Resolving Conflict - lessons from a shipwreck

My husband once shared a metaphorical story from a management training class.

"You are shipwrecked on a deserted island.  In your broken boat you find a single tool, a hammer.  So, for the next few weeks you use that hammer for everything- chopping down trees, prying open coconuts, and even hammering a few nails.  Then one day you bump an unknown compartment in that little boat of yours and out falls a tool kit with screw drivers, pliers, utility knives - a full assortment of tools.  Would you continue to use the hammer for everything?  Would you use the pliers to pound those nails?"

Many people only know of one way to deal with conflict, but there are many ways and no one technique is right in every situation.

Here are a few examples of conflict styles, when they are good, and when you would be hammering nails with that screwdriver.

Thanks to @SmilinDani on Twitter for the topic!

1. Forcing- one person has the final say and all the control.  This is appropriate only if everyone has freely agreed to it or there is an authority figure whose position necessitates it (a boss.)  Appropriate if there is limited time ("Look, a fire, everyone out!")  Not good if there is a constant win-lose or people feel like their needs are always ignored.
2. Withdrawal- You avoid conflict at all costs and regularly give in while focusing on another's needs.  This works when the topic really isn't important to you (like ordering dinner.)  It is inappropriate when it leads to resentment or poor self esteem.
3. Peacemaker- You remain neutral at all costs.  Same positives and negatives as Withdrawal.  Not appropriate if you give up your control all the time. 
4. Assertive- You are responsible only for your own behaviors and don't assume others will agree.  You work toward a win-win without forcing.  There are two main forms of assertive response to conflict.  You may compromise- everyone gives something up to come to an agreement.  This is inappropriate if the final solution is watered down and doesn't really address the original issue.  You may also collaborate- everyone agrees who does what.  Collaboration takes allot of time and is inappropriate if you need a quick answer.

 As you can see, each of the conflict styles has a place in your life.  You can't sit down and compromise in a burning building but while making long range plans you may.  You agree to a level of forcing when you have a boss- remember Truman's famous desk quote, "The buck stops here"- the decision ends at the big wigs.  It is okay to withdraw if you really don't care about a decision or outcome (as long as you don't give your partner the impression you don't care about them!)  You can be a peacemaker as long as you still remain yourself.

Your courageous work is to decide which of these conflict strategies you are deficient in.  Determine which strategy is best in the situation you are in, and use it.  Are you using your hammer when you could put a screwdriver to better use?  Put that stratagem aside and chose the correct one.  It is a choice.

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