Stop negating, start appreciating

When your partner does something you asked, do you negate it?

Negating sounds like this:

• "He only did that because I asked."
• "It really wasn't too hard to do that."
• "She should do it more often."
• "It wasn't heartfelt."
• "He didn't really mean it."
• "It wasn't done right."

You may tell your partner how they did it wrong and what they need to do to "improve" their actions.  You may minimize the work they are doing.  You may not even recognize they did it.

How often do you think your spouse will repeat the behavior?

I'll take a bet with you they'll stop any behavior which garners such negative responses.  Heck, I'd stop doing something for my husband if he didn't even appreciate it.

So your courageous work, and this week's relationship resolution, is to recognize when your spouse is doing work.  Recognize it aloud with feeling.  Make sure they know that you know they did it.  And that you appreciate it.  Refrain from suggestions for improvement, comments on how easy it was, or a complaint that they should have done it earlier.  Just appreciate it.

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Picture, mine: so happy the butterflies are back!

Beating the Bullies.

I was just reading about a young man, Alex Harrison (16), who committed suicide after months of bullying at school.  At the end of the article one young lady said, "He would have been surprised at the response to his death" noting the long line of mourners that stretched down the street at his funeral.

I was struck.  How sad Alex died without knowing how many people liked and appreciated him.  In fact, he killed himself because he felt most people hated or didn't care about him.

Why is it people can say mean things, but they choke on being nice and appreciating others?  Why are the bullies winning?  What can you do about it?

I think one real way to combat bullying is to create a culture of caring.  Tell people often how much you appreciate them, that you like them, that they have a great smile.  Reinforce in the people around you how much they are worth and how much they mean to you and the world.

Think on this: what do you remember more, the negative comment or the positive?  Most people get stuck in the negative one, and easily forget or negate the positives.

That makes it so important to regularly reinforce the positives.  Overwhelm the negatives using positives.  Compliment people regularly, even those you barely know.  If I see someone with a nice smile, I tell them they have one.  If I love a color someone is wearing, I tell them it's a great color.  If someone has a nice voice, I mention it.  I may never see that person ever again, but I make it a point to reach out.

Can you?

Your courageous work is to create a culture of caring, not a culture of meanness.  Find reasons and ways to be positive to people.  Make it a point to give compliments and accept them.

Maybe there will be less losses to bullying.

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If you want to read the AP article about Alex, go here.

Politeness isn't Pure Poison!

Why is it people seem to have forgotten simple rules of politeness?

I've been lamenting this in the business field for awhile, but it also has crept into personal interactions.  Just the other day someone was supposed to come to our condo, and my husband and I stayed in waiting for her.  She never called or emailed to say she wasn't coming.  Despite the fact she was coming to buy a piece of furniture from us, and she wasn't a friend, it would have been polite to let us know she had changed her mind.  Instead she left us hanging.

It was rude, but all too common.

Lillian Eichler Watson wrote "Don't reserve your best behavior for special occasions. You can't have two sets of manners, two social codes - one for those you admire and want to impress, another for those whom you consider unimportant. You must be the same to all people."

Manners aren't only for those you think are important, they are meant for everyone.  I believe they are most important to use with those we say we care about.

So, how do you make sure you don't treat politeness like pure poison?  Here are a few suggestions:

• Of course, use "Please", "Thank you", and "You are welcome" unfailingly. 
• Greet people appropriately and make sure you recognize when they leave with a nice farewell.
• If you say you are going to do something, do it.
• If you are going to be late or not show, call.  Don't act like it doesn't matter or didn't happen.
• When you are with someone else, think of them.  Example, offer to help someone carrying packages.
• Pay attention to others, and don't talk incessantly about yourself.
• Hold the door for the person following behind you - male or female.
• Avoid swearing or crudeness - that's a way to insult the person you are with (and yourself.)
• Don't interrupt, no matter what you want to say or how important you think it is. (Something I am working on daily!)
• Do not belittle, gossip about, or put others down.  
• Engage your brain before you open your mouth.

Politeness and manners boil down to respect.  As Confucius said, "Respect yourself and others will respect you."  When you are impolite, you show you disrespect not only the other person, but your own self.  This lack of respect is a canker that will eat away at your self esteem and your relationships.

Your courageous work is to identify how you may be acting rude toward those around you and rectify the situation.  Work on being polite in all situations.  If you don't, you may find people avoid you the way kids were taught to avoid Mr. Yuck!

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Another Awesome Alliterative A-Z for Rewarding Relationships!

10 tips for great sleep and a better relationship.

This week's Relationship Resolution is about something most people either curse or take for granted - sleep.  If you've never had a problem with sleep you are lucky.  If you have had problems, you know how terrible it can be.

The National Sleep Foundation took a poll of 1000+ people and found lack of sleep is linked to increased feelings of anger, stress, and pessimism.  No wonder I'm writing about sleep on a relationship blog!

Here are ten ways to keep your sleep healthy (and by extension your relationship.)

1. Wake up the same time every morning, even weekends, regardless of what time you fell asleep or how well you slept.  
2. Create and follow a routine when getting ready for bed - teeth brushing, reading, stretching, prayer, writing, etc.  This also means going to sleep around the same time of night.  Your routine will tell your mind and body it's time to go to sleep.
3. Avoid alcohol and caffeine in the evening hours as they disturb sleep patterns.  Even though alcohol may help you fall asleep, it keeps you from the restful part of sleep called REM.  Consistent use of tobacco also interferes with sleep, so you may consider cutting down or quitting.
4. Make your bedroom conducive to sleep - minimize noise and distractions, comfortable room temperature, reduce lighting.  A television, even with sound off, will still keep you out of REM sleep set a timer on it.
5. Do not nap during the day as it reduces the quality and quantity of your sleep at night.  If you need to refresh yourself take a break.
6. Your bedroom is only for sleeping and sexual activity.  If you use it for other things you train your brain to associate it with waking activities and even stress.
7. If you are unable to fall asleep after 20 minutes in bed, get up and divert your attention to something relaxing in another room until you become sleepy.  Then return to bed.  This keeps your bed from being associated with restlessness or anxiety over non-sleep.
8. Keep active seven days a week and include all five aspects of yourself in activities (social, physical, emotional, cognitive, and spiritual.)  Exercise in the late afternoon/early evening to help deepen your sleep later at night.
9. Do something relaxing prior to bedtime so you can unwind mentally and physically.  A warm bath a few hours before sleep has the added benefit of raising your body temperature which will trigger you to be sleepy at bedtime.
10. Set aside time each day well before sleep to resolve issues/problems/conflicts.  If you go to bed without something resolved, remind yourself it can wait until the next day.  It is helpful to have a journal to write down thoughts, to do lists, and reminders before you go to bed so you aren't thinking of them as you try to fall asleep.

Your courageous work is to create good sleep so you can create a great relationship.

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Do it NOW! and save your relationship.

Do you know how many times I've seen couples in my office and one admits they didn't do what their spouse asked them to do?

The excuses sound something like this, "Well, I didn't want him to think I only did it because he asked," or "I wanted to wait until she forgot so it would be a surprise."

No, no, no, no!!

You do things when your partner asks because you care about them.  It matters enough to them that they ask, so it matters that you do it.  As soon as possible if not sooner.

What you don't understand is your spouse is looking for you to complete the requested task.  If you wait hoping they will "forget" they begin thinking, "He didn't care that I asked," or "She's never going to do it even though I asked," or "He doesn't listen to what I want," or any number of things accusing you of uncaring.

And face it, you are acting uncaring.

I'll give you a personal example.  A few years ago my husband asked me to put the toilet paper on the roll with the paper coming over the top.  I was surprised because John is far from controlling or picky about things like that.  I thought it was silly and didn't do it.  I wasn't very caring, and I brushed off his request.  A few weeks later John asked me again, and I asked him why.  He had a reasonable explanation why he wanted it that way (has to to with him being taller, etc.) and it made sense.  I started doing it immediately, and still do it.  To this day he will periodically recognize and thank me for this simple thing. 

To him it means I care enough to remember and do it.

So, instead of waiting to buy her the flowers she said she'd love - buy them today.  Buy them again later when you want to surprise her (probably a good idea.)  If it was flowers she asked for, don't buy her chocolates - do what she asked before you get creative.  If he asks reasonably that you create a budget for the household money, spend time immediately working on it (and involve him.)  Also complete it in a timely fashion rather than leaving it half done.

Why?

You show you care by doing the reasonable things your spouse asks of you. 

Your courageous work is to think of the things your spouse has asked you to do and start doing them - today.  If you think they are unreasonable, then go back to your partner and negotiate, but show you care and have been thinking about their request.

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Do you truly know your story?

I just got off of a great call with a wonderful person, Greg Lawrence.  Greg makes it possible for people to share their life stories with their family.  His business, Lifetime Memories and Stories, is a fantastic way to give a gift to your whole family (he's very reasonable and puts a lot of work into the finished product.)  In addition, he has a beautiful speaking voice, so he's a joy to talk to.

As Greg and I talked about the importance of sharing our stories (podcast link below), I thought I ought to share some of the ideas with you, my readers.

Firstly, why share stories?  Isn't the past just the past?

Well, no, it isn't.  Each day of your life you create a story to explain who you are, where you came from, and where you are going.  It is a tale, a belief, about yourself, your thoughts and your world.  This story influences all that you do.

In addition, your story is built upon the stories you learned from your family and others around you.  You build on the foundation of the past.

Why is this important?  Because if you recognize you have a story, you have a choice to edit it.  If you don't see your story in the context of the past and the now, you will miss important plot lines and patterns.

For example, you may see as you learn about your family that someone made a very similar choice to one of your major decisions.  You can see how it worked for them, or where they may have gone wrong with it, or where they went very right.  You can learn from the past to enhance and improve your future.  You may even be able to forgive yourself for something when you learn it has happened  before.

Learning from and about your history is an investigation into not only your family but also yourself.

A few suggestions when you are exploring your family history and asking others to share it:

1. Be patient - stories take time to tell; don't rush your source.
2. Be kind - if the stories have been hidden, they may be painful; be kind to yourself and the storyteller in the feelings sharing brings up.
3. Put aside judgment - don't be better than or less than when you hear the stories.
4. Be curious - try to understand the situations, the events, and the way things were; chances are the times were very different but you can learn a lot.
5. Realize stories are about successes and struggles.  They reflect humanity, not failures.  Remember we are only perfect at being human which is an imperfect state.

Your courageous work is to learn what you can about your family stories and see how it they are reflected in your current self and relationships.  Make choices about continuing a particular pattern or storyline.  Don't forget editing a story means both taking away things as well as leaving what is good.

Here's the link to the podcast and post Greg put up of our discussion.  

How to Ask Questions for Family History

Don't you just love his voice?

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Love is not a given.

I've been thinking, about love and how it is not a given. 

Just because someone says they love you today, doesn't mean that they'll love you tomorrow.  Just because you know you love someone doesn't mean they know you love them. 

Love is a growing, changing, living thing.  And like all living things it needs nurturing.  Love doesn't "just happen" or "just is."  It needs pruning, fertilizing, encouragement, the right soil, and training.  It does best when given sun and watering.  It deserves to be seen and enjoyed.  It develops, grows, and can die as well.

To keep love from dying takes work.  It takes action and speaking. 

I am reminded of when I worked in a hospital.  No matter what treatment I gave a patient, no matter what interactions I had with them, to the powers-that-be, nothing happened until I wrote it down.  It took both the action and the words to make sure something "happened."

Love it like that.  You must marry matching actions and words.  You can't expect your partner to "know" you love them purely from your actions.  You must say the words, "I love you," "I missed you," "I want to be with you," "I enjoy spending time with you," and the list goes on. 

Of course your actions must match these words.  You can't say "I love you" and then act disrespectful of you your partner.  You can't say "I care" and then act like you don't.  Prune those behaviors from your life.

This is how you nurture your love and make sure it'll be alive tomorrow.  This is how you make sure your loved one feels loved and knows you love them.  This is also how you make yourself lovable to your partner.

Your courageous work is to nurture your love.  Do you need to express it more in action or words?  Then do so.  Ask your partner how they'd like to see and experience your love, then do those things for them.  Tell your partner what you would like as well.  Lastly, prune unloving words and actions from your life.

 

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Forgotten keys and relationship hints.

Why is it that I remember my keys just as the door snicks shut?  It happened to me last week; I walked out of my condo without my house keys.  John was still asleep and I didn't want to wake him, so I went to my office and called him later in the day to make sure he'd be home when I go there.  He was amused, and so was I.

However, it got me thinking about all the things we think of when it's just too late.  Have you ever

• Made a comment and wished you could call it back as it leaves your mouth (or later)?
• Replied to an email only to realize you replied to the wrong person (I did, boy was I embarrassed!)
• Stormed out in a fight only to cool down and realize you were wrong?

That's when you wish you had a time machine and could go back to stop yourself, but that just isn't going to happen.

So, how do you deal with this human fallibility? 

You practice the healthy behaviors so they can be second nature and you'll be less likely to slip.  As you practice the healthy things, your "remembering" of the better behavior comes closer and closer to the time you need it.  In other words the time between opening your mouth and "oops!" gets shorter.

For example, if you have made a comment you later regret, practicing healthy communication skills will help second thought come closer and closer to the first impulse.  Ultimately, what happens is the second thought comes before you open your mouth and you get the chance to choose if you want to make the comment.

How to address the above examples?  Like this:

• For the comment, get into the habit of taking a deep breath after someone shares with you and before you speak.  This slows you down and allows the second thought to speak up if needed.
• With email, if it is an important message, put it in drafts, let it sit (for at least an hour and up to 24) then reread it.  Make sure it says what you want it to say and is going to the right person.  I highly suggest you not speak of deep important topics via email.
• With arguments, if you have a habit of storming out, talk with your partner when you are calm.  Set up a "rule" that either of you can call a time-out for an hour when you are not connecting with each other.  Don't, however, let things sit and "disappear."  They don't really go away, just return during the next bout. 

With keys, when we leave the house, we ask each other who has the keys.  Used to be we asked after we were in the hallway (and too late because the door was closed.)  Now we ask before we walk out of the door.  That's what'll happen as you practice your healthy skills.

However, like me, you'll slip at times because you are human.  Be kind to yourself and your partner for these slips.  If you are doing the work, they'll get less common.

Your courageous work is to implement the healthy things for your regular "oops" moments.  If you struggle with anger, put into place ways to divert it or calm down.  If communication is your stumbling block, then learn and practice (every day) healthy communication skills.  If it is something else, identify the issue you have, and institute healthy alternatives. 

The key is as you practice your healthy thinking and behaviors; they will become easier and happen more often, improving your relationship.  Now I just have to remember my keys.

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Faith and Focus Fuel Full Freedom

A few months ago I was fretting about my business and marketing plans.  I was feeling overwhelmed and unsure despite doing things I knew would most likely help.  I sat with my discomfort for awhile and two words kept popping into my head: faith and focus.

I realized I needed to have faith what I was doing was moving me forward and focus to keep doing what I had been doing even if there seemed to be little return right away.

I'll let you know how that works for my business, but I know it works for relationships.

You see, it is common to want instant gratification when a change is made.  I often see my couples get frustrated because they are making the healthy moves, but emotionally don't feel like their relationship is changing for the better.  They want to give up, lose faith and lose their focus.

If they are truly making the moves (have to focus to do it and continue doing it) then they will move forward.  I often see it before they do. (Like I saw the hearts in the tire tracks above.)  What they need to keep in mind is (like marketing) these changes take time.

Do you even find yourself frustrated with making healthy moves and getting what you think is zero positives from it?  Do you give up or stop doing the healthy things?  Do you lose faith?  Do you stop focusing?

Your courageous work and this week's relationship resolution is to keep doing the healthy things.  Have faith and focus so that you can keep moving forward to a freer, happy, rewarding relationship.

By the way, did you notice I also got in an awesome alliteration with this post?  I rock!

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Do you want a relationship or to be single?

The other night as I walked my dog, Thor, I overheard the following (rather loud) snippet of (somewhat graphic) conversation from an overhead balcony:

Him- "If I want a lap dance, I'll have one.  If someone has a problem with that, too bad."

Her- "Well, I believe if you are in a committed relationship, no one else should be rubbing up against your crotch."

Aside from being amusing, this snippet truly highlights the concept of relationship esteem and the problem some people have with it.

How?

To be in a relationship means you respect being in a relationship.  There are things that are acceptable to do as a single person that are not when you are in a relationship (like lap dances.)

"No duh!" my nephew would say, but so many people want to treat their lives as single when they aren't.

I ask my couples "What is it you want in this relationship?"  One day a married woman answered, "I want to do what I want, whenever I want without him hounding me about it."

I looked at her and replied, "Do you want to be married?"

Seriously, being in a relationship means there are now two of you (or more if you have kids.)  This means you have agreed, by being a part of the relationship, to take the other into account.  You acknowledge that now your actions will affect another person.  It means you respect them, consider them, and converse with them about plans and intentions.

So you don't pull large amounts of money out of the savings to buy something big for yourself before talking about it.  You could do that if you were single because it only impacts you.  You don't make Holiday plans ("we're going to my family's house") without open discussion.  You share and create together plans for things like job changes, moves, finances, vacations, children.  You show respect to yourself and your partner.

This isn't a control issue (like you are being controlled by having to "check in"); it is a sign of respect.  It isn't about no longer having fun (because you can); it is about appropriate spontaneity.

Your courageous work is to confront any lingering single behaviors that are stumbling blocks in your relationship.  Reframe your life as a choice to be sharing with and respecting this wonderful other person, your partner.  It does actually add to your life.

And if you want to act like you are single, then be single.  That's okay, too.

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Family time and Easter Eggs... Practicing Counter-Intuition

Taught my nieces and nephew how to make Ukrainian Easter eggs today (psanky.)  They are beautiful and somewhat difficult to execute.

The most difficult thing for people to understand about making these eggs is they are made "backwards."  In other words, you create them from light to dark.  In a batik process, you put wax on a color (to protect and hold it there) then dye the egg darker, put on wax, dye, wax, etc.  Until you reach the darkest color (often black.)  Then you melt all the wax off and see the beautiful colors.

This "backward" technique is counter-intuitive to most people who are used to putting black letters or lines onto a white page.  Surprisingly, the kids grasped it quickly.  Probably because they didn't have any preconceived notions of how it "should be."

So, your courageous work is to challenge those things you take for granted as "should be" and ask if there is another way of looking at things.  Is there another way to connect with your partner?  Is there a different way to understand where he or she is coming from?  Can you explain your own thoughts and feelings in a different way?  Step off the expected path and play with counter-intuition.

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Be clear on what you ask! Relational resolution #14.

The other day I was riding in the car with my husband.  We had had a disagreement the night before, and I was thinking about it.  I looked over at him and asked, "What are you thinking about?"

Bless my hubby, he's very truthful and literal.  He answered, "I was thinking about the gas mileage of the car."  I have no doubt that was exactly what he was thinking about.

Now, years ago, I would have gone off in my head.  The internal tirade would have looked something like this:  "Gas mileage?!  How could he be thinking about that?  We had a fight last night.  He's ignoring that it even happened.  I'll bet he hasn't even thought about what happened!  He's going to act as if everything is okay.  He always does this - he always avoids..." and on and on.  I would have gotten myself angry and frustrated. 

Notice I said I got myself angry and frustrated.  I made myself feel that way because of the thoughts I was entertaining.

But is wasn't John's fault - it was all my own.  He answered the question I asked him.  I just didn't ask him the question I wanted answered.

You see, I needed to say, "I've been thinking about last night.  Can we talk about it?" or even "What have you been thinking about last night's disagreement?"  Those questions were what I really wanted to know the answers to.

As my Dad always used to say to Mom, "I can't read minds."  John can't know what I mean by a vague question; I have to be more direct and clear.

So this week's relational resolution and your courageous work is to be clear.  If you want to know something, ask directly.  If you want to talk about something, say so.  Don't expect your partner to read your mind.

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great image from here