Taking a day off!

On some days life is just too wonderful (and the weather beautiful) to write a blog entry!

I'm off to enjoy the day today with my husband.

Your courageous work: recognize a good opportunity to spend real and fun time with your partner and take advantage of it.

Picture of my Dad enjoying time in Canada on an island. Take time when you can with those you care about.

Do you hear what I hear? Understanding.

Last week I made it a point to communicate about communication.

Review: I already wrote about the roles the speaker and listener play. I shared how communicating helps you avoid those dreaded "talks." I outlined how the speaker actually can share information and be heard. I even wrote about the voices in your head while you listen.

Read the series of posts to truly understand communicating clearly with your partner.

I'm wrapping up that series today with a post on how to truly listen.

I bet you all think you listen well, but

Speak with skill and love- plus get what you want.

In my practice more than 90% of the couples who come to get help report major difficulties in communication. "We just can't talk to one another." "He never listens to me." "She just doesn't understand." "All we do is fight." "We never talk." I could go on.

Bottom line, if you want a happy, connected and intimate relationship, you have to learn how to communicate.

People don't know how to actually share feelings and thoughts. It's called speaking (no duh!)

First thing you must do is

The two most important roles in communication.

I started the week ranting about how important communication is. In fact, I made the bold statement that if you communicate, you can talk less. I truly believe that, so today I'm going to to touch on the dual roles required for real communication.

They are...

drum roll, please...

a speaker and a listener.
(Didn't surprise you, did I?)

However, too many people have no idea what to do when they are in either of these roles; therefore, communication fails!

The more you communicate the less you have to talk.

Here's an old joke:

What five words does a man most hate to hear from his wife?
-
-
- (wait for it)
-
-
"Honey, we have to talk."
(ba dum, bump)

Unfortunately, people laugh at this because it is real. For too many couples "a talk" has come to mean a fast ugly descent into anger, hurt, resentment, and argument. I hear my friends complain about it, I see it in my office, and I empathize because I was there years ago.

How do you break the cycle, stop the ugliness, and make being with your partner a happy time again?

Trust is like a dimmer switch...

...it isn't just on or off.

Trust is not something you are "given" it is something you earn. Especially if you have done something to lose it in the first place.

I have told this to everyone from to clients who had affairs to teens who are acting out. They can't understand why their loved ones can't trust them since they have said "sorry" and promised never to do it again. They don't understand they need to build trust again. Trust doesn't turn on like a regular light switch, it's more like a dimmer switch.

With a dimmer switch you slowly turn on the light; that's how trust comes into being- slowly. You did it in the beginning of your relationship; now you have to do it again.

How do you earn trust?

Healthy Love is NOT Unconditional.

I was attending a wedding this weekend, and the minister gave a homily on marriage and love. He said a few good things, but one thing struck me; he said love is unconditional.

He is wrong.

You see, love doesn't mean you put up with everything and anything a person does. It means you care about someone, despite what they do, but you don't have to stay around bad behaviors.

People make this mistake all the time.