which he read and finished by the time he reached his house.
  
   The man stormed into the house and walked up to his wife.
  
    Pointing a finger in her face, he said, "From now on, I want you to know I am the man of this house, and my word is law! I want you to prepare me a gourmet meal tonight, and when I'm finished eating my meal, I expect a sumptuous dessert afterward. Then, after dinner, you're going to draw me my bath so I can relax. And when I'm finished with my bath, guess who's going to dress me and comb my hair?"
  
    "The funeral director," said his wife.

Guess which relationship rules this guy broke!  Keep smiling.  :)

Be Specific. Wishy-washy, unclear requests won't be met.

Often clients complain that even though they ask for things from their partner, those things aren't done.  When I dig deeper I learn the reason - the requests aren't specific enough.

You may say something like:

1. I want my parents be supportive of me.
2. I want my husband to show he loves me.
3. I want my wife to be nice to me.  

But if you say those statements generally (as written above), the other person doesn’t know what you mean.  You need to be specific and give examples. 

Here's where it falls down.  You make a request of your parents; "Mom and Dad, I need your support while I'm struggling."  Your parents are supportive by pushing you to succeed when you want them to be empathic.  They think they are being supportive! 

You don't. 

You have to let them know what “support” means to you.  “Hey when I’m struggling what I need from you is ______________ .”  Give multiple ideas and examples. 

You need to tell your spouse what "loving" or "nice" looks like to you.  Don't expect them to read your mind.  Don't say to yourself, "If he/she really loved me he/she would know what I want."  They love you, but they don’t read minds.  They have to learn what you want from you and you have to say it! 

And they have to hear it more than once.  When you were a kid you learned through repetition.  Remember when you learned multiplication?  Unless you were a savant, a math genius, or my husband you didn’t learn them the first time you heard them.  You had to do flash cards, reread the tables, or practice them. 

The same happens with your spouse (and you) when you learn something new.  So repeat your request in multiple ways.  It is important.

So this week's relationship resolution and your courageous work is to be specific.  Make sure you give examples then lather, rinse, repeat.

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Discomfort doesn't delay delightful differences

Are you aware how important discomfort is in your relationship?
Are you afraid to let your partner or yourself be uncomfortable?
Do you go to great lengths to make sure everything seems fine?

Then you are making a big mistake.

Discomfort has a message and is a motivator.  If you "save" your loved ones from being uncomfortable, they cannot grow or learn.

Years ago I had a teacher who said, "It is a poor mother who always saves their child."  As a teen I didn't always understand her sentiment, but I knew what she was getting at; she was preaching responsibility.  She was saying children need to see and experience all the consequences of their behaviors and choices.  That is how they learn to survive in the world, and the parent who kept them from this was not doing them a favor.

It took me many more years to understand her statement on a deeper level.

You see, if you are not uncomfortable, you don't make changes.  If you keep your partner from feeling the discomfort of your unhappiness with something, then they have no motivation to change.  If you want your relationship to change you have to feel your discomfort and let your partner feel the discomfort so you both can find the motivation to change. 

Somewhere someone said, "You only change when the pain you are in is great enough to overcome the pain of making the change."  In other words, no discomfort means no change.  It makes sense; why change if you are comfortable?

So your courageous work is to stop "saving" the people around you.  Don't save your children from reasonable consequences for their behaviors.  Don't keep your partner happy when you aren't (because you are destroying your relationship.)  Respect the people around you enough to let them have all their feelings, comfortable or not.  You'll be delighted at the progress you and yours can make by being a little uncomfortable. 

By the way, this is another Alliterative A-Z for Rewarding Relationships- suggest more here!

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Give your partner a little time for the win-win!

Have you ever wanted something, think it's a great idea, asked your partner, requested an immediate answer, and got a "No"?  Were you confused because you knew it was a good idea and couldn't see how your partner would say no?

You made a cardinal mistake.  You didn't wait.

When you have an idea, request, change you'd like to make in the relationship or your living situation, give your partner time to think about it, live with it, come to a decision.  Don't forget, you have probably been thinking about your change/idea for a while before you brought it up.  In fact, you probably went through a whole host of permutations before you settled on a final idea. 

But you are springing it on your spouse and expecting them to buy it from whole cloth in the first presentation.  No wonder they said no.

Personally, I need to noodle a new idea, let it percolate before it becomes coffee!  I need to let it become my own, to sink in and fit me.

I used to do this with my father; I called it stealth bombing.  I'd make a comment about a possible idea, put no attachment on it, and wait a few days.  If it was a good idea, my father would come back and suggest we do it.  He'd often act as if he had thought of it, and I was okay with that. 

Why?  Because to me it was getting the idea done that mattered, not being "right."

You can easily give your partner the same courtesy of time to think.  Start your discussion with phrases like:

• "I've been thinking about _________."
• "Have you ever thought about ___________ ?"
• "What do you think about ______________ ?"
• "We don't have to make a decision now, but I had this idea...."

And don't expect or demand an immediate response.  Let your partner think about the idea and listen to his/her suggestions or additions.  Don't be attached to the idea, be open with it so it can change and improve.

You'll be happier with your results, you'll be respecting your idea, and you'll be respecting your partner.  A win-win situation if ever I heard one!

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Avoiding conflict is a bad idea.

• Do you do whatever you can to avoid a fight?  
• Do you go out of your way to not bring up things that may upset others?  Even if they are important to you?  
• Do you "forget" to call someone who may be upset with you?  
• Do you evade a question and act like it wasn't said to avoid a possible confrontation?  
• Do you dodge a deep conversation because you fear it may get heated?
• Do you not reply to an invitation or fail to remember to go to an event?

If this describes you, you have a major problem.  You are conflict avoidant, and that's unhealthy for your and your relationships.

Now, before you say, "Hey, it's not good to cause strife or pick a fight!"  I want you to read on. 

I agree being argumentative or aggressive is not good for relationships, but so is being passive and avoidant.  It is worse than being a doormat; it is being elusive and irritating.  It is killing your relationship.

How?

One thing avoiding conflict does is send the wrong message.  When you duck and run you leave your partner feeling unheard, unloved, and uncared for.  Your evasions send the message you don't think of others, only yourself. 

In addition, no change or improvement comes about through ignoring problems.  Ostriches get the bony finger pointed at them as poster children, but if you habitually avoid conflict, you are worse than the flightless bird.  Problems only become bigger, or your partner begins to distance from you, as you duck and weave.

Unfortunately, your evasions usually cause what you fear the most, a blowup!

So your courageous work is to stop avoiding and start talking.  Answer questions, reply to invites, talk about things that are bothering you.  Stop evading and face your partner.  What you may find is the conflict you fear doesn't happen because you are stepping up to the plate, and I bet you'll be closer for it.

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Of course you don't feel love like you used to!

I often hear someone in my office say, "Well, I don't feel the way I used to when we were first dating."  And they mistake that to mean they don't love their partner anymore.

I'm here to tell you the truth.  You can't feel the same way for your partner 2, 10, or 20 years later!

Why not?

Let's look first at biology.  The main drive for all animals is survival (you are animals, just with more developed brains and psyches,) and survival includes survival of the species.  That means reproduction and all it entails.  The body is primed to encourage reproduction early in meeting your partner.  You both are chemically drenched which creates intense feelings (emotions are chemicals, people,) and urges.  That's what many call lust, and it is an integral part of early dating.

So why does it change if you want to create new humans?  Shouldn't you just keep lusting? 

Because you need to raise and nurture children.  You see, the chemicals change and become more about stability, building a life together, and nurturing rather than running around spreading our seeds.  As the chemicals change they affect our feelings.  Love becomes less about lust and more about being together, making a life together, and providing for the future. 

The good news is you may not have the intense chemical urges for your partner, but you can still love them.  Read on.

Secondly, let's look at reality.  Our society teaches love is an overwhelming powerful force we must feel passionately at all times, but that is not realistic.  Think about it, if you were to be in "lust" at all times, would you be able to function in life?  Remember that drive to be with your partner, thinking about him/her all the time, feeling like you can't live without them?  Is that productive for creating anything (except a lot of babies?)

The idea of overwhelming passion at all times is a fairy tale fed to you from the time you are a baby.  It is time to wean off it and take in real nourishment - adult love.

Real love is not about intense chemicals, it is about subtle and wonderful things.  It is knowing your partner has your back and you have theirs.  It is being safe even when you are vulnerable.  It is a feeling of calm when there is a storm outside in the world.  Real love is feeling connected to someone in many ways that aren't just about sex.  It is having all your feelings and being okay with them while you are also okay with your partner's.  It is a deep, ineffable feeling of tenderly caring for another person.

Your courageous work is to pay attention to and recognize all the different and subtle ways you feel love for your partner.  Desire, tenderness, closeness, acceptance, caring, intimacy, romance, affection... all these and more can build and define your love.  Someone once wrote "love is friendship that has caught fire," but remember, fire is found in a candle flame as well as an inferno.  Confront and put aside the childish notion the only love is intense chemically driven passion. 

Have real adult love.

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Telling someone how to feel is a boundary violation.

I say, I say, have you ever said to someone "Chill", "Don't get angry," or "Relax"?

Do you realize you are committing a boundary violation?  Do you know why I say that?

Well, remember my post about gates in walls?  I wrote how boundaries define who you are (inside and out.)  Those are your boundaries and you decide what to let in and what to keep outside.  This means you get to determine who you are, not someone else.

Who you are is defined by what you choose to think, believe, feel, imagine, and then do internally.  It is your internal world that is reflected in your external actions. 

When I was a kid we used to watch Looney Tunes, and my father's favorite was Foghorn Leghorn.  If you remember, Old Foggy knew exactly where Barnyard Dawg's teather ended; in fact, he had a line drawn in the dirt.  That line was the defining edge of Dawg's world, and Foghorn trespassed all the time.  I bet you do it too or have others do it to you.

So, when someone tells you how to be/feel/think, they are violating your boundaries.  Even a simple, "Chill out" carries a connotation of telling you how to be or feel.  The following phrases indicate an infringement:

• "Don't think that way."
• "You should be interested in..."
• "You shouldn't be..." angry/sad/mad/jealous/etc.
• "You ought not..." 
• "Be happy"
• Anything that indicates how you should be, think, feel, believe, or be motivated
• Watch for words like "should" "ought" "have to" "must" 

How do you respond?  Keep healthy boundaries and don't let it in.  If it's not true for you, don't accept it and you don't even have to feel anything about it.  You can gently thank the person for their input and remind them you will make your own decision.  Stay centered in your self esteem and keep healthy.

And remember, when you are tempted to tell someone else how to be, with hold your "recommendations."  Instead, encourage them to talk about their ideas, and if they ask you can share your suggestions.  Then it is not a boundary violation (at least if it is a suggestion, not a judgment.)

Your courageous work and this week's relationship resolution is to refrain from telling others how to be.  Also, don't let another tell you who you should be.  It is a personal decision what we are inside, don't step across that line.

Take a tip from Foghorn Leghorn and know where the line is and (unlike him) don't cross it!

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A few classic Foghorn quotes:

"That dog's as subtle as a hand grenade in a barrel of oatmeal."

"Now cu-, I say, cut that out, what's it all about boy, elucidate!"

"This is gonna cause more confusion than a mouse at a burlesque show."

"Pay attention to me boy. I'm not talkin' just to hear my head roar."

"This boy's making more noise than a couple of skeletons throwing a fit on a tin roof. "

"Go away boy, ya bother me."

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"Love is in the details." Like a painting!

I have to admit I stole the first part of the title... from a priest!  Actually, it was the theme this last weekend, and I've been thinking about it.

The homily reminded me of something an art professor, Gail Johnson, once said to me, "Art happens when you put in those last few details that make the painting work."  Gail was right, and I remember her words years after her death.  If you watch any artist at work, you can almost hear the *pop* that happens when the details finally add up and the piece transforms into art.  I've seen it happen in my own art work.

The same is true in relationships.

You see, love isn't about the grand gestures, hot beginnings or sweeping events.  It is about little details.  It is about remembering and following through.  It is about caring enough to tweak things until they are good, like a piece of art.

Love is:

• Remembering she likes her coffee black
• Straightening his collar before he leaves for work
• Making him chocolate covered strawberries for special occasions
• Leaving her a note to find when she opens her computer
• Reminding her to put on earrings before she leaves the house (my husband's job!)
• Doing things your spouse likes
  
• Making the time for your spouse

Like great art is founded on good composition, you have to put in the foundation of your relationship, but it is the details that make the whole thing sing.  The relationship building blocks are respect, communication, boundaries, and self esteem.  The details are the little things that make your particular relationship shine.  Like details vary in painting styles, your relationship details will be different than mine, but just as important.

Your courageous work is to discover the details that make your relationship *pop* and do them regularly.  Like good art means you have to learn to observe things, a good relationship means paying attention to it.  If there are details you want from your spouse, ask.

And may you create a beautiful and unique piece of art between you!

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Artwork from Gail's class, years ago in college.  That's the inside of my closet- a homework assignment.

Spring Cleaning- you house and your relationship

This post went out to those who receive my newsletter, and I heard so many compliments on it, I wanted to share it with you, my blog readers.  Enjoy!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I've been cleaning my condo and office the last few beautiful days.  It feels so good to get organized and freshened up!

So why don't I maintain it between-times?  Maybe I'm just human?  I get lax, stop doing, and forget organization.

In her beautiful book, Comfort Living, Christine Eisner shares six succinct tips for tending your space:

  * If you open it, close it
  * if you put it down, pick it up
  * If you take it off, hang it up
  * If you mess it up, clean it up
  * If you take it out, put it back
 
She notes, "You will be clearing a path that makes it easier to enjoy the small pleasures and relaxing moments that make a good life."

Usually it is the small simple rules you follow that make things go smoothly and beautifully.  Thanks, Christine.

-RELATIONAL SPRING CLEANING-

This week give a thought to the things you can be doing to tend your relationship.  Implement a list of rules like these:

  * If you want something, ask for it
  * If you like something, appreciate it
  * If you are stuffing it, let it out gently
  * If you are blowing up, tone it down
  * If you feel disconnected, reach out
  * If you see a need, fill it

Look at the things you need to change or cleanup.  At the minimum you should be doing regular checkups and cleanups in your relationship.  Throw out the unhealthy behaviors that have crept in; spruce up the healthy things you are doing.

And hopefully that refreshing, relaxing, and complete feeling will stay around.

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check out Christine's book at http://comfortlivingbychristine.com/