Be Specific. Wishy-washy, unclear requests won't be met.

Often clients complain that even though they ask for things from their partner, those things aren't done.  When I dig deeper I learn the reason - the requests aren't specific enough.

You may say something like:

1. I want my parents be supportive of me.
2. I want my husband to show he loves me.
3. I want my wife to be nice to me.  

But if you say those statements generally (as written above), the other person doesn’t know what you mean.  You need to be specific and give examples. 

Here's where it falls down.  You make a request of your parents; "Mom and Dad, I need your support while I'm struggling."  Your parents are supportive by pushing you to succeed when you want them to be empathic.  They think they are being supportive! 

You don't. 

You have to let them know what “support” means to you.  “Hey when I’m struggling what I need from you is ______________ .”  Give multiple ideas and examples. 

You need to tell your spouse what "loving" or "nice" looks like to you.  Don't expect them to read your mind.  Don't say to yourself, "If he/she really loved me he/she would know what I want."  They love you, but they don’t read minds.  They have to learn what you want from you and you have to say it! 

And they have to hear it more than once.  When you were a kid you learned through repetition.  Remember when you learned multiplication?  Unless you were a savant, a math genius, or my husband you didn’t learn them the first time you heard them.  You had to do flash cards, reread the tables, or practice them. 

The same happens with your spouse (and you) when you learn something new.  So repeat your request in multiple ways.  It is important.

So this week's relationship resolution and your courageous work is to be specific.  Make sure you give examples then lather, rinse, repeat.

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