Do you misuse honesty? Tact takes troubles out of Talks!

Do you you say the things you think/feel/believe in a very direct and blunt way?  Regularly?

Then you make a common mistake about honesty.  

I'll bet I confused you with that comment!  You see, you have probably learned somewhere that it is "best" to "be honest" and "direct" with those you care about.  And you took that to mean you need to tell them everything in the most forthright way you can.  You think you are doing them a favor.  You think it's great to say something in a brusque no-nonsense way.  You are proud of yourself.

Your partner feels like you are beating them with a 2x4.

You see, the mistake you are making is not using tact along with your honest.  Most people think tact is the opposite of honesty, but I'm here to tell you frank honesty is just brutality if you don't use tact.

I have to blame therapists and self-help books for much of this.  They are always touting (even I do it) the efficacy of communication.  Speaking up for yourself and getting yourself heard.  The only problem is many readers don't get the whole idea. 

If you want to be heard you have to speak up in a way that will get you heard.  This means using tact. 

Let me clarify; tact isn't sugar coating something or editing it until it has no meaning.  Tact comes from the Latin word meaning "to touch."  What it allows you to do is truly touch the other person with your meaning.  Synonyms are discretion, judgment, skill, perception, discernment.  In other words, you use your skills, judgment, and perceptions to say things in such a way your partner can hear and understand you.

Sometimes this means being really straightforward and blunt; however, not all the time.   If you use this one way to speak your truth all the time, you won't be heard all the time.

Your courageous work is to reconcile tact with truthfulness.  Think of being honest and being tactful as going hand in hand.  Be open in a skillful way so your honesty can be heard and your talks will have less troubles.

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Skeletal cyclops miniature painted by me- you don't want your honesty to be like being beaten over the head with a rock!

By the way, another awesome alliteration!