Ambulances and Standing on the Ground

The first step in a rewarding relationship is to know, respect and care for yourself.

Do you really know yourself? Do you like and respect yourself?

I am talking about healthy self esteem. You must learn to stand with feet firmly planted on the ground centered in yourself. Healthy self esteem comes from inside, it is the realization you have inherent worth just because you are alive. You can neither lessen nor increase this worth, it just is, and it is the same as every other human being.

It has nothing to do with belongings, behaviors, abilities, or what others think of you; it just is.

This step is one of the hardest things I walk my clients through. You have been taught for years that esteem comes from external sources. You are pushed to compete, to be better than others at things, to attain material things. The house you own, the car you drive, the job you have are all forms of external esteem.

These external esteems do not change self esteem. Did you know that?

There are multiple forms of external esteem. What others think about you is "other esteem". The things you can do such as parenting, athletics, skills, and work are called "ability esteem". Lastly, there is "behavior esteem" which has to do with your actions, what you have done. These are all type of esteem, but they are not self esteem; they have nothing to do with your inherent worth.

"Wait!" I hear you cry, "don't these things matter?"

To answer, let me present a metaphor: think of emergency medical technicians (EMTs). When EMTs come to the site of an accident on the road, they don’t approach the victims and ask, “What do you do for work?” or “Are you nice to your kids?” or “Do others like you?” They look at each person as equal and triage for need only. They treat everyone as having the same inherent worth. That is the model for healthy self esteem.

Think of self esteem as the surface of the ground. You stand firmly on it and can move in any direction. It is solid and firm and it doesn’t change. This horizontal line is where healthy self esteem resides.

Today's challenge: identify how you view yourself. Challenge yourself when you imagine you are somehow a lesser or better person than someone else. Realize you might have differences in externals, but the internals are all worth the same. You'll find you are more centered.

(Don't you love the old ambulance picture?!)


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Support your local relationship!

In a truly healthy relationship there is a genuine sense you support one another. Either of you could say “I know he/she will back me up” or “be there for me.”

Do you have this? Do you give this?

The means there is no violence in the relationships, because any sort of violence destroys trust. By violence I mean physical, sexual, verbal, emotional, financial, or any type of controlling and intentionally hurtful behaviors. This includes no name calling, sarcasm, nastiness, and the like.

Yes, even sarcasm- sarcasm is a form of violence, not humor. Did you know that?

You see, a healthy relationship is a win-win proposition. You both gain and you both give. It is a mutual give and take of ideas, thoughts, feelings, and beliefs. You show your respect by listening to each other and clarifying what you don’t understand in a non-judgmental way. This does not mean you have to agree with each other all the time, it means you respect the other feels/thinks a certain way (remember my previous post?)

Rewarding relationships also have a strong component of sharing. You both share physical activities- you do things together. You also share ideas, feelings and thoughts, and discuss them. You share time together, even if it is while doing two different things.

But don't do "parallel" play all the time! That's not fully sharing.

Sharing extends to difficult things like sharing in losses, changes in life, and difficult feelings. You may be supporting the other person through a tough time, but by helping you are sharing.

So it comes back around to support, but mutual support, of course. Sometimes you hold them up, sometimes they hold you up, and many times you walk side by side.

That's a real relationship!

Picture is in honor of Memorial Day; talk about having your back- it's what they do.
It was found at http://tinyurl.com/qh3wvn

R-E-S-P-E-C-T isn't just a song

So, what is the basis of a healthy relationship?

There must be respect; also known as admiration, value, and appreciation. This means you have mutual respect inside and out without judgment. It is a three part appreciation. Respect occurs in your head, between the two people, and toward the relationship, too.

Bet you didn't think respect was so complicated. Let's take a look at it.

To start you must be respectful in your own head about yourself and the other person. This initial thinking trickles down like water down the falls. If you are thinking, “He’s so darned dim” or “I’m such a raving idiot” you don't value the other or yourself. If you disrespect this way you often have an attitude which affects the relationship negatively causing muddy and swirling waters.

Haven't you caught yourself with an attitude even if you don't say things aloud?

Next pool in the waterfall is a respect of the other person. You can’t say you admire someone and then tell them they are morally wrong in some way; this clogs the water like decaying leaves. Blame and shame have no business in a healthy relationship either; they show an attitude of contempt. Respect means you can agree to disagree and still value the other person.

This isn't easy, is it? It takes practice to keep the water flowing.

It is also important you appreciate the relationship. This means talking with each other about what it means to be in a relationship, what the guidelines and expectations are, and how you each want to act and react in it. This forms the bed for the stream as it flows onward. Valuing the relationship also means recognizing what is good in it and supporting it. It means appreciating and working on yourself in the relationship.

Today's challenge: Get the water flowing by listen to your inner dialogue; what are you saying? Are you being respectful in your head? Are you disrespectful to yourself or others in your head? Start catching these thoughts and challenging them. It will help you practice overall respect and you'll develop a relationship you can truly appreciate.

(Great picture, eh? I love to hike along this stream, it's so beautiful!)

Heed, guard and gift

I started years ago helping people have healthy relationships, and it was good to a point, but something was missing. Over time I realized even with healthy skills, relationships weren’t always all they could be.

How could this be happening?

I came to understand relationships could and should be rewarding not just mechanical skills, so that’s what I began to focus on- creating rewarding relationships.

So what makes a rewarding relationship?

If you look up "reward" it comes from the Anglo-Norman “to take notice of” and from the Old French “a regarding, heeding, observation.” It has the same Latin root as the word "ward" which means "to watch or guard". So to have a rewarding relationship you need to be heedful and take notice of each other and the relationship. You also guard what is healthy, worthy, and respectful.

In the process of this loving regard you can create relationships that are satisfying and positive in both directions. You will walk the upward path rather than the downward spiral.

Wouldn't you like that?

Minding another definition of reward, "to gift", you see rewarding relationships are profitable to both involved. This means the relationship is energizing and not draining. When you are together, you more often than not ended up feeling good, better, and more comfortable.

It's nice to feel better or refueled in your relationship, isn't it?

Today's challenge: Take notice of yourself and your partner in the relationship. How can you better heed and lovingly guard your connection? How can you give and get energy? The act of paying attention is a start, then implement things that are gifts to both of you. You'll find the rewards are truly amazing.

Wait until you see the whites of their Eyes

Our society is developing a distinct lack of the ability to communicate. Do you think people communicate well? Despite all the technology keeping you “connected” and communicating you are at risk of becoming more and more disconnected.

Cyber-connection has become the norm, and sadly it is replacing good old interpersonal skills (and proper grammar.)

If you don’t have to look someone in the eyes when you say something, it is easier to be cruel, impolite, or just plain rude. Haven't you seen this?

In my office teens are expressing difficulty dealing face to face with others and now prefer to communicate via texting and email. Unfortunately, they also haven't learned how to delay a response until they cool down. The text has left their phone before they think about it.

The age of semi-anonymous instant communication is undermining the ability to truly be intimate. Don't you feel the distance? You are living the impersonal disconnect.

I counsel people to institute a 24 hour rule. If you have something important or emotional you decide to say vie text or email, write it up and drop it in to a draft file. Then wait 24 hours and re-read it. If it still sounds good, says what you need to say in a healthy manner, and is respectful, then send it.

Have you ever done this? It helps.

So, today's challenge is to institute the 24 hour rule for yourself. Write it up and sit on it for a day. See if your thoughts, feelings, intentions change; if it still feels right and healthy, send it on. But if it doesn't, delete it, and talk in person instead.

Wait until you can look into their eyes, feel their response, and truly connect.

Beautiful image from: http://tinyurl.com/owud5x

The Birds and the Bees- or at least the bees

I've been reading about the loss of honey bees in the US; whole colonies are just dying. It's called colony collapse, and the scientists are frantically trying to determine what is wrong. (See Scientific American magazine for a good writeup.) According to the article, the picture that is emerging is of no one cause, but a number of them taken all together. Any of these problems individually isn't fatal, but multiples of them together are devastating.

It made me think about relationships. There are many little things which wound or weaken a relationship, but each one alone is not usually enough to kill it. However, as they build up and multiply, the little things become overwhelming leading finally to a collapse.

Couples appear in my office stating there was a "straw" that broke the whole thing, but they admit it was coming for a long time. Things just built up.

Like with the bees, you can survive a few things not going right or being unhealthy; you bounce back. You can negotiate a single difficulty with communication, a small slight, or a bit of rude. Then these things repeat, continue, and weaken your interactions so other offenses become worse, seem bigger, have more meaning, are hurtful.

It is time to look at the little things and realize they become big when placed with all the other little things. It is time to speak out with skill about the little things and how they need to be stopped or fixed. It is time to stop minimizing small slights, difficulties, and rudenesses.

Stop before your relationship suffers collapse.

Today's challenge- take a serious look at your relationship. What are the little things you do which could be eating away at the health of your interactions? Stop them, heal them, and practice skillful interactions. If you see your partner is involved in those irritating little things, speak to them with tact about the importance of addressing the issues before they become giants.

Maybe you can learn something from the bees; find health before things really turn bad.

(P.S. the picture above was taken in my garden a few years back, see the cold early morning bee in the crocus?)

Visit Yourself

Once in a while you have to take a break and visit yourself.

Audrey Giorgi

What do you know? You'll never learn if you don't take time regularly to visit with yourself, listen to your own wisdom (you do have wisdom), and learn to spend time with the most frequent visitor in your life, you.

Too often you lean on others, ask for input from the people around you, and move forward with what you hear externally but you forget to tune into yourself. What happens is you move along on someone else's plans or ideas without respecting your own insights. You don't honor who you are, what you know, and ultimately you lose who you truly are.

You have no relationship with yourself.

Why am I talking about this? Because when you don't have a relationship with yourself, you can't have a relationship with others. Getting to know yourself, listen to yourself, and spend time with yourself ultimately leads you to healthier relationships overall.

Today's challenge is to slow down and make a concerted effort to focus inward when making a decision. You'll learn much.

Masterpieces of Love and Skill

When love and skill work together, expect a masterpiece.
-John Ruskin

One of the best pieces of news I give almost all of my clients is, "you can do what you are looking to achieve, it just takes learning and implementing skills." I truly believe it is the skills that change lives and create masterpiece relationships.

In fact, I think this is often what convinces the men to stay in my couple's therapy and work; they recognize it's about skills and behaviors, not about fundamentally changing who they are. In general, many guys come to therapy worried they are going to be asked to become "un-masculine" in some way, or as they often say to me "I'm not the touchy-feeley type, and I don't want to be." I assure them that isn't my goal. In the words of Terrence Real, I help them be the "strong big-hearted men" they are.

I'm not about changing a person except by helping them learn how to better express who they really are in a way that can be heard and is healthy. That's where the skills come in handy; skills wielded with love like Monet's paintbrush. When the person (male or female) tells me they love their spouse, and the spouse tells me they don't feel it; I see a lack of transmission or reception skills. Somehow the painting of love isn't being seen, and it is up the the three of us to determine where the signal is lost. It may be in the noticing, in the doing, or in both. That's where the work is.

Interestingly, many of the things I teach in the course of therapy are things people already know in some way. They say "I've heard that" or "That's common sense", and I ask, "So, why aren't you doing it?" People only start doing when they feel accountable to themselves or another. That's when the skills are put into practice.

So, for today, take a slow look at yourself and your relationship. What skills are you aware of that you aren't using? What skills can you put into practice with love in order to build a better relationship? Pick at least two and start using them regularly, no matter how odd it feels- it'll get more comfortable as you practice, like learning to paint. Watch how those skills create a relational masterpiece.

"Sorry" don't cut it!

How many times have you heard someone say "Sorry"
and shortly thereafter do the thing they had apologized for already? How many times have you been guilty of the "sorry and repeat" cycle? Consider the following fable:

The Fence

There was a little boy with a bad temper.His father gave him a bag of nails
and told him every time he lost his temper,
to hammer a nail in the back fence.
The first day the boy had driven 37 nails into the fence.Then it gradually dwindled down.

He discovered it was easier to hold his temper
than to drive those nails into the fence.

Finally the day came
when the boy didn't lose his temper at all.
He told his father about it
and his father suggestedthe boy now pull out one nail
for each day he was able to hold his temper.

The days passed and the young boy was
finally able to tell his father all the nails were gone.

The father took his son by the hand
and led him to the fence.He said, "You have done well, my son,
but look at the holes in the fence.
The fence will never be the same.
When you say things in anger,
they leave a scar just like the nail holes.
You can put a knife in a man and draw it out.
It won't matter how many times you say I'm sorry,
the wound is still there.
A verbal wound is as bad as a physical one.”

This story is not about anger being bad, it’s about being cognizant of the hurting behaviors you chose to indulge in. Like the boy, you have a choice to learn and change so you stop pounding holes (physically, emotionally, verbally, or spiritually) into other people. Like the boy, your choices can leave wounds no matter how many times you say "sorry." Like the fence, your loved ones bear those wounds, and news ones you chose to inflict each time you don't learn from your sorry.

So, remember, sorry alone doesn't cut it; you need to change and stop pounding those nails.

Today's challenge: take a serious look at the things you have apologized for or have been given feedback about. How can you change things (yourself specifically) to have a more connected relationships with those around you? If someone around you keeps pounding nails into you, consider what your healthy response will be.