All or nothing - living in the extremes (or not really living!)

I have the distinct pleasure of facilitating an eating disorders support group.  It is filled with a fantastic group of people who are strong, caring, and intelligent (but they often don't realize that about themselves.)

This past weekend, the topic of all or nothing thinking came up.  People with eating disorders often fall into these extremes of thinking, but they aren't the only ones who struggle with this sort of distorted thinking.

What do I mean by all or nothing thinking?

It is also known as black and white thinking.  Here you view yourself, the world, or others in absolute categories, either one way or another with no middle ground.  All or nothing thinking is like a circle split in half, one side black, other white - like those black and white cookies.  The opposite is the healthy yin/yang symbol which has a dot of black in the white and a dot of white in the black.

Here are some ways you can know you are in black and white:

1. You catch yourself saying "always" or "never"  
2. You try to make yourself or something perfect  
3. You use words like "bad" or "good" to refer to yourself, another or a situation
4. You refuse to see or admit there is a middle ground in an argument
5. You cannot recognize subtle feelings and search for intense versions of them

When you distort your thoughts it has a negative effect on your life.  The problem with this pattern of negative distortion is it is, well... distorted!  All or nothing thinking doesn’t reflect a neutral and more realistic view of things.  The thoughts feed off one another.  Negative thoughts create negative moods and often bad behaviors.  You disconnect from yourself and others.

Disconnection is the effect of the negative stories you tell yourself.

Let me return to the group I ran.  When they aren't "perfect" at something, they put themselves down.  They feel increasingly badly about themselves because of all the mean things they say internally.  They "should" all over themselves with ways they "should" be.  This leads to high levels of discomfort, sadness, and often anger.  Those feelings get intense, and the person does something to relieve them - usually something unhealthy.

Unfortunately, the unhealthy behaviors start the cycle over as they beat themselves up about "messing up."

The same happens in your relationship.  If your relationship isn't "the way it should be" or "perfect" you begin to think negatively about it.  These thoughts lead you to have unhappy feelings about your relationship.  These feelings of sadness, discomfort, or anger are followed by actions which hurt the connection to your partner.  You withdraw or lash out trying to relieve how badly you feel.

It doesn't help and often makes things worse.

So what do you do about all or nothing thinking? 

The first step in challenging distortions is recognizing they are happening.  As you begin to recognize black and white thinking is happening, you can choose if you want to continue to think that way.

Your courageous work is to recognize and then challenge your extremes in thinking, specifically all or nothing thoughts.  Make it a choice rather than unconscious.  If you choose to break your cycle, you can use the following tactics to help:

• Ask yourself what the result will be if you continue to view things that way.  Walk it through to the end: how you'll feel, how you may act, what the consequences will be.
• Look at the thought- question whether it is in your best interest and does it get you what you want ultimately?  Then decide what thoughts and actions will take you in your preferred directions.
• Talk to yourself the same way you would a best friend.  You wouldn't say those extreme things to your friend!

Click the comment button below and tell me what you think!

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