Make sure you make a request! Resolve to request.

Have you ever told you partner in no uncertain terms how you feel?  Told them how what happened affected you?  Give them all the details and nitty gritty feelings you had?  Made sure you expressed yourself?  Even use "I" statements to say it?  Did you feel great after "getting that off my chest"?

Did you notice your partner looked like they got hit in the back of the head by a board?

It's because you are doing it wrong!

Wait!  How do I mean "wrong"?  Didn't you use "I" statements?  Isn't that right?  Isn't that what all the therapists and self help people say you should do?  Isn't that what I said here?

I mean you are using "I" statements but still speaking up for yourself incorrectly.  Really.

Let me give you a metaphor.  (Warning, graphic descriptive, gross image coming up.)  Have you ever seen a barf bag on an airplane?  When you let everything out (even using "I" statements) in a long tirade, it is like vomiting into that bag and then handing it to your partner.  You feel better because you upchucked, but your partner is now left holding the bag.  They now don't feel good. 

What's missing?  A request.

In my graphic metaphor, the request would be "please throw that out for me."  In your "I" statement, you need to end with a request- tell your partner what you want them to do with what you just shared.  Not vomit all over them and expect them to feel good about it.

This is where people get confused and sometimes self help is misunderstood.  "I" statements are positives only when used correctly; not as a hammer to bludgeon your partner.  "I" statement are supposed to keep you clean.  They help you talk about your experience while identifying what needs to be repaired and how.

So, your courageous work and this week's relationship resolution (#9) is to make sure you make a request.  Don't leave your partner holding the stinky disgusting bag full of your feelings and beliefs; help them do something about it.  That's the only way you'll improve your relationship.

Don't forget to share ideas with me via email (found on my profile).

Comments appreciated and replied to!

image from here

How do you play with your partner?

Back in the 1930s psychologists noticed children go through a series of stages in how they play.  Each style remains an option as the next develops  Here are four in the order they are developed:

1. Solitary play - the child plays all alone
2. Parallel play- where the child plays alongside but not with another one
3. Associative play- children playing and sharing together
4. Cooperative play- children with different complementary roles and a shared purpose

Why am I talking about this in a relationship blog?

Lots of Little Lies Learned too Late Linger - Awesome Alliteration "L"

An astute reader suggested today's awesome alliteration; go make your own suggestions here.

It isn't pretty, is it?  We don't like to think about lies, but we all lie at one time or another (even to ourselves.)

Let me take a quick step back and talk about lies in general.  Why do people lie?  To protect themselves.  Every human does it from children to our elderly.  When you feel threatened, you lie.  However, this doesn't make it right, or healthy, or even helpful.  Lies kill intimate relationships.

Lots of Little Lies Learned too Late Linger.  What do you think? 

Let's look at the first part of the phrase "Lots of little lies."  It's about multitude even though they are small.  Most people want to minimize their lies.  "It was nothing" or "it was stupid" or "it wasn't a big deal."  However, what makes it important to your relationship is the sheer number or the habit you have fallen into.  It may even be a habit of not keeping your promises.   

If you are lying regularly, even about little things, then there is a problem.

The next part, "learned too late."  It means...

You Talk Too Much!! Social media, couples, and resolutions.

The other day I was in a painful family meeting for a client.  What made it painful?

A few things, but what stands out is the father's drive to talk over everyone else at length.  He seemed to be trying to make multiple unclear points with no resolution.  When I interrupted him and asked him to sum up in two sentences he complained he couldn't do so.  In fact, he said I was "degrading" him by interrupting.

What he couldn't understand was my interruption was an attempt to help him.

How?

Do you react without even thinking or paying attention?

A wonderful woman I know, Indrani, wrote about an upsetting event recently on her blog.  Here is her great post.

Quick outline, a woman publicly slapped her young child for a very minor incident, and did so without even getting off the phone.  Indrani was incensed, but was afraid to say anything to the mother for fear the child would get even worse later.  Besides, as Indrani shared in a phone call, "I couldn't think of anything that I would be willing to say in front of a young child!"

You see, Indrani did what the woman couldn't be bothered to do.  Indrani thought her actions through and paid attention to herself, the situation, and the people involved.  The mother wasn't paying real attention to her child; just enough to react, not interact.

Which do you do with your partner?  Do you merely react or truly interact? 

What do you think your partner would say if I asked?

You see, interaction not reaction is the goal of relationships.

It's tricky. 

Being in a relationship isn't like having a cold!

The common cold, probably pretty familiar to everyone.  Especially this time of the year.  Yellow or green caplets, blue bottles of syrup, and multiple herbal and alternate remedies fly off the shelves of the local stores.  We want to feel better, now!

Did you know all those medicines you take don't actually cure a cold?

No, in the case of rhinoviruses, picornaviruses or coronaviruses medicine just deals with the symptoms and lets the whole thing take its 10 day course.  You feel better, but the underlying problem isn't gone.  Fortunately, the body is able to fight the viruses off after it creates the right antibodies, and the medicines make the whole situation more bearable.

It's not the same with relationships, and I see problems with this all the time.

Relationship Resolution #7- Don't forget daily compliments!

This week's resolution is simple, but oh so difficult to enact.  Give your partner a compliment at least once a day.

Why is that so difficult?

I don't exactly know, but I have half a dozen suspicions that I'll share.

Relationship Rules for Fair Fighting

I’d love to say Valentine’s Day will signal a month of relationship bliss… but unfortunately I’m a bit of a realist.

Instead of focusing on the 14th, I'm going to give you the 12.  A dozen “rules” to help you have better conversations with anyone, but your partner specifically, when you don’t agree.

1. Use “I statements”-  Make sure you talk about yourself and your ideas, not attack the other person.  In your speaking make a request.  
2. No name calling- This includes both 4 letter words as well as anything said with spiteful energy.   How you speak matters!
3. No hitting below the belt -

A bowl of change, how refreshing is that?

A friend of mine has a large crystal bowl in her apartment partially filled with random change.  Each penny, nickel, dime, or quarter were found as she went about her days.  She shared with me that she intends, when the bowl is full, to donate the change to a charity.

The cynic would say, "Won't be much."

But I think it's wonderful. (Can you tell I'm not a cynic?)

You see, she grasps the ultimate lesson

Relationship Resolution #6- Be Curious rather than Confrontive

This week's resolution was the topic de jour yesterday in my office.  I mentioned it to at least four different clients; therefore, it is this week's relationship resolution.

 What is is?

A good relationship is like a good haircut- Really!

I recently had my hair cut, and I was truly disappointed.  Have you ever gone for a haircut and when it's done it looks great?  Later when you wash it and do it yourself it looks horrible?  No matter what you do you can't get it to look as good as it did when the stylist finished with it? (or even close!)

Ever have that?

How about the reverse?  A great haircut both in the chair and for weeks afterward even with your simple ministrations?  It survives the day in and day out living with aplomb?

I've had both, and I share your frustration at the first and exultation at the second.

What does this have to do with relationships?

Cthulhu can't create caring connections.

Lovecraft's colossus of an evil realm, coming from the furthest space and bringing the deepest dread imaginable. That is Cthulhu.

It's no wonder I say it can't create anything like caring connections, but what does Cthulhu's inability have to do with us normal humans?

Allot.