Fixing your relationship is like being in a rock tumbler

This weekend I finished polishing a barrel of rocks; it's one of my hobbies - tumbling stones until they are smooth, shiny, and beautiful.  As I pulled them out I began thinking how tumbling rocks is like healing a relationship; there are stages to each and none can be skipped.

In the first stage of tumbling, the rough rocks are put in the barrel with a very coarse grit and water.  As the barrel turns the big harsh edges and very rough parts are worn away.  The basic final form begins to take shape, and the rocks become smoother and gentler.

The same happens in a relationship that needs to heal (I see it all the time in my office.)  The biggest changes need to be made - the roughest spots need to be gotten rid of.  This means addressing the major issues which keep the relationship from starting to heal. Addictions, abuse, disrespect, acting out, affairs, mental health issues - they all need to be taken care of before any other work can happen.

In the tumbler, if the big spots aren't dealt with the stones will not end up smooth all around.  They won't be easy in the hand or on the eye.  Like the rocks, the relationship that doesn't deal with the big issues first will always have holes and rough spots to contend with.  You will stumble repeatedly over these problems if only small ones are addressed and smoothed.

The next two tumble stages are all about incrementally smoothing and shaping the stone.  They prepare the stone in gradually finer steps for the ultimate polish and shine. 

In this stage of the healing relationship you learn and practice healthy relational skills.  You slowly practice and implement each skill and idea in order to smooth and make more comfortable your interactions.  You learn how to have healthy self esteem and relationship esteem.  You practice healthy boundaries.  You pay attention to listening and ask in a healthy way for things you need.  These skills, like the finer grit in the tumbler make your relationship better, smoother, and happier.

The last two stages of tumbling are all about the final smoothing and shining.  The rocks have lost their sharp edges, large holes, and rough forms.  They are shaped and show much of their inner beauty.  The final steps will make that inner gorgeousness shine out.

By this stage in your healing relationship you have desisted in the rough unhealthy things and started regularly participating in healthy skills; however, the work is not done yet.  You need to polish what you have, and that's a life long process.  Polishing your relationship means cherishing what you have and showing that feeling to your partner.  It means not only continuing to practice the skills, but really meaning them and caring about why you are doing it.  It means doing the little things as well as the big ones.

What I have found over time in my rock tumbling hobby (and in counseling couples) is if you skip steps or try to do it your own way, the finished product is nowhere near as good  as it could or should be.  I've had to retumble rocks that I thought I knew better about.  I've also seen couples who tell me (after months of work), "Yes, there is another bigger problem...."  All the work we did before was being stymied by this thing lurking in the background.

So, your courageous work is to start at the beginning.  Look at the big things you need to deal with in your relationship and deal with them first.  Don't skip to the end and think you'll have smooth sailing.  Let your healing be a progression so it can be a true healing.

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