There is no excuse for infidelity.

As a couples' counselor I've heard a litany of excuses why someone thinks it is allowable to have an affair.  They often say things like, "I know it isn't right, but..."

1. "...we have to stay together for the children."  This one really confuses me.  So, you stay in a marriage you are so unhappy in that you are cheating... what do you think this teaches your kids about relationships?  They learn marriage is a dead thing that only barely lives for them (not for the couple.)  They build a skewed view of intimate relationships watching the stilted interaction between you and your spouse.  If they learn about your affair, then they may decide to someday follow in your foot-steps when they aren't happy in their marriage.  That's the way their parent did it, right?
2. "... we can't afford a divorce."  I have a friend who is filing for divorce at the hefty cost of... wait for it... $300.  Yes, that's right, you don't have to spend a fortune to get divorced.  The money is just an excuse.  (If you want to know what she's doing, drop me an email.)
3. "... I couldn't tell my spouse, it would kill him/her."  Ummm, don't you think your spouse knows you aren't "there" for them any more?  Even if they don't really "know" what is going on, they feel it.  You can't be connected to your spouse and be having an affair.  Actually, you aren't truly connected to either person, but you don't know it.  So, you stay in your marriage slowly killing and regularly hurting your spouse rather than standing up and telling the truth?
4. "... no one knows and no one will find out."  That's just lying to yourself to make you feel better.  People know.  They suspect.  They feel it.  Your children know you aren't really there for your partner, (if they don't, you've already taught them how to have an unhealthy intimate relationship.)  Your spouse knows on an intimate level.  Even your family and friends suspect.  And, believe me, it gets out ultimately.
5. "... I couldn't help myself, we just fell in love."  Take it from a couples' counselor, real love takes time to develop.  That being said, you may have fell in "lust" to start with or in "interest."  Maybe you had let your marriage get to a point where any "interest" felt like something great.  Folks, love doesn't just happen, you have to let it happen.  We all have opportunities and "interests" where we could take the cheater's path, but not all of us nurture those feelings.  Yes, you could help yourself.
6. "... if I get divorced my spouse will take everything I have."  Honestly, that's just selfishness on your part.  Everyone wants to have the cake and eat it too.  You want to have all your money, your "on the surface happy" home, the image of family with spouse and maybe kids, and you want the hot lover on the side.  That is natural; we want all we can get.  However, when your spouse finds out and divorces you anyway, they'll still take everything.

So, what is a person who is considering infidelity (or already cheating) to do?

Be honest!  With yourself, with you spouse, with all involved.  Don't try to take the "middle road" it's not the honest or healthy path (for any of you.) 

• If you are going to stay in the marriage, then stay in the marriage and make it the best marriage it can be.  Work to heal the things which lead you to wander, and work hardest on yourself.  This means letting go of your affair and not seeing or contacting your lover again.
• If you don't want to do this, and if your choice is to move on, then move on.  Don't drag your spouse, your kids, you family, your friends, yourself and your lover through infidelity.   

Stop hiding behind the excuses and take the honest path.  

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