Enough is too much! I wanna singa....

The other day I was watching a collection of Loony Toon cartoons, and it was a blast!  There were classics like "What's Opera Doc" ('kill the wabbit, kill the wabbit'!) and some of my favorites.

The one that stands out though, is an older one (1936) about a family of owls.  Pappa Owl is a classical music teacher who hates jazz.  When his children are born all but one appear to be headed toward classical greatness.  The last one is a swinging jazz singer.  Upon learning of their last child's "deformity" Momma Owl faints and Pappa Owl assures her "Don't worry Momma, we'll teach him to sing how we want him to sing."  I won't ruin the rest of the cartoon, but it does have a happy ending.

Why am I writing about cartoon owls?  Well, it struck a cord when I realized I'd tweeted the following quote,

"Patterning your life around other's opinions is nothing more than slavery." 

Lawana Blackwell

You see, the young owl was being expected to pattern his life around another's opinion, and he was trying to follow that expectation.  Despite wanting to "singa" he kept plugging along "singing" appropriately.  How many of you do the same in your relationship?

Do you?

• Have a particular job because it is expected of you (by family, by spouse, by society?)
• Bite your tongue on things you need to say because "if you can't say something nice..."?
• Take whole hog what someone tells you as "the truth" and don't scan for your own truth?
• Act in certain ways because you think your partner or someone else expects it of you?
• Do things, make plans, have goals because they are the expected "way to be"?

As Pappa Owl says "Enough is too much!"  Stop trying to be "enough" for others and be "enough" for yourself first.  This is not selfishness; it is survival.  Just as they tell you on the plane to put on your own oxygen mask before helping someone else, you need to be yourself before trying to fit anywhere else.   


Your courageous work is to define yourself individually and then within your relationship.  Know who you are, and fit that into a healthy relationship with your partner.  You'll both want to "singa."

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Image of Owl Jolson from here.  You can hear him singa there too!

Fixing your relationship is like being in a rock tumbler

This weekend I finished polishing a barrel of rocks; it's one of my hobbies - tumbling stones until they are smooth, shiny, and beautiful.  As I pulled them out I began thinking how tumbling rocks is like healing a relationship; there are stages to each and none can be skipped.

In the first stage of tumbling, the rough rocks are put in the barrel with a very coarse grit and water.  As the barrel turns the big harsh edges and very rough parts are worn away.  The basic final form begins to take shape, and the rocks become smoother and gentler.

The same happens in a relationship that needs to heal (I see it all the time in my office.)  The biggest changes need to be made - the roughest spots need to be gotten rid of.  This means addressing the major issues which keep the relationship from starting to heal. Addictions, abuse, disrespect, acting out, affairs, mental health issues - they all need to be taken care of before any other work can happen.

In the tumbler, if the big spots aren't dealt with the stones will not end up smooth all around.  They won't be easy in the hand or on the eye.  Like the rocks, the relationship that doesn't deal with the big issues first will always have holes and rough spots to contend with.  You will stumble repeatedly over these problems if only small ones are addressed and smoothed.

The next two tumble stages are all about incrementally smoothing and shaping the stone.  They prepare the stone in gradually finer steps for the ultimate polish and shine. 

In this stage of the healing relationship you learn and practice healthy relational skills.  You slowly practice and implement each skill and idea in order to smooth and make more comfortable your interactions.  You learn how to have healthy self esteem and relationship esteem.  You practice healthy boundaries.  You pay attention to listening and ask in a healthy way for things you need.  These skills, like the finer grit in the tumbler make your relationship better, smoother, and happier.

The last two stages of tumbling are all about the final smoothing and shining.  The rocks have lost their sharp edges, large holes, and rough forms.  They are shaped and show much of their inner beauty.  The final steps will make that inner gorgeousness shine out.

By this stage in your healing relationship you have desisted in the rough unhealthy things and started regularly participating in healthy skills; however, the work is not done yet.  You need to polish what you have, and that's a life long process.  Polishing your relationship means cherishing what you have and showing that feeling to your partner.  It means not only continuing to practice the skills, but really meaning them and caring about why you are doing it.  It means doing the little things as well as the big ones.

What I have found over time in my rock tumbling hobby (and in counseling couples) is if you skip steps or try to do it your own way, the finished product is nowhere near as good  as it could or should be.  I've had to retumble rocks that I thought I knew better about.  I've also seen couples who tell me (after months of work), "Yes, there is another bigger problem...."  All the work we did before was being stymied by this thing lurking in the background.

So, your courageous work is to start at the beginning.  Look at the big things you need to deal with in your relationship and deal with them first.  Don't skip to the end and think you'll have smooth sailing.  Let your healing be a progression so it can be a true healing.

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Put a swinging gate in your walls, please.

The concept of boundaries is one of the most important things I teach couples and it seems to be one of the hardest things for them to consistently do at first.

As a definition of self, your boundary, marks where “I” end and “other” begins, like a door defines room from hallway.  You have multiple boundaries.  The visible margin of your body is the skin, it holds you together and keeps things from getting in.  You also have invisible boundaries.  You have personal space which is how close you allow people.  You have verbal boundaries; this is how you prefer and allow yourself to be talked to and how you talk to others.  You also have sexual borders which is who, how, and when you interact with another sexually.

This post is about a less distinct set of precincts I call your internal margins.  These limits define your inner life from outside life.  (When I say life I mean thoughts, feelings, beliefs, and ways of being.)  These margins are like a swinging door which can be shut, open, or swinging.  If your door is working healthily, it is able to swing freely upon your decision.

Remember, a gate or door exist in a wall- that wall defines where you end and other begins and it is healthy.  However, you wall needs a door/gate.

This door has two jobs:

1. controlling things going out (holding)
2. controlling what comes in (shielding).  

The former is about what you think, feel, and believe.  The holding part allows you to decide how much you share.  You open the door when you share appropriately, and close the door when you chose to withhold information.  This door is actually protecting the world from you, keeping you from flowing out and overwhelming those around you.  This is the part of you that determines how much you share, who you share with, and when you do.  It holds you accountable and safely in your sharing.

The second job of the door is to keep you safe and shielded.  This is about protecting you from what is outside of you.  The door’s duty is to allow in the things you can accept as true about yourself, and keep out what is not about you or true for you.  It filters outside thoughts, feelings, beliefs, stories, and events. 

In other words, your boundary gate allows in and out appropriate things (plus keeps dangerous things out.)

When the door-margin is functioning well, it swings freely upon your decision.  Problems happen when the door is either stuck open or closed.  In either shielding or holding your door can malfunction.  You can have a totally closed holding or shielding margin (a blank wall with no gate.)  You also can have a nonexistent margin in either (a wall with an opening but no gate.)  Interestingly enough, you can have a blank wall in one margin and an open hole in the other.  If anything other than a swinging door happens, you will have difficulty in your relationship.

So, your courageous work and this week's relationship resolution is to put a healthy gate in your healthy walls.  Look at how you do or don't let things in and also how you share yourself.  If you see either your holding or shielding margins are stuck open or closed, begin to focus on fixing them.  Share more (closed holding) or share less (open holding).  Be careful what you let in (open shielding) or start to not let things in that aren't really true for you (closed shielding.)

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What important skills do you have that you aren't using?

All too often I meet with couples who have forgotten to just listen and try to understand each others’ truths (or facts.) They come unprepared to the table, and leave with unresolved issues.

Why do people prepare for a work meeting with an agenda and things to cover, but they can’t do the same in their (even more important) personal life?

Believe it or not, the skills you need at work are often even more important at home in your relationship.  You can transfer what you do well at work to your relationship and watch it improve.

Let's look at five broad categories of skills you need for work which transfer to your relationship.

Are you doing something about it?

Do you have someone in your life who complains constantly?  Usually about the same things?  Could be a friend, your partner, a family member, a colleague.  Got such a person in mind?

Now, do you try to help them, give them support and offer advice?  Are you empathetic, have a good ear, give words of wisdom?

Do they follow your advice?  Do they make any positive changes?

I'm going to guess usually not (if they are complaining about the same thing.)

Do you get frustrated?    I do.

So what can you do?  Be a good friend/partner/family member/colleague and set limits.

1. Let them know you are happy to listen to them, and you have noticed they are talking about the same problem(s) again and again.  
2. Share with them you are frustrated by this repeated discussion, and don't want to participate in it anymore.  
3. Tell them you would prefer to hear what they plan on doing about the problem and participate in discussions of their success or struggles implementing the plan.

In other words,

Let's get physical! Not just about sex, but it can improve it.

Wow!  After four days of cold driving rain, the weather finally broke.  It's great.  Blue skies, 68 degrees, very slight breeze.  Heaven.  Time to get outside and move.  A great time to reconnect with John, too.

Reconnect?  How?

Through 2010 relationship resolution #12 - Do something physical with your partner at least once a week (aside from sex.)

Yes, sex is physical.  Yes, sex can be a way to connect.  Actually, healthy sex should be all about connecting.  However, if sex is the only way you and your partner get physical, you are missing out on a whole aspect of your relationship.

You both are physical beings.  Moving, playing, action - all are important to you both.  By doing physical things together, you celebrate that physicality (not to mention help your health, emotionally and physically.)

What to do?  You can:

• go for a walk or hike
• take dance lessons
• play Dance Dance Revolution
• work in the garden or lawn
• go to the gym
• bike ride
• play tennis or raquettball
• go horseback riding
• surf
• ski
• take your motorcycle(s) out for a ride
• take karate
• do yoga or tai chi

The list is endless.  But you have to get out and do it - together - and enjoy.

An additional incentive - as you exercise (get active) your body feels better and has more energy.  This usually leads to better sex, another way to connect.

So as the weather is getting better, get outside with your partner and move.  That's your courageous work and this week's resolution.  And share in the comments the ways you like to get physical with your partner, please.

Now off to steal John away for a walk down the boardwalk!

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"I don't love you anymore" - Dealing with the ultimate blow to the gut.

Have you ever heard (or heard of) the "I don't love you anymore" gut-wrencher?  I've worked with couples who are dealing with this loss of connection, and it is always painful, sometimes devastating, and sometimes a blessing.

There are usually a few questions the couple wants answered.

Silence is Golden- when not tinny.

As a therapist, I learned early (in school, even) how important silence is for moving people forward.  I have lost count of the number of times I just sat quietly and something profound and insightful came out of a client's mouth; it works wonders.

Why is silence so powerful?

Part of the reason is because silence is so rare in this day and age.  You are bombarded by information from the moment you get up (and turn on the news or handle the kids or rush out of the house) to the second you return to bed (after setting up coffee, checking that last email, watching the evening news.)  Technology keeps up a constant chatter into your brain, and you feel you can't stop it.  You are on overload and I bet you don't truly realize it (you think it's natural, or usual.)

What happens, then, when there is silence? 

Take a Deep Breath (and save your relationship.)

I'm here to tell you that you are missing out on a great healing skill for yourself and your relationship.  I think it's so important that I'm naming it the #11 Relationship Resolution for 2010.

One of my professors used to encourage us, "When someone shares something profound, painful, or intense, be silent and take a deep breath.  It is respectful of the moment."  So that is the resolution:

When someone shares with you, take a deep breath before making any answer.

This does two main things for you and your relationship:

   1. It shows you are acknowledging they shared.  It shows you are taking it in, and (hopefully) thinking about it.
   2. The deep breath itself centers you and gives you a better chance to reply in a relational way.

Your courageous work?  Take that deep breath!

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Image from here.

Integrity isn't important; it is imperative!

I have been thinking about integrity recently.  It seems I'm hearing more and more about affairs.  Haven't we all?  Obviously, in my line of work I regularly meet people who are having affairs, and they all seem to have the same explanations.

• "It just happened"
• "I wasn't looking for someone."
• "My marriage was dead already."

They are just excuses, folks.  Really.

You have urges and impulses all day that you don't act on.  That wish to scream curses out loud at work, the urge to tell your boss off, the impulse to drive to the airport and fly to Tahiti (meet you there Mom!), that pair of shoes you didn't buy because they were too expensive, and the list goes on.

Just because you are attracted to someone doesn't mean you have to act on those feelings.

This is a message that has been forgotten in the current "I should have whatever I want" day and age.  There is a sense of entitlement that has snuck into our definition of relationships.  Somehow people have developed the belief that if they aren't happy, they should make themselves happy no matter what.

I agree if you are unhappy in your relationship, you should do something about it, and I strongly encourage you to do it with integrity.

Are you a selfish gift giver?

My husband's birthday is coming up soon, and I've been thinking about what I want to give him.  Then I realized I've been going about this all wrong.  It's not about what I want to give him, it's about what he wants to get!

Giving a real gift requires that you pay attention and step outside of yourself.  Too many people are actually selfish when buying and giving gifts.

What do I mean?

People tend to think about themselves when buying gifts.  Not always in a specifically negative way, but in how they chose the gift- selfishly.  Have you ever bought a gift for someone, then kept it and got them something else?  I do this!  Ask my husband about the fish pin for my Mom.  It's really cute, but she got something else, and I now wear the pin.  Or have you bought two of a gift so you can have one?

You are choosing a gift based on your preferences, not theirs.

Get real help, don't go to extremes. Resolution #10.

Just today I was talking with a friend about couples she knows.  She was complaining it seems the new "way to be" is to not communicate unhappiness to your spouse- or not do anything about the unhappiness.  On her fingers she ticked off five local couples who were experiencing troubles, but the only people who were surprised when things went badly were the couples.  The neighborhood knew they were in trouble many months (or years) ago.

One man had said if he left his wife she'd have no idea why, but he'd been complaining for three years to my friend and her husband.  He just hadn't been talking to his wife about it.  Sadly, he lost his integrity, had affairs, and he was caught.

Unfortunately, he's not alone.

I think this lack of communication is a problem of distortions.  People get stuck in all or nothing forms of thinking and they make poor choices.  Somehow they have missed the grays and can't take advantage of them.

What do I mean?

But out!! It is in what you say.

Remember awhile ago I wrote how you say things is important?  It's not what you say it's how you say it, your attitude?  Well, I don't want to give you the wrong impression.  What you say is very important too.

The words you speak and think with create the type of world you live in.  In relationship terms they create the impression you give and relationships you have.

One of my favorite words to "pick on" is the word "but."  I tell my clients to get rid of it.  Period.  No buts.

Why?

Well, do you know what "but" does grammatically?

Some people really irritate me. You too?

As those who regularly read my blog know, I do a ton of driving.  I actually like to drive; however, I do have a few pet peeves (just a few!)

One thing that irritates me is the driver who can't hold a steady speed even on the highway.  I come up behind them, pull into the left lane to pass, and they speed up!  I breathe myself away from road rage, and then think about it.

After I am calm I realize the other driver isn't doing this "to me"; in fact, they are probably only minimally aware of me.  Perhaps they saw me come up and as I went to pass looked at their speed and decided they were going too slow.  They sped up and didn't even think of me in the left lane.

If I'm on a back road, I normalize that people slow down on curvy, hilly areas and speed up when they feel safer and more confident.  Unfortunately, the safer areas are usually the straight aways where the passing zones are!  Again, it has nothing to do with me, specifically.

But is does affect me, and I choose how much.  That's why I breathe myself calm.

The same happens in your relationship.