Put a swinging gate in your walls, please.

The concept of boundaries is one of the most important things I teach couples and it seems to be one of the hardest things for them to consistently do at first.

As a definition of self, your boundary, marks where “I” end and “other” begins, like a door defines room from hallway.  You have multiple boundaries.  The visible margin of your body is the skin, it holds you together and keeps things from getting in.  You also have invisible boundaries.  You have personal space which is how close you allow people.  You have verbal boundaries; this is how you prefer and allow yourself to be talked to and how you talk to others.  You also have sexual borders which is who, how, and when you interact with another sexually.

This post is about a less distinct set of precincts I call your internal margins.  These limits define your inner life from outside life.  (When I say life I mean thoughts, feelings, beliefs, and ways of being.)  These margins are like a swinging door which can be shut, open, or swinging.  If your door is working healthily, it is able to swing freely upon your decision.

Remember, a gate or door exist in a wall- that wall defines where you end and other begins and it is healthy.  However, you wall needs a door/gate.

This door has two jobs:

1. controlling things going out (holding)
2. controlling what comes in (shielding).  

The former is about what you think, feel, and believe.  The holding part allows you to decide how much you share.  You open the door when you share appropriately, and close the door when you chose to withhold information.  This door is actually protecting the world from you, keeping you from flowing out and overwhelming those around you.  This is the part of you that determines how much you share, who you share with, and when you do.  It holds you accountable and safely in your sharing.

The second job of the door is to keep you safe and shielded.  This is about protecting you from what is outside of you.  The door’s duty is to allow in the things you can accept as true about yourself, and keep out what is not about you or true for you.  It filters outside thoughts, feelings, beliefs, stories, and events. 

In other words, your boundary gate allows in and out appropriate things (plus keeps dangerous things out.)

When the door-margin is functioning well, it swings freely upon your decision.  Problems happen when the door is either stuck open or closed.  In either shielding or holding your door can malfunction.  You can have a totally closed holding or shielding margin (a blank wall with no gate.)  You also can have a nonexistent margin in either (a wall with an opening but no gate.)  Interestingly enough, you can have a blank wall in one margin and an open hole in the other.  If anything other than a swinging door happens, you will have difficulty in your relationship.

So, your courageous work and this week's relationship resolution is to put a healthy gate in your healthy walls.  Look at how you do or don't let things in and also how you share yourself.  If you see either your holding or shielding margins are stuck open or closed, begin to focus on fixing them.  Share more (closed holding) or share less (open holding).  Be careful what you let in (open shielding) or start to not let things in that aren't really true for you (closed shielding.)

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