Too much trouble about Mr. Right and Mr. Good Enough

If you browse the web you'll find many posts about the need to settle for someone who is good enough and not waste time looking for the perfect partner.  I've even written about it before.

I truly believe (and have seen the back lash) that insisting on finding the perfect person who will make your life "whole" is a trap.  However, I don't believe in settling for something that is less than healthy, either.

The problem with many of the posts on the net...
(and what is probably a sensationalizing of a recent book) is there is an assumption at a certain age people need to focus on settling down and whomever seems "acceptable" will do.  Unfortunately, settling sets up either a power struggle or the gradual decline into unhappiness.  Both usually lead to divorce.

Why a power struggle?  Because the partner who feels like they settled may try to change the one they chose into what they want them to be.  Traditionally this has been blamed on women, but I've seen men do it too.  Either one will subtly (or not so subtly) make suggestions, complain, or outright control their partner to try and change them.  Suggestions are fine- if made with detachment from outcome; control or complaining aren't healthy or relational.

Why?  No one likes to be controlled or changed.

Settling for "good enough" also can lead to a gradual decline into unhappiness because of resentment.  It's that simple- you unfairly resent the partner you decided to settle on.  It was your choice, you can't blame them, but you do.  Stop it.

The healthy way to challenge both the "right" and "good enough" ideas is to learn to be real.  Really look at your relationship and potential partner.  Use the following questions and any other you would add to check if it is a truly healthy relationship. 

• Is this someone you want to wake up to years from now?  
• Is this someone you can imagine paying bills with?  
• Can you folks talk? 
  
• Is your relationship free from all forms of disrespect? (verbal, nonverbal, physical, emotional)
  
• Is this a person who shows you love as well as receives it from you?  
• Do you have fun with them?  
• Are they reliable and trustworthy?   
  
• Have you talked about the important things?  
• Can you give and hear feedback with them?
  
• Are you both free from (or in real recovery from) addictions of any sort?  
• If either of you struggles with a mental illness, are you in treatment?
• Do you both have time for a relationship?
  

If you are real, and realistic, about your relationship, your answers will tell you if this is a person you should be with*.  Forget the stories, the suggestions from hot books, or those who say your clock is ticking.  Go with your heart and your mind together- that's what makes humans special.

(*Remember you also need to be a person they want to be with.)

Your courageous challenge is to be realistic about your relationship while keeping your feelings and wants in mind.  If you think you "settled" somewhere in the past, reframe your thinking and realize you made a choice that you can live with and enjoy.  Work with your partner to make your relationship a positive for both of you.  Make yourself fun and enjoyable to be with.  Learn how to answer yes to all the above questions.

Have you ever settled?  Have you ever fixed it?  Have you struggled with resentment?  Have you ever tried to change someone (or visa versa)?  How has the info from this post played out in your life?  Please leave comments below- I make it a point to answer comments.

Email me any suggestions, questions, or ideas for posts- address on my profile page.