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Thursday, September 2, 2010

Suggesting sex is no substitute for saying sorry.

A wonderful reader, Bethany, suggested this title for an awesome alliteration post, and I want to take up the challenge today.

"La Belle Sans Merce" or "Beautiful Lady without Mercy." 
She never knew intimacy because she never said "I'm sorry."
This is not a random topic; it actually came up in a session yesterday with a client.  We were discussing how one partner uses sex to make up while the other needs to make up before having sex.  Studies confirmed there is a gender bias in this, but I'll let you decide which one may be which.

What I want to talk about is the importance of being connected before being sexually intimate.  True intimacy is about celebrating connection not a way to create connection.  Many people make the mistake of thinking having sex means they are being intimate.

Have you ever been confused by sex because you think it means things are "alright?"  You are feeling great because you and your partner are now "okay" and then your partner tells you things aren't?

Pretty disappointing and perplexing, right?

It is because you were using sex to make up while your partner still wants to really make up.  And making up involves talking.  (I know talking can be scary, but it is very helpful.)  It also involves saying "I'm sorry."

You can say many things while doing the horizontal mambo, but few of those things are about how you'll fix what went wrong in the first place.  None of the words you utter, whisper or even shout are about what was hurtful and came between the two of you.  Nothing you say is about what one or both of you need in the future to be bonded.

Healing hurt, fixing actions, and making commitments are what remorse and making up are about, and all of them help create true intimacy.

So, your courageous work is to stop suggesting sex as a substitute for saying sorry.  Do the work of making up with words and actions, and you'll find your undercover work is much more satisfying.  Really!

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2 COMMENTS:

  1. As usual, a useful post. I like how you don't over complicate. This could easily have been 467 pages with 80 more for the notes. I appreciate you sparing us that. :)

    I just found this quote: When you chose a behavior, you chose the consequences.-Unknown

    and related Pun: I didn't remember how to throw a boomerang, but eventually it came back to me. #pun

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  2. Thanks Jim. I know it is easier to read and digest something short and to the point than chew through a wordy 467 page document. But if you want the book, feel free to ask! :)

    Like the quote, thanks for sharing it.

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