Perfectionism is the relationship killer... and a Holiday killer too.

 I've posted a few times about how trying to have the perfect Holiday is counterproductive.  There is no such thing except in the movies.  When you try to create a "perfect" Holiday and attempt to force others to be "perfect" you make everyone miserable. 

The same happens in your relationship.  Really.  Consider this quote by Dr. David M. Burns:

"Remember that fear always lurks behind perfectionism."

What is it you fear in the Holidays that you are pushing to have a "perfect" one?  How about in your relationship?  Here are some fears people have about both...

• You fear someone/your partner will not have a good time.  Face it, if someone wants to have a bad time, there is nothing you can do to change that.  If you do a good job as a host/ess then it is the other person's fault if they don't have a good time.  Remember, there are some people who never a pleased.  This is boundary work- the same type of work you do in your relationship.
• You fear someone/your partner will judge you negatively.  Yes, that's possible, but see the above comment.  There are people who are always judgmental, there is nothing you can do about that.  You keep your self esteem no matter how another person feels in the moment, including your spouse.
• You worry someone/your spouse will be mad at you.  Let me ask you why you are responsible for everyone else's feelings?  Who made you that important?  By trying to edit other's emotions you are being controlling.  They need to be allowed to have them, even anger.  You'll survive- their anger is about them, and maybe they need to feel it right now for some reason.
• You are afraid of negative feelings.  This is very common; many people fear negative emotions.  You have to ask yourself why that is.  "Negative" emotions like anger, sadness, jealousy, greed, etc. all have their place.  Each emotion tells you something about yourself or the other person.  Even over the Holidays these emotions come up - especially grief and loneliness.  Let yourself and others feel those emotions, cope with them (which is the big learning part), and then move on.  If you force yourself, your spouse, or others to stuff feelings because you are emphasizing perfection, be sure that emotion will come out in some nasty way.

Dr. Burns writes about what he terms the "healthy pursuit of excellence" as an alternative to perfectionism.  It is about doing your best without trying to control and determine all outcomes.  It is about having good boundaries (because you are only controlling yourself), good self esteem (because you are enough and matter no matter what others do) and being realistic (there really is no such thing as perfect!)

Your courageous work is to realistically pursue excellence this Holiday season and in your relationship.  Stop trying to make everything perfect and find the time to enjoy both.

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