Reversing the Golden Rule

Henri Matisse, French impressionist painter, said "What I dream of is an art of balance."

What I dream of is couples using balance in their relationships, especially when using the "Golden Rule."

For those who aren't sure what I'm talking about, the "Golden Rule" basically states you only do to others that which you would want them to do to you. I always thought this was primarily Christian, but it transcends religious and spiritual boundaries; I found it resides in most beliefs, has been reiterated by multiple philosophers, and is represented in many ethical systems.

Judaism:

"What is hateful to you, do not to your fellow man.
This is the law: all the rest is commentary."
Talmud, Shabbat 31a.

Native Americans:

"All things are our relatives;
what we do to everything, we do to ourselves.
All is really One." Black Elk

Shinto:

"The heart of the person before you is a mirror.
See there your own form"

Buddhism:

"Hurt not others in ways that you yourself would find hurtful."
Udana-Varga

Islam:
"Not one of you truly believes
until you wish for others what you wish for yourself."
The Prophet Muhammad

I could go on for dozens of quotes, but I think you get the point. (If you are interested, leave a comment, and I'll send you the list I've gathered. It is a real interesting read.)

Why am I bringing this up in regards to relationships?

Aside from the obvious message which you just read multiple times, I want to point out the reverse is also true. You should not allow yourself to be treated in a way you would not treat someone else.

It seems obvious, doesn't it? But too many people don't follow this life rule, and it hurts them and their relationships.

Someone who allows another to treat them disrespectfully, meanly, or abusively, loses self-esteem and isn't esteemed by the other person. They allow their relationship to degenerate in a failed attempt to somehow placate the other person.

Have you done this? Then you aren't living the full meaning of the Golden Rule; you are missing the balance.

It is the balance of giving and expecting the same treatment that creates truly respectful, intimate, and connected relationships.

How?

Because you can trust one another. Because you respect one another. Because love, intimacy, and connection can only flourish where there is trust and respect. Because when you treat each other as you would wish to be treated, you can really communicate, solve problems, and live fully.

Today's challenge: Pay attention not only to following the Golden Rule in your actions, but also in how you allow yourself to be treated. If you find someone isn't treating you in a way you would like, then talk to them about it, and let them know what you would like. Ask them, like you would want them to ask you.

I'll leave you with Confucianism's take on it:

"Tse-kung asked, 'Is there one word that can serve
as a principle of conduct for life?'
Confucius replied, 'It is the word 'shu' -- reciprocity.
Do not impose on others what you yourself do not desire.'"
Doctrine of the Mean

(and my addition "don't be imposed upon with that which you do not desire and would not do.")

(the beautiful photo above from pasotraspaso's Flikr page.)

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Relationships with Food and Your Body

You have a relationship with food and with your body, and both are important. Sadly, too many of these relationships are distorted.

America’s fascination with weight and body image leads to spending over $40 billion dollars a year on the diet industry. It is no surprise eating disorders strike between 7-10 million American women each year (and an increasing number of men.) Almost ten percent of young women have an eating disorder. Even more frightening, anorexia has a death rate 12 times higher than the annual death rate due to all causes of death for females ages 15-24.

With prompt and proper treatment someone with an eating disorder can recover. It is important professionals, friends and family recognize a need for treatment and help someone seek it. Let me outline the frequently seen signs and symptoms of the two most common eating disorders, and then I will discuss how family and friends can talk to their loved one about the eating disorder.

Anorexia nervosa is the best known of the eating disorders and involves restriction of calorie intake. The hallmark signs are thinness, continued dieting despite being underweight, expressing fatness even when thin, excessive exercise and/or focus on calories, moving food around plate without eating, losing/thinning hair, feeling cold at normal temperatures, fine hair growth, and dizziness or fainting. Often the physical symptoms are seen by medical professionals first, leading to treatment. Remember the death rate for this illness? Please treat the signs seriously.

Bulimia nervosa is less recognized because the sufferer is often of normal body weight or even slightly overweight. Bulimia involves binging on food and eliminating the calories by vomiting, fasting, exercising, laxative/diuretic/enema use, and/or drug use. Signs to watch for include: emotional eating, shame about eating, obsession about weight and frequent weight fluctuations, using the bathroom frequently after meals, feeling out of control and/or depressed, swollen glands in neck, scratches on back of hands, and dental problems. Often people who struggle with bulimia cause irreparable cardiac damage and may die of heart attacks.

Friends and family (even professionals) often avoid or minimize the topic, but a person suffering with an eating disorder needs help and support. Following are some things to do and to avoid when trying to help your loved one:

1. Tell them you want to help in a concerned and sincere manner
2. Help them seek professional help as soon as possible- the quicker the treatment the better the results
3. Know the resources available- therapist, psychiatrist, medical doctor, nutritionist/dietician
4. Get educated about eating disorders
5. Be prepared to hear a denial and respond by expressing concern over what you’ve observed
6. Be patient
7. Watch for physical or mental health issues
8. Refuse to get into a battle of wills
9. Be aware of your own perceptions and prejudices about weight
10. Encourage him/her to talk
11. Understand it’s usually not about food
12. Realize this is real to them and it is a form of coping
13. Compliment on attributes rather than looks (happy, kind, accomplishments, etc.)
14. Get support for yourself and tell someone
15. Encourage a wellness lifestyle focused on the whole person (not diets)
16. Don’t try to solve the problem or cure them
17. Don’t try to get them to eat or gain weight
18. Don’t give simplistic solutions like “if you’d just eat everything would be alright”
19. Don’t comment on appearance (yours, others, or theirs)
20. Don’t talk weight, dieting, nutrition, or refer to food as “good”/“bad”
21. Don’t analyze behaviors
22. Don’t agree to keep the eating disorder a secret
23. Don’t equate thinness with happiness
24. Don’t look for “The” answer or cause of the illness

Remember, you cannot compel someone to seek help, change habits, or adjust attitudes. You can help by identifying and sharing concerns, providing support, and knowing where to get information.

If you suspect someone is suffering from an eating disorder, encourage them to seek help from a knowledgeable professional. One place to find professionals with treatment experience is the National Eating Disorders Association; their website is www.edap.org. Some states have organizations as well listing therapist in the state; for example, the Eating Disorders Association of New Jersey, www.edanj.org. This particular state organization has multiple support groups available for both sufferers and family/friends.



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Keeping promises makes happier couples.

Have you ever made a promise and broken it?

Most people have at one time or another, it's a human failing, but this flaw is destructive to relationships. By making and then breaking a promise- even a simple one- you send the message to your partner they are less important than you. You put yourself above them. Do you really think your partner is less than you? (If so, you have bigger problems than keeping to your word.)

You know why broken promises are unhealthy, right?

I know I write frequently about respect, and I'm going to do so again here. Broken promises are disrespectful which leads to a lack of trust, hurt feelings, and destruction of the connection which should be a part of every healthy and happy relationship. Broken promises are a boundary violation. Basically, you lied which is poor use of your communication boundary. You weren't true to yourself nor truthful to your partner.

You do want to communicate well with your partner, don't you? You don't want to be a liar, right? So what do you do about promises?

First, be honest. Don't make a promise if you can't or don't intend to keep it. Nothing is more damaging and disrespectful then you agreeing to do something you have no intention of doing. This includes making promises just to placate someone or agreeing to something you think is unfair in order to make someone else happy.

Negotiate if you can. For example, if your partner wants you home by 5:30 every night, but you really think you can't do that, decide together what time you can be home- and stick to your agreement! If you think there might be a time or two when you will be late, talk to your partner about what to do in those situations, and find out how often those things can happen. Plan ahead rather than catching flack later.

And what if things change?

Be honest. (Sound familiar?) If you make a promise, and you find you can't keep it, tell the person you gave your word to. Talk to them about what happened such that you can't do what you said. Your work may change and you have to stay until 6 two nights a week; talk to your partner. Respect your partner enough to treat them as a partner.

Sometimes you may agree to something in the heat of the moment and realize later you can't or don't want to do it. Own up to it (aka be honest.) But admit it was your mistake and choice, don't blame your partner for "forcing" you. No one forced you, you said "I'll do it" all on your own, even if it was to stop an argument.

What if you do break your word?

Be respectful and honest (getting sick of that word?) Admit to your fault, say "I'm sorry" with real feeling attached, and ask what you can do to fix it. This is not the time to justify your actions- don't ruin an apology with an excuse. This is a time to heal and repair the damage caused by your mistake.

What does it all boil down to? Respect and honesty. Be honest with yourself and don't make a promise you don't want to make. Respect your partner enough to do the same. Value your relationships enough to negotiate, admit to mistakes, and heal things.


Today's work: Look at the promises you have made and determine if they are truthful to you and the other person. Renegotiate any you think you may renege on or ignore. From today forward, don't make any promises as a way to placate someone or end an argument. View even the smallest promise ("I'll get milk on my way home.") as unbreakable and do whatever you have to do to keep them.

You'll find yourself more careful with what you agree to and you'll have a happier relationship; I promise!


Picture found on Flickr in a charming series by Katie Tegtmeyer.



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You can ask, you can't demand.

Recently a strong, competent, motivated woman said to me, "I don't have the right to ask my husband to stop drinking." To put this in perspective, her husband is an alcoholic who is controlling when he's not under the influence and downright abusive when he's drinking. However, in her mind she thought she had no right to ask him to stop drinking because she could not "tell him what to do."

People make this mistake all the time. They deny their own rights because they think they may step on another person's privileges.

Let me make myself clear:
1. You have the right to determine how you live and how you are treated.
2. You do not have the right to tell someone how to be,
what to think, how to feel, or what to be motivated by.
However, you can say, "I chose not to be a party to it."

To return to that strong but unclear woman, she can tell her husband, "I do not wish to be around you if you continue to drink. You have the right to use alcohol, but I will not be here if you do so." She would be in control of herself, not trying to control her husband. She would not be threatening, only stating how she chooses to live and acknowledging her husband has a choice in how he lives.

This holds true across the boards: you can only work on controlling yourself (on a good day) not ever on controlling another person.

How do you keep clean and not try to control another person?

You focus on what you want and what you'll do, not what the other person has to do. If someone is yelling at you, say, "I want to hear you, but I can't until you lower your voice." If they don't, you say it again, and let them know you'll leave if they don't. If they continue to yell, then you make it clear you are leaving until they can talk to you in a normal tone, and leave. Now, if the other person does come to you and is able to speak to you in a normal tone, you then listen. If they don't, it is their choice, you don't force them to do anything.

It is like the person feeding the birds above, they made the option available, they didn't force the birds to land on their hand.

Today's work: Get clear on how you make requests of other people. Realize you have the right to ask for things, but others don't have to acquiesce. Make sure you are clear on this point: you have the right to make a request and control your own response, and the other person has the right to do or not do what you ask.


P.S. I love the little chickadee holding up a wing like "talk to the hand"; that bird practices boundaries.




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Traffic, traffic, traffic.... and you

Yesterday while I was driving to my office, I was talking to a friend (via handsfree cell phone of course!) about traffic, other drivers, and what works. I decided traffic concepts hold true for relationships.

So, how do traffic and driving relate to relationships?

Good traffic flow happens when everyone is respectful. For example, merging (a very hot topic: http://tinyurl.com/d66d8e) is a chance for both people to be polite. Studies have actually shown merging works best like a "zipper" where each car takes a turn and fits into a gap.

Have you ever actually seen this? (It's rarer than a yeti)

What it means is traffic moves best if people are polite to one another- the merger and the main-road driver. Even with an on-ramp, the person coming on looks for a space and merges at speed. If you are on the road and see someone coming on, and you can safely move over; that also helps traffic flow.

Where does this fall apart?

When you get caught up in being right rather than focusing on the long term goal (which is safely getting where you want to be.) People get so caught up in their "right way" they even do dangerous things- like run people off the road, make others brake, cut people off, tailgate. Even if you don't do any of these things, do you fume and let it ruin your drive? Needless to say, this focus on "my way or the highway" (pun intended) isn't healthy for you or your drive.

So, what does this have to do with relationships?

Disrespect and insisting you are right both cause traffic jams in your relationship. If you "dis" your partner, you cause hurt, resentment, anger, and ultimately failure in your relationship. This is easy to understand. To take the metaphor one step further- you both also need to take turns (sharing and listening) so that communication will flow.

What about being right?

Just like the person who insists they are right on the road (and cause accidents) when you lord over your partner your claim of "truth" you create a disconnect between you (a crash, if you will.) Honestly, you both have your truth, your understanding of something, your experiences; that is human and normal. When you maintain that your truth is the only truth- then you kill true intimacy and rapport. Actually, recognizing your partner's right to have their own opinion is another form of respect.

What can you learn from traffic?

Acting respectful of your partner will keep your relationship from being wrecked.

What can your driving learn from relationships?

Respect on the road makes everything flow better and gets everyone to their destination safely. (Sounds like a commercial sound bite, doesn't it?)

Today's courageous work: Do you fall into the trap of having to be right? Are you disrespectful to yourself or your partner? Do you forget to take turns in communication? (This includes you not taking a turn at all.) If you do any of these things, pull back, correct, and reconnect.

As for driving, practice courtesy (which doesn't always seem to be so common.)

Please comment below!

In these financial times...

Economic problems cause major stress (I hear you saying "no duh!") Job loss, cut in pay, cut in hours, or failure at a business can put pressure on a relationship and make even the healthiest person forget good relational skills. Too often these external pressures erode relationships.

So, how do you safeguard your relationship in these economically trying times?

Firstly, make sure you are communicating. I encourage my couples to be honest with each other about what is going on at work and with finances even if it is difficult. Many men struggle with the imperative "be a provider" and worry if their ability to "bring home the bacon" is threatened, then they are a failure. This is so far from the truth, but if you hide your struggles from your partner, the fallout will be greater than some feelings of shame.

Have you ever hidden money problems from your partner? It'll bite you.

Next work as a team. This is not the time to bury your head in the sand and let your partner take care of it all. Get aware of what is coming in, what is due, and what is saved. That way you and your partner can make sound decisions. Ask each other for opinions or ideas; you never know what another point of view will bring to the table. Respect your partner with the belief they truly can function as a partner.

How else can you help each other pull through financial strains?

Support one another even if it is difficult. Both of you are probably stressed about the whole deal; this means you can empathize. It also means there are times when you speak and times when you listen. I have a couple who both are struggling- her customer numbers have fallen, and his venture business is not taking off as quickly as they both would like. Sometimes she needs to talk, to ask for his advice or just have him listen- he's recently learned how important the second skill is, and he's practicing. In return, she has learned to not constantly bug him about his business and what he's doing about it; she realized he's working hard and can't control it all. Both of them are creating healing moments with these decisions, and it helps them get through.

What is the number one thing you can do?

Realize the finances are effecting both of you. Be kind to one another, encourage each other, and hug often.

Today's courageous work: Talk with your partner about finances. Make sure you both are clear where you stand and what the plans are (current and backup.) Ask each other what each wants in relation to money problems (ideas, plans, an open ear.) Communicate, be a team, support one another, and realize you both are affected.


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Manifesting "secret"? Buy a Lottery ticket.

I get a little tired of the "think of it and it'll happen" crowd acting as if that is all it takes. Yes, thought, visualization, and consideration are important, but they don't make things happen all alone.

Let me share a story...

Thomas decided he wasn't a doubter. He believed God would take care of him, and so he formed a plan. Every day, morning and night, he would pray, and his prayers always ended with, "God help me win the lottery." He believed, he lived his life making this prayer twice a day, but he didn't win the lottery.

At the end of sixty years of prayer and no lottery winnings, he died and went to Heaven. Thomas was determined to talk to God about this, so he stalked up to the base of the Heavenly throne and said, "God, I prayed for 60 years for lottery winnings. I believed in you, but you let me down, why?"

There was a pause, and then God leaned down from the throne close to Thomas' ear and said in a stage whisper that echoed off the stars, "You should have bought a lottery ticket."

The real "secret" to manifesting things in your life is your thinking primes you for action. Focusing on and visualizing a goal is supposed to help you recognize and be ready for opportunities. It is the thinking married to the actions you take that move you toward your goal.

If you want your husband to be more romantic, but you don't ask him, or you don't tell him what actions you think of as romantic, forget it. If you don't appreciate the things he does that are romantic, or if you are mean and nasty to him daily, all the visualizing in the world won't make your husband more romantic. If you'd like your girlfriend to smile more often at you, and you imagine her doing it, but you act like a jerk, no smiles. Or you ignore her and don't talk to her; if you take out your anger about work on her; no matter how clear your image is, it won't bring more smiles your way.

The image, the visualization, the belief, all are supposed to create the road map that lets you take the turns toward your goal. If you don't take the turns, then you don't manifest. It's that simple.

Today's challenge: what things are you merely thinking about and not actually moving toward? What images have you put out into the world, but haven't supported? For example, how do you imagine your relationship could improve? Decide on what you want it to look like, hold onto that image, and work toward it.

Keep visualizing and manifesting and buy that lottery ticket.


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Relationships shouldn't be work!

Right?

Wrong. Relationships do take work, if you are doing it right.

Why do people think relationships shouldn't be work?

Primarily there is the fairy tale idea that if you pick the right person you'll live "happily ever after." It's like everything will fall into perfect place and you'll always be connected, intimate, and joyful. The right relationship with the right person will just be, well, right.

Wrong.

Sadly, this fairy tale leads people to think if work is needed then the relationship or their partner is "wrong". They leave the relationship thinking they just have to find the right person in the right set of circumstances... and they keep being disappointed.

How do you challenge the false fairy tale?

You get real. In your life everything takes work.

When you go for an interview, and get a job, do you expect to never have to work again? No! Your job takes work. You are signing up to work. It is the same in relationships- just because you court someone and they chose to be with you doesn't mean you stop working.

A healthy body takes work. You must exercise, eat well, get good sleep, and maintain your body. The same is true of your relationship- you need to take care of it.

Even having fun takes work. You have to make sure you set aside time and plan for fun sometimes. You have to learn what is fun to you and participate in those things. The same is true in relationships, you learn what works and you do it regularly.

So how do you get real about the amount of work a relationship takes? Remind yourself all things in your life take work, learning, and practice. You can make the process fun and gratifying, but it still takes effort, and that's okay.

Today's assignment: challenge any complaints you have about the amount of effort your relationship is taking. Remind yourself the labors you do are for the growth of your relationship. Confront the belief that a change in partner will create a work-free relationship. And, like your employment, monitor the work you are doing to make sure it brings returns (internal or external).

Relationships are work, but they can be a joyful vocation.


Image from www.creativechocolatesofvt.com. Those tools are all chocolates!


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Relationships are like training a dog.

I just know I'm going to get flack for the title of this post. People are going to scream, "You can't treat another person like a dog!"

To which I reply, "Why not?"

Further screams ensue, I know, but read on and you'll hopefully stop screaming.

I assert having a relationship is like training a dog, and there are good ways and bad ways to train a dog or have a relationship.

If you beat a dog and yell at it, you end up with an aggressive, mean, and unhappy dog. It's no different with another human being. If all you do is complain, yell, scream, and "beat" your partner, all you will have is an unhappy, probably mean, person. Your partner won't be interested in doing what you are trying to get them to do, they'll only be interested in getting away from you. Like the dog. They may even potentially bite.

If a dog bites someone who is beating them, is the dog at fault? I don't think so.

So, how do you train a dog? Think of the puppy who you are trying to house-train. You spread out the newspaper by the door and show them that's where you want them to pee. When they don't get to the paper, you pick them up and gently put them on the paper. If you yell and scream, they only cower, don't understand, and probably pee more because they are scared. After repeated times showing them what you want them to do, and with repeated positive reinforcements like stroking, kind words, and treats, they begin to understand the paper (and later the door) is where they need to go. It is a process which pays great dividends in a happy person, happy dog, and clean house.

Yes, this metaphor can be used in a relationship. Not to over emphasize a point, but negative punishments don't create closeness and intimacy. Positive words, clear requests, and consistency help create the interactions you want. Hopefully you want to have the wagging tail, not the bared teeth.

Today's work: take a look at how you make requests. Are they demands? Are they mean or negative? Do you complain rather than show/ask for what you want? How can you make your interactions more positive and focused on the end result of closeness and connection? Begin to request rather than complain. Begin to show rather than demand. Begin to ask calmly, positively, and consistently. Actually, begin to train yourself!



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The Addicted Relationship

Be very clear, folks, addictions preclude intimacy. Period.

Why? Because the addiction is the addict's primary relationship, no person comes before it.

Whether you use alcohol, drugs, pain medications, marijuana, video games, sex, porn, shopping, gambling, exercise, food, or any other form of excess, that thing is keeping you disconnected from yourself and other people. It comes first.

How can I say the addiction is the primary relationship?

Let me give you an example. A woman with an alcohol addiction pours herself a shot. As she finishes pouring, the baby starts crying in the nursery. What do you think the woman does? Ninety-nine percent of the time she’ll pound the shot and rush to the nursery. She will have convinced herself it took “only a second,” but in that instant, the alcohol came first, no matter the justification. I have had people admit they would shoot up, purge, make one more play on their online poker game, finish a boss fight, or make one more purchase on the computer before responding to another person, even their child.

The addiction came first.

So how do you know if something is potentially an addiction or at least something you are abusing? Or how do you know if someone else is addicted?

First and foremost, listen to those around you. If the use is being commented on directly or indirectly, it is a problem. Someone could mention it straight out or you may notice people avoid the subject or avoid you when you are using. For example, they won’t go out with you, they no longer have alcohol at their parties, or they won’t spend time with you when you are surfing the porn sites or internet. Your spouse complains about the money you are spending. I know you've crossed the line into addiction because one indicator of an addiction is it has caused some sort of problem or change in your life. A DUI is a consequence that points to possible addiction, but so are distance from your spouse, frequent arguments, decreased productivity at work (or at home), and a whole host of problems. You could be a workaholic and do great at work, but be failing at home; your work is your addiction.

When a therapist evaluates you for an addiction, they look at numerous bio-psycho-social effects. You can use these to evaluate your own use or that of a significant other.

1. Do you have physical/biological symptoms (shakes, anxiety, withdrawal, cravings, changes in test/lab results?)
2. Do you have any psychological changes such as mood swings, depression, anxiety, irritability, crankiness?

3. Does your thinking seem slower, distorted, racing, or confused?

4. Do you think regularly about your addiction- how to get it, use it, come down from it, hide it?

5. Socially has it affected you? For example, do you avoid certain people or places or find others avoiding you?

6. Do you do things you once promised yourself you wouldn’t do (like using more, using in places you didn’t want to, using ‘harder’ substances, spending more money, using at times you swore you wouldn’t?)

7. Do your kids comment? Do they act differently around you when you are ‘using’ your addictive thing?

These are all signs the things you are doing are a problem, probably abuse, and probably an addiction. You need to get treatment to address this before you can be rational or relational.

If you truly want to be in a rewarding, intimate, and connected relationship, clean up the addictions.

Image from steadyhealth.com.

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It ain't funny!

Humor is about bringing people together, but way too often it pushes people apart in relationships. Why? Because people mistake laughing at someone for laughing with someone.

Think about it, true humor is about laughing along with another person. It is based on caring and empathy, and it involves others in the fun. When you make a joke at someone it is actually contemptuous, insensitive and exclusive.

This second type of humor destroys relationships.

What else defines good humor from bad? Amusing versus abusing. Amusement invites other people to join in and laugh whereas abuse offends people- they laugh usually because they feel uneasy. In good humor someone allows themselves to be the focus (the "butt" of a joke) while in hurtful humor a person has no choice in the matter. Healthy humor brings people together and is supportive while hurtful humor divides people and is sarcastic.

Too many people think sarcasm is funny, but it's not; it is hurtful.

I've heard it said all humor contains a grain of truth, and good humor does because it pokes fun at human silliness and failings. Hurtful humor also has a grain of truth, but that truth is the contempt the jokester is expressing. It is toxic versus how healthy humor is nourishing and builds confidence.

Joel Goodman of the Humor Project in Saratoga Springs, NY wrote laughing with others goes for the jocular vein while laughing at others goes for the jugular vein.

Which do you do?

Today's challenge: think seriously about humor (what an oxymoron!) How do you use humor? How do you allow others to use it around you? Is it respectful; do you laugh with or at others? How do you use it with your partner? Start being aware of humor in your life and make it a healing rather than hurtful interaction.





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