It's all in how you say things...

A client shared a gem she heard from a personal coach:

"When you state things with conviction you destroy all chance of conversation."

Let that sink in for a moment.

If you state something as if it were the only truth and the only way, are you opening up conversation? No, if you speak like this, you give the impression to others you can't be swayed or spoken to about other options or ideas. At work this creates an image of you as inflexible. If you speak this way to your spouse, you shut them down.

A shut down partner isn't going to feel very connected or intimate with you. They are probably going to be pretty ticked-off.

The fact is you can be solid in your truths or understandings without negating what someone else thinks or believes. This is done with tactful and honest communication.

Let me give you an example. I have a friend who is unafraid to tell people what she thinks, including giving people "suggestions" regularly. Her ideas are sound, but the way she delivers them leaves much to be desired. She says things like: "You should..." and "The best way is..." and "I've always read the smart thing to do is...."

See what I'm getting at? She is giving the person she is "helping" no options- if they do something differently they are bad, stupid, or not the best.

How could she say things differently but still give "advice"? Tactful caring communication. "What I've found helpful sometimes is to..." or "One way to do it is..." or "A way I've heard of is...." These are all offering options, but not touting them as "the best", "smartest" or "only" ways. She would be choosing words that make it clear they are ideas only and not judgments.

It's not only about word choice, it is about "how" you say it. Tone of voice should be open, light, and caring, not stern, curt, or intense. It should leave your partner with the impression discussion is accepted and even expected. It definitely helps if you remind yourself you are just offering, not pushing, your ideas. You may consider delivering them with a small smile to keep your voice and tone happier. You can tell yourself and your partner, "I'm interested in your ideas, too."

Your goal is to create an open, sharing relationship which is a ground for true connection and intimacy.

Today's courageous work is to speak with tact and caring. When you find yourself tempted to give advice or share your opinion, make sure you are leaving the door open to conversation.


Picture: Nikko Tosho-gu lanterns from my trip to Japan. I thought of this trip because much of Japanese culture and the language have to do with how you speak.

Takes two to tango, but one can turn on the music!

Does your relationship seems boring, tired, worn out? Are you waiting for things to "liven up?" Do you secretly hope things will become more romantic/intimate/sensual? Are you waiting for something to happen? If you keep waiting, it won't.

It's up to you.

As an attendee in a workshop said, "It may take two to tango, but one can turn on the music!" It was a big insight for him, and he was dead right. You see, if you wait for your partner to start "doing the work" you're heading for disappointment.

If you look at yourself and start doing your own work, you'll change your life and relationships- usually for the better.

So, turn on the music:
*ask for things you'd like or like to do...
*do things you know your partner enjoys...
*share how you are feeling in a tactful caring way...
*make suggestions on how you'd like the relationship to be...
* follow through on those suggestions (no matter what your partner does or doesn't do)...
* find out what you can do to help your partner give you more of what you want...
* do things without expecting anything in return...
* encourage your partner to get involved, but don't force or push....

Today's courageous work, start the music and... Caminando- "walk" in tango terms- take the first steps... then Salida "exit" and also "beginning"- stop things you know don't work, and begin the changes you want to make. Invite your partner into the dance by opening up, talking, asking, and doing.

Dance. Put the rose in your teeth and make the first moves. Soon you'll be doing the Baldoso and coming to a breathless and warm Resolución.

But first, turn on the music.

Excuses, excuses, excuses....

It's rainy here today, and I don't feel like doing anything. Ever notice that about rainy days?

But wait a minute, if it were bright and sunny, I'd want to be outside not doing anything productive, too! Heck- on any day!

My thoughts go something like this... rainy day: "oh, I think I'll have a cup of tea and read a book." Sunny day: "I'm going out on the beach for awhile." Cloudy day: "I wish it'd decide what to do, I think I'll watch a movie." Snowy days: "oh, no one is going to work today, whey should I do any?" Tornadoes: "I'd better get into the shelter and take a nap." And so it goes.

The fact is, I can find any excuse not to do what I need to do (personally or professionally.) How about you?

*Is something bothering you, and you need to talk to your partner about it, but "after I finish the laundry," or "when he/she's in a better mood."
*Has your spouse asked you to do something, and you intend to "after the game?"
*Maybe you want to start exercising, but "not today because I'm too busy."
*Or you want to get your eating on a healthier track "but the kids need their chips and cookies in the house" which you then eat, too.
*You want to start meditating, but "I can't find the time."
*You'd like more business through marketing, but "I have to create a brochure first."
The list is endless.

Each reason not-to-do sounds plausible, but there is always an excuse. The result is nothing gets done. Your life doesn't improve or change, and you wonder why or feel bad about your lack of "motivation."

Remember, motivation follows action. So, take the action.

How? Here are some ways people put these things into their lives:

Meditation: I had a friend who would get to work 5 minutes early and sit in her car meditating.
Marketing: One professional I knew "pre-sold" her e-book despite not having it finished. By setting a delivery date for her sales, she forced herself to finish.
Talking: Set a time limit on how long you'll let an issue sit (no more than 2 hours, let's say) and get yourself to keep the limit by speaking to your partner before the time is up.
Requests: If your spouse requests something, set expectation by asking when they want it done by, and agreeing to it. Then you have a time limit for yourself.
Eating: Instead of trying to do it all, start with one step a week. Add a vegetable serving a day, then in the second week another small step. They add up and are easier to keep to.
Exercise: I exercise first thing when I get up. If I don't, I can find all the excuses. I also give myself a "treat" for exercising; I watch a favorite show or movie (often while I'm exercising.)

Much of these things are about pushing through the excuses. Not waiting to be motivated, but moving forward in action with faith. Usually as you see things improve you then find motivation.

Today's courageous work is to listen closely to yourself and challenge the excuses. As Shel Silverstien wrote, "Listen to the don'ts. Listen to the shouldn'ts, the impossibles, the won'ts...." Then turn them around and make them "dos, shoulds, possibles, and wills." Make small changes and take different actions to move forward in your relationship and your life.

Remember, rainbows follow rain, flowers need it, and sometimes it is a good time to have that tea and read a book- just not all the time! Besides, the sky is clearing; I think I'll go out on the boardwalk now that I've written my post!

Are you listening? Can you pass the test?

When your spouse or partner is speaking to you, does your internal dialogue sound something like this?

"Oh, how can he/she say that?!...
"I've got to straighten her/him out on that point....
"That's just downright wrong!...
"She/he doesn't understand...
"Right, I need to explain to him/her about that!...
"How can she/he be so confused?...
"Is he/she still talking?...
"I've got to remember to tell him/her this..."
And so on.

You may even have a moment of "Oh, look, a butterfly!.... Now, what was she/he saying?... "

If any of that sounds familiar, you really aren't listening. Yes you are hearing words, but you aren't listening. You are talking and arguing in your head. At that moment there are two speakers and no listener. Not a good recipe for communication.

So, how should your listening internal dialogue really sound?

First, it will be primarily quiet since you are focused on your spouse/partner. You shouldn't be doing any talking about your own story, even in your head.

Next, you might hear these phrases:
"Oh, interesting, I didn't realize she/he felt that way....
"I'm not sure I understand that, I need to ask him/her about it....
"Okay, I think I have it, but I'll keep listening to make sure...."

Your whole attention is on what is being said and what is meant.

As the listener you are working to understand, not be understood. So your inner speaker needs to be silent except when it comes to curiosity and clarification. Your turn to speak and be understood only comes after you have passed the test as the listener- to understand (not agree, not believe, not convince, not change someone's mind, not explain, etc.)

Today's courageous work is to focus on truly being a listener. When you find your inner speaker chiming in, silence it and concentrate on what is being said to you. Remind yourself listening is about understanding where your partner is coming from.


zebra from ralph and jenny on Flickr

The high cost of lies- take a cue from Pinocchio.

Recently, I had a client who couldn't understand how she had gotten so caught up in out of control problems. She had an affair, lied about it to her spouse for months, and then was being left by said spouse. She was devastated- not just about the marriage, but about her own bad behavior.

"How did I become the person I hate the most?" she asked me.

"You started lying," I replied.

She started lying, then she had to lie to cover up the first one. Then in order to feel okay, she had to lie to herself about what was really going on and what she was going to do about it. Then she lied some more, and so on. Everything snowballed until she didn't know the truth anymore.

Unfortunately, she didn't have Pinocchio's nose.

You see, it wasn't just the lies to her spouse, but throughout her life. It was the lies she spoke as well as the ones she acted. It was the things she told herself and forced herself to believe despite knowing they were lies. She lied in her marriage, at work (affair was with a coworker), to her family, to everyone, and she ends up trapped. Ultimately, everything came out, there was a massive blowup, and the spouse told her to get out- they will be divorced soon. My client admits she's losing her "best friend" of 10 years. And she feels she's lost herself too.

All because of lies.

You see, loss always follows lies. The high cost of a lie is not just the breaking of trust, it is also the destruction of your sense of self.

The problem is, lies don't have to be big to cause problems. They can be "little white lies (lwls)." These are the ones you tell people instead of your real feelings or thoughts. They are the ones you use when you imagine you'll hurt someone if you say the truth. But because you do lwls you are breaking trust with your friend. Because you chose a lwl, you are choosing a disconnect, even if your friend or partner isn't aware of it. (And, face it, most of us know when someone is lying to us.)

How do you stop using lwls?

Start by being neutral. I'll give you an example: Your friend says, "Hey, I'm sorry I didn't get that library book back to you before it was due. Was it a problem?" The truth is "Yes, it was," but you may struggle to share that. You would be lying if you said "It was no problem" if it was one. As a neutral alternative, you can say, "Everyone forgets things like that and it can cause problems." By choosing a neutral response you aren't being untrue to yourself.

As you get more comfortable with your stance of not lying through neutrality, you can start practicing saying the truth in a tactful caring way. So, in the library book example, you could say, "You know, I was uncomfortable with turning it in late, could you please make it a priority in the future to get books back to me on time?" You don't have to yell, make a scene, or expect your friend to grovel. You can just calmly share your feelings and make a request.

Sadly, this is what my client could have done in the very beginning of all her troubles. She could have gone to her spouse and said, "I need to talk" and shared, "I find myself looking outside the marriage, but I want to respect our vows. Can we do something to work on us?" She could have gone to a therapist herself to help her get the strength and skills to talk to her partner about her struggles. She could have lived and acted with integrity through a tough time, and even if it ended in divorce, it wouldn't have been so destructive to everyone. Unfortunately, she was caught up in her lies, and didn't see the way out.

So, today's courageous work is to look at yourself and what untruths you tell or let linger. Imagine you are Pinocchio, would your nose be growing? Begin to use the neutral stance in situations where you are uncomfortable being fully honest, yet. Practice tactful truth in other areas. Graduate from neutrality to caring truth.

Word of warning: If you are in a situation where you fear for your safety (physical, financial, emotional, etc.) when you tell your truth, then your issues are larger than lying. You are in an abusive situation, and you need to acknowledge that truth and make your way out to safety. I want you to know, you do have options, there is support out there for you. I'm not saying it will be easy, it won't, but it'll be safer for you in the long run. And if children are involved, do you really have a choice? Your first responsibility is to protect them and get them out of danger. If you let children see abuse, then you are letting them be abused.

The National Domestic Violence Hotline can help:
online at http://www.ndvh.org/
or call them at 1.800.799.SAFE (7233) 1.800.787.3224 (TTY)

Don't borrow trouble...

You have enough of your own already.

What do I mean by borrowing trouble? I mean taking on problems, troubles, and worries that don't belong to you (or you in this moment.)

How do you borrow trouble? Here are half a dozen examples:

1. You sit and worry about something you said and how it might be misconstrued.
2. You worry about what "might happen" rather than working on what is going on right now.
3. You brood about or focus on other peoples' struggles.
4. You fret about how to make someone different.
5. You resent other people rather than dealing with yourself.
6. You take a single event and blow it all out of proportion.

You are taking things from the future, the past, or others. You are making yourself crazy by trying to control or change things you can't change. You are borrowing trouble.

How do you stop?

Develop healthy boundaries and a good dose of reality testing.
-Ask yourself if what you are concerned about is really about you- if not, let it go.
-Ask if this is something you can take action on right now- if not, drop it.
-Check with yourself (and someone else if it'll help) about the size of the worry- if you are making a mountain out of a molehill, chill.
-Stop listening to repeated complaints from friends or family (or the news) who refuse to make changes. Don't take it on.
-Put away resentment (AA says when you resent someone you rent free space to them in your head. Do you want to give them something for free... in your head?!)

Today's courageous work: Take a look at the troubles you have. Ask yourself if you have borrowed things from others. Identify if any of the problems are about the past or the future, neither of which you can change today. Let go of things that aren't yours. Maybe you need to journal about them, talk to a friend, or visualize them floating away.

If things are about you, and you can do something today, then by all means take action.

Even if they are cute, don't let them bite you!

This is another post inspired by my new puppy, but I promise I'm not going to wax rhapsodic about how cute he is (although he's adorable!) I'm actually going to talk about how cuteness is a problem for him (and me.)

You see, he nips- well, really, he bites. More than a puppy should. And he doesn't listen to my "yelps" of pain; in fact, he thinks they are an invitation to even more and harder bites.

But I don't think it's his fault. The problem is he is too cute.

This is what I imagine might have happened. When he mouthed as a tiny puppy people said, "Oh, that's so cute" and made of him. This encouraged more nipping because it got attention. They may even have played the wagging finger game (which people do now, and I have to ask them to stop.) To him, the wagging finger is just another toy to bite. Because he was small and cute, people didn't take him seriously, and now he's having to learn his behavior is not acceptable, and I'm the one trying to show him.

How does this relate to relationships? A couple of important ways.

1. Just because someone does something unacceptable in a cute or silly way does not excuse it. If your partner is hitting on other people, but is cute in his/her defense of the behaviors, they still are hurting your relationship. If someone "picks" on you in a cute way, but it hurts, you need to say something.

2. If you don't redirect hurtful or unhealthy behaviors when they start, they will get worse. The person (or puppy) thinks the behavior is acceptable because you didn't say anything. They'll do it again and again. They'll even increase the intensity of the behavior. Worse yet is when you say it was "okay" but it really wasn't.

3. If one way of redirecting doesn't work, try another. I have been trying different ways to help Thor understand his nips aren't okay. After a few serious tries, or if the behavior worsens, I move to a different way of working. You need to do this with your partner; try multiple ways to explain, ask, show, redirect, and help them.

It's all really about respect, boundaries, and good communication.

So, this week, think about the behaviors you find unacceptable, hurtful, or disconnecting. Even if it is done in a cute/silly way, start giving your partner feedback about those behaviors. If you think they aren't getting it, try something different. Make as many moves in as many ways as you can think of to be understood.

Just because they are cute, don't let them nip you!

Being happy together.

Just today I was talking with someone about what I do. I said, "I help couples be happy, no matter where they are in their relationships," and it felt so right.

You see, after a long time of searching for my "niche" and my "platform" and my "brand" (as all the business gurus encourage you to do) I finally realized I'm truly about finding happiness. I'm not about the pain (although we often have to go through painful things to find happiness) and I'm not about blame. I am about learning to be happy, to create and live a happy life with your chosen partner.

Now, mind you, I am quite certain happiness isn't about unending bliss or joy. Happiness includes knowing things aren't always going to be bright sunshine- but for the majority of the time you'll be okay with things and each other.

It's like the logo I'm playing with (see above.) I like the way the two hearts (two people) fit together but are individuals. If you haven't realized, it is based off the yin-yang symbol which is about complimentary opposites, ongoing balance, and moving connections. As you see, there is a dot of the other color in each side- indicating no one thing is perfect or unaffected by the other. They live in dynamic equilibrium, supporting, encircling, touching, and interacting with each other. That is a happy couple.

So, for today, how are you and your partner a good fit? How do you compliment and support each other? How do you bring happiness into your relationship? How can you do that more often?

You owe a nickel!

Years ago when dinosaurs roamed the roads and I was in high school, I learned something really important.

No, not all the things in text books! (although I guess those things were important.)

I learned what you are unaware of can get worse, but once you make and keep yourself aware, you can make it much better.

Here's the story. My Neanderthal friends and I decided we were swearing too much. For some reason we understood with our small brains swearing didn't make us look cool, just dumb. There were so many other wonderful words to use to describe things, words like supercilious, ludicrous, or heinous.

Anyway, we decided to "fine" ourselves each time we used a swear word (hate to say it, but they were much tamer then!) We made it a game and gave differing levels of words different costs from a penny to a quarter. We were allowed to fine ourselves or each other, and I kept the money jar in my locker (which was central.)

Soon our get-togethers were punctuated by "You owe a nickel" or "Oops, I have to pay a quarter!" followed by laughter. The real learning, though, wasn't the fine, it was realizing how often we were doing this thing we didn't want to do. Each time we recognized the blunder, we got closer to being aware before we did it. Once you see an action before you do it, you have a choice. Ultimately, the group was swearing a whole lot less and still having fun. I don't think we made enough to pay for a pizza, but we changed our own behaviors in a way we wanted.

Truly it wasn't the fine that mattered, it was bringing the action to attention that made the difference. Being aware gave us the choice.

Mark Steven Johnson said in Ghostrider, "When you do things without thinkin', then you ain't makin' the choice. The choice is makin' you."

So, what unhealthy things are you doing on autopilot in your relationship? How can you bring those actions into your consciousness? What would you chose to do if you were aware? You may ask your partner to help you be aware, or you may "fine" yourself a dollar each time you do it. It is the awareness and choice you are working toward.

You owe a nickel!

Don't forget to share ideas with me via email (found on my profile).

Comments appreciated and replied to!

Original image found here.

Puppy lessons: It's all in how you approach people.

Okay, I have to share- I have a new puppy! See the great smiling picture?

Needless to say, I'm excited, my husband is excited, and the puppy is excited. We're also all pooped from learning how to work with each other and get the house-training down!

Raising a puppy is teaching me many things:
1. Puppies eat everything you find disgusting.
2. They are not predictable (no matter what to books say) in when they need to potty.
3. They are attention hogs, but deserve it.

Now, you see that little pup? He's about 3.5 pounds, and my husband chose to name him Thor. That's right, Thor the god of thunder!

The name gets real chuckles out of anyone who hears it the first time while meeting the pup. But you know what? It fits.

Aside from the ears which look like Thor's winged helmet- I swear our Thor swings a hammer of cuteness which fells even the most grumpy of arch enemies.

It's all in how he approaches them. He is overjoyed to see each and every person or dog who comes into his field of view. Thor exudes excitement and transmits it through his quivering hairs, pricked ears, and joyous grin. It is contagious, and people smile back, ask to pet him, and make of him.

So, why is this important for a relationship blog? I bet you can guess!

How you are treated and responded to has a lot to do with how you approach people.

If you approach with a scowl, your partner will be put on guard against you. If you look blank or act distracted, they'll not pay attention to you either. If you smile and are warm, your partner will be more open to you.

It's not hard, but how often do you forget it?

How often do you:
- Growl at your partner before giving them feedback?
- Make the effort to smile while talking on the phone?
- Greet your partner with a hug when you see them?
- Make a request with a scowl?
- Remember you love this person before you talk about something difficult?
- Express your love non-verbally as well as verbally?

You see I have no doubt Thor loves me. He takes the time to grin at me as he runs to me on our walks. He watches my face when I talk to him. He dances at the gate when I come to get him for play time. He loves to repeatedly curl in my lap with his favorite chew toy. He shows me he cares and thinks I'm important.

Do you do that for the person you love? If you do, good for you, keep it up! If not, think of ways you can show and speak your love and excitement.

Take a tip from Thor, smile often; it helps you connect.

How to know who you are.

Did you read the story in the last post? If not, go do so before reading this. I'm going to refer to it.

If you can't remember the tale, reread it... I'll wait.....

So, now that you read it. What did it make you think of?

Hopefully you thought of many things: respect, magic, greed, giving, meanness, karma, good deeds, and boundaries.

Boundaries? Yep, boundaries.

If you remember, the girl with the pearls had good boundaries. When her sister "forced" her to go into the woods, it was actually something the kind girl liked, so she didn't mind. She didn't feel the need to shove this fact in her sister's face, and she didn't make it a power struggle; she just went and gathered flowers. Then despite the old woman's disgusting dirtiness the girl did what she felt was right, and was not disrespectful. When the old woman insulted her, she refused to rise to the bait, and instead asked her kind question again. All in all, the girl kept great boundaries.

How?

She knew who she was and functioned from that truth. She felt no need to fight over something that meant little to her. She didn't even try to "prove" to her sister she was right. She didn't let something about someone else affect her (the stench and uncleanliness.) She didn't take in the old woman's insults, and she also didn't let herself be run over- she was firm in asking her question.

She was the epitome of healthy boundaries. She defined herself, and she didn't try to define anyone else. She took in what she felt was true for her, and left the rest outside. She also didn't unload her feelings/wants/demands all over others.

In contrast, let's look at the other sister; a young woman with very bad boundaries. Firstly, she felt the need to bully others and tell them what to do (no control of self and attempts to control others.) She didn't take on a fair share of the chores, expecting her sister to do what she considered the hardest things. She didn't delight in her sister's good fortune, only focused on herself and how she wanted to benefit (defining self by outside things.) Lastly, she was verbally disrespectful of the old woman (poor holding boundary.)

What does this mean for you?

You can only know who you are if you have good boundaries. Here are some questions to ask youself:

-How do you define yourself, your truth, and how you want to be?
-Do you look at what is true for you and live from there?
-Or do you look to outside things/events/people to define you?
-Do you let in everything that comes along, or do you chose what comes in?
-Do you only let in what relates to you and you find true?
-Do you let out everything or chose what to share/say/emote?
-Are you a bully, either directly or indirectly?
-Do you try to control, manipulate, or change others?
-Do you speak disrespectfully (with toads)?
-Do you scream/yell, or do you speak calmly with appropriate emotional level?

This week spend some time looking at your own boundaries. Register how you treat others, what you let in, what you let out, and why. Make sure you are regarding yourself and others with respect. That's the start of healthy boundaries, and healthy boundaries are the basis of rewarding relationships.

Toads were coming from her mouth!

How do you talk to other people? How do you talk to your partner? Do you have pearls or toads coming from your mouth?

Don't know what I'm talking about? Let me tell you a story.

Once upon a time, there were two sisters living with their family in a small cottage by a dark wood. Each day one of the two had to go into the woods to gather firewood and herbs for dinner. Usually the meaner sister would bully the other into going into the woods, but the kind sister didn't mind because she could pick interesting flowers to bring home.

One day, as usual, the kind sister was in the woods gathering wood, herbs and flowers, when she saw a terrible sight. An extremely ugly old woman had her foot caught under a log and was trying in vain to move it. Exclaiming, "Oh, you poor woman!" the girl rushed in and putting her back into it, rolled the log away. Ignoring the stink and the ugly warts on the foot, she bathed the swollen ankle while she murmured kind soothing words. She wrapped the ankle in the sash from her waist, and looked at the old woman who had been silent the whole time.

The woman glared at her and spat, "Look what you've done! You've ruined the wonderful patina of dirt I'd developed on that foot. You stupid chit of a girl, how foolish could you be?"

The girl was taken aback, but replied most courteously, "I hope the foot feels better with the log away." The woman snarled something else, but the girl remained polite but firm in asking how the foot was. The woman finally stopped growling, and admitted it felt better.

With that, a glow filled the glade, and the ugly woman faded into a beautiful fairy. (You all knew this was coming!) The fairy pronounced the girl so kind and thoughtful in her speech, that she was going to give her a gift. The fairy touched the surprised girl gently on the lips and disappeared.

The girl shook her head in amazement, picked up her sash where it had fallen, and retrieved her wood to return home.

As she entered the cottage, she cheerful called, "I'm home," and two beautiful pearls dropped from her lips to the floor. Every word that passed her lips became a wonderful pearl.

She and her family were thrilled at her good fortune, but not all were happy. That night, her mean sister made her tell again the story of the old woman, and relate where exactly she was to be found. Her jealousy was running high, and she was extra mean.

The next morning the mean sister went into the woods, and she found the ugly old woman again trapped under a log. "Yuck, revolting!" she exclaimed, but she was determined to get her pearls. She moved the log, held her hand over her nose and quickly dabbed at the ankle and wrapped it in her sash. She looked expectantly at the woman, and again exclaimed, "how repulsive!" The woman also berated her for washing the foot, and the girl replied, "Well, your whole sh**ty body could stand to be scrubbed! You f***ing reek!" She also had some other less than kind statements to make before she demanded the woman give her a gift.

There was a pause in the clearing, and again a light filled it. "As you speak, so shall you receive," the fairy said before she slapped the girl smartly across the mouth and disappeared.

The girl wandered home, repeatedly washing her hands and trying to get the smell off them. As she walked into the house with a big smile, the family looked at her expectantly. "I finally got what I deserved!" she exclaimed excitedly- but excitement turned to dismay as six toads flew from her mouth.

The kind girl was kind in action and in words. She didn't let the ugly woman run all over her, but she also didn't insult her back. The girls were foils, one respectful with good boundaries, one disrespectful with poor ones. Where on the spectrum do you fall?

I'm going to talk more about this tale in future posts, but the main question is, are you speaking pearls or toads?


Today's work: Take a serious look at how you talk to your partner. Do you speak with respect or disrespect? Focus on pearls falling from your lips rather than toads.


Image from fdecomite on Flickr