I see plenty of effects in my office.
There are two major ones...
- in the first, a partner feels inferior to the porn stars. In the other a watcher learns to view people as objects and loses the real connection to them.
Let's look at how porn creates inferior feelings in a relationship. The watcher doesn't think about how their partner views the people shown in the magazines or on the shows. The partner looks at those artificially enhanced (and let's face it people, they are all enhanced in some way) images and imagines that is what the porn watcher finds sexy. No normal person can match those "sexual attributes" and thus the partner feels inadequate.
No matter how many times the watcher says, "I find you sexy" the partner will say to themselves, "if they found me sexy they'd want to look at me, not that porn." Or, "how can they find that unreal stuff sexy and say my very real body is sexy?"
The watcher's actions don't match their words, and their partner begins to feel distanced.
In the second problem, the watcher is seeing images that depict people as objects- objects to be desired and used, not loved and cherished. Despite protestations to the contrary, what we regularly watch, experience, and do affect us. If this weren't true, practice wouldn't help people improve in skills, thinking, or math problems.
Repetition creates patterns in the brain- patterns which our brains find easier to follow. Watch objectification and it become easier to objectify people. When you objectify your partner, you become distanced and don't register their needs or humanity. Objects are to be used.
Reminds me of the saying, "Love people, use objects, not use people, love objects." Porn creates objectified people.
I both agree and disagree with your sentiments. I agree that these are two very possible real dangers of porn. I don't agree that these are the only two outcomes, or that the porn watcher is responsible for their partners' feelings.
ReplyDeleteI am not a thin woman, and reaching 40 with sags and bumps, greying hair, the beginnings of wrinkles, I can choose to have these self-reproaching feelings about my lover (male, 39, and living together for about 6 years) watching porn. And I have beat myself up over it in the past, so I can relate to it. However, I have to own it. That's MY feelings of inadequacy, and I'll bet time and again they really have nothing to do with whether my lover is watching porn.
So I was bothered by a variety of issues not the largest of which was porn, and I distanced myself sexually from my partner in spite of the very real and often VERY distracting sexual needs of being ~40! If I'm running around crabby and frustrated, and completely unable to make or accept any sexual passes, I can only wonder what it was doing to my partner. Thank goodness that we could both independently turn to self-pleasure and porn, because I didn't need to add his hormonal frustrations to my own. My preferred porn is written, his is visual, but really a romance novel, sex stories, or photos and videos, what's the difference? It's all fantasy aids.
What really broke down is not that either one of us was using porn material to kick ourselves over the edge during self-pleasuring.... it was that we weren't communicating, and that I'd stopped trying and reciprocating (it definitely wasn't about the porn -- it was mostly communication breakdown and other resentments on both sides), which eventually caused him to stop trying as well. How sexy do you feel when you're withholding love and lust from your chosen pre-approved sex partner? Not so much.
We opened lines of communication, rekindled our sex life, we're working on how to signal and communicate our needs. In spite of his continued use of porn (and mine) during self-pleasuring, we're almost as sexually active as I'd like, the biggest blocks we have now are logistics, and I approach his viewing porn with only mild curiosity and humor.
Unsolicited, I got some confirmation about the changes our intimacy is creating:
He's dreaming about sexual encounters with me when he sleeps -- nearly every night. He says that he's changed his porn viewing preferences to women around my age (and doesn't find the babyfaced young bombshells as attractive any more). And much of the time he's fantasizing about me anyway. And on my end, I could cross off the names in the stories and put his name there and be just as turned on.
What's going on between us in the bedroom can't be duplicated by a video and a story. There's no mistaking the difference between the self-love and the together-love. And I have no worries that one of the porn star bimbos is going to somehow push me out of bed. I suppose if I withhold sex for a few years he might start thinking he needs someone else, but what kind of nutcase would I be for doing that?
In parting, I think what's important is the health of your sexual relationship, the communication lines, and whether everyone's getting their needs fulfilled. When there's a mismatch in needs, schedules, or whatever else gets in the way, I'd prefer my partner to be happy and hormonally comfortable over frustrated and sublimating it into petty stuff that just builds up. If it takes a little porn to get someone over the edge, so be it -- and if the porn is a problem, talk about it.
Criss,
ReplyDeleteThank you so much for your thoughtful comment. You are right, porn isn't to "blame" for most things in a relationship; as the saying goes "it takes two to tango." But in an already unhealthy relationship it is usually another nail in the coffin.
No, we aren't "responsible for our partner's feelings", but we do need to be aware of them. Because we are in a relationship. If we didn't want to care about another person, then we can do whatever we want. That's called being single.
Anything that *replaces* good healthy interactions (porn, shopping, Facebook, online games) is a problem. Porn just comes with additional connotations of being sexual in nature.
Good for you, though on confronting your own feelings and talking with your partner to heal what was becoming a big rift, and thank you for sharing about it!
Kim
What about when it's a shared experience? Me and the hubs have watched porn together in the past, with no ill effect that I can spot. >.>
ReplyDeleteMildlyAmused,
ReplyDeleteLike occasional alcohol with your spouse when neither of you has a problem, you'll most likely not have issues. Also, since you both are choosing what you look at and watch, I'm going to guess it is not "objectifying" or upsetting to either of you.
Since you see no problems, I wouldn't worry. It also sounds like it is an "every once in awhile" thing interspersed with other ways to connect.
However, if it becomes the only way you folks can share intimacy or become aroused, or if you find either of you is being turned off by the porn, stop.
Thanks for the comment!