When you get married, move your bubble.

When you marry, it is common wisdom you start a new life.

However, you old life may try like heck to keep you. Family obligations, parental requests, sibling problems all pile up, and you may still be expected to wade in with solutions.

Stop! You got married, move your bubble.

What do I mean?

As a child and young adult your family includes your parents and siblings. That is your family bubble, the initial definition of family for you. That bubble is where your earliest obligations, your supports, and your ties are. It is a natural development of the family.

When you get married, your spouse becomes your primary family, the most important relationship. The bubble now resides around the two of you, and family is in the next bubble out. The couple is first, protected and sustained. Your spouse is the person you go to for support, decisions, and discussions.

Why am I even saying this? Don't people do this naturally?

Actually, no. What I see again and again is couples who are torn asunder by family of origin interference.

These intrusions can take many forms:
- The spouse who puts their parents or siblings' needs before their partner's or the needs of the couple.
- The nosy or bossy parent who still tells their adult married child how they should be/act/think. (And the adult child who blindly follows.)
- The spouse who regularly goes to a sibling or parent to "vent" rather than talk to their partner.
- The parents who expect a child to "take care of" another sibling. (And the child who does so without question.)
- The spouse who goes to their family every time the couple has an argument.
- Family who expects to be able to "drop in" unannounced at any time. (Some even have a key they use.)
- The spouse who refuses to set limits on family, and gets mad at their partner when they want to.

Relationships, like people, need healthy boundaries. A boundary defines one thing from another, and in a relationship, it defines the couple from other things (even family). This is what I mean by a bubble. You have a bubble that defines you and your spouse as a couple. It defines what you mean to each other, where your relationship extends, and how you accomplish things together.

How does this work? By starting everything in the inner couple bubble before moving outward.

For example:
-Decisions need to be made by you and your spouse, not you and your parents.
-Once you have consulted with your spouse and come to an agreement, then you can share and confer with family.
-Choices are discussed between you and your partner, and you both respect those conclusions.
-Your families are expected to respect the decisions made by you as a couple.
-You as a couple evaluate how you both interact with family- holidays, vacations, child rearing, family expectations, money, etc.

Do you understand? The start of discussion and the end decision is always with the couple. Period.

Today's work: Ask yourself some questions about your family of origin.
-If this were an outsider- not related by blood- who was putting the same expectations on you, would you do it?
-If you had the same intense relationship with someone who wasn't related as you do with your family (or one part of it), would it be called an emotional affair?
-Are you taking away energy, focus, or decisions that should be part of the couple? (by the way, that is one definition of an affair.)

Bring the focus back into the bubble around the couple. Start today and concentrate on the inner bubble first before moving outward. Create a strong rewarding relationship that can be healthy and independent part of a larger family.


bubble image from marcusrg on Flickr

If you had a magic wand....

The other day I was on one of those "free" teleconferences about improving business. The presenter was asking the listeners to write down how much money they'd like to be making in 12 months. (I wrote down.... well, I won't tell you!) I knew her sales pitch was "If you work with me, you'll make your goal," but the task got me thinking about relationships (what doesn't?)

It made me think of something important I ask the couples in my office.

I have a feathered glittery toy magic wand, and I ask couples the "magic wand" question: "If I took this magic wand and waved it over the two of you to create the relationship you really want, what would change and how would your relationship look?" I encourage them to think BIG (this is a magic wand!) and really push their imagination. I have them flesh out the image, the behaviors involved, and the feelings they'd feel. I have them make it real.

Why?

Because everyone needs goals to shoot for. If you don't know what you are working toward, then why go through the tough work? If you don't tell me what you want things to look like, I can't help you get there. isualization and speaking goals aloud makes them more attainable.

Too often couples come in wanting things "different" but all that means is "not like it is now." Ever do that? You have no clear conception of what it is you want; you only indicate what you don't want. If you don't know what you want, then you won't know when you get it. You can get stuck in wanting things "different" and never be satisfied.

Also, if you can verbalize what you want, then you can ask for it. If you say to your partner, "I don't like how things are now," but you don't say how you would like them to be, you are missing the important part of the equation. You need to provide the goal. You may not know how you are going to get there, but you need to paint a picture of what "different" looks like. It gives you and your partner a target to aim for.

Lastly, if you have that image, you can practice it by visualization. That will help you live daily from that goal rather than feeling as if it were far away.

Today's courageous work: Sit down with a piece of paper (or more) and write out what you'd like your relationship to look like 12 months from now. Include specific behaviors, events, interactions, and feelings you'd like. Make sure you indicate how things would change as well as what things you'd like to keep. Ask you partner if they'd like to participate- have them read this post if it'll help. Share your goals for the relationship with each other, and make some agreements on how you'll both work toward that target.

Hopefully you'll both score a bulls-eye!

You can love 'em, but you don't have to like 'em!

You can love someone but not like them.

How?

You can feel caring toward someone, but not approve of their behavior. You can care deeply about someone, but chose not to be around them because they are disrespectful of you.

Sometimes the best and most loving thing you can do is make it clear you don't like what they are doing and aren't going to put up with it in your life.

When I was a freshman in college, one of my best friends called from CA to tell me he'd begun using drugs. We talked for awhile about what would be best for him to do, and he shared his ultimate, "I'm selling them too." I was quiet for a short time and then told him, "You are still my friend, and I still care about you, but I do not approve of what you are doing, I wish you would stop." We talked for awhile longer, and hung up. I heard from him a few more times that year, but haven't heard since. I still wonder how he is, but I know I did the right thing. I loved my friend, but I needed him to understand I didn't like what he was doing.

I often see this in divorce proceedings- even though someone has decided (rightly) the relationship is unsalvageable, they second guess themselves. They wonder about the divorce because "I love him/her still." Just because you love someone doesn't mean you have to be in a relationship with them, especially if it involves unhealthy, dangerous or degrading interactions.

Alanon often teaches this: you can love the person who is the alcoholic, but you can hate what they are doing. You dislike the behavior- not the person. In addition, you are not responsible to fix them. You need to make all of these things clear to the person- you love the person, dislike the behaviors, and aren't responsible for them. This final letting go is the biggest gift you can give someone you care about- the gift of treating them like an adult.

Today's work: How are you holding on because of love despite knowing the relationship is unhealthy? Thoughtfully let the other person know you care about them, but don't like their behaviors. Set healthy limits on what you will put up with. Let them know you are not going to be their rescuer, and you are treating them like an adult. Let them know you will be available to support healthy progress.

Are you trapped? Really? Are you sure?

“Within yourself deliverance must be searched for, because each man makes his own prison”

-Edwin Arnold

The other day a client said to me, "I'm trapped." At the time, because I was learning how the couple was functioning, I didn't confront that statement, but it was factually wrong.

No person is trapped; you are choosing to be where you are. Unless someone has you tied down, you always have a choice. She was choosing to remain the way she was, where she was.

Here's the first difficult truth- every situation you are in is due to a choice you made.

I used to say to challenging clients when I worked in a rehab: "Every person in this group earned their seat, and you chose to be here." Usually someone argued they had no choice. It went something like this "I have to be here or..." and the "or" was "my wife will kick me out," "I'll go to jail," "I'll lose my job," etc.

My reply? "You chose to not have those consequences because you don't want them, so it's still a choice. Don't take your choice out on me or anyone else."

Second difficult truth- even if they have a gun to your head, you have a choice. You can refuse to do what they say and risk getting shot.

Now, I know sometimes it's not much of a choice, and we need to minimize the negative consequences of things, but I want you to be aware you make choices all the time. No one traps you into something, you chose to remain there. No one forces you to do something, you do it yourself.

You may make up that you are trapped, you may not like the choices offered to you, or you may be afraid to do something different, but these are all your responsibility. You have alternatives. Challenge the story that you are trapped. Look for other alternatives or determine how you can survive the consequences. Confront your fear and see where you really can go.

Don't use your imagined trap as an excuse.

Why is this important for relationships? When you make up you are trapped, you act like a caged animal. This means you take it out on the people around you- partners first. This usually makes for an even worse situation, and often keeps you from seeing other options.

Today's courageous work: In what ways are you making up you have no choice? How are you imagining you are trapped, stuck, unable to change or move? Look closely, what are your other options? If you decide where you are is the best situation for now, then realize you have made a choice and it is time to optimize it. Move forward with that decision, and stop creating a trap for yourself.


One last note: some people who feel trapped are in truly horrific situations. Some are abused, threatened, scared. I want you to know, you do have options, there is support out there for you. I'm not saying it will be easy, it won't, but it'll be safer for you in the long run. And if children are involved, do you really have a choice? Your first responsibility is to protect them and get them out of danger. If you let children see abuse, then you are letting them be abused.

The National Domestic Violence Hotline can help:
online at http://www.ndvh.org/
or call them at 1.800.799.SAFE (7233) 1.800.787.3224 (TTY)

Heads up.

Years ago when I took the motorcycle safety course (which I recommend to anyone- even if you've been riding for years like I had been,) they taught a very important rule- keep your head up.

I still hear Mary, the instructor, yelling, "Keep your head up, look through the turn." It was the drive-ahead philosophy. When you are on a motorcycle, keep your eyes roaming ahead of you at the distance you can travel in 12 seconds. Keep all the cars, the road surface, and the things along the road in your view so you can respond as you need. It helps keep you from being surprised.

This is a great rule for relationships. Too often you are on autopilot, riding along in your relationship, and all of the sudden you have to react to something unexpected. It seems to come out of the blue, but if you had been attentive, you'd have seen hints it was coming: an increase in fights or silent periods, drifting apart, more time spent at work and away from home.

So, how can you keep your relationship head up?
-Regularly ask your partner how they think the relationship is.
-Keep a journal to record your feelings and thoughts;
-Reread your journal regularly to look for changes or patterns.
-Look at the history of your current relationship- what were the signs things were getting dicey in the past?
-Keep an eye out for these indicators and use healthy skills to diffuse problems.
-Be aware of your patterns in past relationships- see how you may be replicating them in a current one, and heal it.

The nice thing about keeping your head up on a motorcycle is you see so much and enjoy the ride. The same is true about relationships.

Today's courageous work: Write out your patterns you see from the past. Make note of symptoms, signs, and examples so you can be alert for them now. Share these insights with your partner and ask what things they see as well. Make a plan together on how you'll deal with those things if they come up.

Lastly, keep your head up and enjoy the ride!


(picture from a ride I took up at the Hawk's Nest in northern NJ. That's my Vulcan 750)

STOP Using Health in the Service of Your Dis-ease.

Too often I see people using healthy skills in unhealthy ways, and I cringe.

Let me give you some examples:
* Telling someone how you feel but using that "truth" as a weapon
* In the midst of an argument, taking a time-out because you know it'll irritate your partner
* Agreeing to disagree by saying so to your partner, but obviously not really meaning it
* Sharing how you feel with your partner- constantly and overwhelmingly
* Setting a limit as a way to shut down your partner

Let me share what inspired this post. I met a person a few days ago who decided their marriage is unhealthy because they now have a physical illness. They are going to get a divorce because it will give them "a stress free life" (their words) and allow them to never get ill again.

I know most of you would agree it is good to set limits on something that is unhealthy in your life. But I hope most of you would see how this is using limits in a unhealthy way.

How? This person is missing out on the chance to learn from and create something healthy because of the illness. I'm afraid the extreme measures will ultimately cause more harm. That person is using limit setting (a healthy skill) to the extreme (an unhealthy style.)

Limit setting has been used in the service of dis-ease.

This is not to say I think this person should stay in an unhealthy relationship; that is not the message. However, they are not choosing health despite what they are saying about stress. No matter what they do, they may end-up divorced, but a healthy choice means making that decision through working rather than just cutting everything off. They could end-up creating a really great and healthy relationship with their current spouse. Or they could learn from the work, get divorced, and take knowledge into future relationships (as well as share it with their children.)

That is setting limits in a healthy way; "I'm not staying in an unhealthy relationship because I need to care for my own health. How can I work myself in this relationship to make it better or earn my way out?"

What I am saddened by, is seeing people justify their behaviors as "healthy" when they are really just misusing a tool or skill.

* Limit setting should help you be healthy and also connect you to others.
* Sharing is about learning about each other, not dumping.
* Time-outs are for gathering thoughts and feelings, not about annoying someone.
* Agreeing to disagree is about respecting your partner's opinions, not about being right.
* Opening up with your truth is about helping someone understand you, not beating them up.

So, today's courageous work: how are you using healthy skills in unhealthy ways. How do you use them to distance, disconnect, and negate intimacy? How can you better connect, learn, gather, respect, and understand?

Say "I love you"

Last night as I was falling asleep I thought about couples not saying "I love you." Too many people forget how important that one little phrase is. Unfortunately, relationships fail because people don't say it often enough.

When I was dating my husband, my mother told him, "Never give up a chance to hug or kiss Kim and let her know you care; it's good for you both." She was right, and her rule extends to saying "I love you." Never pass up the chance to say it to the one you love.

Now, I'm not encouraging this for some extreme reason like "it may be the last thing you say to them." (But, think how horrible it would be if you let the chance slip by, and it was the last time you saw them!) I am saying those three little words are important in and of themselves for your partner to hear regularly. They need to know you care, and hear how much you care.

Unfortunately people mistake "action speak louder than words" for "I don't have to say it." Wrong. Yes, your actions and words need to be congruent, but you need to use both!

Never give up a chance to hug or kiss and let them know you care; it's good for you both.

I've known people who won't say "I love you" to their spouse over the phone at work. That is just plain silly. If you are married, it is expected you love your spouse, and no one at work can look cross-eyed at a simple reminder of that love. You don't have to become sexually explicit in front of co-workers; that is inappropriate, just say "I love you."

Lastly, "I love you" protects and builds your relationship. The other day I was talking with a friend about extramarital affairs. She asked me why people have affairs, and I told her studies show most men report the affair started because of how the mistress made them feel.

My friend thought for a minute and asked, "So how do you help your husband feel good, even over time?"

"Honest compliments, thank yous, recognizing good things, and liberal doses of 'I love you'," I responded.

How does this work? I tell my husband when I think he looks nice, compliment him on his intelligence and sense of humor, tell others things I like about him (in front of him, too), and tell him daily I love him. These are things I do honestly because I feel them and want to say them. But they also are safe guards against affairs because my husband feels good around me.

Why is it difficult to say "I love you"? Do you struggle with this? You wouldn't be embarrassed to be and act happy, why be embarrassed to feel and express love?

So, show it, say it, and do both often!

coffee heart from coquetboy on Flickr

Dating, changing your oil, and thoughts

Ever hear this one?

A young couple were in the car and the girl says to the boy, "You know, we've been dating for six months!" He replies, "Um hmm."

Nothing more is said, but the girl is thinking, "Wow, he really didn't answer. Did I make him uncomfortable? Maybe I shouldn't have said anything. Now he's thinking I'm pressuring him, and getting too serious. He's mad. Oh, I shouldn't have said that..." and on and on.

The boy is thinking, "Hmmm, six months. I haven't changed the oil in the car since before we started dating. I need to get that done. The car seems to need more maintenance recently, I wonder if I should buy a new one..." and so on.

Most people chuckle (ruefully) when I tell this joke because they recognize themselves. It is a generalization of men and women, but what makes the joke funny is the grain of truth.


What makes it important are the lessons it teaches.

How?

Well, let's start with the girl. What was she doing? She was getting caught up in her own stories, making things up, assuming things. Why is this a problem? Too often the stories you tell yourself are distorted, full of fear or anger. As you see, the girl was beginning to question her statement and it's effect. Your runaway stories cause you to react to madeup things rather than people. These tales create distance between you and those you love.

What could the girl have done differently? First she could confront and stop the out of control stories; reminding herself, "I'm making this stuff up, I need to confirm things." Then she could ask her boyfriend what he is thinking rather than mind-reading. She can be honest in the interaction and share her own thoughts.

Now, the guy has some work to do, too. He gave little to no thought to her comment and immediately moved on. He spent more time thinking about his car than his relationship. Unfortunately many people spend all their time on things other than their relationship. Do you? That's why I have a thriving practice!

What could the boy have done differently? He could have used words to reply to his girlfriend; "You're right, we have been dating that long." In addition he could have given her a chance to share if she had more to say; "What made you think of that?" Or he could have thought for a moment and told her his reaction (thoughts or emotions) to the fact they were together that long.

They both could have interacted- that's what healthy, happy couples do.


This week, pay attention to little interactions like this in your relationship. Do you mind-read and get carried away in your stories? Or do you brush by important moments of interaction and move on? Catch yourself, use those chances to reconnect for just a moment with those you love. You'll be surprised at how much better things can be.

(and don't forget to change your oil regularly.)

Picture of a display at the Route 66 Museum in Oklahoma

You don't get it all...

Do you get stuck in the all-or-nothing trap when trying to make a decision?

The trap is believing the right choice will make everything perfect. That somehow if you make the right choice there will be no downside. Unfortunately, you don't get it all just because you made the "right" choice. In fact, making a choice always means giving something up.

What do I mean?

When you buy a new car, you give up your old one. When you change jobs, you no longer see the old co-workers. When you get married, you give up being single. When you get sober, you stop drinking and visa versa.

Even if decisions are good ones leading to happy things, you still have to give up something. Every choice leads to something lost and something gained- it is the way of the world.

Too many people try to find the path where nothing is lost, no one is hurt, and nothing changes. That is impossible.

If you try to stick to this path most likely everyone will be hurt, more things will be lost, and change will be unpredictable. So make your best choice.

Another thing to keep in mind about your choices: you make your decision with what you know now, not what you'll know in the future. Make the best decision with the information you have at this moment. Just because three weeks from now you learn something new, doesn't mean you made a bad choice now. You do the best you can with what you know; just make sure you take a little time to gather a reasonable amount of information- don't decide blindly.

If you learn something new, you can always edit your decisions.

Lastly, every choice has a worst case scenerio- plan for it, make your choice, then move on. The nice thing about planning for the worst, is you can now survive anything less.

Your work for today: what decisions are you thinking all-or-nothing about? How can you move forward on them? What past choices are you beating yourself up about now that you know more? Stop doing that, and see if you need to make any other choices.

And, good luck!

Ultimatums vs. Limits- I won't take it anymore

This morning I was reminiscing with my mother about the importance of setting limits in life, and we were both wondering why people are so bad at setting healthy limits with others.

Ever wonder?

I said to my mother, "People confuse healthy limits with ultimatums." Then I realized I was right! (Happens more often than most think!) It is the confusion between limits and ultimatums that trips people up.

You see, healthy limits are when you say to someone else, "I am not going to live with ____. You can if you want, and you can continue the behaviors if you want, but I am not going to stay around it." The limit is actually on yourself- what your limit is. You are making your statement of where you will and won't go, and you aren't telling someone else how to be.

In contrast, an ultimatum sounds like this: "I'm not going to put up with _____, and you need to stop it, or I'm going to do _______ to you." You see the difference? You are telling someone how to be, what to do, and making a threat. You are removing the other person's choice, and not working on yourself.

Now, many people will argue this is only semantics, but it is much more than just a word play. The focus, intention, and expectations are totally different in the two cases. In setting limits, your focus is on yourself- on the change you are going to make in order to remain healthy. The intention is not to change someone, but to change yourself, and you let go of expectations of the other person. When you make an ultimatum, you focus on the other person, intending and expecting them to make a change. You are trying to control them rather than take care of yourself.

That's why ultimatums fail. You can't control another person; you can only be in control of yourself (and often only on a good day!)

Let me give you an example from my own life; it's what Mom and I were talking about this morning. Many years ago (January 1st, 1985 to be exact) my mother said, "I am not going to take it anymore." She went on to say she did not appreciate being the butt of the jokes in the house, it was painful, and every time we started she was going to remind us how much it hurt her. Although our family was not intentionally mean, we did pick on each other, and Mom was more often than not on the receiving end. (Amazing how little you recognize your own behaviors until someone points them out. I learned a lot that day and in the subsequent months.) My mother stuck to her word; every time someone started to pick on her, or she was made the brunt of something, she would solemnly and seriously remind us "It's 1985, I do not take that anymore." She didn't threaten, tell us what to do, or order us around, but her quiet insistence (and healthy limit setting) gave us the choice of how we reacted. Not only did we stop picking on her as much, the whole tenor of the household became more positive and supportive.

That's what a healthy limit looks like and what it can do in your life. Thanks Mom for such a wonderful example!

This week take some time to consider your limits. What will you and won't you be a part of? What is unhealthy for you, and how are you going to react to that from now on out? And if you have set limits or failed with ultimatums, what can you learn (and share here?) Focus on how you will react, not on making someone else do something.

Stop Multitasking Your Loved Ones!

I find myself becoming more and more annoyed with multitasking. I'm beginning to realize this tool, once important for business success, is tearing apart our social lives and relationships.

Do you multitask when you are with someone you care about?

Think not? Let me clarify:

*Do you text someone else while holding a conversation with your partner?
*Do you read emails while on the phone with your mother?
*Do you answer a call 'for just a minute' in the middle of a get together?
*Are you watching television while talking to your brother on the phone?
*Do you play video games while talking to your partner?
*Do you read your texts while meeting with your therapist?
*Are you unable to turn off your phone while you are with someone and have to look to see who is calling/texting?
*Do open your emails as soon as you get home, while also checking in with your spouse?

These are only a few ways you may be multitasking youself out of your relationships.

Why is it a problem? Because it is rude!

Multitasking- once meant to be used with inanimate objects that wouldn't care (your computer, a spreadsheet, a program, a game)- is now being used with those we need to connect with. Multitasking is about spreading our attention and focus. It diffuses any connection we have.

Do you believe the person and relationship isn't affected? Everyone can tell you they hear the distraction in your voice as you watch TV, read your email, play the game, text someone else. I'll bet you recognize it when someone does it to you. It is rude.

Let me say that again; it is rude and you need to stop.

Why? It's cheapening your relationship. In addition, studies have shown multitasking on complex tasks (like relating to someone) actually decreases your productivity. In other words, you do both things worse, and actually don't save time because you have to spend time fixing or improving the shoddy work you did while multitasking.

So, today's courageous work is to stop multitasking. When you are on the phone with someone you care about- pay attention to them. When you are with someone, turn off your phone and be with them; let it go to voice-mail, the world won't end. Save your multitasking for the computer, music, video games, and other inanimate objects that won't care before you turn your relationship into something you don't want.


Statue of Apollo and Daphne- as she is turning away from him and changing into a tree to escape his advances.

Little acts of love- your rituals

Everyone has little love rituals. Or they should have them if they want a connected, intimate and loving relationship. They are the little things you do just for each other- acts you may have agreed upon, or things that have grown over time.

Here are some examples:

-Using the "I love you" sign from ASL when you drive away.
-Meeting someone at the door with a hug.
-Calling your partner out of the blue just to say hello.
-Giving a shoulder rub to your partner at the computer.
-Taking turns watching each other's favorite television show.

Why are they important?

John Gottman wrote it takes five positive interactions to replace one negative interaction- these love rituals are your positives. The rituals are the glue that holds you together, the familiar that feels good, the eraser that wipes away small angers.

I'll share with you one ritual my husband and I have. We hug whenever one of us comes home from being out for a time. Whatever the person at home is doing, they make the time to stop and hug the returning partner. It helps us both remember we are important.

Interestingly enough, our cats have learned this ritual and come rub against the ankles of the returning family member as well! Group hug.

So, what are your little rituals? What do you do to help the machine of your relationship smoothly operate? What small things have real meaning? What can you add to your rituals?

Holding onto feelings...

Believe it or not, when you try to hold onto any feeling, you do yourself a disservice.

Most people know it's not good to be stuck in sadness, but even trying to be happy at all times is unhealthy.

Why? Because as a human, you are made to experience all emotions- even the ones you think of as negative or "bad".

Emotions are one way you know the world. You experience the world through your senses- sight, sound, taste, touch, hearing. You understand the world through what you think about it- what you have been taught, and what you have determined for yourself. You thoughts reflect how you experience the world. Your emotions also tell you about your world- what to avoid, what to continue, and what to seek out.

Let me give you some examples. There are six emotions recognized the world around- universal emotions, if you will. The facial expression for each of these emotions is the same in Hong Kong as in Poland as in Brazil. They are disgust, surprise, fear, anger, sadness, and happiness, and I like to think of them as survival emotions. Think about it, if something disgusts you (particularly in taste) it is probably bad for you, if not poisonous. Traditionally, for our ancestors, surprise actually wasn't something good, it was to be avoided. Fear and anger are responses to threats while sadness and happiness tell you about things you don't or do want to happen again, respectively. The emotions give insight into yourself and the world around you.

That is why I say you can't hold onto any one feeling without causing harm- it is like removing all but one of your senses. Do you want to go through life only being able to taste?

This week's work: Recognize when you are trying to stop a new feeling and hold onto another. Learn from each emotion you have; what can each teach you? Talk with your partner about your feelings and what they tell you about you and your relationship.


Cats from HdO~Helene on Flickr

The Tyranny of Sweetness and Light.

If you can't say anything nice... don't say anything at all.

Have you heard this before? Do you follow it?

Well, it's a severe fallacy in one way and a profound truth in another.

What?!? I'll explain.

The untruth in the statement is caused by taking it literally. You believe to say anything that is unpleasant is a no-no; that you only should say pretty, gentle and "nice" things. "Good men/women" are always pleasant and nice. Wrong.

Life isn't only about pretty and nice. Sorry.

I ask my groups, "What would you think if I waltzed in here and told you everything is sweetness and light?" They'd usually answer something like: "I want what drug you are on," or "I'd say you have no sense of reality!" They recognized life has bad moments, difficulties, and struggles. (It also has sweetness and light, but I'll write about that in another post.) The problem with the statement comes about when you get caught in "don't say anything at all" when you are faced with the "not nice" things.

Sometimes you have to talk to another person about difficulties- you have to say something rather than nothing at all or the struggles will destroy your relationship. That's when you need to challenge the tyranny of sweetness and light which is holding you hostage to how things "should" be.

However, the "if you can't say anything nice" statement is profoundly true as well- what a paradox.

Why do I say it is true?

When you do talk about difficulties, you need to say it in a way it can be heard. That translates into: no meaness, no blaming, and clear communication about your own experiences and wants; in other words, nice! I'm not talking about sugar coated sweetness that doesn't really express anything; I mean direct, tactful, and honest communication with a request. If you can't do this, then you aren't really communicating.

So I guess "If you can't say anything nice, don't say anything at all" is true as long as you hold to the spirit of it rather than the letter of it.

Today's work: What things are you stuffing because you think it's not "nice" to talk about them? How can you speak your truth with tact so it can be heard?


photo from totalAldo on Flickr

You on vinyl

One day I had a great image of how life works. It's simple, but I like it, so I'm sharing.

Imagine your life is a vinyl record (if you can't remember what one looks like, check out http://tinyurl.com/k2fyf), but your record is colored in multiple bright pie pieces (like a pie chart.)

Got the image? Good, let's take it further.

Like the needle you start (are dropped) at the outer edge of the record and move toward the center, life slowly revolving along. As you move in your track (the groove), each bump and smooth stretch creates your life experiences- your music, if you will. Life revolves around, and you approach each color again and again; like you approach the same issue in your life over and over. The interesting thing is as you get closer to the center each issue is slightly smaller, and you've been through it before. As you circle inward you hopefully deal better and better with the issue. If not, it becomes more intense, the music louder, in that shorter span. Ultimately you reach the center.

I could play with this metaphor further, but I want you to consider the colored pie pieces. Each color represents a major theme in your life or in your relationship.

How many times have you heard couples have the same fight over and over again for years? It's because you do cross through issues repeatedly in your lives, and have to deal with them again. Hopefully, because you have worked on them earlier, you spend less time in them the second, third and fourth time.

This is why it's not good to sweep issues under the rug. You must pull them out, talk about them, and come to some sort of solution, or you'll find the intensity of the music the next time you reach that color is getting deafening.

Today's courageous work: Take a look at your life or relationship so far. What do you think are the major issues (colors on your record)? What themes have come up again and again for you? How have you dealt with those things in the past? Which things have you stuffed or ignored, and how can you deal with them so they aren't overwhelming when they show up again? What do you have to speak up about in your relationship?

And one last question: how else would you expand on the record metaphor?


cool picture from thitchenson on Flickr