Having Holdover Habits Harries Homestead

thanks for the alliteration @mildlyamused

Warning: I warn you in advance, this is going to sound like I'm blaming your family and parents for all your problems.  I'm not, this post is meant to help you think about what you have brought with you into your relationship.
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There is an old adage in couples' counseling that when two people finally get into bed together there are actually six people in that bed.  The couple and both of their parents.

Ewwww!

Anyway, it is true- when you form a relationship, you do bring your parents into it, no matter if they are dead and gone.  You bring what you learned from them, even the things you don't realize or notice.

Let me tell you a story heard from another therapist:

"One Easter I was preparing the ham for cooking while my daughter watched.  As I cut the ends off the ham prior to putting it into the over-sized pot, she asked, 'Why did you cut those pieces off.'  I stopped, thought for a moment and honestly replied, 'I don't know; it's what my Mom did, but she's here let's go ask.'  My daughter hopped off the stool and we went to find her grandmother.  When the question was posed to her, she replied the same as I had, 'I dont' know; it's what my mother did.'  Great Gran was holding court in the parlor, so the three of us went there to ask her.  'Gran, why do you cut the ends off the ham before cooking.'  She looked up at us and said pragmatically, 'I never had a pot big enough for the whole ham.'  My mother and I laughed; we'd always had big enough pots, but still cut the ends off without thinking of the reason why.  I never cut the ends off the ham after that."

There are times when you hold onto things you have seen while growing up, and you believe those things are "healthy."  Because you have seen them as a child, they are normal to you and you don't see any problem.  You are surprised if anyone even mentions them or even confronts you about those behaviors.

• People who come from loud screaming households wonder why their partner keeps complaining they yell.  (I have a friend whose older parents were mostly deaf, he talks really loud!)
• Someone from a place where physical violence was commonplace may think it is okay to restrain a person or shove them.
• A person who grew up in a critical and demanding household may demand perfection from their spouse and be disappointed when their partner is human.
• People who come from families who curse and put each other down can't understand when their partner tells them it hurts.  They think their partner needs to "get a thicker skin" because "my family did that and I turned out okay."

But you didn't turn out okay.  You have brought with you household habits that are now tearing your adult relationship apart. Even small things can cause problems: word choices, ways you respond to requests, phrases you use, nonverbal expressions, how you solve arguments.

There is hope, though.  I always say your past influences you, but it doesn't have to determine you.  You have a choice in what you continue to do.

Your courageous work is to look at the things you do and take a close look at your family's style.  Choose what you want to take with you into your new relationship.  Listen to your partner's feedback, that will give you a good idea of things you might be automatically assuming are normal.  If you think there are many things you need to address, seek professional help to sort it out.

You decide what type of life and relationship you are going to have now as an adult.  Stop cutting the ends off that ham.

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another awesome alliteration post!