Telling someone how to feel is a boundary violation.

I say, I say, have you ever said to someone "Chill", "Don't get angry," or "Relax"?

Do you realize you are committing a boundary violation?  Do you know why I say that?

Well, remember my post about gates in walls?  I wrote how boundaries define who you are (inside and out.)  Those are your boundaries and you decide what to let in and what to keep outside.  This means you get to determine who you are, not someone else.

Who you are is defined by what you choose to think, believe, feel, imagine, and then do internally.  It is your internal world that is reflected in your external actions. 

When I was a kid we used to watch Looney Tunes, and my father's favorite was Foghorn Leghorn.  If you remember, Old Foggy knew exactly where Barnyard Dawg's teather ended; in fact, he had a line drawn in the dirt.  That line was the defining edge of Dawg's world, and Foghorn trespassed all the time.  I bet you do it too or have others do it to you.

So, when someone tells you how to be/feel/think, they are violating your boundaries.  Even a simple, "Chill out" carries a connotation of telling you how to be or feel.  The following phrases indicate an infringement:

• "Don't think that way."
• "You should be interested in..."
• "You shouldn't be..." angry/sad/mad/jealous/etc.
• "You ought not..." 
• "Be happy"
• Anything that indicates how you should be, think, feel, believe, or be motivated
• Watch for words like "should" "ought" "have to" "must" 

How do you respond?  Keep healthy boundaries and don't let it in.  If it's not true for you, don't accept it and you don't even have to feel anything about it.  You can gently thank the person for their input and remind them you will make your own decision.  Stay centered in your self esteem and keep healthy.

And remember, when you are tempted to tell someone else how to be, with hold your "recommendations."  Instead, encourage them to talk about their ideas, and if they ask you can share your suggestions.  Then it is not a boundary violation (at least if it is a suggestion, not a judgment.)

Your courageous work and this week's relationship resolution is to refrain from telling others how to be.  Also, don't let another tell you who you should be.  It is a personal decision what we are inside, don't step across that line.

Take a tip from Foghorn Leghorn and know where the line is and (unlike him) don't cross it!

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Comments appreciated and replied to!

A few classic Foghorn quotes:

"That dog's as subtle as a hand grenade in a barrel of oatmeal."

"Now cu-, I say, cut that out, what's it all about boy, elucidate!"

"This is gonna cause more confusion than a mouse at a burlesque show."

"Pay attention to me boy. I'm not talkin' just to hear my head roar."

"This boy's making more noise than a couple of skeletons throwing a fit on a tin roof. "

"Go away boy, ya bother me."

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