Monkey see, monkey don't. Is life fair?

I recently was referred to video on primate behaviors. The scientist talked about how watching monkeys could provide insight into human interactions. It was dry, but interesting to watch... once.

However, what caught my attention was how the monkeys grasped a concept of fairness, and what they would do if they thought things weren't fair. It was an eye-opener for relationships.

Now, you can ask my husband, fairness is a big "button" for me, but I'm learning! *grin*

Anyway, what the researchers did was asked the monkeys to perform a simple task- handing a pebble back to the researcher. If the monkey did this, they received a treat, a piece of cucumber which the monkeys liked to eat. The monkeys would contentedly give the pebble back all day to get cukes.

Then the rules changed; the researchers introduced grapes, and the monkeys loved the grapes.

The researchers decided to see how the monkeys would react to getting different rewards. Two monkeys were side by side in two cages- they could see what each other did and received in return. As long as the monkeys were getting the same rewards (grapes or cucumbers), they happily returned the pebble, but when one monkey received a grape and the other one a cuke, the happiness fled. The cucumber rewarded monkey stopped giving the pebble back, threw the cuke out of the cage, and sat in the back corner. It refused to participate despite getting the same reward it had happily munched on before.

The monkey had decided things weren't fair and so it denied itself what it could get. The scientist said the monkey wasn't a rational maximizer. In other words, it irrationally denied itself any reward (or food, required for survival) because of what someone else had.

What does this have to do with relationships?

Humans aren't rational maximizers either. Have you ever been happy, content, okay with something until you see what someone else has? You are happy with your partner, until you see another person's partner acting in some way you would like. You are pleased with your car until your neighbor drives in with a newer racier one. You are content in your job until you learn the new hire is getting paid more for the same work.

Unfortunately, what people start to do is create discontent in themselves, they pick at their relationship, act out at work, belittle their car. They react like the monkey, and they make their lives unhappy. It's the same job, relationship, and car they had yesterday and were happy with!

There is a line in a Sheryl Crow song; "It's not having what you want, it's wanting what you've got." It is so true- recognizing you have a good thing is really important for a happy life and an intimate relationship. Once you start comparing, all you do is create distress.

Today's work: Stop comparing and take a good solid look at the positives in your relationship. Don't compare to someone else's partnership, look at your own. Does it fullfull you needs and wants? Do you feel basically good in it most of the time? If not, speak up tactfully and with healthy communication to get what you need or want.

If you have any other ideas how the monkeys relate to people, please comment.

cute baby monkey with tongue stuck out from doug88888 on Flickr

Lessons in Loss

Today is the anniversary of the death of my father. It is a strange, because I am surprisingly okay. I have my own private beliefs about death and a strong sense of spirituality and religion which probably help, but what helps most are my memories. I'm really lucky to have good memories of my Dad, and I'd like to share a few here.

I remember hiking through the NC mountains with my father and brother to find the perfect trout streams. This involved getting up at 4am and driving into the mountains to be there when the sun rose. We packed tuna sandwiches which I carried and often promptly squished. (Hey, I was 9!) I also "fell" into the streams rather early on most days so I didn't have to be carried across the deeper ones. Dad grumbled at my "accidents" but I think he knew.

When I went 6 hours away to college, my father drove up on multiple weekends that first year to bring me home for the weekend. It meant getting in the car for 12 hour round trips, but he did it even without me asking. I think he did it because he wanted me to come home.

After my wedding we all played softball (yep, and it was great!) My father, a wonderful sports enthusiast, got up and hit some slams into the way outfield. I got to run for him. He had a blast.

I also remember him tearing up when we stood in the back of the church that morning- only one of three times I remember seeing him cry.

At holidays my father was the storyteller. He'd regale all of us and anyone new with stories from his life: the cars he'd owned, hunting and fishing tales, the dogs in his life, and his college jobs. He had his favorites and we all loved to hear them told. Luckily, a few years before he died we gave him a journal to record his stories- he did, and Mom still has it.

As I type, I realize the things I remember most about Dad are the good times. All the things that were difficult and earth-shattering at the time I seem to have forgotten. Maybe not forgotten, but they aren't so important anymore.

I gained much from my father: a love of family, interest in playing sports, wonder about nature, enjoyment in birds, a strong work ethic, the ability to drive long distances, and a fondness for reminiscent stories. I'm sure there's so much more.

Loss has taught me my real lesson- wonder, love, caring and connection live on while the other things fade away.

I hope love and wonder stay with you folks even after loss, too.


image from zevotron on Flickr

What to do with worry.

Do you worry too much? Does agonizing about the past or fretting about the future keep you up at night? Are you always anxious?

You are not alone. Many people struggle with worry and anxiety, and most feel it is out of their control. However, there are ways you can train yourself to put aside worry for a time.

One of those ways is a worry box. I'll outline how you make and use one in this post- I hope it helps.

1. Chose a box. I have used small shoe boxes, altoid boxes, other candy boxes, battery boxes, and I’ve even made my own boxes. You can buy small interestingly shaped boxes at craft stores as well. I like the altoid boxes because they are small and sturdy enough to fit in a man’s pocket or a woman’s purse to take anywhere.

2. Take time to decorate your box with collage. This is optional, but it makes it personal. It is best to use words/letters/pictures from magazines that have meaning or just appeal to you. If the box is metal, you will need to use decoupage glue you can find at a craft store; it sticks to metals and works with paper as well. Even if you use a paper based box, this type of glue is nice because you can overcoat your finished box to give it a varnished effect. You just use a brush to put glue on the box, put the picture/word on the glue, and you can spread more glue over it to “varnish” it down.

Some words of warning,and I've seen these things happen: do not put collage or glue where the lid needs to overlap on the box, or it won’t close. Do not glue your box closed accidentally if you are decorating the inside or along the outside edge. Don’t use water based markers; they will run in the glue. Let it all dry completely before using.

3. Over the course of the week, when you are worrying, write the worry down and put it in the box. (With the smaller boxes a post-it note works really well for this.) As you write the worry down, tell yourself you are putting it into the box until your predetermined time to worry about it. Then you are to stop worrying about it for that moment. If it comes up, remind yourself it is in your box until later, and refocus on something else.

4. Chose a time during the week when you will allow yourself to worry for a specific amount of time. For example: “On Wednesday at 6pm I am giving myself one hour where I will allow myself to worry about these things.” This makes it easier when you put something in the box; you say, “I’m putting this here until Wednesday.”

5. At your specific time get your box out and do the following. First you sort your papers into three piles: 1) worries, 2) problems, and 3) no longer an issue. A problem is something you can take a step towards doing something about, a worry you can’t do a single thing about, and something that’s not an issue anymore is self explanatory.

6. Discard pile number three- throw them out. You’ll be surprised how many things end up in this pile over time.

7. Take pile number two- the problems. Look at each one and determine one or two simple action steps you will take before the next scheduled worry time. Write them on your to-do list and on the back of the problem itself. Place the little paper back into the box. Do the steps you have identified before your next worry date. At the next date, review what you did and what you can do next. You may find they have changed to a different pile or you want to add another step.

8. Lastly, look at your worry pile. Remember, these are the things you can do nothing about. Now it is time to allow yourself to worry. Take the rest of the hour you have allotted and worry about them. Worry for the whole rest of the time and do nothing else. Stop when the time is up and put the worries back in the box until next week.

9. Continue to use the box to store worries and use your allotted time (no more than an hour each week) to sort and deal with them.

This technique may see simplistic but it is about limiting the time worry takes out of your life as well as about honoring the need or want to worry. It provides a limited time to worry and a structured place and time to do so. Some people are concerned (worried?) they won't be able to limit themselves, but that is the lesson of this technique- you are in control of how you let worry consume you.

Interestingly, clients who have used worry boxes report their overall level of worry begins to decline. They begin to sort worries from problems and addressing problems at the moment. Amazing to them is the day they find they are struggling to worry the whole weekly hour they have given to themselves; worry used to consume whole days!

Today's work: Do you need to limit your worrying? Do others say you are too anxious? Create your own worry box or something similar and begin to take control of your life. Share this post with friends or loved ones who worry too much. Teach your kids how to control worry; it's a great gift.


One warning: Anxiety disorders are the most common mental illness in the U.S., affecting 40 million adults in the United States age 18 and older (18.1% of U.S. population). Anxiety disorders are serious, and if you think you suffer from one, please see a psychiatrist (who is a specialist in these sorts of things.) The worry box can help, but if you have a chemical imbalance it needs to be addressed.


picture from spaceodissey on Flickr

It's the little things that really matter

I honestly see with my clients (and in my own marriage) it's the little things that matter in a relationship.

When it is all said and done, if there aren't a multitude of small moments when one person gives to their partner, the relationship is in major trouble.

What do I mean by little things?

One may be him making an effort to listen and biting his lip when he wants to tell her what to do.

It may not seem like a huge event, but it creates a moment of caring rather than a fight. That choice leads to connection not a disconnect.

It's like the time when she refrains from asking him repeatedly to do something he already agreed to do.

How is that important? When she holds back she is treating him like the adult he is and respecting his word. It makes for task completion rather than avoidance or resentment.

The little thing may be him remembering she likes chocolate rather than vanilla ice cream when he's picking up groceries.

This may seem insignificant, but it shows her she matters and he cares enough to remember even a little thing. This thoughtful gesture links the two in a moment of intimacy.

The small gesture she makes may be her remembering his mother's favorite color when they are choosing a birthday gift.

He then sees she keeps his family in mind. He knows she is able to support him when he needs to deal with family issues and connections. They are a team rather than merely individuals standing next to one another.

Why do I say a relationship is in trouble without these little things?

Because it is these small moments of caring that feed and water your relationship. It is these choices that show how much you care or are cared for. In the small second it takes to remember something or do something nice, you convey the whole of your attitude toward your partner and the relationship.

It may sound corny, but the little things make the relationship bigger.

What are some little things you do for your partner to create intimacy, connection and a healthier relationship?


Today's work: What are the little things you can start doing to make your relationship better? What things are you doing that you need to continue to do? What small things is your partner doing that you can recognize and appreciate? Remember, it is with the little daily interactions that you build a larger meaning; make them considerate and worthwhile.


By the way, I found those shark's teeth, and they are that small!

Good Relationships are Good Business

Just today Mike at the Toilet Paper Entrepreneur blog asked a question about business and sex. You'll have to go to http://tinyurl.com/6y8ju6 to check my answer out when he posts tomorrow, but it got me to thinking.

Having a good relationship is good for your work, too.

How can I say this? Isn't work one thing and home another? No. Too many people, men especially, separate work and home into two boxes, never the twain shall meet. They try to keep everything distinct, unconnected.

This is totally silly- work and home meet through you! You go to work and you go home, you take them both along with you, and they influence each other. It's detrimental to think they are isolated.

Let me give you an example: have you been really upset at or unhappy with work, and it just feels good to come home to a safe happy place? You can let go of all the stress from work, relax some for the evening, and just forget. Now, imagine if home was a place of chaos and distraction. Do you think you'd be able to let go, relax, and forget. Nope. You wouldn't be able to recharge in order to face the next day at work. Ultimately it would tear you down.

That's why I say good relationships are good business. In times of stress at work, a good relationship helps support you, gives you energy, gives you strength, and balances you. It's a powerful business tool! Bet you didn't think of it that way.

So, to truly excel at work, you need to excel in your relationship. You need to spend as much thought and time on your relationship as you do on your work activities. The investment will reap big dividends.

This week's work: Think of your relationship as an investment. Are there any ways you are neglecting your relationship? How can you recreate your relationship so it is a place of refuge for both of you? How can you invest more in your relationship in order to gain more out of life overall?


And check on Mike's site to see what I had to say about sex, relationships, and being an entrepreneur!


Picture is a Danboard Superbox made by a fan- look for it on flickr

Softball,double plays, and understanding work

This morning while I was in the gym I happened to watch a sports top 10. Great plays, happy crowds, and smiles abounded. It got me thinking about something from my past, and I thought I'd share.

Long ago when I was 13 years old, I played on a softball team for women. I loved softball, I lived it, I breathed it, and I was darn good at it. I was a first base maven; I didn't have the rocket arm to play shortstop, but I could catch pretty much anything you flung at me. During one play the batter blasted a flaming fast grounder my way. I snagged it, tagged the girl passing me toward second, and outran the batter to first- all without thinking. I was surprised when my coach, the team, and the crowd went wild- I had made a double play by myself! I shrugged and said, "It was the thing to do, anyone would have done it."

But the fact of the matter is, not everyone could have. Not to blow my own horn, but I was really good, so what I did felt natural. I minimized it because I loved it, could do it, and did it well.

This is a problem I often see in my office. The first person minimizes the work their partner is doing because it is easy for the first person. "Oh, he/she should just know how to communicate/open up/handle anger/be logical/ etc. It's simple."

It's not simple for everyone. Just because you are good at something, or comfortable doing it, doesn't mean your partner is.

Let me give you an example. One person is often the communicator; loves to share, thinks it is important, is practiced at it. A large percentage of the time the other person is more quiet, reserved, and less practiced at sharing. The talker asks their partner to share more (and I have to get them to be specific about what that means.) When the quiet one does what is asked, the talker then minimizes it. "Oh, sharing is easy; my partner is getting off lightly on the work they have to do for this relationship." The talker is missing the point that sharing is truly difficult for their partner. If the talker continues with this misunderstanding, the relationship may take quite a nosedive.

You really need to recognize the work your partner is doing even if it would be easy for you.

Why? If you don't your partner will stop doing it. No one continues something difficult unless it produces results. If your partner is doing something you asked them to do, and it is tough for them, then you need to let them know you appreciate it. They need the result of recognition, not minimizing.

Today's work: take a look at the things you have asked your partner to do. Talk with them about the difficulty they have with it, and recognize the work they are doing. Let them know you appreciate them trying even through the difficulty. Pull back from the assumption "anyone can do that" and be real.

And when you are next planning on playing softball, give me a call- I'm still darned good at first!

Being Barry- space aliens, soap, and the truth.

I was recently reading a great short story by George Alec Effinger called "The Aliens who Knew, I Mean, Everything." It's about a group of friendly aliens who come to Earth and help humans establish world peace, end poverty, etc., but it is the way they do it which is the kicker. It relates to this post, but I won't spoil the storyline, read it yourself.

However, I do wish to talk about one character in the story, Barry. I'll let the author explain:

"Barry was a wealth of information.
He was the campus arbiter of good taste.
Everyone knew Barry was the man to ask.
But no one ever did. We all hated his guts."

Barry told everyone who the best artist was, what food and drink to order at a restaurant, what made a good or bad president, what pet everyone should have, what books were worth reading... you get the picture. "To Barry, the world was divided into masterpieces and abominations.... He never understood why his friends could never tell one from the other."

Barry makes for funny reading, but his plight is serious. Do you know why?

You see, Barry is stuck in being right rather than being relational. He knows what is best, and he's going to tell everyone, and doesn't understand why others don't agree with him. Isn't his way best? Aren't his arguements clear? Maybe, but everyone still hates his guts.

Why? Because Barry doesn't listen, he sticks to his truth as if it were The Truth, and misses the rest of the world.

Barry is an extreme example, but have you ever stuck to your truth and refused to hear someone else's? You may have negated your partner's arguments as "irrational" or "overly emotional." You may have felt if you could "just get them to listen and understand, they'd see it my way."

Yep, you were Barry.

I feel into this trap right out of college. It was my first job, and I was full of excitement about what I was doing, what I learned in school, and how things are "supposed" to work in treatment. I wasn't shy about sharing this information, and I did so in an excited happy way. One day, Bobby, the head nurse took me aside and shared a revelation with me. "Kim," she said, "all of these nurses have been doing this for a long time. We understand you have great intentions, but you need to stop telling us how to do our jobs."

It hit me then, I was telling people what they should be doing, even when I was making nice "suggestions" (repeatedly). I'd not asked them why they were doing things the way they did. I had not respected their experience and knowledge. I was lucky to have Bobby; she could help me see my mistake before I drove my co-workers away. It was an important lesson that stuck through the years.

The lesson? Being right drives people away. Being relational keeps them around.

Have you also fallen into this habit? Have you changed it? Have you known someone who does this? How have you dealt with them? Share in the comments; I'd love to read about it.


Today's work: How are you being Barry? Do you negate what others say? Do you know what is right, and make sure others know it? Do you make polite but insistent suggestions to others? Turn these habits around by listening, making sure you acknowledge ideas are your way of seeing them, recognize others have opinions too. Stop being Barry.


Character, Barry, and quotes are from "The Mammoth Book of Comic Fantasy II" edited by Mike Ashley.
Picture of soaps by Debbie Chialtas- check out her cool stuff! http://www.soapylove.blogspot.com/

Find me on the TPE

FYI, I like to share ideas with other blogs, and this week I'm on the Toilet Paper Entrepreneur.

Find my suggestion (#38) and come back to tell me what you think of it!

http://www.toiletpaperentrepreneur.com/blog/44-ways-how-to-find-a-mentor

I'm also on Mike's TPE blog about how to stay focused. See what my suggestion (#33) is there too!

Don't forget to come back here and leave a comment!


Oh, and sign my guest book so I know you are around, please.

Are your friends friendly to your relationship?

Friendship is a wonderful thing. It helps you grow, provides happy interactions, gives you support, keeps you real, and when healthy, encourages you in a wonderful relationship with your partner.

Where it all falls apart is when friendship actually is a detriment to your relationship.

What do I mean?

I'm talking about the friends who in subtle and not so subtle ways undermine your healthy relationship. They complain about your partner or insult them; they "kindly" point out "flaws" in your relationship, or they encourage you to only talk about the things that are going wrong between you. They may even instigate problems between you and your partner in various ways.

Why would someone who cares about you (as a friend should) do these things?

First, your friend may miss you as a single and available person. Meaning, they liked when you were more available to them. Face it, when you started dating, you became less available to your friends- hopefully not totally unavailable- but still, you have less time. Because of this, your friend may resent your relationship and be inadvertently negative toward it.

Also, your friend may have their own issues around relationships. I had one client, "Dana", who was working on her marriage. They were separated because they had been fighting a lot and he was struggling with how he felt overall (there were no major indiscretions.) Dana had two friends who kept telling her to leave him and "find someone better." She said to me, "I know he's a good man, I love him, and we want to work it out. Why would they keep telling me this?" Turns out, one friend was getting ready to divorce her own husband, and the other came from a family with multiple divorces. They both had their own template of how to cope with marriage problems- divorce, but that wasn't what Dana wanted to do.

Lastly, you may have biased your friend away from your partner. If you only talk with your friends about the bad times you have in your relationship, all they will think is it is terrible. They'll truly be concerned about you, and rightly so if you've painted a black picture.

So what do you do?
Dump all your friends when you start dating? No!
Never talk to your friends about your relationship? No!

Do make sure you don't lose track of your friends when you start dating. Friendship is a very important part of life- single or in a relationship. Make time to see or talk to your friends, and keep up with what's going on in their lives. This will help them see and feel you are still available to them. Don't cancel repeatedly to go out with your partner.

Run everything past your "gut". If your friend is giving you relationship "advice" see how it feels. If it feels wrong to you, realize it may be more about your friend than about your relationship. Take into account where your friend may be- they may have had a fight with their partner, they may come from divorce personally or in their family, or they may just be having a bad day.

Don't just rant about your relationship; make sure you talk about what you love and like about your partner. Remember, your friends need to be comfortable around your chosen mate- if all they hear is trash talk, then they'll feel awkward when with your partner. You can share your struggles, but make sure they hear the balance.

Be honest with your friend. If they are negative about your relationship and it bothers you, let them know. Tell them you want to hear their concerns, but in a helpful way. Let them know you appreciate the support, and tell them how you want them to express it. However, don't shut them down, or you aren't really acting like a friend, either.

Remember "Dana"? Unfortunately, she had to ask her two friends not to make negative comments about her marriage. She told them it was her choice to work on the relationship with her husband, and she would appreciate if they respected that decision. One could, and Dana valued that; they actually talked over time about it. The other friend kept being negative, and Dana had to limit her time with that woman; Dana also wouldn't talk at all about her partner to that person ever again.

Dana did have a third friend who expressed concerned, but asked her questions in a non-judgmental way. The friend was open to Dana's responses and told her "I'm here for you, and I'll support you in whatever you decide." This was such a great relief to Dana, and she was happy to have this friend around. This is how you want your friends to be.

This week's work: Take a survey of your friendships: do they support you being healthy in a good relationship? If not, how can you improve interactions with your friends? Do you need to stop trash-talking your partner to them? Do you need to limit how much negativity you accept from them? Do you need to ask them to modify how they express their concerns?

One last note, "Dana" and her husband are still together seven years later and report their marriage is better than ever due to the work they did. Dana's two negative friends actually have shifted away and she rarely hears from them. She's still friends with the supportive woman.

Picture from freeparking's flickr page.



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Declaration of Interdependence.

(image from Drew Myers on flickr)

On this Holiday I was thinking of

the Declaration of Independence,

and I decided to reread it.

Surprisingly, I noticed

if a few words were changed,

it was about relationships.

(I bet you aren't surprised!)

With a nod to Thomas Jefferson,

I made my revisions and share them here.

When in the Course of human interactions,
it becomes necessary for one person
to dissolve the relationship patterns
which have linked them with another,

and to assume among the powers of the earth,
the connected and intimate station

to which the Laws of Nature and of Nature's God entitle them,

a decent respect to the opinions of mankind requires

they should declare the causes which impel them to the separation.

We hold these truths to be self-evident,

that all are created equal,

that they are endowed by their Creator

with certain unalienable Rights,

that among these are Love, Connection

and the pursuit of Cherishing interactions.

That to secure these rights,

relationships are instituted among couples,

deriving their just powers from the consent of the individuals.

That whenever any Form of relationship becomes

destructive of these ends,

it is the Right of the Couple to alter or to abolish it,

and to institute a new and changed relationship,

laying its foundation on such principles and organizing its powers

in such form, as to them shall seem most likely

to effect their Safety and Happiness.

Prudence, indeed, will dictate that relationships long established

should not be changed for light and transient causes.

But when a long train of abuses and usurpations

evinces a design to reduce on person under absolute Despotism,

it is their right, it is their duty, to throw off such relationship,

and to provide new Guards for their future security.

Nor has this individual been wanting in attentions to their partner.

They have warned of attempts to extend unwarrantable jurisdiction.

They have reminded them of the communication and respect needed.

They have appealed to their native justice and magnanimity,

and they have conjured them by the ties of love

to disavow the unhealthy conduct,

which, would inevitably interrupt connections and caring.

The partner has been deaf to the voice of justice and of consanguinity.

One must, therefore, acquiesce in the necessity,

which announces Separation,

and hold them at distance until satisfied and healed.

We, the Representatives of the United States of Relating,

appealing to the Supreme for the rectitude of our intentions, do,

in the Name, and by Authority

of the good People of Healthy Relationships,

solemnly publish and declare,

That these individuals seeking health, love and respect are,

and of Right ought to be Free;

that they are Absolved from all Allegiance to

unhealthy behaviors, disconnects, and disrespect,

and that all relational connection between them

and those who would disagree,

is and ought to be totally dissolved;

and that as Free and Independent Individuals,

they have full Power to levy Disagreements,

conclude Peace, create Intimacy, establish Connection,

and to do other Acts which cherishing Individuals may of right do.

And for the support of this Declaration,

with a firm reliance on the protection of divine Providence,

we mutually pledge to each other

our Love, our Respect and our sacred Honor.

How could it get this bad?

Or, why didn't I see it coming? Or, why didn't I get out of this sooner?

I've had so many individuals ask me this as they come into my office after divorce or the breakup of a long term relationship. It's like they never saw the clouds amassing for a storm.

Have you ever asked yourself any of these questions? Did you find a good answer? I have an idea.

One thing that happens as you build relationships is you create a baseline of what you will accept from another person. The problem is, if you don't step in on small things you find unacceptable, the other person feels free to up the ante. It isn't their fault, you have allowed them to act that way.

Let me give you an example: partner A speaks disrespectfully to partner B. B lets it slide, "Oh, A is just in a grouchy mood" (the sky is a little grey in the west.) Now A thinks speaking disrepectfully is acceptable and does it at another time, but with more volume or violence. B now thinks, "Well, that's not much worse than A's done before; I don't need to make a fuss about such a little thing." The new floor is set, the clouds are darker. If this keeps progressing, soon A may be pushing B. "It's just a little shove," B says.

You see where I'm going? Ultimately the shove could become even more physically violent behaviors, the storm breaks loose. All because the floor was allowed to rise, and both partners minimized what was happening.

I know that is an extreme example, but I see it happen in big and small things. You can chose not to say anything when your child acts disrespectfully toward you. You child then gets more disrespectful and doesn't listen to you. You can refrain from asking your spouse to put a dish in the dishwasher; next thing you know you're putting all the dishes in and doing all the laundry. You then ask "how did this happen?" (why am I standing in the pouring rain?)

It happened one step, one up-the-ante at a time.

Couples and individuals come to my office because they have let things progress. Now they don't know how to go backward. Often they feel it is over, the storm has destroyed everything.

How do you stop it? Cry.

No, not throw a tantrum, turn on the waterworks, or bawl- C.R.Y.

Communicate. If something bothers you, say something in a tactful, honest and respectful way. Don't let that behavior be the new floor of acceptable actions. Express clearly what bothered you, what you want, and what will happen if it doesn't come. Not a threat, a limit; your partner can chose what they want to do. Also make sure you listen (an important part of communication) to your partner when they give you feedback. You need to know where their floor is.

Respect. Make sure you are giving and getting respect. This means in your head, too. Don't disrespect your partner in your head; it'll show in your body language. Also, respect yourself, stand up firmly for what you need and want. Respect what you say, don't say something unless you intend to follow through- if you set a limit, be prepared to do what you say.

Yourself. You have work to do, too. Don't think this is all about the other person changing or stopping something. Be open to feedback, and make your own changes. Pay attention to what your gut is telling you; listen to your own inner wisdom. If something bothers you, don't minimize it and push it aside; deal with it.

If you use these three simple ideas daily in your relationship, you'll keep a weather eye on how things are changing. You'll be able to catch things before they get on a slippery slope with a downward slide. You can come inside out of the rain before it happens.

Your Work Today: Where have you let things go further than you really want? Start making requests and setting limits around these things. You can slowly lower the floor if you are firm and consistant.

Picture from OMG on Flickr

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