An Affair is an Affair is an Affair.

Too often I see couples in my office who don't realize (or won't admit to themselves) an affair is happening.  Sometimes one is aware, but the other is denying it because his/her definition of an affair is rigid and stereotypical.

I am here to clarify - it doesn't become an affair only when you have sexual contact.  Affairs aren't about intercourse or intimate touching - that's only one type of affair.

How do you know if it is an affair?

First let me define 'affair.'  An affair is any interaction that takes away from your marriage (or partnership) something that belongs in that marriage/partnership.  Things that can be taken away include but aren't limited to energy, attention, sharing, connection, action, consideration, intimacy, etc.  In other words - if what you are doing outside is something that belongs inside the long-term relationship, it is an affair.

This is especially poignant when that "something" is also not happening in the relationship.

Let's see what sort of nonsexual "things" can constitute an affair:

1. intimate phone conversations, emails, video conferences
2. sexting or sexual emails
3. long lunches with great emotional connection (including reminiscing or venting)
4. sexual innuendos and compliments 
5. any interaction which you know or suspect your partner would be uncomfortable with.

That's another way to know if you are having an affair - if you suspect your partner would be unhappy if they were to see, hear, or know of the things you are doing or saying - then it's probably an affair.

And please don't try to fool yourself by saying, "We are just friends."  First, if you were just friends, then your spouse/partner would be welcome and invited to be involved in your interactions.  Secondly, you know if you are substituting your "friend" for something you should be getting in your intimate relationship.  Lastly, as my husband once said to a professional friend of ours, "If you can imagine saying and doing the things you are involved in, in the middle of your office in front of customers and peers without discomfort, then it is 'just friends'."  He's a pretty smart guy.

Your courageous work is to be honest about your interactions outside of your intimate relationship. 

• Do you take things "out" that would be better done "in" the relationship?  
• Do you substitute for your spouse/partner through someone else?  
• Are you connected more to someone else than your spouse?  

If the answer to any of these is "yes" then you have a decision - do you want to be married/committed?  If so, then you need to cut off the outside relationship and focus on healing your marriage/commitment.  If not, then you need to be honest with your spouse/partner and move on.

And I don't hold to the excuses I hear about affairs - I'll touch on those next week.

Click the comment button below and tell us what you think about the questions!

Sign up for my newsletter

P.S. The painting is a depiction of when Vulcan learns his wife, Venus, is cheating on him with Mars.  

If you look closely, you'll see Mars' head sticking out from under the table to the right.