#5- Share your vision with your partner

This week's Real Rewarding Relational Resolution is about visions, goals, wants, needs, and dreams.

Sounds good, eh?

What I'd like to encourage you to do this week is spend some time really looking at and exploring what your dream is for your future.  Get a good picture of it in one of three ways- verbally, visually or a combination.

Here's the basic structure...

Always acknowledge, amplify, apologize, articulate, and ask.

In the first installment of the "Awesome Alliterations for Rewarding Relationships" I thought I'd be mundane and start with "A".  Besides, I don't have a good drawing of Cthulhu for my "C" post, yet (I'm working on it!)

So...
Always...

Acknowledge.  Make sure you recognize when your partner does something good or something you like or something you asked them to do.  (This is true with kids, too.)  What you recognize and focus on will happen again.  Would you rather it be the good things or the bad?

Amplify.  Don't just "mention" the good things, amplify them.  While you give a compliment focus on giving it and having it be received.  Take a moment to make sure it sinks in.  What you say will be better heard and remembered if you do this.  Trust me, I use it all the time with clients- it works.

Apologize.  If you make a mistake, own up to it and apologize.  Don't avoid it and act like it didn't happen.  Don't wait to be caught.  Stand up for all your decisions and apologize.  However, apologies aren't just about words.  If you say "I'm sorry," but your attitude is "get over it" you aren't really apologizing.  Your remorse needs to be really tangible.

Articulate.  Open your mouth and speak your truth, no matter how uncomfortable that is for you.  Don't stuff your feelings or your thoughts- you aren't being fair to your partner if you aren't being you.  Take time to think about what you say and how you say it so you can articulate yourself clearly rather than confuse your partner.  But make sure you say it.

Ask.  Talk about what you want, what you like, what you don't like- and ask you partner to help with these things. Ask for help and be willing to receive it.  Ask the questions you want answers to.  Ask what your partner is thinking.  If you want to know what they are thinking about you- ask that.  Make sure you are clear with your questions, too.  

Your courageous work? Learn to acknowledge, amplify, apologize, articulate, and ask.  Oh, and go to the original post and give me more wonderful ideas for alliterative phrases about relationships!

Please email me with ideas or questions.  You can find my email on my profile page.

The awesome alliterations are inspired by this artist.

Too much trouble about Mr. Right and Mr. Good Enough

If you browse the web you'll find many posts about the need to settle for someone who is good enough and not waste time looking for the perfect partner.  I've even written about it before.

I truly believe (and have seen the back lash) that insisting on finding the perfect person who will make your life "whole" is a trap.  However, I don't believe in settling for something that is less than healthy, either.

The problem with many of the posts on the net...

The Problems with Porn.

Having written about hypocrisy, I have to write about porn. Many people like to say watching porn doesn't make a difference in relationships- claim it has no effect.

I see plenty of effects in my office.

There are two major ones...

Relational Resolution #4- Avoid Battles Over "Truth"

Ever said any of these statements in an argument?
"What are you thinking?"
"How can you say that?"
"Where do you get that idea from?"
"How many ways do I have to say this until you get it?"

Ever think like one of these?
"If they'd just listen, they'd see it my way."
"Why is she/he being so irrational?"
"This is just stupid.  They don't get it."
"My way is the best, why can't he/she see that?"

If you had any of these statements cross your lips or thoughts wander through your mind, you were probably stuck in being right rather than being connected.

When you get stuck in your truth and refuse to see your partner has their own way of viewing things you are disconnected.  Even if you have good intentions, you are stepping on your partner.  You usually aren't listening because you are so focused on proving yourself right or proving your partner wrong.

Hint: if you catch yourself waiting for your partner to stop talking so you can jump in and make your point, you are stuck in being right.

This week's resolution, and your courageous work is to stop trying to prove yourself right, and have a discussion.  A discussion is about give and take, respecting what the other person has to say even if you don't agree, and connecting.

Life is like beach pebbles

While I was walking along the beach with Thor, I looked at the worn pebbles on the sand. Some were still rough, others smooth and ovoid, and some were broken despite being worn. It made me think of relationships.

I know the metaphor has been used many times, but life is like being a pebble on the beach. You are constantly being moved, tumbled, worn. Events and currents flow around you, affecting and shaping you.

Unlike the stones, you can choose

You can't count on anyone

You can't count on anyone.  You can't hang your heart on them doing what you have asked them to do.  You can't depend they will be able to follow through.

Sounds like the lament of an emo kid, right?

Actually, it's something I'd suggest you think about.  It makes a big difference in your relationship.

Why?

You see, you can ask someone for something, and remember the healthy person detaches from the outcome of a request.  What I mean is, the other person doesn't have to do it, and you can't judge them for that.

What makes me think of this?

Relationship Resolution #3- learn from the monks

A colleague of mine directed me to the Winter Feast for the Soul, and I was intrigued.  Like most people I quickly brushed it off and said, "I don't have time or patience to do that."  Then I thought about it and decided it may not be a bad idea.  I may not be a monk, but I could use a little inner peace. 

Besides, I have a pretty poor life if I can't carve out time daily to increase my peace and calm.  (My husband would probably like the peace and calm, too.) 

Speaking of spouses, this Friday's resolution is in honor of the Winter Feast. 

Do social networking sites destroy marriages?

Facebook, Twitter, even LinkedIn- they are all about connecting with people, right? How can that be a problem?

When connecting becomes hooking up and you (and/or they) are married.

There are a few aspects of these sites which make them minefields for marriages.

Don't be a Hypocrite

I recently spent some time with a friend of mine in FL and there was much people watching to be had. We got to discussing what was attractive and sexy, and I commented on how difficult it can be to not be the size or shape most men consider sexy. He said to me (politely) "You are attractive."

I laughed and told him he was a hypocrite.

He was surprised, so I explained.

Relational resolution- #2- One I need to follow!

So, I was supposed to post a second resolution yesterday. Remember? Fridays are my day to write about them.

Didn't happen.

I fell asleep... for three hours... until it was time to go to bed... where I slept for another eight hours.

I had been going too much and not taking care of myself. My body took over.

That makes it clear I need to write about self care as the second resolution for this year.

Marriage ruins a relationship.

Does marriage ruin relationships or improve them?

The often depicted storyline in books, television, and movies is when people fall in love and get married, they live "happily ever after" despite all obstacles and differences. Somehow the exchange of rings makes every bad thing disappear and only the good shines through.

Sadly, this is wrong.

How do you answer the questions of joy?

The ancient Egyptians believed when they died, they were questioned by the god Osiris about their life. After being interviewed about what they did and how they acted, Osiris always ended with the same two questions:

“Did you find joy?"
“Did you bring joy?”

These two questions are a powerful indicator of the type of life you live. Take a look at your life as you live it now, can you say you have joy and are bringing joy to others? As you look toward 2010, and review 2009– how did you find or bring joy? Will you find or bring it this year?

Make 50+ Resolutions this Year- Really!

Happy New Year to everyone! I hope it is an all around healthy, happy, and prosperous year for all of you.

As I sit here on the eve of the first day of the 2010 I can't avoid thinking of resolutions. Make a resolution and stick to it for a year. That's the thing to do today, right? I'm actually not sure it's a good idea.